Help with MIL problem....

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

Christmas 2010 we went to the PIL a 5 hour drive away. This way my idea. Things have often been fraught between me and MIL but I was trying to please.

So we arrived to find them out. We had travelled 5 hours in a car with lots of luggage/presents a 3 and 4 year old. NIGHTMARE.

They were busy so we settled ourselves in our hotel. Hotel was necessary - as staying at theirs was too much trouble. Their words.

We let the kids run riot and burn off some energy. Much needed and then we make our way to PIL home.

Was nice. OK.

Then back to hotel to get ready for Christmas day. I decorated the soulless hotel room with a tree and stockings (for Santa to find) and more... then we went to bed.

Of course, sleep, stockings prepared and delivered and then at the usual 5.30am kids awake and of we go......

We had been told the the day before that we couldn't arrive to PIL until after 11.30am. So we made the first 6 hours in a hotel room as fun as possible with the kids.... they are still 3 and 4 years old.... It was pretty shitty really.....

We arrive at PIL and have a jolly enough time of it. We are all making an effort. Its ok. Christmas dinner is late IMO for small kids as it always is. It was 4.30pm before we ate. The boys were over it by then. One ate a bit the other didnt. The littler one was already showing worrying signs of over tiredness.

I have to say they behaved beautifully up until this point. I was very proud.

We (me and hub) ate (in a hurry) and then little one (aged 3) started shouting. I couldn't placate him and I tried every trick in the book. We eventually had to leave. Bath, bed, story etc was much needed.....

He had been up for over 12 hours and was hot tired. Something, I didnt know what, was wrong with him and I knew we had to get him to bed. Routine etc.

It was a 15 min walk to the hotel room in the snow.

We started to leave. Coat alll the rest etc.... while PIL etc were still eating cheese and drinking coffee after Crimbo dinner.

MIL came in and I was on my knees trying to get coat on 3 year old... She just kept repeating (bearing down over me) that we couldnt leave and had to stay as there were more presents to unwrap. I said that we had to go (coudnt she SEE?) and that she wouldn have to be up all night with little one?

We had to 'just leave' my boy was screaming.....

She told me that I just had to leave him to cry....? We dont do that in my house. My children are 11 months apart and when they cry - we go to them....!

We left. It was awful. Little one up all night with a fever... no calpol, no thermoter, no hotel staff just me and my hand on forehead and no sleep....

We went back Boxing Day. SCREAMING ABUSE. CHILDREN SCARED SHITLESS, SO WAS I. SCREAMING, SPITTING, OBSENITIES. Awful.

It took me six months to stop my 4 year old from asking why Daddy is a BLOODY SHIT!!!!

We had upset her because we left early. No consideration for her efforts over Christmas etc etc. FYI. Christmas dinner was reheated and not cooked. Pre preared roast potatoes (the best kind not Aunt Bessies) and all the rest pre prepared too....Not that much effort IMO.

Hub is really upset that they have behaved this way but undersatnds that this is normal behaviour for her.

I am expecect to brush under the carpet.

I was badly absused by MIL 40 hours after giving birth and cant brush this under the carpet again.

Kind of feel like we should split up.... Me and hub.

Sad. :O( Confused....

Thanks for listening. Any help/advice gratefully received. I want to leave Hub even tho I love him so I can be free of the last 18 months of hell Ive been in...... :(

x

I know. Its so sad.
My husband has done so well in coming to terms with this and accepting it.
Its so much harder to walk away that it sounds.

inertia - youre right. dh has worked so hard accepting this fact. the fact they they are abusers (all dressed up in upper middle class darling). he is in therapy and he does get it. its been so sad watching him come to terms with all this. its been so hard for me to watch. the last 2.5 years have been hell and I was feeling strong enough to try again. probably opening up the hell of the last 2.5 years all over again - which this time - I fear we wont survive.

its all so shocking.

miggsie - YES YES YES. I still cant quite believe ive managed to explain all this and people get it. youve got it exactly right. mil total ringleader and the rest of the family are secretly delighted that while we are getting her venom - they arent. noone has ever said that screaming abuse at me, my children and my husband on Christmas day 2.5 years ago is unacceptable behaviour.

dh can see his father as an abuser now - as an adult but as a child he saw him as his hero. sometimes protecting him from her and sometimes not. FIL basically taught DH to do exactly what MIL tells him to do for DH own safety. My husband doesnt even know how to pick a restaurant on a night out - he has been denied his own opinion for so long. :(

ive considered professional mediation. i would just love someone to tell me that it is officially hopeless and we can move on.

i would love to salvage some relationships with other members of his family.

i just dont want to have to think about this any more.

how can i get this fucking well over with?

I want dh to either reconcile and we go though (or we dont??) go through the whole hideous experience all over again.

or i want dh to tell them ITS OVER and we start the business of healing.

bergonia - i can only dream....

Forgive me if this is the wrong question, but why do you/DH actually have to speak to them and tell them it's all over? Can't you ignore any overtures from them? I do understand as I have an abusive father whom DM protected for a long time and wouldn't come and visit anyone without him, but finally she has realised that we can't put up with it. I have three siblings and we were the black sheep, even though we were the ones who had the most sh*t and tried to be the most reconciling. We shouldn't have tried to placate anybody at all, we should have just stood up for ourselves. We fell for the "I'm so sorry" line a couple of times, but life is much better now without him in it. He's not well at all at the moment, but I try not to think about him at all. It's hard as he wasn't 100% bad when I was small, but he did make life hell at times and has got worse as he's got older.

I wish you luck in whatever you choose. I sympathise completely as I know it's so hard.

I think DH can do that. For me - I need some kind of closure.
Some sort of This Is It moment.
I dont know why?
Im sorry youve had to go through the same sort of thing. Its utterly ghastly and Im sure makes me (and indeed you) a better person/parent for it.

I think Judge Judy is right- you don't have to tell them anything. Whenever you and DH have moved on and reconciled for yourselves, then you can just ignore and block contact. Don't give them the power to argue or respond, just disappear from their lives.

I think you might be right to say that DH needs "permission" from somebody professional to close the door on this. And Miggsie is very astute- everyone else needs him and you to carry on being the victims, because you can bet your bottom dollar that somebody else is copping all of MIL's anger while you are out of the picture.

Well. Ive done a complete u turn since logging on to tell you how pleased we are with ourselves.... Im glad I did tho.
DH is with his therapist toinght - so will wait and see what he has to day. But yesterday he told me that this has reminded him of how awful it all was 2.5 years ago and that we will be mad to let her back in.
I think all I want is to know what we are doing. I hate all this will we/wont we stuff.
Ill report back once he has got back.
x

Glad to hear he's willing to consider all your options. Good luck x

OP, have a busy morning, but will PM you this afternoon.

Glad your DH is coming round to making this decision. For my DH he has long accepted his mother's issues. It has been the decision to cut off contact with his family that he has struggled with. I know that this has been incredibly difficult for him but he now accepts that there is no other way. Thankfully he has recently confided in a close friend who is reminding him why he shouldn't visit when we get the emotional blackmail via texts and e-mails reminding us of their age and impending death.

I am so sorry for you and your family.

We moved away from them 2.5 years ago, but feel like we will never "escape". MIL is relentless and never gives in until she gets her way and hence we know that the e-mails and texts will continue. With my MIL, however, she can be incredibly charming outside of the family (although bitches about everyone, but others are not aware what she says about them). It's therefore v difficult to get others to believe us (apart from our close friends who know us).

Hugs x

OP I didn't see your first thread but I've been in almost EXACTLY the same situation over the last eight years with my MIL (would honestly have thought you were my BIL's partner but for a few details).

I don't know if this helps. But I did a similar thing to you - I supported DH but decided I was playing no part in his family after some really abusive behaviour. It meant that the last time I saw any of them was my wedding day. It's been years, DH still went to see them in vain hope, hurting himself all the while and I was there to pick up the pieces

About 18 months ago though he decided he too had had enough after his mother (not for the first time) threatened suicide just so he would have it on his conscience, after another round of abuse. In that period there has been harassment o us at our home, pressure from other ILs, even the security at DH's workplace had been informed.

I'm 27 weeks pregnant and the ILs don't even know. A couple of trusted family members do, which involved DH finally telling them what his mother is like with him. They knew she was 'difficult' but of course had no idea how bad it was, and the support he has had has been amazing. DH knows that even if we felt strong enough, our child isn't. I know from experience too that as robust as DH might feel beforehand, he turns into a little scared boy around MIL and may not realise. I suspect your DH is similar.

He's telling you he has doubts - listen to them because what he is telling you is that he may not be as strong as he thinks. He may never be when confronted with her. That's why completely no contact is the only thing that's improved our lives at all - DH isn't scared any more and is focusing on being a great husband and soon-to-be dad, rather than pouring energy into being a son who is never good enough.

I'm on stately homes (like many on this thread!) and it truly has been a great support whenever I'm unsure or feeling intimidated again. If I were you OP (and I was!) don't let her back in. Again you could allow DH to see her, and maybe with DCs at neutral public venues where in my experience these people are less likely to kick off. You don't have to do this and I don't think it does her any harm to see that there are some people who she cannot sway or control. Good luck xx

There are people out there that really do know what Ive been/going though. I could weep with relief.

utterly we have always lived over 5 hour drive away. It has its obvious benefits but also negatives because when she visits - its always for a loooong weekend.

My MIL does a good impression of normal on the surface too so its hard to really get through to people how toxic she really is. Im glad your DH has got to grips with it. He is amazing.

forgetme - I wish you were my SIL. :( The suicide threat is awful isnt it. The ultimate form of control along side a mother withholding love.
Congratulations on your lovely bump! How exciting. :) You protect yourselves fiercely when that baby comes along. My MIL screamed the house down threatening me and making me feel like shit when our first born was born. 40 hours after giving birth I was making HER tea while she looked down her nose at me. She didnt even ask me how I was. I was so vulnerable and upset and then she wouldnt go away. The entire family rang text rang text blackmailing us and then FIL ripped chunks out of DH telling how shit he was and we were for not letting her stay with us etc etc etc. DH curled up in a ball on the floor on lounge (no sleep for 2 days by now) sobbing silently while his father ripped him to pieces. It ruined the experience for me (us) and the stress stopped my breas tmilk so she stole that from me as well. She didnt speak to me for 6 months after that - and all because I wanted some privacy.

So if your in laws get whiff of your pregnancy - be on guard.

I have to stop now. Too upset to continue. But basically - its all come back to me now and we wont be contacting them.

I just find it all so hard to live with. I want an ending and I dont know how to find one.

Basically - seeing all this written down and reliving it so to speak again has helped. I think the fullness of time had dulled the reality of what happened and what were up against. So I think we need to stay as we are are keep them away.

I just wish I could live with it easier. I always feel bad for DH because its ALL MY FAULT (its not) and I see his sadness.

Thank goodness I had this to come back too. Thank you all. Thank you. xx

ilove
You have to make your own ending. By giving MIL one more chance you are actually creating the situation where she makes the ending for you i.e. when she reverts to being a total bitch again then she effectively gives you permission to walk away. You are really giving her the power to create the ending when she choses.

Maybe the ending doesn't have to be absolute. Maybe it can be like giving up smoking when you just decide not to have the next cigarette, you just decide not to contact the PIL today or this week.

chaz thats a really good way of looking at it. i like. i will ponder.
youre right about giving her the chance to end it when she chooses. because i really do know it will happen again. sooner/later - all depends on how long she can keep control of herself or how long we bend over backwards to meet all her needs. either way it will happen.
thank you.

chaz - good point, but by the same token electricblanket can also choose her ending.

as soon as mil crosses the line, blanket can say 'ENOUGH'. line drawn. job done. dignity kept.

Read the thread now and actually think you have saved your dh from his family ! He's lucky to have someone like you.

Just

If there was a reasonable chance MIL would change her behaviour then perhaps it would be different. However, she will flip again so that's why it feels to me that letting her back in is looking for closure by way of one final " this is it" showdown.

ilove she sounds horrible. It took me a long long time to realise that some people are just not nice and will not change. Do what's best for you & your DC because you & your DC are most important. If that means cutting off contact then do it. I did it with one side of my family, and have never looked back. I don't regret it for a moment.

Just - but ilovemyelectricblanket doesn't need to wait for something else to happen. She and her dh can say 'enough' now, based on what has already taken place. It sounds as though they have shown astonishing dignity under the circumstances.

They are under no obligation to give MIL any kind of last chance or warning.

Ilove - the more you post about FIL the nastier he seems. He and MIL seem to have a bit of a double act going on. Your post about how they treated you and DH after thr birth is just horrific - attackingyou both while you were vulnerable. Does DH feel he somehow has to prove himself to his father ? If so, the best thing he could do would be to show that he will protect his family in the face of threats and blackmail.

You don't have to tell the ILs anything. You can just carry on ignoring and blocking. Carry on making it your decision to have no contact. Doing nothing is a perfectly accetable way forward .

"Doing nothing is a perfectly acceptable way forward."

I would agree with that.

No need for a big announcement which they can use to bad mouth you to all & sundry.

I second (or 3rd or 4th, wherever we are) doing nowt.

I decided a long time ago that certain sections of the family were just total negative influences. There was no great huge row, just a constant drip-drip of sad behaviour. So I did nowt.
When anyone brings it up, I explain it as "it's not that I'm not talking to them, I'm just happier if I'm not talking to them".
So I continue to do nowt and life is much less stressful without their shenanigans.

Ilove - after reading you last posts and how your husband responded to his father having a go at him I really think you would be better off staying as you are and not opening yourselves up to all that again. thank god you live so far away. Grown man reacting to his parents by sobbing on the floor reflects a totally fucked up and abusive relationship,does you husband realise how abnormal this is, this isn't how loving parent/child relationships are. How bad does it have to get before you call it a day as it all sounds so horrendous already.

I know I said it will probably all kick off again on the first meeting but what if it doesn't. What if she behaves herself just enough that you feel you have to keep contact until she finally kicks off. What way is that to live, I doubt your husband will be able to deal with that, I don't think he is strong enough against his parents, all his therapy and self realising will go out the window and it could set you all back to square one.

I have a toxic father, pretty screwed up and really I feel nothing for him anymore really, apart from pity that he is now a pathetic old man who no one loves and has created this by his abusive, unrational behaviour. But he has no where near this power over me, I think your poor husband is on a whole other level. I really fear for you all if you let them back I to your life.

He didnt realise but does now.

Therapy has really really helped and he IS so much stonger. He was always told his family was perfect and never being able to have his own opinion - he never questioned it. Till I came along.... :(
The Doing Nothing Theory is a new one on me. The more I consider it - the more I like it. Its quiet, unassuming and effective. All I want is peace of mind.
But doing nothing takes agreement between me and DH and he still doesnt know what he wants to do. Ultimately - if he wants to try again with them - them I will have to consider. Over my dead body will I allow DH to take DCs to spend time with them without me. Thats a failing on my part - but its exactly what MIL wants - me out of the picture and I cant trust my beautiful children with someone as damaged as she.
So - basically - I sit and wait for DH or PIL to make a decision while I wait and wait and wait.

When all I want is a decision made.

Isnt 2.5 years long enough to wait? How much more do I need to do?
Im tired of being patient and living under a cloud.

bergonia - exactly right. i suspect she will behave just enough to get to the DCs and spend time with DH and we will all be polite and MIL gets what she wants.
this could go on for years. DH like to think that with his new found strength and knowldge (and help of therapist) - that we wont make decisions based on what SHE wants but on what works for us.

ie. i wont be cooking, cleaning and tidying while she sits back, ingnoring me and indulging in DCs and DH.

we like to think that we will say she can visit for the day but then go home instead of her coming fri, sat and then sun. which was exhausting and meant we didnt have any quality time all weekend. then MIl would go home and put her feet up while I slogged on with DCs. (I had 2 babies in one year - its been knackering).

we like to think we would be able to say NO and she accept it without her screaming her head off and then FIL, SIL calling texting to say we have been horrible etc.

I dont know what will happend and I dont know how DH will cope.

Can it get any worse? If she does it again. Its over. Decision made. She made it herself and we move on?

Thats been the theory. But I see its horribly flawed.

bergonia im sorry about you father. you sound like you have got your head screwed on. :)