Wedding question- who is U- me or the bride?

[angelberry]

A relative of mine is getting married. One of my children is involved in the wedding, the rest are not. All fine.

My problem is this: she has booked a place which is too small for the amount of people she wants to invite. Her solution is to leave the children outside with 'a couple of the dads' to look after them. What this actually means is that I'll be in the wedding watching DD be bridesmaid but my DH and other children will be waiting outside.

I'm not sure how to react. Most of the family seem to think it was a great idea. I thought it was bloody rude, but this particular relative has never been too hot on manners so I'd let it go. But my parents have just found out and are livid, wanting me to pull DD from being bridesmaid if half of our family isn't welcome.

Now, tbh, I don't know whether to keep the peace or not. There's no middle ground here, due to the nature of my family, it's a choice between going along with it or setting off WW3.

So, what would mumsnet do?

thanks pictish, I thought I was going mad.

Honestly .

see in this house, DH would make a massive fuss of DD, (while wrestling some sort of dressing up outfit off DS), help me get ready, pop to poundland for a few cheap things to interest DC, then make more of a fuss of DD, take some pictures of DD, drive us to venue, make more fuss of DD.

Head into the hotel bar and have a sneaky pint with DS and any other DCs he was herding minding, and come and meet us half an hour later, after all this is all in the same place.

And he would do this willingly.

If it was in a registry office etc, he would probably drop me and DD off, having made the appropriate fuss of DD and meet us at venue.

He would be happy DD and I were having a nice time, not moaning about what he wasnt doing.

But thats just us.

Namechanging "she probably thought 2 little boys and the OPs DH wouldnt care less about missing the ceremony"

Well the little boys might not care less but I think if DD had ever been a bridesmaid DH would have been gutted to miss it.

Whichever way you look at it the bride is being really rather cheeky to expect two of her guests to provide free child care so that she can have a child free wedding. Especially as this will mean one of her guests missing his own daughter taking part.

I don't think it is a compliment I think it is taking advantage of someones good nature

Yes...I suppose we would just get on with it as well, and skip the bit where we get up in arms about our preferences at someone elses wedding.

It's very rude, no, I wouldn't think it was a compliment, I'd think I was being taken for a mug. It is just cheeky of her to assume that your dh will want to hover around the door of the ceremony room looking after your other dc and a group of random children whose parents have been deemed important enough to see the ceremony. If the room holds 100 people, they cannot all be very close family.

EightiesEaster Chick, presumably the room used for the ceremony is smaller than the room used for the reception, as was the case when we got married. But we'd never have dreamt of inviting more people than the ceremony room could hold and then expecting them to loiter outside and mind other people's children.

But he isnt exactly missing DD being a bridesmaid is he, he is missing one small, very small part, of the day, he will be there when she goes in, he will be there when she goes out, he will be there when they are taking photos, he will be there for the rest of the day.

He will be missing the 2 minutes when she walks down the very short aisle with the bride.

Then the half an hour when she is bored senseless waiting for the next bit.

What exactly do people think the DH is missing??

Gosh I know - he could waiting out there for as long as half an hour.
I hope the bride are providing on site counselling for those who might need it after the trauma.

Be a massive problem where we live, not inviting more people than the room can hold, the registry office where I live holds 10 people, you can pay a few hundred and have a room that holds 40, or you can pay a few hundred more and have civil ceremony somewhere else.

The only wedding I've been to where the ceremony room was small, the B&G did what someone else mentioned upthread - put on a live video link to the bar outside and supplied free drinks to the people (most of the guests actually) sat outside. That's thoughtful.

To pick on the OP's DH and nominate him to mind 8 children, that's just rude.

YANBU. I think it's actually not a bad idea for your mum to have a chat with the bride - it gives her a way to save face if she didn't realise that she was being rude. If you talk directly to her she'll feel backed into a corner and then, as you say, WW3 will break out...

It is unbelievably rude on 2 counts:

1. You and your DD can go inside, but your boys and DH must stay outside

2. Your DH, whilst banished outside, is to be an unpaid childminder for other (more worthy) people's children

I think that since it would cause a huge rift if you pulled out, I would say that you and your DD will go but your DH and boys will come later. So they don't have to wait outside and your DH doesn't have to mind other children as well, he just has to look after your boys. Although I don't think you would be unreasonable to fully pull out, it would probably be better not to.

I haven't really understood if you will be far from home and whether your DH can just wait at home for this time or whether you will be staying in a hotel.

I was invited to a wedding this summer by a bridezilla and groomzilla and the arrangements were very unreasonable and it was a difficult problem for me to sort out for similar reasons. I had not fully finished sorting it out (not in conjunction with bridezilla and groomzilla, just on my own, bowing to their ridiculous wishes without complaint) when bridezilla and groomzilla decided that even they couldn't stand eachother and broke off their engagement and cancelled all the wedding arrangements. In this debacle, there was also a bridemotherzilla who was a total maniac! I have to say that I was very relieved, despite the fact that it is sad.

put on a live video link to the bar outside and supplied free drinks to the people (most of the guests actually) sat outside

Thats expensive!!!!

How very rude!

I would go to the ceremony with your DD, and have your DH and other DC's just come for the reception.

That way your DH doesn't have to be on babysitting duty for other peoples' brats DC's.

Not very good planning on the part of your Rel (and her other half!). Rolls eyes...
I remember going to a registry office wedding where about a third of guests had to stand...as there weren't enough seats.

However...I am sure the kids will have a FAB time playing together! There should be some contingency plans in case it does rain....and I really think that as your DD is taking part in the ceremony your OH and the siblings should be allowed to watch!

Worth discussing with the b2b

not really namechanging because they kept all the other costs down - at the reception they had picnic food that they made themselves (sandwiches, biscuits) and guests paid for their own drinks. Also, the bride made her own dress, IIRC. That was their choice.

I wouldn't be necessarily focused on my other children being treated as 'spare parts' but more on the practicalities actually.

You say your DH and 'a couple of the dads' are going to be nominated to stand outside? What if they refuse on the day or essentially refuse by suddenly hiding amongst the crowd inside?

All too up in the air for me. You'll probably end up doing it yourself in reality.

I would do what PinkTrees suggests and say your DH and the others will come later. Pull out of the cm slot, for sure.

Firstly isn't the occasion about watchimg your relative get married not about watching your DD being a bridesmaid.
Secondly she won't actually be doing anything except walking down the aisle, the main bit for a bridesmaid is the arrival, posing for pictures outside.
Thirdly .Most normal little girls are thrilled to wear a pretty dress and carry a posie as abridesmaid.Your relative is doing your DD a great kindness by asking your DD to be a bridesmaid, NOT the other way round .I'll bet in her day to day life she comes across dozens of people with 'cute' pretty girls she could ask.
You sound really selfish and ungratful.I think you would be doing ecveryone a big favoutr by pulling your precious little pumpkin out of it!

Dear OP, DH, DS1, DS2 and DD,

We would like to invite you to our wedding so you can buy us a gift/give us money, however, our venue will not fit everybody we have invited in. As our venue is more important to us than our guests we have made the decision that DH, DS1 and DS2 will not be able to come to the ceremony and also that, along with another DH, DH will be expected to look after the children of other people who are invited to the ceremony.

Your sincerely

Bride/Groomzilla

Wow!! Who could resist an invitation like that?

OP YANBU Getting married does not mean you can behave rudely to your guests. If they want it to be childfree then they either need to make it childfree by not inviting children or hire paid childcare.

I'd go with letting your mum bring it up first and then make your decision from there. If you decide to go then your DH should go elsewhere and join you at the reception.

God I hate weddings. Such a source of contention.

Squabble squabble squabble.

Pictish, I love a wedding, its not the wedding thats the problem, maybe its age, but the older I get, the more I love to see my friends do things the way they want, they can afford, and where suits them.

Honestly, I couldnt care who they invite, dont invite, where they go, what they do, so long as they love each other and are happy.

I cannot believe so much fuss over half an hour, oh dear me, so the DH will be outside for half an hour with his 2 boys who would be bored senseless, and lets face it, the ceremony, while the best bit for the bride and groom, is boring to children.

I cant believe what a lot of fuss over nothing.

I can imagine someone approaching my mum over my wedding, she had laughed and told them to speak to me.

I made some difficult requests of my guests, due to tightness on numbers, they were all, without exception happy to oblige, because they understood finances and logistics came to play.

I think it is rude to invite only half a family to the ceremony. I also think it is incredibly rude to expect your husband to watch other people's children. They should arrange a childminder.

I think any bride and groom should arrange the day they want rather than bowing to conventions like having favours or whatever if they don't want them, but they really shouldn't leave their basic manners behind.

Yes it is not really on to invite someone but expect their partner to stand outside, allow one child in but not their siblings etc. I have no problem with child-free weddings, limiting numbers of guests etc, but it seems rude to exclude/inconvenience the people you have invited like that.

"I think any bride and groom should arrange the day they want rather than bowing to conventions like having favours or whatever if they don't want them, but they really shouldn't leave their basic manners behind."

^^This.

So she wants to use your DD as a bridesmaid but not even invite most of your family to the wedding???!!! I think you ensure you invite the bridesmaid's family when looking at absolute wedding guests.

Namechabging are you married? The ceremony tends to be the most important part of the day. Whihc is what he'd be missing. The rest of the day is just "party"