by saying that my ex cannot introduce our daughter to his new gf the week before i get married?

[Rachloui]

I'm sure she's very nice, but i just think it isn't fair on us to do this right now. Arsehole

You getting married will surely be a far bigger adjustment for your dd than meeting her Dad's partner (whom I assume she already knows about?)
Maybe you should just continue doing what you think is best for your dd and trust her father to do the same? He has exactly the same rights as you.

BOTH of you need to take your DD's feelings into consideration.

If your DD genuinely feels that she doesn't want to see him, given what you have said about his absence in the past and intermittent parenting etc, then as far as I'm concerned, she shouldn't have to.

If he really can't see his DD without his new girlfriend, then he's the one with the problem, not your DD.

You sound amiable enough to me, including the GF might be an idea. Does she even want to meet your DD ? Is she comfortable meeting her, does she feel the time is right ? Sounds like the only feelings your ex takes into consideration are his own.

The timing wouldn't be a problem if everyone stopped treating this like it's a massive event.

She's meeting her Dad's GF....that is all.

So... Ok for you to get married, but not ok for your dds father to introduce her to his gf... YABU

MrsDeeBee one of his ex's didn't even ant to meet her (wasn't ready she said when we met at a later date), but he had dd in the car and 'surprised' his gf after work. this resulted in huge row in front of dd where his then gf hit him.
I think his current gf does want to meet her & I don't blame her. If you're in a relationship with a after, you'll want to meet the dd before you get too far in no? Like I said, i just think the timing is inconsiderate towards our dd and yes towards my dp and I.

What's wrong with the following week, just out of courtesy? Or to give dd time to get her head round it?

left in her care (without my permission)

Do you ask your Exs permission every time you leave your daughter with someone? Sorry but you do seem very controlling.

Just step back, This has nothing to do with you unless you believe your daughter is in danger.

Rachloui, you made the classic newbie error of posting in "Am I being unreasonable." if you repost in the Relationships threads (

From what you have said, I would go by what your DD's wishes are, and when you speak to your ex, ask him to respect her wishes.

She should not be forced to see or meet anyone if she doesn't want to.

Good Luck ! And congrats on Wedding !

I see nothing wrong with the posts here OldLady. No one has been rude or offensive.

i agree with mrsbeedee. your dd should be the one who get sto say when she meets the new Gf and if she isn't ready then she shouldn't be forced.

PurpleRomanesco That does sound like a nasty thing to say i know. In context the doc asked who was looking after her and I had to point to this woman whom I had never met, who's name I didn't know. He looked at me like a bad Mother and saying her Father left dd with her didn't change the look on docs face or how much of a shit Mum i felt at that moment

Thanks OldLadyKnowsNothing ; I think i probably should've explained myself better at the very beginning. Lesson learnt

Well you were not a shit mum, Any doctor who would think that is clearly an arse.

Honestly, Just let her dad handle this. Choose your battles and enjoy you wedding!

PurpleRomanesco lol. Thank you we will. x

aibu is like a baptism of fire for a new MNer . it takes time to learn how to post so you wont be shot down in flames. (things like giving all the info in the first post so people know what they are responding to). most posters dont know if an OP is a first time poster (unless the say so in the OP) so you get the same treatment that a regular would get for posting the same. i hope you haven't been scared off. MN in general is a great place, AIBU can be a bit snarly at times, but i get a lot out of MN and i found it worthwhile to stick around.

Purple, I'm not saying anyone has been rude or offensive, but it's still a bit of a harsh introduction to MN!

No offense meant. Op knows now anyway.

I know that nothing can really stop this thread now but..... Its my first mumsnet post; probably in the wrong category, probably with too aggressive a title and probably with too little information at the beginning.

I feel quite confident now that I have spoken to dd's father about my own and dd's concerns, which essentially stem from past experiences with his ex go's and the proximity of the wedding is simply heightening my sensitivity it would seem.
My priority in all things at all times is my little girl and i am lucky enough that dp shares my priorities. She has the right to both of her parents and to her own mind and I hold her rights far more highly than mine or her father's.
Thank you for the advice, support and reality checks. i cannot control all things lol.

FWIW OP i think you have handled this thread and the responses you got really well. i've known many a first time poster defend and defend to the hilt their UR behaviour and then flounce out squealing about how mean and nasty we all are in our nest of vipers.

I wasn't offended!

I did however wonder for a second if AIBU has altered my judgement on what is rude or not. I have no doubt it has. :o

You're alright, Rachloui - and it's good 'ere, honest

Op, I can see that YOU feel stressed in the run up to a wedding...but can't see why your DD should be.

I can see that you resent not having complete control over what happens to your DD...but 3 GFs in 5 years is not IMO that big a deal...it would seem that the person making it a big deal is you. Why even ask DD if she wants to meet her Dad's GF? I don't ask my DC before I have friends round, or before I decorate or before I look for a new job. I tell them it's happening, but I don't put them in the position of making adult decisions...vbecause they are children.

Your Ex doesn't have to ask your permission, or even tell you, when he leaves D with someone. If you were embarassed, that's your issue, not DD's and not ex's. Perhaps the doctor was thinking you were being quite rude to 'the chavvy' woman by pointing at her? Perhaps you could have just said 'I guess you're a friend of her Dads', rather than making it all about you. Out of interest, do you let ex know the name of every person you leave DD with? Would he know them if he got called to the hospital in the event of an emergency? (not that he would of course, because I'm sure your DP is 2nd emergency contact for DD)

And if you believe that DD believes that her Dad and your DP are friends, then you are deluded, especially if she's as sensitive as her mother as you suggest.

Blimey. What a fuss. Is your daughter really happy with your choice OP? Sounds like you're sort of nervous for the wrong reasons. Because if she is, it will be a beautiful day and as you say he's not in her life much so why would she care about being introduced to another girlfriend?

Iamboyhoo - I would have thought that in the context of the thread (i.e a birth mum posting about her pratty ex introducing his girlfriend to his child without clear regard for his daughters feelings) - then my reference to it as a cardinal sin on MN would be clear ? Sorry if I wasn't clear enough - my specific gripe IS in relation to pratty exs who prioritise the latest girlfriend above the needs of the children - and when birth mums post for support in relation to that, they are more often than not told that it is none of their business.

Am glad you're ok OP - it's bloody hard work juggling split separate parenting.

Ballstoit I think you're taking my description of the hospital situation too literally. Of course i didn't silently point at her! my daughter was injured and I was eventually left with her at hosp and struggled a little
Also as I've said in previous posts, I didn't ask her anything about meeting gf and it was my dd who raised her own concerns.

Ex has had numerous 'gfs over the years but these are the incidents that have caused her worries. i am sensitive, so is she, i won't deny that. But I DO have her interests at heart.

I'm not perfect by any means and don't expect dd'f father to be...i just wished he thought things through a bit more.

Please see my earlier post. I made a few mistakes with the nature of my post as its my first time :-S

I get why you're concerned - he has form for bad judgements which have upset your dd in the past.

However. If that's the way it is, the BEST thing you could do for your dd is to try and make these times where he 'asks' a lot of her, easier for her. One of the best ways to do that would actually be to NOT react like this.

For example, the fact that you're focusing on the wedding and calling him an 'arsehole' for wanting to introduce his gf right then, is really not helpful! Your dd is going to pick up on that attitude - and it won't be long before she's a resentful little girl thinking 'arsehole!' about her own dad. Arsehole he may indeed be, but it's bad for her little mind to have to think that. Don't help her be that angry teen that doesn't respect her parent. It'll rebound on you too...

You don't have the power to dictate what he does (and nor should you) but you DO have the power to give your dd a nice strong, reasonable, laid back example to follow, which could really help her to frame her dad's actions in a positive light and thus feel better HERSELF about her relationship with him. You say she's anxious herself about the meeting? You could have chosen to comment that you're very happy that dad has a nice girlfriend at the moment, especially as we're all so happy because of the wedding coming up. Isn't it nice that Dad has someone to go out and have a nice time with too? You're meeting her this weekend? Oh that's handy, you can talk to her about the wedding. Sometimes it's hard to find things to talk about with a new person, but you can tell her about your dress and what the party will be like!

So - you see? Instead of communicating to your DD (even if you don't say it out loud) that this is all bad and stressful, you smile and say, great, that's nice, meeting new people is a good thing. You describe them as dad's girlfriend or friend and make it clear that these people aren't the equivalent of her stepdad, it's different, dad's CHOICE is to not have one special person that he stays with, but to spend time with people more as friends who go out and do things but might then decide to move on. Just like your DD sometimes does with her friends.

I really admire the way you've taken criticism on this thread and so I hope what I've said here will be helpful, I really think you could lead the way here on helping your DD take her dad in her stride a bit more as she gets older. After all - he's probably not going to change!

Good luck for your wedding!!!