to not want to speak to MIL

[witheringcathy]

Hello, this is the first time I have posted but I need your advice please.

I have a 3 month old DS. Whenever we go and visit MIL she takes over with DS, expects that when we are out she will push pram, if he needs fed she will do it, if he cries she jumps up to see him etc. She has lifted him out of DHs arms before then parades around the living room with DS, passes him about to FIL and SIL then takes him away from them after a few minutes. Twice she has lifted DS straight out of SIL?s arms even when I told her to leave it. The last time we were there DH asked for DS back as he was getting grizzly and she refused ! Said no you get him all the time I only see him now. After this last time I was really angry and told DH my feelings, he said he would speak to her about it (was worried a bit as DH sometimes not very tactful) After he spoke to her he came back and said she didn?t realise she had done anything wrong and was upset. He wishes he had never said anything . We have seen her since and she didn?t do what she usually does which was good.

However, DH went to visit her yesterday and came back saying I need to sort this out, it will affect mine and MILs relationship if I don?t and he wants me to go tonight and speak to her about it. Truth is I just don?t know what to say -I feel as though it has been said, she needs to deal with it and adjust her behaviour. I told DH this and he said think of something to say you are not stupid ! I am quite angry and know he texted her to say we are coming round but I really have nothing to say about it.

Also when DS first born and during pregnancy (1 week old) DH had issues with my DM, he thought she was ignoring him and visiting too often, so I spoke to her. He didn?t speak to her at all about it and she was hurt at the time so why should I ? Also MIL is jealous of relationship with me, DS and my DM.

AIBU ?

You seem very petty not letting her push the pram, such a small thing that would make her really happy, feeding him. She won't be around for ever so wants to enjoy her grandchild

It really amazes me that people can't see that you are happy for her to be involved, you just don't want her taking over. It's not what all grannies are like, and it's not right to make a new mother feel that way. It is great that she wants to be involved, and your dc will be so loved, but fgs she has to let the op be the mother to this child. You as the mother know what is best for your child, you are it's advocate.

And yeah, the gm won't he around forever etc, but the op wants to enjoy her dc as well and the baby times are far too short.

It sounds like your MIL adores her GS but she is being overbearing and I totally understand the battle of wills - especially if you are the only one standing up to her. If your DH has been tactless - then he needs to sort it out.

In my case we don't see our family very much so the overbearing was dialled up to 11. You have my sympathy.

You must tell her she must not look hurt when you inisist on pushing the pram the whole time on outings as this will result in you not allowing her to push the pram again????

Yes- that's totally reasonable advice guaranteed to result in harmonious family relationships and make you look kind and rational. Not.

Why for friggins bells sake wouldn't you let her oust the pram???

OP you can choose to hurt her as you havebthe trump cards, her son and her grandson, but you may regret using these much later to win some minor battle now.

Are yiu heading the posts from women who've been therebandbregretted it? You seem to be clinging only to those who agree she's a wicked witch who must do asnshe is told.

Well then...a "sorry, did you want to push...here you go" would've solved it wouldn't it?
Of course she's being silly giving you hurt looks (I can't bear that sort of manipulative shit myself) but it's not a battle worth fighting in the grand scheme of things.

I agree she's a bit Granzilla - but it all comes from a place of love and excitement over her gc, none of it is insurmountable as a problem, and believe me - you do NOT want to alienate anyone who is willing to take your kid off your hands.
She is a blessing in diguise - I guarantee you.

Just grit your teeth, secretly roll your eyes, DON'T be bullied, and it will even itself out in time. This wee baby of yours is still very new so the novelty hasn't quite worn off yet.
She sounds comitted and loving and a little appreciation for that will serve you well in the future.

I can see why things like pushing the pram are so annoying. Pushing a pram isn't about spending time with the baby, it isn't about building a bond and getting to know him, it's about wanting to play Mummy. That's the problem with the pram pushing.

It's very easy to say let it go, just let her do it etc, and who pushes the pram is really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But when someone else is so insistent about pushing the pram you lovingly chose and looked forward to using with your baby, it will feel like that someone is trying to take over your role as Mother. And that is Just Not On.

DaDErDaDer I've been there and regret how my mil dealt with the gentle suggestion that she might let DH and I parent our DS, and whilst she was of course free to offer advice, which we would be delighted to listen to, she wasn't to get in a strop when we didn't immediately follow it to the letter.

I don't, however, regret my DH speaking to her as we would have really resented her; as it is, we just continually extend our hands hoping that one day she will realise that we want her in our lives, and we want her to be a part of her gs life, we just don't want to be ordered about and told how to parent then faced with strops when we don't do exactly as she said. I know my DH did all he could, as did I to try to gently sort the situation, and we are waiting for her when she wants to be part of our lives again.

There is a difference between regretting the way things turned out but being glad that you dealt with the, in the way you did, and regretting what you did or didn't do to resolve a situation.

Parents have the final say with their babies, and I am sorry to say this, but GP just have to fit in with that. I know my own parents have fitted in with what my DH and I wanted with our DS, even if it mightn't be what they would have done, but they also reiterate constantly that he is our child and we have to be the ones who make parenting decisions; they just enjoy being able to be grandparents without having to worry about parenting!

But when someone else is so insistent about pushing the pram you lovingly chose and looked forward to using with your baby, it will feel like that someone is trying to take over your role as Mother

Yes it will - if you're completely neurotic and paranoid!

What tosh.

Feelings aren't always rational Pictish, but that doesn't make them any less real. And I think it's ok to be a bit irrational and neurotic when you have a three month old baby.

I agree with a lot of what you say though, I just think that where there is a battle over whose feelings matter the most in this situation, those of the Mother have to come first and the GM should be respectful of that.

On that we may be agreed, yes.

Mrfunny, I agree it's how you deal with it that's important, and you can be as kind gentle as you like but if the GPs are loons yiu can't win.

I do think though an insistence on things always being your way and never giving the GPs an inch or making allowances is unkind and unnecessary.

We all have some non negotiabkes as parents, but beyond those I think with GPs some tolerance griitted teeth and love over the smaller stuff is much more beneficial for families in the long run.

Giving in to manipulative shit such as hurt looks over pushing a pram could be giving in to a bully. Pushing a pram isn't a big issue - a grown up acting like a soilt toddler because they didn't get their own way is.

Consideration works both ways and in this case I think she is putting her wants overt your needs. You do need to include your Mil but her feelings aren't more important than yours.

DaDerDaDer - I am not trying to hurt her at all. I really like and get on with her but since I got pregnant she has tried to take over which I can't stand and I can see how it would escalate if I don't nip it in the bud now. She totally rules FIL, SIL and Dh and would do the same to me and DS if I allow it. I know she loves DS and I want her to and spend time with him and me and DH but she is just too much !

OP I think your idea to have a chat with MIL when you go for a walk together is a good one. You appear to have a good relationship with your MIL and hopefully it is just a case of being an over zealous, excited grandma, rather than controlling MIL. This behaviour does need nipping in the bud though. I do not understand the other posters that say she is not doing anything wrong when she takes your ds out of other people's arms, isn't that just plain rude?

I have had the same problem with my MIL, but unfortunately it was a case of being very controlling, rather than being over excited. She too took our ds out of people's arms usually accompanied by a very stern "give him to me". She told me that as she was a long distance grandma (lived over 200 miles away) whenever she was around I should have nothing to do with ds unless she let me, ds was 10 weeks old at the time . When I queried this I had the "you have stolen my son, now you have stolen my grandson" comment.

She had terrible problems with other people seeing our DS eg she used to say that FIL (who she is separated from) only came to stay with us to upset her. Once when our DS accidentally picked up a photo of my DM instead of her (both called grandma) she decided that DS obviously favoured DM over her and it would be better if she never saw us again

Her behaviour caused many problems between me and my DH. When we talked rationally together he agreed that her behaviour was unacceptable, but unfortunately we tended to row about her as he was unable to talk to her about it. I do believe that if you have a problem with a grandparent it should be the person whose parent it is that talks to them. My MIL would not take any notice of anything I say. My DH did once agree to talk to his mum, he summoned up his courage, phoned her and then promptly said "mrs toomuch doesn't like some of things you do" and passed the phone over to me! We laugh about it now Hopefully your DH will be more supportive.

As others have said things should get easier as DS gets older. Things are easier with my MIL now DS is 7, but it is still hard and she still thinks she should be the one in charge of how he is brought up.

So fingers crossed you can sort this out amicably

Thanks you Eggrules :)

I get the pram thing - totally! And it's because it stems from the overall overbearing behaviour - the straw that broke the camel's back if you like.

Yes, as an individual case it seems petty, but I really didn't appreciate having my pram snatched from me by a family member the minute it's wheels hit the pavement! I had planned to offer, but having it literally snatched is just plain rude.

I know my mum adores pushing the pram, and I do offer it to her, and we share the journey :) I know it's childish, akin to pushing a doll as a proud child ... but if we're being so childish as new parents, then why are they so desperate to push the pram too?

Like I said, I think this is a good thing (when it's sorted out of course!) as it sets the grounds for future parenting.

Just make sure you're DH doesn't leave the talking all down to you. His tacklessness has probably upset her more than anything!

toomuchlaundry - I think we will be able to, I ma not being marched round there by DH though. I will speak to her on my own in my own way

I really feel for you. She sounds very similar to my MIL.

My DC are older now but reading your post just brings it all back.

Its hard for others to understand but when you are faced with someone very domineering who tries to take over permanently - its pretty hard going and I know I certaonly felt the need to try and claw back some control of the situation.

My MIL used to take my baby away from me whenever we arrived. She even removed her from my arms once when I was BF. Despite DD crying the place down she decided to wander around the house rocking her in the arms saying now now now little baby and what a pair of lungs you have. She claimed she didnt realise I was BF. She would lift a sleeping baby out of the car seat/crib just because she wanted a cuddle. She could not let anyone else hold the baby for more than 30 second befor having to lift the baby herself. She would sit next to me during BF and have her head centimetres from my breast, really invading my personal space. No normal comments of "excuse me I am feeding" or "please leave her she is sleeping" had any effect on MIL at all.

Pram pushing - she would take over. In her defence - I was reluctant to let her pram push because of all her other actions. That said even when she pram pushed she would keep fussing over DD in the pram - getting her out and tucking her back in unneccessarily.

The problem is when someone takes over like that - normal things like normal cuddles or letting them do a nappy change becomes a no no! I just could not help myself saying no and being a bit of a cow about stuff that I would let other family members do - so she shot herself in the foot.

So anyway 11 and 13 years on my 2 DC tolerate her. Its very sad but her domineering and desire to take over spilled into their toddlerhood and childhood. She loves them so much buch holding down a 2/3/4yo to cuddle and kiss them and forcing them to stay sat on her knee cos she could not bare to let them go has meant they are wary of her and dont enjoy her company.

Its very sad really. The difference in them between going to see MIL and my parents is very telling although where my 13yo is now concerned i can tell she is no longer jumping for joy to spend very long at either grandparents these days but I think thats a teen thing.

I have waffled sorry. Lay down a few ground rules with her if you can. Just explain you feel like sometimes she takes over - but pad it out with something nice like - perhaps because you are so excited to be Grandma. I wish I had been firmer - if I had she may have changed her behaviour and she and my DC may have had a better closer relationship.

As for your DH - I would be pissed right off at him for landing this chat on you in this manner. But, now he has use it to make the situation the best you can. Think about what it is that you want to stop/raise and then think of the nicest way to put it forward to her. The ball is then in her court.

Your mil is bu. I hated ANYONE taking my dc when little. If my mil had refused, I'd have simply gone over and taken the baby away, gone back and punched her. Absolutely no right to do what she did. Go and speak to her, but don't pussyfoot around her to save her feelings. It will affect your relationship more if you allow yourself to be manipulated by her, and if you let her walk all over you and your dh. It will breed resentment and cause deeper problems for the future.

Newmummytobe79 that is what I do with my mum and it's fine.

I disagree about the battle not being worth it. I really think that it's people, me included, letting the small things go that has lead to the big battles with my MIL.

You start out not minding about something, then you do mind a bit but let it go, then you mind a lot but it's hard to say anything without bringing up all the other little things you let go and finally you are all quietly resenting each other or all out war breaks out.

It's not like the OP's MIL never gets to push the pram, so she shouldn't sulk or look hurt on the odd occasion when the OP keeps hold of it. It's not like to OP planned it to hurt her or anything but I could understand her being a bit stubborn about it once she realised what her MIL was doing.

When we were out with my PILs once I bought a book in a National Trust property. MIL was interested in the book and I showed her where I found it, they had a few copies at a greatly reduced price. She decided not to buy one but later on, while I was flicking through my copy she did some hurt looks of her own and then cried because she wanted it! FIL demanded I hand it over because we lived close enough to go back and get another one. We lived over an hours drive from the place and had no reason to be back nearby anytime soon. But the reason I refused to hand over the book was because I felt manipulated by the crying and I knew she wouldn't look at it once she got it home, whereas I use it a lot, and she could have bought her own copy at the time.

I'd be the same with the pram, it would be the hurt looks and manipulation that bothered me more than her pushing the pram.

People can be dismissive of 'irrational and neurotic' new mums. You can be sleep deprived, hormonal, hungry and still totally in the right. It is incredibly unkind of someone to think you are sleep deprived/feeling unwell and to be inconsiderate.

My situation is very like toomuchlaundry's. Now I would counteract 'You should give up work and or go part time so you can be a proper mummy' with a shrug and 'I earn loads more than your DS, will you help with our monthly mortgage payments?'. At the time I was .

LoveHandles88 I feel like she is trying to manipulate me into saying I am sorry I didn't mean it, you are not doing anything wrong. It's frustrating !

Queenofcake _ I can imagine her being like that if I do not do something now

Oh witheringcathy we might get flamed for saying our mums understand - but they do!

But I think it's more of a case of being able to say 'oi mum - stop hogging the pram! you had your go with me and my sisters/brothers, and it's been pissing it down all week and this is my first walk out in 7 days!' which you can't really say to the inlaws without sounding rude!