Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with mums complaining about all the help they get from their own mothers/mils here?

106 replies

ssd · 10/04/2012 11:18

I know I am prickly about this subject as we don't have any help and would love some, but really

all I seem to have read here recently is daughters/DIL's complaining about pushy/over helpful/too generous grandparents/gp's not following their every wish

is it too much just to be grateful you've got some help at all, or someone who is so interested in your child they actually get on your nerves with it?

I want to say "be grateful, enjoy the interest and appreciate the help"

please!

OP posts:
handbagCrab · 10/04/2012 13:21

Yabu. I've had two whole hours of babysitting from gps in 5 months but I don't begrudge anyone else getting help. So what if other people have help and you don't? Them not getting help or faking eternal gratitude is not going to magic up doting free childcare for the rest of us.

MyDogShitsShoes · 10/04/2012 13:23

Well said handbag

hackmum · 10/04/2012 13:46

I do agree a bit with the OP. My own mum died long before my DD was born, and I feel quite upset sometimes when I hear friends moaning about their mothers, when actually those mothers are doing quite a lot of unpaid childcare for them. Quite often those moans are of the "And she gave them a square of chocolate before lunch even though I don't allow it" variety. I mean, gosh, how awful for you.

We had some help from MiL when DD was little (not too much as I didn't want to overburden her) and I was always grateful for it and tried not to get too annoyed when she did things I didn't like, because in the scheme of things they weren't major. Now she's elderly, we help her a lot.

I suppose, though, it is tempting to moan about parents and in-laws. I can better understand people moaning about parents not wanting to see their grandchildren than I can moaning about the fact that their free babysitting service isn't 100% perfect.

MyDogShitsShoes · 10/04/2012 14:49

You see Hackmum that's the thing.

I am so very sorry for your loss, it must be awful to not have your obviously beloved mother there to share your daughter's life. I can't imagine how difficult that must be and you have my heartfelt sympathy.

However the Chocolate problem is a problem for your friend. It may be trivial in the grand scheme of things but it's important to her. A lot of the time it is the little things that build up to a pattern of belittling a parent's wishes and dismissal of their requests. The constant dismissal of tiny unimportant things can be a lot more difficult to bear than one big falling-out.

Of course it's upsetting for you to hear, understandingly so, but I still don't think it's fair to project.

It's fine to say "You know, I understand it upsets you but try your best to work it out because people aren't here forever and it really is a waste to sweat the small stuff". It's not ok to say "gosh how awful for you". (Not saying that you would say it out loud just using it as an example)

No one should have to be told that their feelings don't matter.

Bellstar · 10/04/2012 15:05

I can also see both sides.

I have friends who use the gps as unpaid childcare and who are openly smug about the fab lifestyle they can afford as they dont have to shell out for cm/nurseries.I also have friends where the gps have the dcs every weekend or at least every few weeks.

My own mum works all them time-7 days a week and when is not working helps my sister as she needs a break from her only dc-quite why she needs a break when she works 5 days a week and doesnt see himHmm

My inlaws are the type who gush abut how much they love gcs but never offer to help out-once a year max on our anniversary while we go out for dinner.

Yet mil has spent the last 17 years dictating that we MUST go there every sunday for dinner and also every xmasAngry

Thanks to good advice I got on mn I have finally been able to stand up to her and break this cycle.

Plus what goes around and all that-mil had an accident before xmas that affected her mobility-did I drop everything to help her out? did I hell....

Original poster
ssd · 11/04/2012 11:50

thats true bellstar, in laws who haven't had much time for their grandkids probably shouldn't expect a lot of help when they might need it

and I realise people come on here for a moan and having family childcare isn't all roses, but sometimes on here people seem to moan for things they should be grateful for instead

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 11/04/2012 12:06

MyDog -- very well said.

I find it interesting, the number of people saying YANBU, who admit they are jealous.

It's natural to feel envy but it's not fair to then judge other people on the basis of that.

OP, you may think people should just be grateful for certain things, but you have no way of knowing the full story of their relationships -- I know my mum does nice things for us but there is so much emotional abuse and manipulation attached to them, it is really hard to just feel grateful for it.

I've been through a lot of awful things in my life. I still manage to be sympathetic when my DH gets a splinter.

If the GP threads annoy you so much, ignore them.

Pinkshoes2 · 11/04/2012 14:17

Just because people get a load of childcare etc, they probably have to put up with a load of stuff too. There's one woman at my sons school her and her dh have to take both sets of grandparents to everything at school and inform them of everything. |You could'nt miss them taking up nearly a row of seats every time lol And she gets a lot of childminding from them. These grandparents don't do things for nothing, they in turn feel entitled so i don't thing everything is how it looks on the outside a lot of the time.

Mrbojangles1 · 11/04/2012 14:24

Agreed op my own mother lady who gave brith to me hasn't bothered with me since I was 14 I was living on my own from then gave birth on my own at 16 didn't have any help the midwifes felt so sorry for me they got me a over night bag together

She has never seen my son and I couldn't even tell you what she looks like now

Shem on those who moan

maddening · 11/04/2012 14:36

yabu, why should other's situations pale to insignificance just as you have no help.

YellowWellies · 11/04/2012 14:43

You're not being unreasonable. I lost my Mum as a teenager and am acutely aware now I'm updiffed of the help and support I'll be missing out on. I'm sure some of her advice would have pissed me off but it would have been amazing to have the chance to have it and squabble about it! My Dad bless him, is too much of a fun-loving hippy to take GP responsibilities seriously. It took him 6 months to get around to meeting his last grandchild - despite the fact that she spent 2 months in NICU!!!! It might sound entitled and spoilt wanting help but my parents had shit loads of help when they had kids from both sets of grand parents, it enabled them to have a social life, return to work - but now it's their turn they aren't keen on keeping that inter-generational pact going. The generation retiring now really does seem to be more interested in cruises and gadgets than grandkids :(

Original poster
ssd · 11/04/2012 23:47

I don't think its a generational thing, yellow, I just think some parents are more selfish and are used to putting their feelings first, than others

probably has always been so

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 11/04/2012 23:51

yabu.

Original poster
ssd · 11/04/2012 23:54

why fanjo?

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 11/04/2012 23:59

why? what mydog said.

you can't live your life telling people not to talk about their problems just because they are not your problems. Life doesn't work like that.

Original poster
ssd · 12/04/2012 00:02

I didn't tell anyone not to talk about their problems I'm just exasperated at the mums complaining of grannies wanting to buy things for their kids/cuddle their kids without written permission/visit when baby is born etc etc

there are so many things to get upset about surely these are the least of their problems

OP posts:
PuffPants · 12/04/2012 00:12

There was a thread the other day where the OP was complaining that the GPs filled their house (their own house, I should add) with fabulous toys for her DD to play with on the days they were caring for her. The OP was worried her DD would love her GPs more than her because of this and that they were taking the shine off the toys she herself had bought.

There was more to it than that but, jeez, what is it they say? First world problems?

Our parents live 200 miles away. I've had two nights out in two years...Envy

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 12/04/2012 00:14

I think YABU

My dad died before my last child was born. Do I wish he was still here and could have met him? Yes. Do I think that therefore anyone who has a living father has no right to moan and has to tolerate any behaviour? No.

There are some people who are overly critical of grandparents who mean no harm, but there are also a lot of people who have to put up with terrible behaviour from them. Personally if I was going to judge an op it would be on a specific post and situation, some dil's need to get over themselves some mil's need to back off, I don't automatically assume one party is in the right because of which role they have

I think it's horrible when sometimes a poster comes on to vent about what can be an incredibly stressful situation and is told she should shut up and put up just because she has living p's/pil's and others don't ( not you op, people who go onto a thread and tell others to count themselves lucky because their own dm/dmil etc is dead, I think that really manipulative)

thekidsrule · 12/04/2012 03:17

listen we all moan about things that effect are lives

some moan that other parents help out financialy,others moan about division of house hold chores etc etc etc

i get no help but i could moan that atleast those with no help have partners or ex's as support i have none of those but thats how things go,im not gonna spend my time fretting over how everybody else is better or worse of

does it effect your life what other peoples arrangements are,hide those threads,as it will just wind you up

and after all at the end of the day have confidence and pride that you bought your kids up (even though at times i could give mine away,all 3 of them,lol) you manage and atleast you know you can cope with anything,no greater test than bringing up kids with no or very little help

i admit i make a hash of it a far bit but also feel a little smug that i manage far better than i thought i would and it gives me a real buzz,and hopefully when the kids are older they will realise they werent packed of at the first opportunity,think we are so close because were all together and lean on each other as its only us

theodorakis · 12/04/2012 07:05

Well I am not jealous, I have live in help. But it saddens me, as I live 3000 miles away from my family (my choice I know) and have days when I miss my mum so much. Don't get me wrong, she drives me crazy but it is not just about the help, it's about having them young and healthy enough to be interested in the kids and close enough to be able to.

eggyblackett · 12/04/2012 07:10

ssd you are like a stuck record. Why do you keep posting about this same topic? I really think you need to let it go, as it must be turning into an issue for you.

skybluepearl · 12/04/2012 07:56

my MIL has next to no involvement in our lives - and that's just fine, wouldn't want any more or any less.

everlong · 12/04/2012 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunshineandbooks · 12/04/2012 11:19

It's 6 of one and half-a-dozen of the other, surely.

I don't have any parents; they died years ago and never knew my DC. I miss them and feel very wistful when I see GPs out with GCs or hear about some help or support provided. If my own DM was here I know she'd be brilliant, and having done it completely on my own I am determined to help as much as I can with my own GCs. The thing I miss most though is simply my DC having that relationship with someone other than me who cares about them with equal passion.

However, while I think many people are horribly unappreciative, there are definitely others who experience the other side of the coin - where in return for 'help' the provider expects rights that are not theirs to demand. It must be very difficult to drop your DC off at GPs (because you cannot afford childcare for example) and then have the GP feel entitled to comment and meddle in all the minutiae of your life because 'you couldn't do it' without them.

Original poster
ssd · 12/04/2012 11:34

eggy, I know I'm like a stuck record and posting here and finding others feel the same makes me feel a bit less isolated

but I'm surprised you seem to follow my threads?? why?

OP posts: