to not want to speak to MIL

[witheringcathy]

Hello, this is the first time I have posted but I need your advice please.

I have a 3 month old DS. Whenever we go and visit MIL she takes over with DS, expects that when we are out she will push pram, if he needs fed she will do it, if he cries she jumps up to see him etc. She has lifted him out of DHs arms before then parades around the living room with DS, passes him about to FIL and SIL then takes him away from them after a few minutes. Twice she has lifted DS straight out of SIL?s arms even when I told her to leave it. The last time we were there DH asked for DS back as he was getting grizzly and she refused ! Said no you get him all the time I only see him now. After this last time I was really angry and told DH my feelings, he said he would speak to her about it (was worried a bit as DH sometimes not very tactful) After he spoke to her he came back and said she didn?t realise she had done anything wrong and was upset. He wishes he had never said anything . We have seen her since and she didn?t do what she usually does which was good.

However, DH went to visit her yesterday and came back saying I need to sort this out, it will affect mine and MILs relationship if I don?t and he wants me to go tonight and speak to her about it. Truth is I just don?t know what to say -I feel as though it has been said, she needs to deal with it and adjust her behaviour. I told DH this and he said think of something to say you are not stupid ! I am quite angry and know he texted her to say we are coming round but I really have nothing to say about it.

Also when DS first born and during pregnancy (1 week old) DH had issues with my DM, he thought she was ignoring him and visiting too often, so I spoke to her. He didn?t speak to her at all about it and she was hurt at the time so why should I ? Also MIL is jealous of relationship with me, DS and my DM.

AIBU ?

Absolutely NOT a good idea, no. That puts you in the wrong (for not going to) and gives the idea that she can have complete dibs on the baby, with your dh's blessing, once you are out of the way (with your unreasonable ideas!)
You MUST stick together as a unit on this one, or you're lost. For the time being, it should be business as usual, in that you all go or none of you does. Just until this one's sorted out/settled down.

And that's the mark of a nice man. I think he just needs to realise that by implying he agrees with her, to stop her being upset, is not going to help, long term. You two need to present a united front - not give the impression that you are laying down the law, like an evil dil and he is mildly going along with it, but secretly agrees with his mum.

It's a shame you don't know exactly what was said.

IO asked him and he said just what we were talking about so not much to go on. I like what you said tho karmabeliever I will copy that :)

In my experience it's never unreasonable to not want to speak to MIL! . It sounds like she is being rather overbearing but yo should really try to talk her about it. Explain that you want her to have a good relationship with you and your child(ren), but that at the moment you feel like she is trying to take over at times and ask her to respect what you say when you say it. If its easier write it down, explain that you've done so because there is less chance of being misunderstood than when you are ad libbing.

Karma is right.

I have little issues with my MIL sometimes and my dh is the same as yours, he hates upsetting his Mum. Sadly though sometimes, usually because of demands she is making, he either ends up with a choice of upsetting her or upsetting me. Where the inevitable outcome is that one or the other of us will definitely be upset, DH has finally realised that its her that he has to upset, not me. It's in everyone's best interests really.

Its wierd though, because if my Mum was being unreasonable, I wouldnt even have to think about whether I upset my Mum or my dh. Dh comes first and it's really that simple, but men don't see it like that when it comes to upsetting women.

I too wouldn't like the idea of DH going round with DS, as that is probably exactly what your MIL wants.

I understand that it will be difficult for your DH to talk to his mum and doesn't want to upset her. My DH just couldn't bring himself to have a chat with his mum about her behaviour as he did not want to upset her, even though it reduced me to tears. We got to the point that everytime he spoke to her on the phone, she would criticise me, he wouldn't say anything, he got off the phone, we would row. I felt that by not saying anything he was obviously agreeing with her, whereas in fact he just couldn't face upsetting her. However, after about 2 years she started criticising his parenting skills too . He would come off the phone fuming but still wouldn't have a proper talk to her about how upsetting some of her comments can be. However, he sometimes comes out with some really untactful comment, which I am sure is more hurtful than having a proper chat iyswim.

MIL has also picked up, particularly when DS was younger, that the other grandparents had a better relationship with us, but as DH had not spoken to her she didn't know why, which again must have been very hurtful for her (somehow she is oblivious to how unacceptable some of her behaviour is).

Therefore, it is important that you get this sorted as soon as possible. Is it possible for MIL to come round for dinner, so that hopefully you can both have a gentle chat with her?

Agree with all above, think you've had some good advice.

Wrt your DH's feelings, be brutally honest and make the point that, as you both agree that you aren't happy and tensions aren't going to resolve themselves, and that essentially there are two approaches:

1. You tread on eggshells for fear of upsetting her. She carries on steamrollering. You grow, over time, to HATE her. Your relationship goes down the pan and your family ends up less close to her family than you might otherwise have been. Ten years and maybe one or more babies hence, there's no chance that your family would e.g. choose to all go away for a weekend together, or spend days out together, duty is the glue binding you all.

1. You and your DH bite the bullet and make it clear that she's upsetting you, and why, and crucially, that it's not just you, it's HIM too (so it's NOT just 'you' and 'your personality' that's at fault). You make it clear that if you are going to be a close and loving family, she has to start respecting your primacy as parents, and step back into a granny's role. She isn't your children's extra parent. If she doesn't get a handle on this and get to grips with the fact that the baby is YOUR responsibility, it's going to put the childcare plan in jeopardy, because no way will harmony be achieved if she genuinely believes she should ever overrule a parent's wishes with their child. She gets upset and angry, naturally, but you keep repeating the message and stressing that you are telling her this BECAUSE YOU LOVE HER AND DON'T WANT TO FALL OUT WITH HER (subtext: but you will if you have to, this is YOUR child and you won't be backing down). MIL comes to terms with it and gradually learns to be a granny, starts enjoying being a granny - and

ten years and maybe one or more babies hence, you might very well all choose to all go away for a weekend together, or spend days out together, love is the glue binding you all.

It makes sense to upset her now by making your very fair points, rather than stew until you lose it and treat her unfairly. Make your DH see that and see that he can help this process, by sticking firm with you, or he can hinder and draw it out by sitting on the fence.

nice post doctor

We have now got to the point where we invite MIL to come on holiday with us. It is not an absolute joy but it is certainly not just down to duty

YANBU op, and I also think its not a good idea for your DH to take the baby round there without you. I think this can be easily sorted out, and the way you want to sort it out sounds like a really good plan, if you go along with your DH's idea it will lead to more problems and possibly a huge bust up that could so easily be avoided

I also think that nipping these things in the bud is best all round, best for you -and after all it won't do your baby any favours if you are upset and stressed out all the time, but also best for your mil. If you start to resent her you could be building up years of drama and animosity, and a big falling out is going to mean she misses out as well

When I had my first dc I was quite young and I think that seemed like a greenlight for mum to try and take over. It started with little things but then built up from there, the best thing that ever happened in our relationship was me putting my foot down and putting an end to it. Since that day (and believe me it wasn't easy) things have been so much better for everybody, as I've gone on to have more children my mum has been supportive and has backed off, and that in turn has lead me to ask for advice and help more, we are all so close now and she even comes on family holidays with us

I also don't like the implication that just because your children have living grandparents you should just put up with anything they do. My dad died before my last child was born, and I would love more than anything for him to still be here, but I don't think that anyone who still has a dad should just shut up and put up. And yes the grandparents won't be around for ever, but nor will anyone and none of us know what the future holds. That's all the more reason to surround yourself and your children with happiness and try and find a way to deal with problems before they get too big

X posted with doctor who said what I wanted to but far far better

Some really good advice here. And I agree that it's a bad idea for your DH to go round with DS on his own.

I'd get him to say that baby has been playing up today but if she'd like to come to your house (I know it's not ideal but it's better you being there and on your turf!) for an HOUR to see him, then she's welcome.

I know men don't like to upset their mums, but you have to stick together as a family on this one.

I hate to say it - but cry to your DH if you need to. Jee - this would have had me in floods of tears at 3 months!

x

thanks everybody, I'll speak to him later x

Yabu and so are a lot of other people on this thread. Are you really so insecure about being a mum that you can't bear letting a close family member enjoy their own special time with your son? I am happy to get help from my MIL and others, and I love seeing my children develop these bonds.

Whatever your DH might say to her it sounds pretty clear he is on your side, as he should be. She knows she will never have the same role in your family as your own mum so why do you need to somehow "put her in her place"?

I am always perplexed by these threads about MILs - just remember it will be you one day, and that your son will not be putting you first either. Let her have her cuddles, it doesn't mean she is in charge.

Sometimes I think 'my evil MIL ripped my child out of my arms' means she just wanted a cuddle.

I agree with every thing chandellina said .

but why do some MILs have to take a baby out of someone else's arms when they are having a cuddle?

My MIL expressly tells us she thinks she should be in charge of the way we bring up our DS, it is not something I am simply imagining, and she tells us that she is really hurt that we don't do everything she tells us. She tells us that is what her parents used to do and so she should be in that role now with our DS and when we are grandparents then it will be our turn to be in charge [hmn]

Surely MIL like that does need to be "put in her place", or have I got the role of parents completely wrong?

I consider myself very lucky that my MIL doesn't meddle or give bossy advice, but even if they do I still think there are ways to keep the peace without being so confrontational and hurting feelings. I also think there should be an inherent respect for parents, unless they are abusers or something. I know I will want a little respect and generosity of spirit toward me when I am in that position.

Well, there you are then chandellina. You've never been in this position because you have a mil who doesn't meddle or boss, so naturally, you feel inclined to be respectful of her and able to get along.

Unfortunately, lots of people get the other kind of mil.

I have had a hard time with overbearing ILs since baby arrived. I got on well with them before, but once I was pregnant, things changed.
10 months on, I'm glad to say things are vastly improved. For instance they listen to me now about safety issues. At Christmas time MIL settled herself down with a scalding hot tea and my wriggly baby, then got very offended when I asked her not to drink the hot tea while holding the baby. She now knows not to do that, thank goodness. That's just one example - I won't bore you with the others.
The point is that they now take my wishes into consideration and have stopped being so domineering. I stood my ground and my husband was supportive, even though he's a bit scared of his parents.
You have to set ground-rules now, or else you'll be feeling like this for years to come.

I have seen my mother struggle though with being MIL and treated as a second class citizen. I am all for ground rules but cut some slack too

Hi chandellina
That sounds like very sensible advice.

I think cutting the mil some slack is great advice, as long as it extends both ways. I don't think either party should be the one doing all the compromising, especially not a vulnerable new mother

Also very sensible! People forget how delicate new mums can be - I know my ILs did.

What will happen when she looks after your DS for the two days a week - will she do things her way or yours......

I'll wait and see what happens with that amothersplaceisinthewrong but I think she will listen.

Also - DH not going over there with DS tonight on his own, going to leave it over the weekend to settle

Thanks everyone for the advice, really helped me put my mind at rest x