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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to speak to MIL

149 replies

witheringcathy · 05/04/2012 08:36

Hello, this is the first time I have posted but I need your advice please.

I have a 3 month old DS. Whenever we go and visit MIL she takes over with DS, expects that when we are out she will push pram, if he needs fed she will do it, if he cries she jumps up to see him etc. She has lifted him out of DHs arms before then parades around the living room with DS, passes him about to FIL and SIL then takes him away from them after a few minutes. Twice she has lifted DS straight out of SIL?s arms even when I told her to leave it. The last time we were there DH asked for DS back as he was getting grizzly and she refused ! Said no you get him all the time I only see him now. After this last time I was really angry and told DH my feelings, he said he would speak to her about it (was worried a bit as DH sometimes not very tactful) After he spoke to her he came back and said she didn?t realise she had done anything wrong and was upset. He wishes he had never said anything . We have seen her since and she didn?t do what she usually does which was good.

However, DH went to visit her yesterday and came back saying I need to sort this out, it will affect mine and MILs relationship if I don?t and he wants me to go tonight and speak to her about it. Truth is I just don?t know what to say -I feel as though it has been said, she needs to deal with it and adjust her behaviour. I told DH this and he said think of something to say you are not stupid ! I am quite angry and know he texted her to say we are coming round but I really have nothing to say about it.

Also when DS first born and during pregnancy (1 week old) DH had issues with my DM, he thought she was ignoring him and visiting too often, so I spoke to her. He didn?t speak to her at all about it and she was hurt at the time so why should I ? Also MIL is jealous of relationship with me, DS and my DM.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
everlong · 05/04/2012 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 05/04/2012 09:50

Just because the mil is providing child care when the OP goes back to work, it doesn't mean the OP has to put up with anything the mil wants to do, in the mean time. I expect the mil wants to do the child care - if she doesn't want to, then she doesn't have to. It's entirely possible that she's not so much doing the child care as a favour to the OP, but because she wants the time on her own with the DGC.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 05/04/2012 09:51

I don't think she meant she wasn't ever going to speak to her MIL though Pictish, just that she didn't want to speak to her about this since her DH has already done so.

PosiePaques · 05/04/2012 09:53

I would completely rethink MIL as childcare when you go back to work, it will not end well.

Original poster
witheringcathy · 05/04/2012 09:56

karmabeliever that is exactly why she is doing it, she offered as soon as I found out I was pregnant.

Eggrules - you are right. DH does know how I feel as he felt the same. The thing with pram, feeding etc is that I would normally offer but if I don't she jumps inm with - can I do it ? and once we were at the shops, I pushed pram and the whole time I was getting hurt looks and I could tell she was annoyed

OP posts:
Eggrules · 05/04/2012 09:56

MY DH and I have agreed to speak to our own parents too. I think your DH is BU to change the agreement in this case, especially if she has form for 'boss of their house and no one stands up to her'. You will need to stand up for yourself once your DH has spoken to her.

albertswearengen · 05/04/2012 09:56

I think your DH has been a bit of an idiot to be frank. You were probably being a tad pfb about your baby and your MiL was being overbearing and taking over.
However it is perfectly undertandable that you felt put out by her bossy behaviour - you've just had your first baby 3 months ago. IME sense of proportion goes out the window when you're hormonal and sleep deprived.
Your DH has managed to make the situation worse by dealing with your MIL badly and presumably blaming you and now he wants you to apologise. Even if he thought you were being a bit precious he should've told his DM just to back off and give you some space as nicely as he could. He has now escalated the whole situation and then left you to sort the mess out.
Get him to deal with it. I think she should be coming over to you to smooth things over whether she believes you were BU or not - you really don't need the stress on top of everything else.

pigletmania · 05/04/2012 09:56

Yabvvu all she wants is to be involved with her gs, push a pram, feed him, comfort him, and is clearly very proud what's wrong with that [ hmm]. There are so many thread on here with people whose parents and IL could not give two hoots about their grand kids. Is it really worth falling out with your MIL over something so petty. My ds is the same age as yours and Pil were staying with us from Italy, they would not let ds go, I had to ask to hold him. I figured that they will not see him often being from abroad so let them enjoy him, as the next time they will see him is when he is 1

Original poster
witheringcathy · 05/04/2012 09:57

PosiePaques - that would start WW3 if I said no now Wink

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 05/04/2012 09:57

I would change her looking after your ds and get paid childcare instead. If you are having problems now it will get far worse later.

rainbowinthesky · 05/04/2012 09:59

witheringcathy - that's ridiculous that you cant choose your childcare. Noone can dictate to you the childcare you use, really they cant. I am sure you can think of an excuse and you and your dh stick to it no matter how unbelievable it is why you are using paid childcare instead of her.

albertswearengen · 05/04/2012 09:59

I've just reread my post and it sounds as if I've been dismissive of your feelings and that's not what I meant. I do undertand as my MIL was very much like yours and I got unreasonably upset by it.
Looking back now I just don't know why I didn't just hand the baby over and let her get on with it whilst I went and did something else. I would've got a break and she would've been happy.

Original poster
witheringcathy · 05/04/2012 10:00

albertswearengen - that is what it i, as I said he can be a bit tactless and now as his mum is upset he can't deal with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
witheringcathy · 05/04/2012 10:01

rainbowinthesky my DH would be furious if I suggested that and not back me up, he thinks it's great that DS won't have to go into nursery

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 05/04/2012 10:02

If she's giving you hurt looks about pushing the pram, then that is one of the things you need to bring up with her. Tell her you won't be made to feel guilty for wanting to push your own pram, and point out that her doing that makes it less likely that you will offer because it's so annoying.

pigletmania · 05/04/2012 10:03

Your poor mil all she wants to do is be involved and you guys are thinking of ways to keep her away from her gs. The taking your ds from some bodies arms is rude and you could tell her that such and such is holding him now. Op remember you might be a mil one day. Is this her first grandchild

pictish · 05/04/2012 10:03

I echo albertswearengen.
I'm sorry too, if I come across as dismissive...but it's like she says....from the (really quite trivial) misdemeanours you have described, I think there will come a time when you will wonder what you were moaning about.
And I mean that with the best of intentions. x

ShirelyKnottage · 05/04/2012 10:04

YABU.

It's not an awful, terrible thing for your son to be loved and adored by his nana. One day, you will be in her position, imagine how you would feel if your DIL was pissed off with you loving your grandchild "too much".

Original poster
witheringcathy · 05/04/2012 10:05

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos that is exactly it ! when she acts like this is makes me want to ask for her help even less. To be honest she got my back up when I was pregnant, trying to tell me what to do, you'll just do this etc and told me off in the middle of a shop for taking dog a walk when 8 months pregnant (as I said I'm in my 30s) and even offered to babysit when I went to visit my mum !

OP posts:
DaDerDaDer · 05/04/2012 10:05

You insisted on pushing the pram all around the shops the whole time and she looked hurt???

You both sound unreasonable and pitted in a battle of wills against each other.

pictish · 05/04/2012 10:05

As for her wanting to push the pram - just let her fgs. You push it the rest of the time...what's the big deal about letting her push it when she is out with you?
If it makes her happy, and it's such a small thing, why insist it has to be you?

Eggrules · 05/04/2012 10:06

I agree with the poster that said you can let her know that you want to include her. I would say I need you to give the baby back now but I was intending to take him the shops you/we can go if you like?

Would you let the baby stay with her overnight (and get some much needed sleep)? My Mil and I are very different and disagree 95% of the time - it doesn't mean that we can't be on friendly terms. It helps that my DS can spend time with my ILs without me. Even though the ILs go totally overboard with spoiling, I love how much they adore my DS - they have a lovely relationship.

pigletmania · 05/04/2012 10:08

You seem unwilling to see things from another perspective op. when she interferes a firm no thank you, and just ignore. She loves your son and wants to be involved whts wrong with that!

Original poster
witheringcathy · 05/04/2012 10:09

pictish - that was my thoughts on pram, didn't bother me at all and she always pushes it but one day I just did (no big deal - my DS after all) and she was acting like that

Eggrules - Yes she will have DS overnight but not just yet, maybe in next couple of months

OP posts:
Original poster
witheringcathy · 05/04/2012 10:09

pigletmania - nothing at all, just not taking over

OP posts:
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