Wedding question- who is U- me or the bride?

[angelberry]

A relative of mine is getting married. One of my children is involved in the wedding, the rest are not. All fine.

My problem is this: she has booked a place which is too small for the amount of people she wants to invite. Her solution is to leave the children outside with 'a couple of the dads' to look after them. What this actually means is that I'll be in the wedding watching DD be bridesmaid but my DH and other children will be waiting outside.

I'm not sure how to react. Most of the family seem to think it was a great idea. I thought it was bloody rude, but this particular relative has never been too hot on manners so I'd let it go. But my parents have just found out and are livid, wanting me to pull DD from being bridesmaid if half of our family isn't welcome.

Now, tbh, I don't know whether to keep the peace or not. There's no middle ground here, due to the nature of my family, it's a choice between going along with it or setting off WW3.

So, what would mumsnet do?

YANBU she is. Basically she has only invited you and daughter because you DD is cute, anyone not cute enough (eg, boys needs to hang around outside?).

I wouldn't be going, I have better things to do with my time.

Actually, on second thought, I wouldn't want to upset the bride or groom on their wedding day, so I guess it wouldn't be great to just go in and sit down.

Maybe your husband and other 2 children can not bother at all with the church and just go to the reception.

At first, like others, I assumed it was a really tiny ceremony for only a handful of people, but to have 100 people there and be splitting up couples is pretty shocking!

Not having children present who might be bored during the ceremony is fair enough, but she should hire a minder & provide drinks/games etc to keep children occupied until after the ceremony, not expect guests to look after other people's children.

Having said that, if you DO go along with it for the sake of diplomacy & a quiet life, I would make clear you expect B&G to supply drinks for the dads looking after kids and suitable entertainment for the children.

I think it's v rude of her.

Whilst I can just about go along with the kids outside for the reception in your case that is not what she is suggesting.

She is asking for most of your children to be outside the room with DH whilst you and DD are inside. I wouldn't go along with someone choosing one child over the others.

I think she's bonkers and as you don't seem that bothered about her why go to all the expense and hassle? Anyway next thing will be some daft plan of her re bridesmaid dresses ...

This is just plain weird! My decision would be based on how your children would react to either being split up or not getting to be bridesmaid. My DH would probably be quite happy to miss the ceremony (the bridesmaid but us over in the first minute, anyway) but certainly wouldn't mind the other kids. He would take our son elsewhere then turn up after in time for the reception, other parents can look after their own kids or the B&G will need to hire a proper minder.

As an aside, if I were another guest at this wedding who managed to get on the ceremony invite list, I would be to find out that family members of both the B&G and a bridesmaid were excluded (and possibly expected to look after my children??) so that I could attend.

When I got married we had a similar problem that the ceremony room was only licenced for 80 but we had 100 guests. We set up a live tv link from the ceremony room to the bar in the hotel . We laid on free drinks and asked some friends (mainly DH's school friends) if they would watch it in there. They actually had a better view because the camera was on our faces. They were asked well in advance if this was okay. There is no way I would have asked family to do this. It helped that our best man is a cameraman, but I honestly think it is an easy thing to do, video camera, lead, tv screen. I'm only mentioning this in case it could be a possible solution for your DSis.

She's being tight, if she was tge children entertained during the ceremony then she should pay one of tge many providers to do it.

I think the OP may be the bride's cousin not her sister?

Anyway - ten years ago I would probably have said 'oh find a way through' but I'm much less tolerant now This is very rude on the part of the bride and groom. So basically you have the cute child they want but the less photogenic and blood connected members of your family are nothing more than a nuisence? Well sod that for a game of soldiers. Either your family is invited or it isn't. Either children are invited or they aren't. Please advise Bridezilla accordingly.

I've changed my mind - if there are 100 people attending, I wouldn't let her split up my family and it would either be all of us none of us. Under no circumstances would DH be a babysitter outside.

I wouldn't sneak in with DH and the kids as it sounds like she's planning a mostly child free wedding and she might be the kind of person to be furious to see them in there and seethe all through the vows.

I went to a wedding where we were sat boy girl boy girl at the tables at the reception. I swapped with the guy next to me as I couldn't hear the speeches due to being a bit deaf. The bride stood up during the best man's speech and interrupted him to tell me to move back as I disrupted her pattern. If there's any chance your bridezilla might react similarly mid way down the aisle, don't sneak them all in!

There is no way your DH should be the free childcare for other peoples children when his DD is a bridesmaid. He should turn up with your boys to the reception having done something fun while you watch DD. The boys will be bored at the ceremony anyway.

Before you let your DM go in, all guns blazing, you need to decide how important it is for your DH and other DCs to go to the wedding. Do they even want to go?

Yes, it is a snub. It is downright rude!

But, if your DH and othe DCs aren't fussed if they see it or not, then I would just make arrangements for them to do something else, and meet up later.

Years ago, DH, (then DP) was invited to a wedding without me. It was very rude! But, as we didn't really want to go anyway, he just politely declined.

Why fight for something you don't really want?

However, if they really want to go, or your DH really wants to watch DD being bridesmaid, then maybe you have a bit of a fight on your hands.

It seems to me that your daughter has been asked to be a bridesmaid and her closest family (her father and her brothers) are excluded from the part of the day in which she is participating.

Everyone seems to have forgotten that the point of getting married is the binding legal promises made at the ceremony. That is the important part, not the party.

I would not want to start ww3 over this but I would politely decline and do something else for the day, especially as the bride appears to think the most important part of her day, the part including your dd, is the least important

I don't get how there is not enough room for thm to come to the ceremony but there will be room for them at the reception if it's all the same venue?

YANBU, OP. I'd decline.

The hotel where I was married had a room that could be set up with kids DVDs and snacks to entertain DCs throughout the day. I'm sure your cousin could arrange something like this with a minder or entertainer to keep them busy for half an hour, and allow all the adults to attend the ceremony. That would be reasonable to me, this arrangement is just odd.

If that were my wedding i would employ some child minders, nursery nurses, etc to play with and watch the children outside.

I think the bride is being breathtakingly rude!

Expecting your dh and another unimportant and surplus to requirements for her fancypants ceremony guest to childmind. I am agog at the utter bridezillaness!

Out.Rageous!

You've had lots of good advice on here and I have no wisdom to add. Just wanted to say that I like the sound of your mum and her approach.

I don't think it's unreasonable of the bride to want a child-free wedding ceremony. I don't think it's unreasonable of her to have 2 adults and 8 kids outside so she can make this happen at a venue she loves/can afford, given that everyone is welcome for the rest of the day.

However, I don't think you're being unreasonable to be a bit miffed that your family has been split up and your DH has been volunteered for childcare. This is the bit I'd talk to the bride about. I bet if you very nicely pointed out that your DH would like to be there to see his DD act as bridesmaid, she'd try and make something work for you. You have to do this though - not your Mum. Dare I say it, but you're old enough to fight your own battles.

Pragmatically though, if the space is fixed (or someone from the venue is counting numbers on the day), she might not be able to do anything. And your DH settling himself and your other kids inside on the wedding day isn't appropriate either. Your other idea of your DH and boys joining later - after the ceremony - is the best alternative. That way, you're not inconveniencing yourselves or the bride, though your DH will miss out on seeing your DD as bridesmaid.

I don't hink there's any real 'win' to this for the whole of your family but you don't have to go if it doesn't work for you. Do also consider if you would have to reimburse the bride for any costs she has incurred for your daughter, e.g. dress, flowers, etc.?

Wow - that is rude of the bride to select your husband to be excluded as well as your 2 boys without any prior discussion. If she wants to put on entertainment outside for the kids, she should arrange it and hire someone to look after them so your DH and the other poor husband being stuck out there can attend too. Otherwise I'd suggest as others have done that your DH and boys go off to do something fun while the ceremony is going on and come join afterwards.

If your dh is expected to look after other relatives children then charge them for the children's entertainment at the going rate for a wedding.

Cheeky cost cutting scheme the wedding party have worked out there.

for goodness sake, some people are so BLOODY SELFISH, and I dont mean the bride, she has invited everyone to the after ceremony, she probably thought 2 little boys and the OPs DH wouldnt care less about missing the ceremony, and lets face it, she is probably right.

So DH and some kids are going to miss a wedding, vows etc, for what - half an hour??

Oh dear, isnt that the end of the world, lets raise holy hell about it.

What happened to just being happy for our friends and family, letting them have the wedding they want, in the venue they want, with the people they want.

Obviously they want the DH and the children there, they have invited them to the reception.

They probably went through the guest list, looked for the most chilled friends/relatives they have, who they thought would understand, and picked them.

Thats the sort of thing that would happen to DH and I, because people know we are laid back and wouldnt be offended by something that isnt meant to offend.

Get a grip, I couldnt care less if this happened to us, DH would just be pleased for me that I got to go to the wedding (I love weddings), and he would be more than happy to look after our children and someone elses.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder when the "me me me me me me" culture around weddings became the mindset of the guests.

Has no one though this is possibly a compliment, as in she thinks they will understand, whereas others would create a scene, sigh.

OP, are you still here?

Why don't you simply say "Well, DD can only be a bridesmaid if the family (dad and siblings) can see her. Otherwise there is no point." And let her make a decision?

Put the conditions, transfer the decision to her and don't sweat over it.

I did Namechanging but everyone else would rather have a haughty fit of entitlement.