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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to speak to MIL

149 replies

witheringcathy · 05/04/2012 08:36

Hello, this is the first time I have posted but I need your advice please.

I have a 3 month old DS. Whenever we go and visit MIL she takes over with DS, expects that when we are out she will push pram, if he needs fed she will do it, if he cries she jumps up to see him etc. She has lifted him out of DHs arms before then parades around the living room with DS, passes him about to FIL and SIL then takes him away from them after a few minutes. Twice she has lifted DS straight out of SIL?s arms even when I told her to leave it. The last time we were there DH asked for DS back as he was getting grizzly and she refused ! Said no you get him all the time I only see him now. After this last time I was really angry and told DH my feelings, he said he would speak to her about it (was worried a bit as DH sometimes not very tactful) After he spoke to her he came back and said she didn?t realise she had done anything wrong and was upset. He wishes he had never said anything . We have seen her since and she didn?t do what she usually does which was good.

However, DH went to visit her yesterday and came back saying I need to sort this out, it will affect mine and MILs relationship if I don?t and he wants me to go tonight and speak to her about it. Truth is I just don?t know what to say -I feel as though it has been said, she needs to deal with it and adjust her behaviour. I told DH this and he said think of something to say you are not stupid ! I am quite angry and know he texted her to say we are coming round but I really have nothing to say about it.

Also when DS first born and during pregnancy (1 week old) DH had issues with my DM, he thought she was ignoring him and visiting too often, so I spoke to her. He didn?t speak to her at all about it and she was hurt at the time so why should I ? Also MIL is jealous of relationship with me, DS and my DM.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
pictish · 05/04/2012 10:40

Your mil is bu. I hated ANYONE taking my dc when little. If my mil had refused, I'd have simply gone over and taken the baby away, gone back and punched her.

Ok then. Hmm

MrFunnytheEasterBunny · 05/04/2012 10:40

Don't say you are sorry, tell her how you feel, and that you want her to be a huge part of your baby's life, but she needs to takes step back. You know she loves the baby, and hat is probably why she is so excited about doing so much, but you needtoget used to being a mummy first!

Eggrules · 05/04/2012 10:45

Under no circumstances would I talk to your MIL tonight. Your DH was tactless and needs to go over and sort it out. Once he has done so the air can clear for a bit and then you can say what MrFunnytheEasterBunny suggests.

Original poster
witheringcathy · 05/04/2012 10:47

Normally we go a walk on Monday so was going tp leave it until then, just go walk as normal and speak to her then ?

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 05/04/2012 10:48

Mountain , molehill

Some people love a good MIL drama though.

Eggrules · 05/04/2012 10:49

I would ring in advance and suggest the walk and say you wanted to clear the air.

Original poster
witheringcathy · 05/04/2012 10:49

Newmummytobe79- I know, it's true though

OP posts:
Original poster
witheringcathy · 05/04/2012 10:50

I would always do that anyway, I was thinking Monday gives time to calm down a bit.

OP posts:
pictish · 05/04/2012 11:01

To be totally fair to you OP you seem to have tyour head screwed on well, and I'm sure you will handle it all with aplomb. Just talk to her! She's not trying to piss you off...she's just getting carried away. This can be resolved easily. x

LoveHandles88 · 05/04/2012 11:01

pictish when my dd was born she was in scbu for almost a week, and I hated being separated from her. I think it affected my attitude. I really did hate anyone else trying to soothe my dd, or passing her round like a novel toy. It made me sad and angry. Luckily my dh was really good about it, and certainly never expected me to feel guilty about it.

LoveHandles88 · 05/04/2012 11:02

I think the walk/talk is defintely a good idea. Good luck.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 05/04/2012 11:05

OP, I feel for you. It must be a very frustrating time. I think that an open conversation with your MIL is a great idea (as it sounds like your DH, even if he does speak with her, will not make a great case for you) and will hopefully lead to a better relationship and her respecting normal boundaries (not snatching the child from you or others for starters).

As for those who have posted saying that the OP is lucky and they would love to be in her shoes, I think you're totally batshit. You are effectively saying, "I wish my MIL would irritate the crap out of me, disrespect boundaries and be completely overbearing". If that's really your attitude, I suggest a thread of your own to discuss your own issues. Baffling!

Original poster
witheringcathy · 05/04/2012 11:08

pictish - I think so too thanks x

LoveHandles88 thanks x

theressomethingaboutmarie - people are strange

OP posts:
IKilledIgglePiggle · 05/04/2012 11:11

YANBU, and I'm usually on the MILs side, Nothing worse than a whinging DIL

I was stuck like glue to my newborns and if I wanted them back I just took them, sod their feelings, that goes for my mother and my MIL. Don't worry about hurting feelings, just smile and scoop him up whilst saying ' he wants his mummy now'. Be firm, babyhood is fleeting enjoy it.

marshmallowpies · 05/04/2012 11:18

I agree that the virtual snatching of a child out of your hands or pram from your grasp (and refusing to give back!) is going to make you feel hurt and miserable.

I am expecting DD imminently and have had plenty of time in the run-up to hold a friend's new baby - every time I have him I think 'oh she must want him back so much!' or worry that I'm hogging him...so I always try not to overstay my welcome...because I know I'm going to be in the same boat soon.

However I can also imagine someone taking baby from me for 5 minutes so I can drink a cup of tea in peace might well feel like heaven.

I guess the acid test will be if your DS has a proper howling meltdown moment and MIL can't settle him...see how keen she might be to hand him back then?

clam · 05/04/2012 11:40

Under no circumstances What.So.Ever would I go round tonight, on someone else's orders, to put right the hash that your dh has made of supposedly sorting this out with his own mother.
In fact, I'm not sure a scheduled "talk" would even be a good idea. He's sown the seed that you don't like being crowded, why not just deal with the rest as and when things occur?
But, for the record, this is nothing to what you're going to be posting about once she's looking after him 2 days a week!

DueinSeptember · 05/04/2012 11:44

I probably would not speak to her about it. If your DH wants to then it's up to him.

We sort of had this when my DD was a baby. PIL would come around all the time without ringing (when previously we had seen them once a fortnight).

We were stressed and tired (as DD had been very ill in hospital) and just wanted to get used to being a family etc.

DH had enough and told them to give us a break as we were tired/stressed and to please call before coming round.

Yes, it was harsh but they did get the message and they don't cross boundaries now. It was probably the best thing for us to do at the time as I had previously seen how they had taken over with my DH's niece.

I was lucky though that my DH and I were on the same page and felt the same way.

Original poster
witheringcathy · 05/04/2012 12:37

clam - haha I am not going round tonight don't worry. No one bullies or bosses me about. I will see her next week on my own and have a little chat but I am not apologizing or justifying what DH said

DueinSeptember - DH and I were on the same page and are about taking over with DS but he changed his attitude when MIL became upset. See my previous posts about her reaction when I pushed the pram and you will know this is what she does

OP posts:
Original poster
witheringcathy · 05/04/2012 12:45

I just text DH to say I am not going round there tonight but will speak to her next week. He said that is fine but he will go round himself with DS. A good idea ?

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 05/04/2012 12:50

Your idea is a good one, your DHs isn't. But oing round there and taking your baby he is sending the message to his mother that he thinks she is right, and is entitled to demand to see the baby when she wants. Your dh should be supporting your descison with his actions as well as his words, and that means letting you deal with it in your way, and showing his Mum that he backs you on this.

She is manipulating your dh by getting upset. If I were you Id play her at her own game. He won't see that he's being manipulated by his Mum, so you are left with no choice but to play it back IMO. Otherwise your dh will see you as the bad guy.

JosieZ · 05/04/2012 13:36

Agree with Outraged.

DH has mucked things up.

When you see MIL I would ask what on earth DH has been saying. Try to give him some of the blame for any confusion. Then play down your issues with her, just let her know you don't like to see baby bandied about. I'm sure she has got the message already but is just trying to get one over you by having DH come on his own.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 05/04/2012 13:38

I like your style Josie Wink

Original poster
witheringcathy · 05/04/2012 13:40

I will speak to DH later but have already text him saying not the best idea.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 05/04/2012 13:40

For god's sake don't let him take the baby around there without you, tonight.

It really does give the message that your dh supports her 'right' to the baby, more than your right to object to overbearing and rude behaviour.

You need to be present to have input into what is being said - without you there, you mil will railroad your dh and everything will end up being your fault.

Your husband is coming across as a bit weak tbh. It is hard for him to upset his mum, but you his wife, the mother of his baby and he should be a bit more concerned about doing the right thing by you and not letting his mother call the shots wrt your baby and your feelings about it all.

This can still be resolved, I think, with a bit of honesty - no one needs to be unkind, but if it gets ballsed up now, by your dh caving, you are storing up problems for later.

Wrt the child care - I would make clear to dh that his mum can look after the baby, but only so long as she doesn't contradict your wishes or undermine you regarding his care. The minute that changes, the baby is going to nursery.

Original poster
witheringcathy · 05/04/2012 13:45

I will explain this to him karmabeliever. I don't think he's weak he just hates to see his mum upset

OP posts: