to be fed up with mums complaining about all the help they get from their own mothers/mils here?

[ssd]

I know I am prickly about this subject as we don't have any help and would love some, but really

all I seem to have read here recently is daughters/DIL's complaining about pushy/over helpful/too generous grandparents/gp's not following their every wish

is it too much just to be grateful you've got some help at all, or someone who is so interested in your child they actually get on your nerves with it?

I want to say "be grateful, enjoy the interest and appreciate the help"

please!

YANBU - both sets of grandparents (or grandparents to be, I'm 37 weeks pregnant) live virtually at the other end of the country, and I'm very aware that my baby will not have a super-close relationship with them.

I expect she just did a quick search because your nickname rang a bell, rather than following you.

Focussing so much energy on what you don't have (help from gp) is not helping you.

I know it's a bit galling; I remember when my dc were little my neighbour looked after her gc every friday night, so her daughter could go out. But it doesn't help to dwell on it.

Is there something else going on?

People post on here about all sorts of trivial issues, if they didn't MN would be v quiet. YABU No one said it was the biggest problem of their lives just a problem, fairly often they are looking for perspective too, telling them to get a grip is no different to telling a child who wont eat that there are starving children in Africa.

Disclaimer posted by a mum with no mum

I also think the thing is that some people may not know how lucky they are, some people may not feel lucky at all and some may realise they are lucky to have help but still need a bit of a moan

If you start going down the road of 'they shouldn't be moaning, they're luckier than me' then where does it end?

I'm stuck in a wheelchair, I can't play with my children I miss out on a lot, but I don't think that entitles me to say ' tsk look at those people moaning about having no support from their parents, at least they can walk, they don't know how lucky they are' or 'look at that poster moaning how awful her husband is to her, at least she can walk'. And in the same vein someone with a terminal illness may look at me and think well she's only stuck in a wheelchair she's got no right to moan when I'm not going to live much longer. If we started a league table of who's worst off and who should have a right to moan on here mumsnet would grind to a halt, and friendships would crumble in real life under the strain of 'you have no right to moan look at what I'm going through'

Jealousy and bitterness are understandable, but are not ok to push onto others who have their own and different problems

Well I dont want to look after any future grandchildren day in and day out thank you.

Me and dh had our 4 as young parents and 2 older ones now grown up, youngest is 13 so bit to go but as soon as she off our hands me and dh are flying our own bloody nest.

Will love all the fun and spoil Gc totally but my kids know I won't be at any school gates on a regular basis, unless emergency or for fun times.

Some parents think their parents are only there to help them with their

I won't be interfering I will be sunning myself as done my bit.

Everlong, sadness is totally understandable and so is jealousy of course it is, losing a parent is just such an ongoing heartbreak, especially when there is the sadness for what your children are missing too

I also understand why a post moaning about a mum helping too much is painful to read

But that wasn't what the op was saying, she ws saying that it you have help, any help you should just be grateful and basically put up and shut up with any behaviour that upsets you, and I don't think that's fair (especially reading what some people on here have to put with in the name of 'help')

My mum has been making my life pretty much hell since, well, as long as I can remember. Now, I am told I should appreciate the fact that she helps with the children by having them after school and sometimes during school holidays. Lovely. But I pay her for this, and ALSO get presented with invoices for the "treats" she gives them - things I wouldn't dream of buying them myself as I can't afford it! She despises me and the choices I have made such as getting a dog. She decided yesterday to tell the children I was getting rid of it (which I am not) and I had to deal with comforting the two of them who were in floods of tears as a result. On top of this, she makes derogatory comments about me to them on a daily basis.

She is dominating and manipulative, and, due to her previous mental health issues I am very much "guilted" into letting her look after the children as I am reminded by her friends and family that "she'd be dead if it wasn't for the children".

I am sick to death of it, and am struggling with knowing what the right thing to do is. I can't take much more of the pain, and I don't want to deny my children a relationship with their grandma, but she is really forcing the issue now. So, all I can say is that, yes, technically I have help, but it is help I pay for - both financially and emotionally. I wish she wasn't involved tbh, but I feel guilty about cutting her out, and the potential effect this would have on her. So, whilst I appreciate my situation is not typical, I would point out that gp involvement is by no means ANY form of blessing and whilst I have been "putting up" for years, I really feel that it is high time I put my foot down!

I too have no parents and just a MIL. There are lots of times when I wish we'd had someone who could help out (trying to work out a care rota when DC2 was born was a complete nightmare) and I do wish my parents could have seen my lovely kids. I often feel abit guilty about how much I rely on freinds to help out in emergencies. So yes OP - I can see your point.

We have compnesated to a certain extent by the fact that we have had more money because of it so could afford to spend more on childcare but its undoubtedly harder than just having someone you can ring up and ask for help.

On the other hand I grew up in a household where one of the MILs was in residence and while undoubtedly my parents had a great social life because of it it did cause no end of friction and arguements.

I'm also now feeling rather relieved that I haven't got to worry about becoming an in between carer - looking after kids and frail GPs or have to see my parents succumb to long term illness or dementia.

I'm also not sure how I'd deal with having GPs close by and have a lot of sympathy with threads about GPs who do things which don''t fit in with their ideas about bringing up kids etc. Its lovely when our remaining GP comes to stay but I do always feel a bit under scrutiny and find myself muttering under my breath about things she does.

So I guess its swings and roundabouts.

YANBU.

I haven't told anyone to put up and shut up, I was saying I find it hard to read posts from mums who complain about their parents/PIL's being generous/helpful/wanting to see or help with baby

in no way am I say people with help should never complain or they should take abuse from those toxic gp's who help them out

I don't mind being told IAMU but can't stand people trying to put words into my posts that aren't there

I have a lot of friends who get a lot of help from GPs. As a family that don't have any help it generally doesn't bother me.

But I have 2 friends in particular who are so smug about the help they have.

One use to talk all the time about her nights out. Then eventually when we did managed a night out she preceded to tell me all about her night away in a nice hotel! Lovely!

ssd I have a good memory for posters who sound like stuck records :o.

Fwiw, I suspect that there are a lot of MNers who manage to keep buggering on without help who spend a lot less time navel gazing about it. Maybe they really don't have the time?

Just as I can give my opinion everlong.

My point is that SSD should maybe try to let it go . There's lots of things in life where there isn't parity - surely it can't be healthy to be prickly about it (as OP says herself)?

.

We don't have help and I think are better for it. Friends who have GP doing childcare seem to have a lot of issues attached. We pay a babysitter once a month to look after the dcs so we can go for dinner and we pay for childcare while I work. It's hard financially but that is the only sacrifice.

You can all take my MIL if you like. She is overbearing, interfering and just plain odd. Also she cannot be trusted to look after the DC's.

The only time we get child free time together is when my parents visit for a long weekend and offer to babysit. Since they live 150 miles from us, we dont expect their lives to revolve around our DCs. They might have them for a week in the school hols, I don't know yet. We have provision for children's clubs here though.
What gets my goat is that the other GPs do absolutely everything for their other two GCs but sod all for our DCs. They never offer to do anything with them but demand their presence when they want to parade them. This annoys DH no end

Subject close to my heart this. Erased a few replies now, bit inflammatory

Okay 2 categorys

a) Entitled: Moan and complain GP should take children while they go on holiday, have day out, go to work etc etc. WRONG. Be grateful GP will take them at all, and happily do it for free (if you are working). Or moan and groan as GP won't take children as all other GP's do.

b) Stuck: Unhappy as gp will not back off and employ emotional blackmail/aggression to get time with gc which leave parents unhappy and put in difficult position. Have every sympathy. Or parents want GP to be involved and are hurt they don't want to spend time with gc.

My personal experience is a) type parent. Especially when it comes to joining committees. 'Well we're all busy but someone has to do it' martyrs. And they ALL have family help. And moan about not having enough (about half of them). So they try to make me feel guilty for not joining. And succeed, just takes dh to keep reminding me they have help where as we don't. REALLY PISSES ME OFF!!! Be fecking grateful you ungrateful whining moaning ninnies!!!!! Get over yourself and your entitlement, GP have a life too! Pah!

And breathe. And repeat.

YANBU

Oops, rechecked your post SSD!! Okay, a little bit u. I can see where they are coming from, and I can see where you are coming from too. I come from a toxic emotionally blackmailing family and it is no fun. But totally see why you are bothered by it :) re I'm guessing your family being disinterested.

Fence.

My parents are amazing and really help me out a lot - and I do realise how lucky I am. When dd3 was younger and constantly screaming with reflux they would come round just to hold her so that I could get on with things. At the moment they come round every Thurs evening so that I don't have to drag the youngest 2 out when I take the oldest to her ridiculously late ballet class. I don't think I'm "entitled" - I don't expect it and I do appreciate it.