Help with MIL problem....

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

Christmas 2010 we went to the PIL a 5 hour drive away. This way my idea. Things have often been fraught between me and MIL but I was trying to please.

So we arrived to find them out. We had travelled 5 hours in a car with lots of luggage/presents a 3 and 4 year old. NIGHTMARE.

They were busy so we settled ourselves in our hotel. Hotel was necessary - as staying at theirs was too much trouble. Their words.

We let the kids run riot and burn off some energy. Much needed and then we make our way to PIL home.

Was nice. OK.

Then back to hotel to get ready for Christmas day. I decorated the soulless hotel room with a tree and stockings (for Santa to find) and more... then we went to bed.

Of course, sleep, stockings prepared and delivered and then at the usual 5.30am kids awake and of we go......

We had been told the the day before that we couldn't arrive to PIL until after 11.30am. So we made the first 6 hours in a hotel room as fun as possible with the kids.... they are still 3 and 4 years old.... It was pretty shitty really.....

We arrive at PIL and have a jolly enough time of it. We are all making an effort. Its ok. Christmas dinner is late IMO for small kids as it always is. It was 4.30pm before we ate. The boys were over it by then. One ate a bit the other didnt. The littler one was already showing worrying signs of over tiredness.

I have to say they behaved beautifully up until this point. I was very proud.

We (me and hub) ate (in a hurry) and then little one (aged 3) started shouting. I couldn't placate him and I tried every trick in the book. We eventually had to leave. Bath, bed, story etc was much needed.....

He had been up for over 12 hours and was hot tired. Something, I didnt know what, was wrong with him and I knew we had to get him to bed. Routine etc.

It was a 15 min walk to the hotel room in the snow.

We started to leave. Coat alll the rest etc.... while PIL etc were still eating cheese and drinking coffee after Crimbo dinner.

MIL came in and I was on my knees trying to get coat on 3 year old... She just kept repeating (bearing down over me) that we couldnt leave and had to stay as there were more presents to unwrap. I said that we had to go (coudnt she SEE?) and that she wouldn have to be up all night with little one?

We had to 'just leave' my boy was screaming.....

She told me that I just had to leave him to cry....? We dont do that in my house. My children are 11 months apart and when they cry - we go to them....!

We left. It was awful. Little one up all night with a fever... no calpol, no thermoter, no hotel staff just me and my hand on forehead and no sleep....

We went back Boxing Day. SCREAMING ABUSE. CHILDREN SCARED SHITLESS, SO WAS I. SCREAMING, SPITTING, OBSENITIES. Awful.

It took me six months to stop my 4 year old from asking why Daddy is a BLOODY SHIT!!!!

We had upset her because we left early. No consideration for her efforts over Christmas etc etc. FYI. Christmas dinner was reheated and not cooked. Pre preared roast potatoes (the best kind not Aunt Bessies) and all the rest pre prepared too....Not that much effort IMO.

Hub is really upset that they have behaved this way but undersatnds that this is normal behaviour for her.

I am expecect to brush under the carpet.

I was badly absused by MIL 40 hours after giving birth and cant brush this under the carpet again.

Kind of feel like we should split up.... Me and hub.

Sad. :O( Confused....

Thanks for listening. Any help/advice gratefully received. I want to leave Hub even tho I love him so I can be free of the last 18 months of hell Ive been in...... :(

x

[StrawberryMojito]

Yes, I think you're punishing your DH for phoning his mum. He accepts that neither you or your dc will have contact with her again but he misses his family. MIL sounds like a tyrant and a bully and the rest of the family also suffer the effects of that. As long as he doesn't try and force you or the kids into seeing her then let him get on with building bridges with his family. His sister didn't ruin your Xmas and if she doesn't want to bring the subject up then be grateful for that. It will bother you MIL more to know that you are getting on fine with other members of the family but still wont see her. I sympathise with you but you are starting to sound a little controlling yourself. Be careful of that.

[bamboobutton]

i can understand why you are so angry why your dh phoned his mum.

something similar happened with us. short story is: after years of snide remarks from fil i finaly had enough and told him so, he flips his lid, starts screaming, shouting, smashing furniture, threatening me, all in front of our 3yo ds.
all contact severed, fil never seeing me or kids again.

find out dh has been phoning fil like everything is hunky-dory and fil never threatened me.

feels like a huge huge betrayal. fil is NPD, a wife beater, generally abusive man but has family looking up to him like he is a god on Mt olympus
can't get dh to see how much it upsets me.

[popsypie]

Don't leave him because of her. It almost sounds like she is being 'the other woman'. Why should you be on your own whilst she has access to your boys and proves her point about you? Don't let her take your lovely family away from you - then she really would 'win'.

Just really focus on what you have NOW. You have two lovely children who are growing each day - don't let her rob you of that time by thinking constantly about her.

Is it possible for you to go away - just the four of you? Try and reconnect as a family - switch off the mobile and keep the location a secret.

It sounds like you want to do the right thing all the time, but you have put in the effort now and got nothing back. Cut her from your life - ignore her calls, block her number and don't answer the door. This is your DH's problem to resolve. Support him as he finds the strength to either break free or encourage her to find some help, but remember you have your own family and she is not a part of it.

Good luck - I really feel for you. xx

[DairyNips]

It's really hard and I understand your need to protect yourself emotionally.
When I went through similar my dh stood by me and didn't really make me choose in any way. When I needed to call my parents he was there to be a shoulder to cry on afterwards. If I had to visit them he came with me and presented a united front to them. When they shouted at me and were abusive he stuck up for me at the same time as me standing up for myself.

I needed that and appreciated it. We have now gone no contact and he supports me through that. If I felt the need to contact them again at any point in the future he would be by my side.

The only difference I would say between my situation and yours however was that I fully understood they were awful to me and my dh. I always tried to stick up for myself and dh to the point of having screaming matches. Your dh doesn't seem to be in that place yet, he is still giving in to the guilt trips and blackmail. It's hard not to, no one wants to look like the baddy and I'm sure your mil does a very good job of making everyone believe he is the baddy.

I'm just saying, he probably wishes they'd all just disappear tbh but is caught in this fear, obligation, guilt cycle. He is a victim in all this as are you.

What made us go no contact in the end was my ds1 being born. It's all very well having screaming matches when you disagree with them but when the dc are there to witness it it's just not right. I couldn't expose my kids to that or the lies and manipulation.

Hope you find a way to deal with this together. Maybe get him to read Toxic Parents.

[Spuddybean]

OP - she may well do. But does it really matter? she is unhinged. She would make everything out to be in her favour anyway wouldn't she. So ignoring her would make her the victim and speaking to her makes her forgiven.

This is how my PIL's are. And at the beginning i was cutting off my nose to spite my face. I was determined 'they' wouldn't win. But it was at the detriment of myself and my beloved DP (who is conditioned and damaged by them too).

I adjusted my view and stopped making it all about their feelings and made it about ours. As long as i didn't have to see them or hear about them why did it matter really what they felt. They are bonkers! If you don't play the game then they can't win.

Just draw the line where your boundaries are and try to get over the bitterness. Don't see them and tell your DH you don't want to be part of their drama's. He is not to tell you about them and you will not ask.

It's hard at first and i used to try to listen when DP was on the phone but now i just don't give a shit!

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

nanny - he has been to see SIL many time with kids... its been how it is and is becuase its how I prefer it.

I hate the pretence of it all...

Then he wants to invite her over for family lunch. I didnt like the idea but agreed as want to support DH as much as I can.

Now I hate the idea. I just feel intimidated by his family and I dont need the extra stress.

He can go and see her but he wants ME to be with him. It feels fake to me.

Now he has to tell her that lunch is off and I feel guilty that Im not going the extra mile.

I feel fecking awful.

Weve now had the biggest of rows. He is full of self pity (no body likes me and I cant do anything right) and Im just angry that I have to be involved in all of this.

MIL abused me and my kids very badly on numerous occasions. Im sick of it all. :(

[Spuddybean]

OP it sounds very raw still. I think if you can you should try to see SIL but make it clear PIL's are off the menu for conversation.

Could you meet out for lunch somewhere? You may have built seeing SIL up in your head, and seeing her for an hour may prove things can be okay. Of course it may not and she may make barbed comments in which case you know you did the right thing and you can leave at any time. Really what is the worst that can happen?

[pumpkinsweetie]

I agree with popsypie, dont let her win.
It would be the ultimate winning situation for mil if u were to split.

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

Also not in it to win it. This is a loose loose scenario.
MIL will never apologise.
Hub has to deal with the pain of that.
He is confused and hurt.
I am angry and tired.

I could see SIL and have a relationship but she is a product of this woman too and you can imagine what she is like. She is like her mother. Quite selfish IMO.

So so I have her for lunch and make nice or do I retreat and feel like Im a bad wife for not support hub?

spuddy you sound very well adjusted.... I like the re adjusting your mindset. Im close to it but every time I try to be strong and say fuck it - DH pops up with a guilt trip.

Im sorry other people here have PIL from hell too. Im so glad to feel like Im not on my own.....

Id never treat my kids like this.

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

spuddy genius idea. meet at a pub.
SIL is pregnant so wants it all nice and cosy at our house.... but it means I have to cook, clean, prepare etc etc etc only to be ignored or patronised.

At least lunch out means I can eat and run if I hate it.

The reason I have agnoised over this is that I feel I should give her a chance... IYKWIM.

Genius. THANK YOU. XXXXX

[deste]

Your MIL is a nightmare there is no doubt about that but you are putting your DH in an impossible situation. You say he can see his mother if he wants but you are punishing him for it. Why not see the SIL, as you say she has done nothing wrong. It would make your DH happy or does his happiness not come into it. I have not spoken to my MIL for about 7 years but there is no problem, my DH visits her every week. He never mentions anything because I'm not interested. I do ask how she is as I might get a clue to when I might expect to get my house back, (she lives in it rent free). We just get on with our lives and it never even entered my head that I would split from him because of her. It seems that it is your way or the highway. You didn't marry her so she doesnt need to be in your life.

[Jux]

Have SIL over.

Open the conversation with her by saying how sorry you were to miss the nieces party and then say what your MIL said and did that your ds has repeated it many times, is confused about it etc and explain that you are never going to be put in that situation again and nor are your children.

It might help to write down the salient points and learn them off by heart. Don't let anyone interrupt you; as soon as someone opens their mouth hold up your hand and say "I haven't finished", until you have.

That way your line in the sand is pubic.

You never know, your SIL might be delighted and become an ally.

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

Ok. Yet more discussions with DH.
Ive said that he can do as he pleases.... Ive always said that.
Ive said that Im not ready to hang out with his sister ---- yet.
Im just not ready.
He said that he wont see her then.
So I said thats bloody blackmail.
Go. Have a nice time with your fucking family but leave me OUT OF IT.
They scare me, they intimidate me and they abuse me.

Fair enuff?

I think he gets it.

And I think this is right.

If things change or improve then maybe I can see them. But as it stands. Im not comfortable.

This all feels good. The only bad is that I think I might be a bad wife... and not support Hub in what is a really horrible situation.

Thanks for listening guys.

x

[HoudiniHissy]

yep, do the pub thing... she wouldn't DARE humiliate you in public...

and then you are not waiting on her hand and foot, and as soon as you are finished eating you can leave!

Give her the chance on neutral ground. Don't let someone into your home that may humiliate you for fun...

If the subject of MIL comes up, say that you are NOT prepared to have that conversation and that if that is what her visit is all about, best pay the bill there and then...

Be THAT firm!

You can do it!

[DairyNips]

You're not a bad wife. No one should have to put up with this shit!

[Hownoobrooncoo]

Well nothing you said until the last few posts made it sound like the SIL was unreasonable and like the mother. I don't see why it has to be so hard. You no longer have contact with PILS. If SIL is reasonable and not out to get at you then I don't see why you can't meet up with her. If it gets nasty then don't contact her agin. You have made your call and are calling the shots, what more do you want unless you want your husband to completely drop his entire family. You stay clear of those who misbehave and let him do what he pleases. Honestly, what do you really, really want?

[MigratingCoconuts]

you're not a bad wife! i think you're brilliant!

I guess the tough thing is that you are never going to have that light bulb moment when mil suddenly goes 'oh, I see! I'm so sorry'. You will always be cast as the bully..

and you are way ahead of you dh and sil who haven't yet worked out that she is playing on making you all feel bad. He rings for a chat because he can't shake the behaviour yet.

The only thing you can control is you dcs experiences and you are being brilliant in keeping them away!

[MigratingCoconuts]

sil is just usd to keeping things easy. It must be tough for her if she's pregnant.

Is there any way you can chat with her on the phone and set your ground rules?

If no, then stick to you line of not seeing any of them. It is totally reasonable of you!

I really do think that you and your dc come first for you in all of this

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

hownoo thats a good question.
I think I want not to feel or be made to feel bad for not accepting MIL awful behaviour.
SIL hasnt given ME a hard time. Cold distance (we were reasonably close before) but I hate seeing her blackmail hub with risk of FIL dying (he had a mild stroke years ago). It makes me not like her.

I think I should see her and do this thing at the pub. DEFO not at my home. But SIL will be arsey about that. I really do have to jump through hoops for them and if i dont we are punished.

As in she is pregnant and has a 1 year old. I remember those days of exhaustion and nap times etc so she wants to come to our home. So little one can sleep. Its not an unreasonable request.... I AM JUST NOT COMFORTABLE AROUND THESE PEOPLE.....

I could say brunch/lunch bloody breakfast even. Meet them half way. Whatever works best for them with a 1 year old in tow. But not at my home....

But I think SIL will be arsey about that.

I guess I could try and see how it goes.

None of my inlaws have spoken to me since Dec 2010. I am not to be spoken to - so my nerves have got the better of me. My SIL would be hofrrified if I rang her.... and I dont have the courage after all this time....

I need to man up. And I will. Thank you lovely people. Cant belive how much effort youve all made. I AM SO PLEASED THAT YOU SEE IT AND GET IT.
THANK YOU.
X

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

When I say try - what I actually mean is that Hub will aks if thats ok.
And he will ask.
All communication goes through him.

Its the rules...

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

FYI. FIL SIL AND BIL are all lawyers.
Subtle and smart....
I used to be fine but this has knocked my confidence...

[MigratingCoconuts]

you are the sane one, though!

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

Thanks MC :) Much appreciated.

[WinkyWinkola]

But your dh isn't sticking up for you. He hasn't said your mil's behaviour towards his wife and children was unacceptable.

That's what the big problem is IMO. It's all very well the op just getting on with her life and avoiding her in laws but her dh has let her down massively. Where is his loyalty to his wife and children?

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

winky he has said al of that. he has said its not ok to treat me, him the DCs like that and has said it consistently for 18 months.
i think thats why the phone call was such a shock.
he still maintains that he behaviour isnt ok and will protect us but its hard for him.
i ricochet between supporting the fact that he is in agony choosing me over them and what is right.

sigh!