Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding question- who is U- me or the bride?

193 replies

angelberry · 10/04/2012 23:21

A relative of mine is getting married. One of my children is involved in the wedding, the rest are not. All fine.

My problem is this: she has booked a place which is too small for the amount of people she wants to invite. Her solution is to leave the children outside with 'a couple of the dads' to look after them. What this actually means is that I'll be in the wedding watching DD be bridesmaid but my DH and other children will be waiting outside.

I'm not sure how to react. Most of the family seem to think it was a great idea. I thought it was bloody rude, but this particular relative has never been too hot on manners so I'd let it go. But my parents have just found out and are livid, wanting me to pull DD from being bridesmaid if half of our family isn't welcome.

Now, tbh, I don't know whether to keep the peace or not. There's no middle ground here, due to the nature of my family, it's a choice between going along with it or setting off WW3.

So, what would mumsnet do?

OP posts:
Original poster
angelberry · 11/04/2012 00:39

Chipping, I've just read your post again and I think youkve got it right, really. It doesn't have to be a big deal. I may just go with DD and get DH aand the boys to meet us afterwards. That way we avoid the snub but don't start a row.
OK, so maybe there is a middle ground.

OP posts:
Original poster
angelberry · 11/04/2012 00:46

What do people think of my 'ignore it and just go in' idea? Would that be bad? Grin

OP posts:
DaenerysTargaryen · 11/04/2012 00:48

why does dh have to wait outside? Can't Dd and you go to the hotel and then dh and the boys spend morning doing something else then meet you at the party later?

DaenerysTargaryen · 11/04/2012 00:49

Ah cross post, best idea I think :)

Original poster
angelberry · 11/04/2012 00:53

Daenerys, I think the idea is that they'll only miss half an hour of the actual day. They'll then be there for the photos and all the milling about before the reception. Plus there's a whole bunch of kids to be looked after- DH and one other dad will be looking after about 8 of them.
But I agree with you, DH is not going to put up with that I don't think.

OP posts:
hallelujahheisrisen · 11/04/2012 00:59

just say that dh is not going to turn up until the reception and see hat one dad wants to do with 6 kids.... Grin a sort of sit back and watch feathers fly episode maybe. it is not on to use him as free child care for children the bride will not let in. that is presumptious.

Ample · 11/04/2012 01:19

Outside? Hmm why invite in the first place?
I have been to weddings where (in the case of a small chapel) space was in short supply - certain guests were invited to the ceremonies and the rest to the reception.
Surely if space is an issue it should be planned properly; meaning it should be stated on the invitations whether someone is invited to the ceremony, reception or both. Waiting outside doesn't fit in with any of these imo.

I don't think it's worth starting WW3, but YANBU it all seems odd to me.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 11/04/2012 07:03

Let your parents speak to the bride - as you may all be able to go after all. If she still refuses then act all "not bothered" and say nonchalantly - "that's fine, DH and the boys will just come along later save them waiting outside".

I would not expect my DH to look after other peoples kids.

Ephiny · 11/04/2012 07:14

It seems quite common these days to invite more people to the reception that you do to the ceremony. You wouldn't normally expect the 'reception only' guests to stand around outside during the ceremony though, or to separate families/couples.

Ephiny · 11/04/2012 07:15

(actually, I know it's an unpopular idea on here, but she might have been better off just having a child-free wedding!)

YouChangeWithTheWeather · 11/04/2012 07:23

Do the parents of the other not-invited children know they will have their DC taken off them at the door and handed to your DH?

MadderHat · 11/04/2012 07:25

I thought anyone could attend a wedding ceremony, invited or not, (so that if there's someone who can object if they have a good reason they can't be turned away.) The rest of the day is the private party, but the ceremony itself is public.

HappyCamel · 11/04/2012 07:25

It sounds to me like she wants a child free ceremony. Maybe so people can hear the vows, the couple can concentrate etc. but wants kids to be welcome the rest of the day.

Having just been to an all kids welcome wedding where two one year olds wailed throughout and a bunch of older ones chattered and shouted I can see her point. I spent the whole thing focussed on keeping a wriggly, bored baby quiet through the readings. The bride herself said she regretted having all the kids at the ceremony bit.

lesley33 · 11/04/2012 07:26

TBH I don't think this is worth startinga s you say, WW3 for. Yes it is bad mannered, but I have heard much worse things from brides on here. Just swallow it and try and enjoy the wedding.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 11/04/2012 07:26

I'm shocked that they expect your DH to look after other peoples kids! If they have their hearts set on too small a venue, then they either need to crop the invite list, or they need to provide something for the kids to do and someone to look after them, and ideally somewhere for them to be that's rain free!

Is your DH not worried about not seeing DD as a bridesmaid? I know my DH wouldn't want to miss out, but our DD is an only child so far. :)

Inertia · 11/04/2012 07:29

I do think it would be wrong of you to just go along with this for a quiet life, yes. Your DH is clearly unhappy with this plan ( and no wonder !) - you need to back your husband up here. The bride cannot just assume that he will be willing to babysit a load of kids. If she wants to go down the road of keeping children out of the ceremony, then she needs to employ a child care professional for the day .

StealthPolarBear · 11/04/2012 07:32

"if it's only the ceremony it doesn't matter"

I think they're missing the point of the word ceremony. As I understand it, you invite all the people who are important to you to come and watch you make your vows to each other. No, the world won't explode if some relatives aren't there, but saying "oh it's only the bit where you promise to love, look after and be faithful to each other until you die" (if, infact you are!) seems to be missing the point. Surely the ceremony is the crucial bit. The rest is celebratory.

Mayisout · 11/04/2012 07:37

Surely some other DH should be watching the kids as your DD is bridesmaid.

If your DH says he is not watching the kids but is arriving after ceremony someone else should watch kids. Then DH could have their seat

Hopefully they will cause a riot and there will be a background of squeals and shouts throughout the ceremony Grin

Adayforthinking · 11/04/2012 07:38

If it's just the ceremony, it's not such a bad thing. On both sides. DCs get bored at weddings and nothing worse than having DCs running around/screaming/crying when you're saying your vows.

BUT the Bride is BU to not have organised herself better. Maybe suggest to her that she arrange with the hotel to lay on some drinks/snacks for the DCs and their 'minders' while the ceremony is going on. I would insist that your DH is in the ceremony though and that some Dad's of DCs who are NOT involved in the wedding, stay outside with the DCs so that at least your DH can see your DD as a bridesmaid.

lesley33 · 11/04/2012 07:39

Stealth - Agree the ceremony is the most important bit, although it probably won't be to the kids.

mamhaf · 11/04/2012 07:39

Could your mum and dad offer to drop out, making space for your dh and dc? I know that's 1 more person, but the 5yo could sit on a lap.

That way dh can see dd being a bridesmaid. Parents could come along later for reception.

jumpingjackhash · 11/04/2012 07:41

I think it's really rude, why invite people to the wedding if you're then expecting them to sit outside and babysit during the most important part? Your mum has a good point!

My DB is getting married this year and his DF is coming up with all sorts of half-arsed ideas because they've cocked-up on planning or whatever. She even said our parents weren't considered part of the wedding party! The most recent announcement from them makes my blood boil (and my poor parents feel so betrayed). Why do some brides seem to think that it gives them an excuse to behave so rudely?

PerryCombover · 11/04/2012 07:42

I think she doesn't want lots of brats messing up the ceremony
Fairy Nuff
She needs to find a better solution though

Loads of threads on here always OP moaning about being invited to a wedding sans squids. Maybe she's trying, unsuccessfully, not to offend anyone.
Ceremony is the important bit...that's why she's trying to keep it child freeish

bigTillyMint · 11/04/2012 07:42

If there was only space for say 20 people, then maybe she would have had a point, but 100! She is BU. The ceremony is the important bit!

Do you think she just doesn't want children (apart from bridesmaids, of course) incase they spoil the ceremony? If that is the case, then she should organise some sort of childcare so the parents can all attend if they want to.

I reckon she just doesn't realise the implications of what she has said - she is young and doesn't have children or much life experience

If you went in, I bet they wouldn't notice 2 or 3 more at the back.

iscream · 11/04/2012 07:51

I guess wait and see what the outcome of your mothers talk is. I don't think the bride should be volunteering your husband and the other fellow to be taking care of 8 children. Did she ever hear of asking people first?
If she wants people to wait outside, she should choose ones that are not parents of a flower girl.

I like your idea of just all going in and sitting down. If they do ask you to leave, take their/your flower girl with you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread