to be fed up with mums complaining about all the help they get from their own mothers/mils here?

[ssd]

I know I am prickly about this subject as we don't have any help and would love some, but really

all I seem to have read here recently is daughters/DIL's complaining about pushy/over helpful/too generous grandparents/gp's not following their every wish

is it too much just to be grateful you've got some help at all, or someone who is so interested in your child they actually get on your nerves with it?

I want to say "be grateful, enjoy the interest and appreciate the help"

please!

I have 'grandparent envy' as my parents are elderly (and exhausted from looking after all the other grandchildren - I was a late starter) and ILs live 300 miles away.

Having said all of that at least my DH & I can say we did it all ourselves

YADNBU op. i too am sick of it.

In some respects I am lucky as mil does help us although we are careful not to abuse it. She maybe babysits once every 3 months or so. Just when we get the rare invitation out or very occassionally if I am working and other childcare lets us down.
However, I do feel sad that my own mum is no longer with us. Its so sad that she won't even get to meether latest grandchild. Although she rarely bavysat for us due to ill health.
So yes, those who get regular help are very lucky and really should appreciate it more. Although probably some may have reason to whinge a little if gp are really toxic.

lol @ calamity

I think children benefit from time with grandaprents because it gives them experience of other generations and other opinions and rules but They need to know that their parents are the ones in charge of them, who are responsible for them.

My mum used to have dd just one day a week and that was a special day for both of them, they used to have a an adventure [happy]
.......... and it saved me £33 a week in the process!

I was talking to a GP the other week who travels for an hour in the morning rush hour to pick up her grandson, looks after him all day then drives for half an hour to drop him off at the school her daughter works at, then goes and works herself 4-8pm as she has changed her own hours so she can look after her grandson. She does this 5 days a week and must be shattered. She said "but this is what you have to do to help out these days". I was personally I think the daughter is taking the piss but if the mother is happy with it who knows??

sometimes its hard to see he appreciation in the posts where the op is complaining about the help/free childcare they get

of course there is always 2 sides to this, I like it when grans post here to show their sides of things, makes interesting reading

at least its better the daughters/dil's complaining anonymously on here, it would be awful if the grans/MIL's heard some of it to their faces

I don't think the OP is referring to the extreme examples of EA we see on here (remember the poor woman who wasn't allowed to stay in her MIL's house on Christmas day as her husband had been rushed to hospital?). Just those treads where the OPs are moaning for what are actually lovely acts of kindness. But unfortunately those lovely acts of kindness just don't meet the OPs' exact specifications

I think it greatly benefits those posters to be given some perspective and to be told that actually, they really don't know how bloody lucky they are.

So ssd, YANBU

Be grateful for what help you get, and if you don't like the way the grandparents look after your kids then just look after them yourself

That's exactly it in a nutshell for me.

My parents live 200 miles away. On Sunday night at 9pm I was admitted to hospital (on the mend now). 2am they relieved our lovely neighbours and looked after my 3 year old and 5 month old with my DH. All 3 adults had no more than 3 hrs sleep. If my DD is happy and fed nothing but chocolate I don't give a shit. I am so bloody grateful they care enough at nearly 70 years old to do this. So far DD is delighted with her boiled eggs for breakfast and comics!!!!

GPs are GPs not childcare professionals. Use them for free childcare let them at least enjoy it!

I agree with MrMiyagi. Just because you don't get GP help yourself doesn't mean that those who do get help have no problems.

FWIW, I'm in your position, always have been. In fact, since my dds were tiny I've been the one helping my own mother, as she is widowed and elderly with health problems. I have no help from anybody and yes, it can be a bit galling when my friends head off for nights out, romantic weekends away, or even just go for dinner at their parents' house, have their Dad pop round to sort out the leaky tap or broken-down car, maybe the odd cheque to help them along. I would love to have that. But it isn't their fault that I don't, and bitterness will help nobody.

From the experience of friends, I can also see clearly that it isn't all roses if you get help. Arguments about how they bring up their children, when Grandma is much more indulgent and tries to stop any discipline being applied. Undermining attempts at healthy food - in one case, ignoring an intolerance. Interfering in marriages. Insisting on "helping", even when the help is politely refused, so that a 37-yr-old woman feels she has no input into how her own house is decorated.

The son of that particular family is 35, healthy and single. When he went on holiday last month his mother came round, cleaned his house and cleared his garden, including dragging huge fallen branches around. He had planned to do it when he came home. I can't speak for her son, but imagine what you'd feel like if you came home from a week in the sun and discovered that a tiny woman of nearly 60 who suffers from arthritis had done that for you.

Most people with help from their parents are, indeed, lucky to have it. But that doesn't mean that all grandparents give this help in a balanced and reasonable way. They can be bossy, overbearing, patronising and controlling, and if someone experiencing this behaviour complains about it, I don't blame them just because I get no help at all.

I get loads of help, tbh I couldnt do it without it.
But complain? I am counting my lucky stars this many people want to be involved in DD's life

& it is wonderful when I can hand her over to my dad and Go back to bed on a weekend!

Sweetkitty that's dreadful! Totally taking advantage of the GPs generosity, esp if it's a permanent arrangement!

ssd I think I've prob skipped the posts by the entitled mums in question, and luckily don't know anyone that ungrateful in RL, so if it's them you're referring to and not just anyone who dares complain about their DM/MIL then I shall do a U-turn - YANBU! :)

MrMiyagi talks a lot of sense. We're all here for a little bit of moan aren't we?

If ya can't whinge on mumsnet about your Mum/mil it would be pretty quiet around here.

Some people can't seem to hear people talking about their own experiences without thinking there is implied criticism of others in different circumstances.

Yes some people are 'entitled' but others are just paranoid.

But does it do those posters any harm when they come on here, have a moan about how awful their MIL/DM is for daring to give their 4 year old a bit of chocolate after dinner (or something else equally unimportant) to hear that actually they are BU as the MIL/DM provides 40 hours' free childcare for them each week and without that help they would be totally stuffed?

I am now going to have my usual rant on here that 'support' is not being in absolute 100% agreement with someone. Rather, supportive can actually be well-balanced advice and allowing people to see others' points of view.

YANBU

Both sets of GP sadly deceased and we are both only children so no aunts / uncles. We work different hours to cut down on childcare and haven't had a night out in 4 years.

What I would give for a relative who could come and visit my DD who cared about her - to sit and play with her for 1/2 hour.

Sweetkitty that's dreadful! Totally taking advantage of the GPs generosity, esp if it's a permanent arrangement!*

I am in discussions with my DD, at the moment, because she is trying to work out how they would manage if they have a baby.

I have said that i will quite happily re-arrange my working hours, my GM did with my mum and i benefitted so much from being part brought up (not a critiicism) by my GP's and having wider family, regular contact, who had all married into familys outside of our home city/country.

I don't knowif the attitude that GP's shouldn't be an active part of their GC's lives, including helping with childcare, is part of the North/South divide.

I know some other people like the one sweetkitty mentioned. One gran at the local toddler group I take DS to has her 2 grankids from 7am-7pm 5 days a week. I was when she told me but bit my tongue as it's really not my business.

There is a big difference between a grandparent helping out so a parent can work or go to medical appointments and a grandparent being called in to help every weekend so the parents can have 'couple time' or go out on the tear.

I also know another set of grandparents who mind their 2 grandkids every weekend all weekend so their son can has quality time with his wife. I wouldn't dream of asking my parents or IL's to do this in a million years.

my mum lives 180 mile away and my mil is in a home.
so i don't get any help either.

i do get it, i understand why you're frustrated, but i would be driven mad by my mother if she baby-sat!
our ideas on childrearing are very different.

I was agog at one of dds friends mums when she was memoning the fact that grandparents had spent hundreds of pounds on her ds present and yet about £15 on dd. I asked if they bought other things throughout the year for dd maybe and she replied oh yes they pay for all her ballet lessons.

Green with envy at the thought I was.

Mine get £15 if that on presents and we get no financial help at all even though we are often skint.

So just because you don't have any help other people aren't allowed to moan? FWIW I have very little help, no family of my own and DH's family are useless live a long way away. But I have been on the recieving end of MIL's overbearing behaviour and iy affected my mental health.

I dont know - I have a lot of sympathy for some of the posters on here.

My parents and PIL live miles away so we see them both a handful of times a year and my siblings arent near so I dont have any help.

Sometimes feel that I wish they were nearer, so that me and DH could go out occasionally (cant afford a babysitter), but then I read the posts on here and hear from friends whose parents or in-laws are just overbearing (not abusive). It makes me glad that I dont have that claustrophobic, interfering and taking over going on.

I have a friend whose MIL insists on cutting her DCs hair despite having no talent in that direction and being asked not to by my friend and her DH (and a whole host of other stuff she is asked not to) and then sneaks them to a hairdresser asking them to tidy it up but leave it a bit messy so her MIL doesnt guess. Cannot imagine how crazy that will drive me.

So I think I am happy without the help and the babysitting as I also dont get the interference.

Hmm, it depends on what the moaning is really. I live 200 miles from my family and my partner's family are in another country. His mum visits twice a year and drives me mental, she us extremely overbearing, petty, patronising and tries to treat us both like small children. If she did live close by and I had to see her more regularly then I would need a moan sometimes.

Many of those who moan that they get no help, or the grandparents are not interested, probably only have themselves to blame.. if any of the "my interfering MIL" threads are anything to go by...

birdsgottafly I don't knowif the attitude that GP's shouldn't be an active part of their GC's lives, including helping with childcare, is part of the North/South divide.

Gosh, misunderstand much? No one would suggest loving GPs shouldn't be part of a child's life, and how on earth is it a North/South divide? Chip on shoulder perhaps?

The person Sweetkitty refers to is practically working a second job looking after her GC, it doesn't seem very fair on the woman, as combined with her actual job she's working very long hours every day. If she's happy to do it then fine of course, but yikes, it seems a lot esp as she doesn't seem to live close by and has to do a lot of driving on top. It appears that the daughter is taking advantage.
Only appearances tho, obv I have no clue what their situation is in reality! :)

I can see both sides as can most people i'm sure.

But I do think you're being a little unfair and perhaps feeling a little bitter, albeit understandably so.

At all times we all know that there are many people worse off than ourselves, that is a universe fact. It doesn't however make our situation irrelevant.

I find my mother a chore, sad but true. She can be lovely and has many great qualities, she is however a chore. The fact that other people have very sadly lost their own mothers or perhaps have seriously toxic mothers does not make mine less of a chore.

I am at the moment trying to come to terms with the break up of my marriage. I'm not doing it very well. I don't read the "aibu to think dh should pick up his bloody socks" threads because they make me bitter and resentful.

I accept though that this is my problem not theirs. They are fully entitled to complain and to find their husbands bloody annoying.

Difficult as it may be this is life. Everyone's situation is different and it is really unfair to project your own issues onto someone else's situation.