Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with mums complaining about all the help they get from their own mothers/mils here?

106 replies

ssd · 10/04/2012 11:18

I know I am prickly about this subject as we don't have any help and would love some, but really

all I seem to have read here recently is daughters/DIL's complaining about pushy/over helpful/too generous grandparents/gp's not following their every wish

is it too much just to be grateful you've got some help at all, or someone who is so interested in your child they actually get on your nerves with it?

I want to say "be grateful, enjoy the interest and appreciate the help"

please!

OP posts:
Callisto · 10/04/2012 11:22

I've never had any help to bring up DD and never expected any. People are amazingly entitled about using their parents and in-laws as childcare.

Whatmeworry · 10/04/2012 11:24

The levels of entitlement are scary. PFB fever at its finest :o

MrMiyagi · 10/04/2012 11:24

Admittedly I'm a male, but it must be incredibly frustrating for those women who are having a torrid time with an overbearing individual, and then to top it off, are made to feel guilty about it by those who do not have a relationship with their parent.

You wouldn't go into a thread where someone is suffering from emotional abuse by a partner and say "just be glad you have a partner, I'm single".

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2012 11:27

YANBU it's getting ridiculous

If/when I become a Grandparent, my kids and their wives better not start that shit with me! Grin

sweetkitty · 10/04/2012 11:28

I think we have met before ssd Grin

Yes I feel the same we have no help either and it's more in RL I feel it, a lot of tongue biting goes on when I here my friend moaning that she has had to take a day off work as her Mum has had the cheek to go on holiday and leave her without free childcare. It's ok for me though because I don't need to work Hmm

I've got a broken tooth, now going to the dentist it a nightmare, it's up a flight of stairs so can't take a buggy there is no way DS would sit still whilst I have treatment so I need DH here to look after him, this is a huge thing apparently for DH to take time off work, I would love a GP to take him for half an hour whilst I get treatment.

I get fed up of the "oh my Mums got the DC me and DH are going out and she's keeping them for the night"
"we're off to the cinema"
"I'm going to send the DC to my MILs so I can have a long lie/clean the house"

What really brought it home as when DD3 was in hospital, DS was 11 months and still breastfeeding, not one person actually phoned to ask how she was or offered to help DH out Sad

And don't get me started on the financial help!

There's nothing we can do about it, we have no help that's it. But it's hard to bite your tongue all the time.

Callisto · 10/04/2012 11:28

Not sure what your point is MrMiyagi and your analogy doesn't work. Some people have lost their parents, some people have parents that are too frail to provide childcare.

Principality · 10/04/2012 11:28

YANBU!!

I wish I had the level of help/interest that many members here have!

bringbacksideburns · 10/04/2012 11:29

They aren't all overbearing though.

Some of them can't do right for doing wrong and get it in the neck because they aren't telepathic.

halcyondays · 10/04/2012 11:29

Yanbu at all. I often think exactly the same thing.

MrMiyagi we're not talking about posters who have a serious issue with their parents or inlaws, we're talking about people whose children are luxky enough to have loving, interested grandparents but are still moaning about every little thing they do "wrong"

BareBums · 10/04/2012 11:31

I've already told DD(6) I won't be her babysitter Wink

I know what you mean though, yes everyone is entitled to moan but some of these people are incredibly spoilt and forget there are others a lot worse off. I try not let it bother me though. YANBU.

mrsnesbit · 10/04/2012 11:32

yanbu, we have fit & well parents, who have no interest whatsoever in our son.
Going to hospital to have a mc, alone as we have no one we can ask to watch ds....utter shit.

MrMiyagi · 10/04/2012 11:32

True, Callisto, but quite a few times I've seen a "just be glad" type reaction when it's clear the mother/mil's behaviour is pretty OTT and well over the line.

My analogy is that emotional abuse can come from an overbearing mum/MIL (see stately homes thread in relationships) just as easily as it can from a partner, but you're a lot more likely to see posts designed to make you feel guilty about resenting the abuse when it's from a mum/mil.

Pancakeflipper · 10/04/2012 11:33

I don't have help from family. I read these threads and some are justified in being fed up with things that have happened. Some people just need to get over themselves.

I am dreading being a MIL because I will have to second guess what my DIL would like her MIL to be like. Does she want one who only visits every few months? One who pops around unannounced? One who phones every other day or awaits a call from them? One who cooks Sunday lunch or one who never invites them round?

Would she like presents I think are nice or money so she can pick or does show I am thoughtless and cannot be arsed to go shopping?

It's a minefield.

sweetkitty · 10/04/2012 11:33

The thing that annoys me the most is people moaning about their parents/inlaws about the childcare thing. That they won't babysit, look after X 4 days a week only 3, so we have to put X into nursery that day and do you know how much that costs?

If your not happy with your free childcare then do what everyone else does and pay for it? And if you think you can't afford it then cut back on luxuries like everyone else does!

Original poster
ssd · 10/04/2012 11:34

hi sweetkitty Grin

I am jealous and I'd be the first to admit it, but sometimes the moaning seems so petty, it sounds like the gp's are really being kind/generous/going out their way and still the daughetrs/dil's moan about them, its just frustrating

OP posts:
AnxiousPanxious · 10/04/2012 11:35

The other side of the coin is: we keep getting comments about not abusing her kindness and using her as childcare, from my MIL. The last time I asked her to look after the kids was in 2006 (for two hours whilst I had a doctor's appt in the next town). Sad

Noqontrol · 10/04/2012 11:37

Be grateful for what help you get, and if you don't like the way the grandparents look after your kids then just look after them yourself Grin

sweetkitty · 10/04/2012 11:40

I'm jealous too ssd, I would love some GPs to actually give a toss about my DC.

My inlaws are dead, my own Mother is toxic (that's a whole other thread) and would have never helped out anyway and my Dad comes up about once every 2 months for a few hours that's his involvement.

It's really hard on DH and I as we never get any time away from the house ourselves, we're not talking about a weekend in Paris childfree (like a lot of our friends) but a few hours for dinner would be nice.

Still it's the way it is, we had DC knowing it would be like this, 8 years and counting until DD1 can babysit Grin

lostlilly · 10/04/2012 11:41

they are very lucky, my MIL was all promsies when I got pregnant and after 3 years of struggling, even to get her to babysit one evening (which wouldve been the 2nd time in almost 8 months!) I moved back to my home town and my mum eventhough she wtill works 4 days a week is more help. Now I get the 'Oh i wish you lived closer so i could help crap' and ' I miss out on so much'.
Angry I had to pay a childminder just to go and get my haircut when I lived by them!

callmemrs · 10/04/2012 11:41

I entirely agree op.
Let grandparents just be grandparents.
They may not do things exactly as you do -but they don't need to. They aren't the parents. Neither should they be unpaid childcarers.
I hope I am a grandparent one day- and I intend to be supportive and caring but I will also make it quite clear that my life won't suddenly revolve around the grandchildren. It's not fair on anyone to live like that

Original poster
ssd · 10/04/2012 11:41

the thing I find hard is people who have help with babysitting thinking you are anti-social if you can't go to nights out/weekends away
I had this recently from someone who thinks its weird I have no friends who are willing to take my kids for 2 nights and 3 days so I can have a weekend away, said person has MIL/mum/sister all pilling in to help her so she can go away, I felt like saying well you don't have friends to do that either you use family all the time, stop making me feel like billy no mates cos I haven't any help like you (and I'm rubbish at asking for help too!)

sorry rant over!!!

OP posts:
Calamityboo · 10/04/2012 11:42

I have very little gp help as m and mil are both too old and infirm to help. Yes I do get jealous of the entitled who think they deserve free childcare just because they have provided grandchildren. A fb friend I have is just like this, she has never really had her own dcs, they are usually with one of the sets of gps, she was snowed in for a day last week and actually posted that she was going crazy stuck in the house with her dcs, and she would rather they were with gp so she could get out Shock entitled or what!

bekspolo · 10/04/2012 11:45

I don't have help, don't have ANY family nearby, have in the last 6 months moved 2hiurs away from my friends through work and I work full time, but one thing I don't do is complain about those complaining about mils etc etc interfering/too much help or even the other way, woe is me I don't get any help.

It's your life, deal with it!

Calamityboo · 10/04/2012 11:45

Sorry didn't explain that very well, I'm not jealous of t.av entitled madame, just the ones who have a little freedom to in to the dentist or doctor, or Shock have a job!

Tiddlyompompom · 10/04/2012 11:45

I think YAB a bit U actually - you're assuming that because they're having a whinge about the annoying aspects of their DM or MIL that they don't appreciate the good stuff. Mr Miyagi makes a sensible point and his analogy is fair - abusive partners often have a lot of 'redeeming' qualities too, it doesn't make the bad bits ok to put up with.

I don't have any help either btw, no family nearby, and even if they were they wouldn't be offering to help.

Yes, there are always others worse off than oneself, but does that mean you have to put up and shut up if you're unhappy about anything in your relatively easy life?

Besides, there's always someone who says "be grateful, enjoy the interest and appreciate the help" often when the original poster has said they do already, as a disclaimer