Help with MIL problem....

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

Christmas 2010 we went to the PIL a 5 hour drive away. This way my idea. Things have often been fraught between me and MIL but I was trying to please.

So we arrived to find them out. We had travelled 5 hours in a car with lots of luggage/presents a 3 and 4 year old. NIGHTMARE.

They were busy so we settled ourselves in our hotel. Hotel was necessary - as staying at theirs was too much trouble. Their words.

We let the kids run riot and burn off some energy. Much needed and then we make our way to PIL home.

Was nice. OK.

Then back to hotel to get ready for Christmas day. I decorated the soulless hotel room with a tree and stockings (for Santa to find) and more... then we went to bed.

Of course, sleep, stockings prepared and delivered and then at the usual 5.30am kids awake and of we go......

We had been told the the day before that we couldn't arrive to PIL until after 11.30am. So we made the first 6 hours in a hotel room as fun as possible with the kids.... they are still 3 and 4 years old.... It was pretty shitty really.....

We arrive at PIL and have a jolly enough time of it. We are all making an effort. Its ok. Christmas dinner is late IMO for small kids as it always is. It was 4.30pm before we ate. The boys were over it by then. One ate a bit the other didnt. The littler one was already showing worrying signs of over tiredness.

I have to say they behaved beautifully up until this point. I was very proud.

We (me and hub) ate (in a hurry) and then little one (aged 3) started shouting. I couldn't placate him and I tried every trick in the book. We eventually had to leave. Bath, bed, story etc was much needed.....

He had been up for over 12 hours and was hot tired. Something, I didnt know what, was wrong with him and I knew we had to get him to bed. Routine etc.

It was a 15 min walk to the hotel room in the snow.

We started to leave. Coat alll the rest etc.... while PIL etc were still eating cheese and drinking coffee after Crimbo dinner.

MIL came in and I was on my knees trying to get coat on 3 year old... She just kept repeating (bearing down over me) that we couldnt leave and had to stay as there were more presents to unwrap. I said that we had to go (coudnt she SEE?) and that she wouldn have to be up all night with little one?

We had to 'just leave' my boy was screaming.....

She told me that I just had to leave him to cry....? We dont do that in my house. My children are 11 months apart and when they cry - we go to them....!

We left. It was awful. Little one up all night with a fever... no calpol, no thermoter, no hotel staff just me and my hand on forehead and no sleep....

We went back Boxing Day. SCREAMING ABUSE. CHILDREN SCARED SHITLESS, SO WAS I. SCREAMING, SPITTING, OBSENITIES. Awful.

It took me six months to stop my 4 year old from asking why Daddy is a BLOODY SHIT!!!!

We had upset her because we left early. No consideration for her efforts over Christmas etc etc. FYI. Christmas dinner was reheated and not cooked. Pre preared roast potatoes (the best kind not Aunt Bessies) and all the rest pre prepared too....Not that much effort IMO.

Hub is really upset that they have behaved this way but undersatnds that this is normal behaviour for her.

I am expecect to brush under the carpet.

I was badly absused by MIL 40 hours after giving birth and cant brush this under the carpet again.

Kind of feel like we should split up.... Me and hub.

Sad. :O( Confused....

Thanks for listening. Any help/advice gratefully received. I want to leave Hub even tho I love him so I can be free of the last 18 months of hell Ive been in...... :(

x

If MIL goes tonto again. Its over.
We walk away. Quietly and with as much strengh as we can.
We both anticpiate it (MIL is terribly damaged) but we are prepared to give her one more chance.
For the sake of our marriage and DH emotional well being.
If that makes sense?
Watch this space.

She hates me and I find it hard to like her. I will do my best not to antagonise her but if she loses it and behves like taht again then we go.

HoudiniHissy got it right. He needs to give them one more chance. And Im able and ready to support him on that.

I agree with Eglu if HE wants to continue his relationship with HIS mother then that is his choice.
That does not mean you and your children need to be part of this.
Insisting he doesn't see her could put even more strain on your marriage.

Id never insist that.

But my and the boys not being a part of his family is what has been so hard for him to come to terms with.
He wants it all nice but it isnt nice.
We found a path but its taken 2.5 years!

Great to hear an update on this. I used to be Eglu.

I'm glad that you feel strong enough to try with MIL. I can understand your Dhs need to give his Mother one more chance. He has to be certain that it's not him being an awful son cutting her out.

Sadly I think it won't be that long beofre she kicks off again by th sounds of things.

Have you been completely no contact since the incident?

You need him to understand too, that when they fail, as indeed they will (although perhaps you ought to say 'if'), that you will be there for him.

He really does need Stately Homes, that and/or Toxic Parents book.

Have you had any more recorded delivery letters? Refuse them in future.

Well done the pair of you getting through this!

No contact at all in 2.5 years bar her horrid letter to me which I will refuse if she tries that again and I wrote her an email back. Just restating what actually happened not her new victim made up version.
Mr B has had the entire family pressure blackmail to behave appropriately (pretend it never happened) which he has resisted. It went down like a sack of shit.
It's been horrible living under the pressure and coming to terms but we've both sort of seen the light - so to speak. I think DH understands its not him it really is them and I feel the same way. It's too easy to blame yourself and believe others when they point the finger.
We really have done nothing wrong. His patents/family are just really really fucked up!
If it goes wrong again - there you go.
We can then try to move on easier than now and betterprepared and with tools to cope.
The way it is now doesn't work so we will try this avenue with caution!

Glad to hear your marriage survived ; sounds as though you have both worked very hard.

I think you do need to tread very carefully here - you are still subjected to blackmail and abuse, and now you have agreed to let them back in to the lives . IMO, this sends the message to MIL and the rest of their family that you will buckle as long as the pressure and blackmail is sustained and severe enough.

You might want to consider keeping yourself and the children out of the reconciliation until MIL has proved that she can be trusted not to scream abuse and threats at you.

Blimey love, big hugs! Have had MIL issues in the past too, but actually have come to realise that I shouldn't take it personally...I know this sounds a bit simplistic, but think about it like this...she would behave like this no matter who your DH was with, it's not about you at all really, her behaviour is HER responsibility, not your and not your DH's, and you are allowed to do whatever you think necessary to protect your children from anyone who has so little respect for other people's feelings, no matter who they are.

Please please try to re route how you go forward now, you can have your happy home with DH and kids, without all the grief from your in laws if you want, but you need to accept that this is how they are, they won't change, and you have every right to just crack on with your life if you can decide to let go of all the previous shit ( not easy, but if you can imagine it, all the hurt, as a bunch of balloons and just let go, visualise it all just flying away leaving you free and peaceful) then I think you can leave hubby to do what he feels he needs to do as you will also. ( by that I mean these toxic people cease to exist for you, and you have no contact and no guilt!)

Sorry if it sounds a bit happy clappy, but you are the one who has to change your thinking here, accept that they chose how they behave, and you are entitled to live a life free from toxic pointless manipulation.

You can do it! X

Sorry, x posted, just seen last page, sounds like you've done bloody well, that great, keep it up. X

Yep. matilda and inertia youre both completely right. And I agree with you both.

Having said that - I cant achieve any of what you suggest. It WILL NOT HAPPEN. This I have learned in 2.5 years. She literally will cut off her nose despite her face!

Sad isnt it.

She WILL stay the same and she WILL try to blackmail and destroy our marriage she CANNOT EVER be trusted not to scream abuse at me DH or our children. She will abuse us again and youre right matilda when we cut them off - we have been made to look petty and unreasonable and will again.

However, this time with wisdom/hindsight and the new strength DH has found and my new position of feeling I can trust him to stand up for himself (and us) - we can have another go and see what happens.

We all realistically know what will happen but this time it will be calmer and the rest of the family might be able to understand us. MIL wont be able to play the victim card to the strength she currently is.

All we have in 'our corner' is the power of 'we forgave' with one condition of it never happending again.

Despite the entire family condoning her behaviour - they do all realise (I think) that she is a fucked up bitch who has really done a number on us. Nobody will ever say that to me or DH but we believe it to be true. So if we allow her back in our lives on those terms then we have the upper hand?? What do you think?

hoof - I would and I could do that. But I cant becuase DH is so sad that he has lost his entire family on the back of this. He is totally ostracised. Thats something I could cope with ... now after 2.5 years of grief but HE cant. So for his sake - I have to do this one more time.... Do you see?

hoof youre right. totally right. MIL is vile to her MIL (really really vile) and vile to her brothers sister and her husbands sister. OF COURSE she is going to be vile to me. Took me YEARS to figure this out. Years! :)

I'm glad you've sorted things with DH, but please never let MIL back into your lives....... it will start all over again.

I have a MIL like yours (probably worse - counsellor said MIL more than a narc). My MIL has literally destroyed our lives. THe abuse that she subjected my children to was utterly horrific - no one will act as they need "hard evidence". DS in therapy.

I have spent 3 years fighting on behalf of DS with DH wavering between denial and acceptance and 18 months fighting for help for DD. (With no help from DH - whilst he believed it was his mother and he wanted me to report her and get help from various sources, but at no time helped me.) Save to say I am now seen by these people as loony mum who doesn't like her MIL.

My DH gets the texts/e-mails from various family sources (and others we don't even know) saying PIL might die and not see us. After horrendous text of last week, DH has finally and completely accepted MIL's NPD/narc sociopath and is now seeking therapy. But I'm so angry.

Even after finding out what had happened we resumed contact (she had cancer supposedly - but doubt this for a number of reasons that I won't go into). We felt duty bound and who wouldn't visit someone going through this, but others have been told that we never visited, that I never called etc (all lies).

Brushing under the carpet merely reinforces that she's won - she hasn't had to apologise (not that she would she's rewritten the event in her head and others so that it's your fault).

For your sake, your dh's and your DC stay well away - the games will start again.

Yes I feel sorry for your DH immensely as I do mine and to write off his family must be an incredibly hard thing to do. Keep refreshing him with the stately homes thread and other sources of literature on NPD. For my DH it's not cutting off MIL that he's upset about but rather BIL and FIL. However, they are so controlled by her and collude in her actions that they will never see DH without her. DH has finally agreed to see someone, but for me I'm not sure whether it's too late for "us". I feel completely let down as I have fought for DC, not been supported and now have a loony mum tag. I can't change this and I will never get over what happened to DC.

Hugs.

Won't go into it but my MIL and SIL are these kinds of people and I'm only 24 so I have many years of gritting my teeth left. Luckily I am relentless and confident enough to tell them when I don't agree. Just remember you married your husband not your MIL.

My best advice is to sit down with your husband and explain the negative effect his parents' behaviour is having on you and the children and the consequence that it could have if things do not switch up.

Your husband is probably just doing his best to avoid conflict after all she is his mother and you are his partner and it is a very awkward position for a man but he must understand that he has committed to you and the children and his mother needs to take a step back, or you and him must take a step back as a family unit but please just talk to him, with no other distractions, just you and him. Talking can solve so much. Make it clear that if he wants to see her, he goes alone.

Ps: ignore the whole "poor me I am the victim" from MIL. It's a cheap tactic that some desperate people are known to use and is quite frankly just pathetic. YOU decide when (or if) you make contact with her. It's YOUR choice not hers. Don't let her dictate to you. Stand up for your family, it's difficult at first but once you've done it you will feel empowered. Don't let her get her foot in the door as such.

I love to when people let us know what has happened! I remember your thread.

Sadly she will do something again. Please keep your children away from her. She sounds awful and will affect them.

Good look and let us know!

OP - maybe our respective DH's should chat!!!!!

I cant.

We (DH) has to give her one more chance.

I will be vigilant.

utterly - exactly the same. EXACTLY. You poor thing. I can belive how your DH behaviour. Mine was the same. Exactly the same. God. Do you live near me? We should hug!

But my DH has had therapy for past 2 years and is not in denial any more. He gets it now and has taken this long to come to terms with it all.
My DH just like yours feels nothing for his mother but loves his father and misses him. Despite knowing and understanding that his Father emotially blackmails him (weve had the death threats from SIL and FIL and MIL too) and condones MIL behaviour by never standing up to her. MIL makes FIL life a living hell if he says anything to support DH. FIL has made it clear that he will reject DH and grandchildren if DH doesnt allow MIL back in our lives.

Still. Having said all that. DH GETS IT. He has spent this long coming to terms with the fuckuppery of it all and still for the sake of realtionship with his father - wants to give it one more try.

I will support that. One whiff of abuse from PIL and we are all out the door.

Do you all think Im mad?

I think you need to protect your children - regardless of whether you believe the death threats to be serious, it'd be a terrifying thing for children to hear. And I do understand where your DH is coming from about not wanting to be ostracised by the rest of his family- but to be honest I really don't agree that his right to be accepted by a bunch of abusers (because that's what they are if SIl and FIL are making death threats too) trumps the need for his children to be protected.

Did it not occur to DH that one of the reasons (alongside therapy) that you've managed to make things work over the last couple of years is because you've had no contact with his family?

Over and over again his family have proved that they will abuse you, and that they will never change. So you give them once last chance, and they threaten you, and terrify the DCs - and you'll still be in exactly the position you are now, where there's no contact because they refuse to behave like rational human beings. Doesn't matter whether everyone else thinks you're justified in cutting contact- they clearly never will think you are justified, so why put yourselves through the charade and risk unsettling the children?

If I've understood correctly, you're doing this because DH feels that he has to have one last chance at salvaging the relationship. The problem is that this isn't just a question of affecting how he copes- there are ramifications and consequences for you and the DC too.

Death threats meaning that FIL could die and it would be our fault because of all the stress we are casuing him.
Good point inertia about us doing so well because they are not in our world. Bloody good point.

What a mess.
They wont change.

I dont know what to do.
If we dont do anything. We carry on living under the stress of them thinking we are shits and telling us so for the rest of their lives.
Its not a comfortable place to be.

DH misses his father and wants our DCs to have a relationship with him.
FIL has made it clear he wont have nothing to do with any of us DH included unless we allow MIL back.
Total blackmail.
Im so confused.

I just don't see what you as a family can hope to gain. Because there will always be something else that MIL goes nuclear over, and they will all take her side. And you'll always, always be treading on eggshells.

"If we don't do anything. We carry on living under the stress of them thinking we are shits and telling us so for the rest of their lives."

And if you instigate more contact with them they'll just have more opportunities to tell you this. It won't make them think any differently about you. They'll still blame you for everything- probably more so because their perception will be that you can't or won't stand up for yourselves as a family unit, that you're pushovers and they'll just push more grief your way because it's worked so well already in getting you to do what they want.

DH wants a happy family. His family will never be the loving caring support he hopes for. He can never bend enough to accommodate them- the stress will just break him.

But the two of you have the opportunity to start a new chapter in family life. You are the mother and the father. You can make your own family the way you want it to be.

Why does your DH want a relationship with his father? His father stands by and watches him being abused and does nothing to stop his mental suffering, and he'll do the same to your kids.

Has your DH worked out what it is htat makes him want a relationship here? It suggests that he still has a need to see his abuser - although in a watered down version - so he really needs to continue the therapy.
FIL seems to revolve around placating MIL - to that end, he is no father, he is the sidekick of a total bully and he won't ever be a decent father, or even person, as he just takes instructions from the head bully. Your MIL is the head bully in a gang, your FIL is her second in command, who joins in the bullying in order to avoid being the victim and the rest of the family fall into line due to fear - and not wanting to be the victim.

Your DH must stop being their victim- he is an easy target. If you cut them out they will simply move to another victim, and as long as your DH remains in contact HE is the easy easy easy target for MIL. I bet FIL is just wanting your DH to be the victim so he isn't. The power dynamics of such a bullying gang are very complex and keeping your victim on a string is the option they will go for over all others - grooming a new victim could take years.

Your DH must somehow realise his father is just as bad as his mother - he just isn't in charge of the gang, but he makes sure it runs fine.

"FIL has made it clear that he will reject DH and grandchildren if DH doesnt allow MIL back in our lives."

Don't let them back in-they are as bad as each other!

Glad for the update, I posted on the original thread. I understand your husband feels he needs to do this, unfortunately from what you have said it all sounds doomed. I doubt you all make it through the first meeting as feelings will be running so high and sounds like your MIL just can't help herself and with all the lack mail and ultimatums, nothing has changed. Sooner she goes batshit the better TBH, then you can withdraw and enjoy your life again.