by saying that my ex cannot introduce our daughter to his new gf the week before i get married?

[Rachloui]

I'm sure she's very nice, but i just think it isn't fair on us to do this right now. Arsehole

I was worried that i was 'projecting', but then no, I don't think i am. I know women say it all the time and some don't mean it but I do; i want this to work out for him. I really do. I'm glad its lasted as long as it has and fully expected this lady to be playing a part in dd life at some point soon. Have prepared myself for the jealous that might set in with another female figure in her life but as yet that doesn't bother me (I'm sure it will :-S).
She's starting to begrudge spending tie with him full stop, so I can't see her 'playing us off' against each other. Honestly I don't see what good having us at each others throats would do her?

OP you have commited the cardinal MN sin of being a birth mother who is concerned about the effect actions of a pratty ex on your little girl.
Don't you know that it's nothing to do with you that he introduces a string of women to your child, some of whom are (shock horror) not very nice

At 9 years old, the wedding WILL be emotional for her and there is absolutely no reason why her dads latest squeeze can't stay on the back burner until after it's over. She may sound nice, but she may not BE nice and why risk having your little girl upset when it's really not nessecary. After the wedding, if she's still around, she can meet her, hopefully like her and alls well.

Hope he shows a little sensitivity and that you and your daughter have a lovely day at your wedding

MrsDeeBee thank you. i suppose I know I have no control and it kills me to see her hurt and let down so much. I can't tell him that she doesn't want it as I remise you he will tell her all about how upset that made him etc etc. i'd rather he be cross with me than disappointed with her.

I ASKED him to wait a couple of weeks to introduce. This is the first time I have started a thread and I will certainly choose my OP words more carefully in the future.

Sassy

Op might be marrying a not
Very nice man (not saying its true btw) but can you image
If the ex had tried to say 'no sorry you can't Introduce them til I say so' and the conveniently the daughter said the same?

I would be

Sassybeast Really thank you. All the things people have said about me being a control freak, i have worried that I was. I think I just wanted to lash out at all the times he's hurt her and get a little bit of back up in response. i know not everyone agrees with everyone all the time and probably could've worded my OP and first message better.

Rachloui, I have to confess I'm a bit confused. On the one hand you say he is hardly part of her life & then on the other, that your DD doesn't want to spend any time with him.

It sounds to me like there are lots of unresolved issues going on here & different bits keep being thrown in & it is hard to know what the actual issue is. Is it the timing - or is it the previous bad experiences?

How serious was the hospital issue? Was it because of your Ex? So many bits of information being lobbed in.

I care passionately about my DCs. Their father (my ex-H), winds me up no end - however, I do think it is very important that the DCs have a relationship with him. He is their Dad regardless of the fact I think he is a tosser. I really, really don't think a brief introduction to a GF on Easter Sunday is a big deal - but I think there may be many, many more unresolved issues that underly this.

Kayano that is true, but Im not saying never, i'm just saying, be tactful. And we discussed dd introduction to dp beforehand so that dd wouldn't feel torn (we hoped) between two male figures. She thinks they're mates

actually sassy from what i have seen on MN birth mothers who try to protect their dcs from pratty ex's get alot of support here. i have never noticed a trend such as you describe,ie making out it is a cardinal sin.

I am a birth mother.

I have a prat ex.

I also have a partner who I will (I hope) at some point be introducing to my DC's as my partner.

When I do that and how I do it has absolutely fuck all squared to do with my ex and if he in any way shape or form tried to dictate when, how, or say "cannot" to me over it I would be very angry indeed.

OMG, your DD thinks that your current partner & your ex are mates? Seriously? Why would you tell her that? Why are you lying?

DCs can have a perfectly good relationship with various adults, without having to be torn. My two get on fine with their step-mum - they've known her for 6 years now - but they certainly aren't labouring under any illusion that I am her friend!

Likewise I've never introduced a significant partner, as their father's mate. I think you need to tell as few lies as possible to children & that is a lie I cannot see the point in.

Rachloui

Look, only you truly know, deep down if you are projecting. Just a reminder...the person who will be most damaged by that will be your DD. And it does, and will backfire.

To be honest at 9 I think your DD has a right to choose if she wants to see her Dad or not. If he is 'projecting' onto her by saying that her not wanting to meet his latest girlfriend upsets him then that's wrong !

It is not fair for your DD to feel that her Dad is disappointed in her for not wanting to meet someone. Is there no way you could have him round so that the three of you could talk about it ? That way, you get to see how he interacts and responds to what she would like ? At least then you can see how he reacts and what is said ?

I agree with Booy. If she had of came here saying that she was worried about her daughter meeting exs new partners as there have been some problems in the past I would imagine the responses would have been much different.

Instead the focus was on her wedding and what she wants.

PostBellumBugsy You're probably right.

Ex was a regular cheat and absentee father and partner til 4 yo when i left him.
Rarely around until i met dp, then suddenly appeared again.
we discussed introduction of dp beforehand to try and avoid issues.
over the years the two meetings have happened: one when i was on my first ever holiday away from dp. (3days) where she was introduced to his ng and for reasons unknown, deduced that this was my replacement and I wasn't coming home.- never got to the bottom of that.
2nd introduction happened. First i hear is that she's been injured while left in her care (without my permission): a fall apparently. No broken bones, thankfully but very unhappy in A&E and a rather chavvy woman .
After that I ASKED that he be more cautious with dd feelings and fears. I OFFERED to talk to her before an introduction so that things might go smoothly ( tell her how nice the lady is, that she must be nervous & excited to meet dd too, etc)
So when she comes home a little upset because she will be meeting another one of daddys gf on easter sat, 1 week before wedding, Im worried.
i told her it was exciting, she didn't thinks so.
i ASKED him to reconsider the timing so that she can just enjoy being so special this week 9which she really is) and then new gf can be the big event next week.
that is the short version, which i probably should've spelt out at the beginning.

So the GF was a chav and he didn't ask your permission for her to look after DD

You do know he doesn't need your permission.

And you come across as incredibly controlling and judgy.

I'm out.

Buthathor - if your ex was getting married on Tuesday, would you even contemplate introducing your kids to your new parther a few days before ? I bet you wouldn't - because you'd be thinking about the effect that all of it would have on your kids. Just as the OP is doing.
And if she was saying he couldn't introduce her, then sure - flame away. But she's not saying that at all. She's asking for a bit of consideration of her childs feelings - with good reason given the history.

Iamboyhoo - I think you'd struggle to find a single MN thread where a birth mum has posted with concerns about exs/new partners and issues around that and isn't told by at least a few posters, that it's none of her business/not her concern/stop being a cotrol freak etc. But am happy to be proved wrong by anyone who is better at searching than me

She said in her OP that it wasn't fair.

She didn't say all the flaky ex stuff til she had a chorus of YABU

I'm done.

hathorinareddress i think you come across a little aggressive. Frankly my daughters wellbeing comes before mine and her father's feelings and rights as parents

hathorinareddress This is my first post on mumsnet after lots of recommendations from friends as a forum for advice and support. my apologies to everyone (and I don't mean that in a sarcastic way) i genuinely didn't think (stupidly) that the back story should've been written at the beginning.

A meeting with a GF on Easter Sunday is not a big event though Rachloui & if your DD isn't excited about it, then you don't have to try and make her.
When your DD is with her Dad you have to accept that he may make arrangements that you don't like. He doesn't have to ask your permission to leave his DD with someone else. I know that is a hard pill to swallow, but that is the way it goes.
You sound very over-anxious.

Just thinking, is it at all possible that your ex thinks that your daughter is finding the upcoming wedding a bit all consuming and he considers this introduction to be a bit of a distraction for her?

As I said up thread, it might not be such a bad thing that other things are happening in her life other than your wedding.

Rachloui

You just said it. Frankly my daughters wellbeing comes before mine and her father's feelings and rights as parents.

And the answer is ?

Bloody hell this is bonkers.

Why are the adults in your DD's life making such a massive event of this?

She's meeting her Dad's new girlfriend...not the bloody Queen!

A trip to McDonalds or a couple of hours over the park could have solved all this and if everyone wasn't making such a big deal of it, I'm sure your DD wouldn't worry either.

"OP you have commited the cardinal MN sin of being a birth mother who is concerned about the effect actions of a pratty ex on your little girl."

this is the comment i was responding to.

"actually sassy from what i have seen on MN birth mothers who try to protect their dcs from pratty ex's get alot of support here. i have never noticed a trend such as you describe,ie making out it is a cardinal sin."

this is what i responded.

if you had meant OP's posting about their ex's introducing new partners then you should have said that. i didn't mention ex's introducing new partners because it wasn't what you said in your comment.

PostBellumBugsy I do understand and even agree and obviously i'll be there to pick up the pieces if things go badly etc. i just wish that she didn't have to go through things in the first place. I genuinely even feel bad for his new gf that she might get a tough time from dd after the last two!!
I am over anxious lol, but that's my nature and i do fight against it.

OhChristHasRisenFENTON That would be amazing if it were the case but honestly if i thought he was that much of a thinker I wouldn't even be worried! lol.

MrsDeeBee You're right! I've asked him to reconsider, I've told dd i will speak to him about her worries; I can't do much else until her gets back to me with his thoughts. Also, hopefully he will talk to new GF and she might offer another perspective on it all.

WorraLiberty You are right i know that, its just the timing. Its days away and everything is so heightened i suppose.