Help with MIL problem....

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

Christmas 2010 we went to the PIL a 5 hour drive away. This way my idea. Things have often been fraught between me and MIL but I was trying to please.

So we arrived to find them out. We had travelled 5 hours in a car with lots of luggage/presents a 3 and 4 year old. NIGHTMARE.

They were busy so we settled ourselves in our hotel. Hotel was necessary - as staying at theirs was too much trouble. Their words.

We let the kids run riot and burn off some energy. Much needed and then we make our way to PIL home.

Was nice. OK.

Then back to hotel to get ready for Christmas day. I decorated the soulless hotel room with a tree and stockings (for Santa to find) and more... then we went to bed.

Of course, sleep, stockings prepared and delivered and then at the usual 5.30am kids awake and of we go......

We had been told the the day before that we couldn't arrive to PIL until after 11.30am. So we made the first 6 hours in a hotel room as fun as possible with the kids.... they are still 3 and 4 years old.... It was pretty shitty really.....

We arrive at PIL and have a jolly enough time of it. We are all making an effort. Its ok. Christmas dinner is late IMO for small kids as it always is. It was 4.30pm before we ate. The boys were over it by then. One ate a bit the other didnt. The littler one was already showing worrying signs of over tiredness.

I have to say they behaved beautifully up until this point. I was very proud.

We (me and hub) ate (in a hurry) and then little one (aged 3) started shouting. I couldn't placate him and I tried every trick in the book. We eventually had to leave. Bath, bed, story etc was much needed.....

He had been up for over 12 hours and was hot tired. Something, I didnt know what, was wrong with him and I knew we had to get him to bed. Routine etc.

It was a 15 min walk to the hotel room in the snow.

We started to leave. Coat alll the rest etc.... while PIL etc were still eating cheese and drinking coffee after Crimbo dinner.

MIL came in and I was on my knees trying to get coat on 3 year old... She just kept repeating (bearing down over me) that we couldnt leave and had to stay as there were more presents to unwrap. I said that we had to go (coudnt she SEE?) and that she wouldn have to be up all night with little one?

We had to 'just leave' my boy was screaming.....

She told me that I just had to leave him to cry....? We dont do that in my house. My children are 11 months apart and when they cry - we go to them....!

We left. It was awful. Little one up all night with a fever... no calpol, no thermoter, no hotel staff just me and my hand on forehead and no sleep....

We went back Boxing Day. SCREAMING ABUSE. CHILDREN SCARED SHITLESS, SO WAS I. SCREAMING, SPITTING, OBSENITIES. Awful.

It took me six months to stop my 4 year old from asking why Daddy is a BLOODY SHIT!!!!

We had upset her because we left early. No consideration for her efforts over Christmas etc etc. FYI. Christmas dinner was reheated and not cooked. Pre preared roast potatoes (the best kind not Aunt Bessies) and all the rest pre prepared too....Not that much effort IMO.

Hub is really upset that they have behaved this way but undersatnds that this is normal behaviour for her.

I am expecect to brush under the carpet.

I was badly absused by MIL 40 hours after giving birth and cant brush this under the carpet again.

Kind of feel like we should split up.... Me and hub.

Sad. :O( Confused....

Thanks for listening. Any help/advice gratefully received. I want to leave Hub even tho I love him so I can be free of the last 18 months of hell Ive been in...... :(

x

[WinkyWinkola]

But he hasn't said it to his mother or family? Or has he? I'd be so indignant is all.

[Groovee]

Do what I do with BIL and his family (his wife screamed at my dd because she was angry at my dh, so she took it out on a 9 year old), I leave them downstairs with dh dealing with them. I normally get a good movie and chocolates. Until that thing apologises to dd I won't ever speak to her again. We're now 3 years down the line, so I have nothing to do with them.

[HoudiniHissy]

perhaps he is giving them a chance to get it right.... he, as their son/bro needs not to give up on them...

Sadly he has yet to learn that they WON'T ever get it right, because they don't want to.

There are motions he has to go through as the son/bro that you don't have to. I know you don't understand it and find it hurtful, incomprehensible, but he has a big wake up call yet to come, he still can't quite believe that they really don't give a shit enough to be nice to him and to his family.

he's not choosing them over you, he's trying not to lose his parents. He wants them to be nice, to be normal, to be OK, loving and nurturing. That's not going to happen, but for him to give up hope of that is excruciating. he's not there yet.

He needs to be on the stately homes threads.

he needs to talk with his counsellor about why he called them, what he expected/hoped from it.

[Hownoobrooncoo]

I think the husband is actually doing the best he can in a very difficult position. If he feels he needs contact with his family, just let him get on with it.

[OAM2009]

Sorry to hijack the thread for a minute but Hownoobrooncoo, to answer your question (on page 3), I understand completely how events with PILs can put pressure on your marriage, to the extent that you want to split up.

You sound pissed off your MIL dared get cancer which cut short your time in OZ Didn't quite mean it like that but now you've pointed it out, it's one for me and Freud to think about.

I am pissed off but not because she had cancer but more that her illness became another way to put pressure on us to return to the UK. They didn't even tell us she had cancer until we came home for a 4 week visit. And then what do you do? Oh, you've got cancer, OK, well bye then mum, see you in another 18 months?

OP, I'm afraid I haven't read all the posts yet but I hope that the sheer amount of support you're receiving from MN will help you, as well as all the advice and suggestions xxx

[ilikecandyandrunning]

Yanbu at ALL op! Don't let her anywhere near you or your kids. She has got away with acting like a spooky shit for far too long so good on you for saying 'no more' and for keeping your kids away from her toxic shit. Stand firm and just remember YANBU AT ALL!

[ilikecandyandrunning]

Stupid not spooky! iPhone!

[WinkyWinkola]

Although she does sound spooky and scary!

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

hownoo - I agree. DH is doing the best he can do in what is for us a really REALLY difficult situation.

It is awful. And the pressure we are under to perform our son and DIL duties is immence.

He rang her for a chat and that changes IMO the dynamics. I think (Ireally do think) that she thinks she is forgiven and we will be resuming our duties asap.

I dont think Im wrong.

DH sees 'my point'. I can only leave it at that.

I just now have to think hard about SIL visit (which Im fecking dreading) and go from there.

I DO SINCERELY THANK YOU ALL. What an amazing bunch and thank you so much for the time and effot you have put into my cry for help. I feel better and its thanks to the honesty and wisdom of you all and for sharing.

I left DH up with the pages of Stately Homes last night. I didnt know it existed but I do now. Thank you again Houdini :)

Pumkin - I will be thinking of you. Please let me know how it goes. Be strong and sure of what is and isnt acceptable to you and discuss with DH. x

StrawberryMojito - thank you. SIL wont want to bring up the subject. And for some reason that has offended me. But I think youre right that I should be grateful for that. I will chug on with the lunch and hope to minimise the stress of it all....

bamboo - its AWFUL that DH cant get his head around the situation. do you think you could get him to counselling? the best and biggest thing to come out of all of this is that DH now fully understands that his mother is damaged and her behaviour isnt normal. these kids grow up with behaviour and they think its normal but constant fear and veral abuse isnt normal. Have you asked him if he would like to raise his kids the way he was raise... might be a starting block. I wish you luck....

Take care wonderful people thank you for your help and enjoy your holidays....!

[Hownoobrooncoo]

My father is toxic, you'd be surprised how many us are dealing with this in one way or another, I have taken away his power to emotionally and verbally abuse me any longer and he is just a sad and bitter old man who is not loved but just tolerated by all his children. He also thinks he can control us with his money. My sister isn't faring do well though.

[pumpkinsweetie]

Today wasn't too bad, was bought a bottle of drink from fil to say sorry, the only bad bit about today was mil & H's aunt moaning about how none of us (sil, sil2& me) havent provided her any grandsons yet, moaning how theres too many grandaughters!! Me & sil obviously told them both theres no chance of that as bil has just had snip & i use contraception & we already have four girls each so that should make them happy that shut them up. Hopefully sil2 will give them want soon as weve had to hear about their prefrences since each girl has been born.
At my last scan at 21weeks the 1st thing they did was moan once we revealed the sex!
Considering sil had a miscarriage 1yr 1/2 ago and her last dc was a premmie and nearly died you would think they would be grateful for what grankids they do have but hey ho

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

Hey. Its been nearly a year. Will anyone see this if I add a post? Are any of you there? Not sure how this works a year later...

x

[PinkWinePixie]

We can see you. How are you? x

[Magimedi]

It's a bit Zombie.

Maybe start a new thread?

[Hobbes8]

Yes we can see you, and I remember your post. Hope things have improved for you?

The only thing about adding to an old thread like this is that some people will read your first post and answer it without realising it's old.

[claudedebussy]

yes - all going ok?

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

Im good. I just wanted to bring you all up to date and thank you all for saving me from myself.
I didnt split with DH. And Im so glad.
Things are still estranged between me and PIL but me and hub and found our way and are stronger for it.
Far enough to start considering ourselves strong enough to allow MIL back into our life.
Its a MASSIVE step but the point being that no matter how horrible and vile she is - we dont need to let her hurt us.
DH is in a MUCH better place. Im so relieved.
I really was consdiering leaving him but we made it though the fog.
I was just re reading this post and so many people said so many amazing and insightful things - that I wanted to say thank you and you were all so right. Even the posts that (at the time) made me question myself and my behaviour.
SO THANK YOU.
xxxx

[PortHills]

Great work, lovely change to start reading a thread and wonder how it's going to end up, and then hear a happy-so-far ending :-)

Congratulations to you and DH for being a strong couple.

[PortHills]

oh - happy-so-far sounds awful!! I didn't want to put happy-ever-after because it sounds a bit dappy :-)

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

Yes. I agree. I really was a year ago thinking that I have no choice but to divorce. I got A LOT of support (and it really was supportive) from mumsnet and I didnt. I got on with it. We got on with it. And a year later - we find ourslves STRONG and happy. And thank goodness for that.
Its been a bloody bloody long slog and not without pain. But I think we are going to be able to try and re introduce MIL and whether it is successful or not (Im not niave) - it WONT impinge on our marriage.
THAT is to be celebrated.

[PinkWinePixie]

Brilliant news, hope it goes well when you reintroduce her :-)

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

Thanks! Whatever happens - I will try to find some humour in it.
There wont be an apology. She isnt sorry and never will be.
Im over the shock and horror of it all.
It still stands that if she ever behaves like that again. Then its over.
No drama. No nothing. We wont let her abuse us our children like that again.
Sounds so simple now.
Has taken us 2.5 years to reach this point.
Funny old business isnt it.
Most important of all. Me and Mr Blanket are good.
Thats the best bit of all.
:o)

[claudedebussy]

that's really great news

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

Oof! Never again.
We had Christmas in our home in our new kitchen/diner with all of my family (who are lovely and appalled at my PIL behaviour).
It was wonderful.
Ive learned so much from this.
I will never again do things to an extreem (driving 6 hours with 2 small children to stay in a hotel over christmas) that I know are wrong to please the needs of others.
See how far weve come!???
Delighted I am.

The thing is - nothing has changed. Still the blackmail. Still no apology. Spiteful recorded delivery letters sent from her to me telling me how shit I am. Noting has changed.

But WE have changed and it just sort of happened one day.

I think we woke up and realised that WE have the power to stop being hurt and abused by others and THAT made the difference.

You can talk the talk and give the adivce but until the lightbulb goes off and the inner strength grows - youre at the mercy of nutters!

Scary isnt it. If your PIL are nutters. ;/