to not want to speak to MIL

[witheringcathy]

Hello, this is the first time I have posted but I need your advice please.

I have a 3 month old DS. Whenever we go and visit MIL she takes over with DS, expects that when we are out she will push pram, if he needs fed she will do it, if he cries she jumps up to see him etc. She has lifted him out of DHs arms before then parades around the living room with DS, passes him about to FIL and SIL then takes him away from them after a few minutes. Twice she has lifted DS straight out of SIL?s arms even when I told her to leave it. The last time we were there DH asked for DS back as he was getting grizzly and she refused ! Said no you get him all the time I only see him now. After this last time I was really angry and told DH my feelings, he said he would speak to her about it (was worried a bit as DH sometimes not very tactful) After he spoke to her he came back and said she didn?t realise she had done anything wrong and was upset. He wishes he had never said anything . We have seen her since and she didn?t do what she usually does which was good.

However, DH went to visit her yesterday and came back saying I need to sort this out, it will affect mine and MILs relationship if I don?t and he wants me to go tonight and speak to her about it. Truth is I just don?t know what to say -I feel as though it has been said, she needs to deal with it and adjust her behaviour. I told DH this and he said think of something to say you are not stupid ! I am quite angry and know he texted her to say we are coming round but I really have nothing to say about it.

Also when DS first born and during pregnancy (1 week old) DH had issues with my DM, he thought she was ignoring him and visiting too often, so I spoke to her. He didn?t speak to her at all about it and she was hurt at the time so why should I ? Also MIL is jealous of relationship with me, DS and my DM.

AIBU ?

I'm glad for you! I feel so sad that my DH misses out on his mum, and my DS misses out on his granny. We used to get on so well, she was a friend, and so I miss that too. I definitely think that if your DH won't, then you need to talk gently to her, it's the only way, otherwise she won't realise how you really feel - and we all know men are sometimes not the best at conveying feelings! If you remind her of the times when she had a new baby, it may well help her understand where you are coming from!

Blimey, make the most of it!

DP and I have no parents left at all now and I'd give almost anything for the boys to have doting GP's around, fighting over who holds them and pushes them and does stuff for them.

your MIL is really bloody annoying, however this is not 'barring-her-from my-babies-life' level of crap.

as time goes on you'll get confident with your baby and you'll be able to think 'oh well, its my baby and I get to leave in X hours'

i think my MIl did all the things you list in your OP (apart from feeding the baby) and a few more really annoying ones. Totally infuriating.

Sorry I think you are bu and your dh sounds a bit mad too. Did I read right that he thought your dm was ignoring him and visiting too often so you had to speak to her???? Sounds mad and immature on both your parts.

I appreciate it may be irritating having a mil who takes such a strong interest however you are having her look after your ds 2 days a week and babysit for you so surely it's important she bonds well with him and is confident in looking after him.

I am dreading being a mil. I would politely tell you I was no longer able to look after your ds as you sound difficult to please and I would be unsure of whether I was upsetting you or not.

YANBU.

I've had MIL issues, which for the sake of trying to keep the peace I usually kept to myself and tried to put them behind me.

When I finally had to speak to DH I didn't want him to say anything to her, I just wanted him to understand why I wasn't as keen to see her as I might have been before.

He decided to speak to her anyway but MIL is a drama queen and I know it wouldn't be five minutes before my being upset with her, for very good reasons, was turned into her being upset with me.

And that's exactly what happened. To the point that our relationship deteriorated rapidly and now we don't speak or see each other at all. The first time they came to visit after he spoke to them things were a bit strained and awkward but not awful it would have been better the next time. But MIL walked out and rang DH from the car to cry and say that she had "tried" with me but that I was rejecting her and not making her feel welcome enough so they were never coming back to our house until I was prepared to make her feel welcome.

If you don't want to go and speak to her, don't go. But if you do go, keep to one or two key things that you want to say and stick to them. "I find it overwhelming when you physically take DS from us and refuse to give him back when asked" etc.

Your DS is still very young. I struggled very much when mine was born to be parted from him or to have him out of my sight. It wasn't something I enjoyed or wanted to feel, and it wasn't jealousy or possessiveness. But two previous losses and a very difficult birth with DS had left me anxious and worried and if we were out with him in his pram, for example, if I wasn't pushing it and couldn't see him I felt stressed and upset. If he was asleep in a different room I was constantly checking on him. I had to sit with him in the back seat of the car so I could see him in his car seat and if I was driving I was on edge the entire time. Didn't matter who else had him, DH, my Mum, my MIL, if he was out of my sight I was on edge. If someone else held him for a little while I would soon want him back and it was more like a physical need than a jealous or possessive emotion. If they had refused to let me take him I would have found that very hard to deal with.

The midwife said it was normal, even without losses or a difficult birth, and that the feelings would pass in time. And they just about did, although I still have my moments.

I completely understand where you are coming from. My MIL is wonderful and very helpful looking after our son as we both work FT and she looks after him 1-2 days per week and at the moment, she is looking after him 5 days! So I do feel ungrateful when I complain but she totally takes over, particularly because she is home all day with him at the moment. When I come home and try and feed him his dinner, she says "oh I will do it" or "That's too big a piece of meat, he will choke" etc etc. Always just sort of interfering and taking over as if she knows best. She doesn't do it deliberately but it just undermines me. I would never say anything though because I think it will affect the relationship, so probably in hindsight maybe your DH shouldn't have said anything.

If I was you, I would grin and bear it. Just say to her that you are just about sensitive and you thought she was taking over but you realise she didn't mean to and you don't want her to change or something like that. I just think sometimes we need to just take the high road in life.

Sorry I haven't read the other responses so I am not sure if I am way off what everyone else is suggesting, but I do understand how you feel. My MIL really does drive me insane, to the point where I hate going home if it's her day to look after DS unless by DH is there to act as a buffer, because otherwise she goes on and on and on and on about the day and what I should and shouldn't do etc etc.

Tbh I think you over reacted in the first place,she is your baby's Grandmother, and wants the opportunity to look after him when she see's him, which sounds perfectly reasonable. Equaly, Sil and pil are your Ds's aunt and grandfather, do they not also deserve a cuddle?

The thing is with childen, is they don't "belong" to just one person, but they do belong to a family, (2, if you count yours and your dh's seperately) and growing up as a loved member of that family can only be a good thing for your ds.

You mention that you made your dh speak to mil, and you spoke to dm when she upset dh, which makes me wonder if you are quite young OP? It sounds like tittle tattle and is likely to cause hurt and resentment on both sides of the family. A better approach would be for whichever one of you is offended to arrange to meet the person that upset you, alone and calmly, to discuss why you felt hurt and how to handle it next time the situation arises.

I think you should meet your Mil, have the courage to tell her yourself why you feel offended, and just bear in mind that she IS his grandma, and many posters would give their eye teeth to have a MIL who'd show that much love and attention to their dc.

Good luck

What Calamity Kate said.

It was MY mother who was the overbearing let-me-at-him nightmare. We did fall out about it. Wish I hadn't been such a precious twat about it in all honesty. By the time my second came along I'd got well over myself and was more than happy to have grandparents swarming.
My mum had died by then.
What an idiot I was.

Yanbu at all. It's great she's so keen to be involved and clearly loves him but he isn't a toy it's not show and tell and you can't just go yanking babies out people's arms or out the buggy. Babies need space to sometimes and it can ne distressing for them to be constantly passed around when they were quite happy where they were. :)

It's very common, I'm afraid

Some of it is understandable and I've not doubt it all comes from love. The fact is she is granny and she wants to be involved, you obviously want her involved too and it can't all just be when you need a babysitter. So what if she wants to push the pram, she's proud of her gs. So what if she wants to feed him, unless you are bf but taking him when he's settled and refusing to give to your dh is not on. Just remember it comes from love and do it tge same as you would your own mother.

Keep it up, OP, and the problem will go away of its own accord. You'll be posting back then to say that your child has nobody in his life.

I think you're being unreasonable entirely - you come across as letting MIL have DS for two days when you go back to work - well find out how much it would cost for childcare and see if that makes you a little more gracious.

Mothers, since time immemorial, have instructed on the way to do things. Not neccessarily right or always welcome, but they do and we, if we want a relationship, bite back sharp responses - or we say something but in a - hopefully - measured and considered way. That doesn't mean that they can't be excruciating and annoying sometimes.

It is your call, OP, but don't underestimate the power you have to bring this relationship crashing down.

BalloonTwister - No we are not particularly young, in our 30s. We just have an agreement that we speak to our own families about any issues as, like another poster said, it is always easier to speak to your own family.

Emmyloo - sympathies, that is the sort of thing I am dreading will happen when I go back to work

Narkedpuffin - that is exactly how I am feeling and what I think I should do.

'Sil and pil are your Ds's aunt and grandfather, do they not also deserve a cuddle?'

BalloonTwister, that's what the OP was saying! Her MIL is taking the baby off them too!

Oh it's awful when others forget what it's like to have a new baby, it's crap that anything has to be said because once said it can't be unsaid. My MIL used to say 'my x, my y' all the time about my dcs. And 'oh didn't Mummy do x, y, z...is that why you're crying?'/ But I bf so I could just slip upstairs with the baby and feed for HOURS!!!!

I know this won't help at this moment in time ... but this could be the best thing that has happened. She's crowding you and the sooner she knows the sooner it will stop.

Of course she's an excited GP and wants to cuddle baby all the time, but you're a first time mum, you probably doubt yourself sometimes, and you're learning to adapt to being a family - rather than a couple.

In the first few weeks (just when you don't need it!) everyone wants a piece of your baby, and it feels (well it did with me!) that everyone wants to 'take' your baby away from you ... when usually it's you that needs the cuddles! (cue your Mum :) )

And as petty as it sounds, I totally get the pram thing! It rarely stops raining and when you do eventually get yourself ready to go out and push YOUR pride and joy in your brand new pram ... it's taken away from you :(

I think your husband has had a telling off from his Mum (gone into little boy mode!) and you both need to mention it when you see her, lightheartedly if possible, but firmly enough so she understands. Like others say, focus on her when she first became a mum and hopefully the memories will return!

In a few months time you'll probably be glad of her looking after baby etc, but it takes time to adjust and she needs to be gentle with you.

Don't make it into a huge deal, just say your piece and make up.

But I do think you're DH is being a bit off not finishing what he started. We too deal with our own sides of the family as it's just damn easier and you then don't become the nightmare daughter or son in law.

Good luck x

Actually, I think she does remember what it was like with her DS - that's the whole problem.
She's projecting onto your DS and, of you're not careful, it will get totally out of hand with your MIL demanding more and more of your son and resenting you. It needs nipping in the bud now.

While you can acknowledge your MIL's love for your son, you do need to make it clear that he is your son and that she's causing you distress as a new mother. Otherwise, you may find yourself accused of ruining her life because your 12 year old doesn't want to stay with her, like mine has just done

I'm astounded at some of these replies, by the way! YABU because their MILs don't behave like that?? I've never heard anything so daft! Start your own threads if you have a [different] problem!

Hmm, you don't like the way MIL behaves but you want her to look after your child when you go back to work? You can't have it both ways and therefore you're being very unreasonable.

She's excited, yeah she's possibly being annoying, but it sounds like it's with the best intentions. If your SIL or FIL have a problem with not holding your DS then they can say something too!

thanks Newmummytobe79 i think you are right, it has been a stressful few weeks,

I agree Everlong but as the OP's title is AIBU to not speak to my mil, I would have to say yes, you are bu.

It's always the mils are that are the problem isn't it? Rarely the maternal grandmother.

SIL did say something to her about taking away but she just laughed it off, she is the boss of their house and no one stands up to her

Your idea about going for a walk and having a chat is a a good one. I don't think you should have to go over there and do it 'on her territory'.

Have a think about the bits that matter most to you, and the bits that you are prepared to let go. You really do have to pick your battles, and you don't want to be so forceful with your opinion and the way you feel that it will cause a permanent change in the way she behaves with your ds. The day will come that you are glad that she can just pick up and sort him out, maybe when he is a toddler that is into everything and you are having another baby. Have a look into the future and try to identify times when her overbearingness could be a blessing in disguise.

When you talk to her you have every right to make it clear that you get upset when you want your baby back and she won't give him up. That's not on and she does need to adjust her behaviour there. But you should also reassure her that you value how much she loves your child, and that you will offer to let her push the pram or give him feeds or whatever and then stick to it.

Perhaps you're just tuned in to the MIL ones, pictish

YANBU

Does your DH totally understand how you feel? I would have a chat and then ask him to speak to his DM and be specific about what the problem/solution is. I think you also need to clear the air with your MIL. 'I feel really upset when you don't listen to me. I have asked you to xyz and it makes me feel like you are taking over and undermining me. I'm sure that is not your intention and I know you remember what it is like to be a new mum.'.

I think your MIL looking after your LO without you is a good idea. It will give her much needed GM time and will help forge a strong relationship with your baby. Your MIL will do things differently and there will always be times that you disagree. Her feelings aren't more important than yours. I hated my MIL picking up my sleeping baby; it made me seeth. If I wanted my baby back then that is what happened. She also wanted to always push the pram - I always offered/let her. I felt better when I pre-empted the situation. 'DS will be having a bottle in a bit, would you like to give him it, then I will abc?'

It sounds to me like your Mil is overbearing. I think a new baby brings up a lot of memories for our parents. I know my own mum hated the way I did things so differently to her and it took it as a slight to her parenting. I counteracted the 'I've had four of my own' with 'I want to do things my own way - like you did' or 'I know I am a good mum and this is what works for me'. FFS, she may have had her own but she also did many insane things. She always sat DS up to feed him and go air in the teat which gave him terrible wind. There are deal breakers that I will not tolerate a different way of doing things (smacking). In those cases I say what I mean and say it mean,otherwise I pick my battles. It can be easier to talk to our own family. Good luck.