AIBU to not allow my DD in the taxi with this man?

[mickeyvsminnie]

My DD is 13. We live very rurally and the council provide a taxi for her and several other village children due to our distance from the school. I suppose it's the country equivalent of a school bus!

Anyway, she is in year 8 so has been going in the taxi for almost two years now. There is one driver - I shall call him 'Dave,' who does some of the journeys, along with Paul and Marie - the owners of the taxi company [ the council contract out the job ].... Dave does around 50% of the journeys.

My DD has mentioned several times to me in the past that he is a 'bit weird ' and she 'feels uncomfortable ' when in the taxi on her own with him [ this happens sometimes due to other drop off/illness of other kids etc] but I brushed it off until a few weeks ago.

She was off school for a day or two with a stomach bug. She returned to school and was alone in the taxi with Dave on her first day back. He asked her if she was feeling better, she replied ' yes thank you.' He then said ' was it your periods that you were off with? ' and she was obviously mortified. He then went on to talk about my DDs friend , referring to her as the 'under developed ' girl and ' I bet she hasn't started her periods yet .. ' My DD said he often talks about 'girl things' like this.

So, I call the council and tell them that i feel this is highly inappropriate for any man, let alone a taxi driver in his 50s with the job of driving young girls to and from school. They take it seriously, speak to Paul, the owner of the company and Dave is spoken to. 'Yes,' he says, he did indeed speak to DD about her periods but he thought this was entirely normal and he is puzzled as to why it is not appropriate. the council call me to advise they will look into further but they will remove Dave from the runs. I reiterate that I do NOT think he is a padophile - more that he is crass, highly inappropriate and stupid. I then think that this is the end of it.

Anyway, the council call me again today. They wish to reinstate Dave to driving the kids again. He will have 'additional training' and they will ensure that DD is not alone with him [ they cannot ensure this - what happens if a child is ill, for example? ' ]

I am unhappy with this. My DD would not want to be in a taxi with him - far to mortified and uncomfortable.

So- WWYD? AIBU to insist that he is NOT to drive the children to school, that this is a possible warning sign that should be heeded?

TIA!

Excellent practical post by KitchentilesWed 04-Apr-12 20:43:56

YANBU. No way would I allow my child in a taxi with that man.

My guess is that the council don't want the hassle of readvertising the contract, and that the current company are the lowest priced by far. The problem is the taxi company's, but I'm also guessing that they can't get other drivers because they set the rate so low to win the contract.

I second contacting your MP or local councillor

Agent provocateur you have hit the nail on the head. This is exactly the reason why the council are reluctant to change things.

Bollocks to talking to the council anymore, they are clearly a waste of space.

Phone the police and report this man for grooming your DD. Because quite frankly, it sounds like that's what he's doing and this is a police matter, NOT a council matter. You can of course inform the council of this if you choose.

However you should certainly inform Ofsted who are responsible for inspecting all children's services operated by your local authority (it's not just schools) and make a complaint that they are failing in their safeguarding duty.

You can even look up your LA's very own sexual harassment at work policy which will (I will bet my mortgage) state that intrusive / unwelcome questions such as the one your daughter was asked, constitutes sexual harassment.

Actually rhinestone that is a really good idea.

The Ofsted idea is a really good one. I shall bear that in mind.

Ok, you might all shoot me down for this but I think reporting him for grooming, at this point, is not the right thing to do.
I'm trying to think about it from the other perspective. Imagine if your husband, a kind man, perhaps with daughters himself, were this taxi driver. Perhaps he was (misguidedly) trying to be kind to the OP's daughter. Now imagine that after a couple of comments, that he was suspended from work for two weeks, and then had police on his case, in a rural community where, no doubt, everyone knows everyone else's business... the ramifications for him are huge.
I am not saying do nothing - far from it - there's been lots of good ideas on here and in your shoes I too would be taking it to anyone that would listen (though not the police, yet) and would be taking steps to ensure my daughter was not in the car alone with him.
But accusations can ruin lives and going to the police is a major step so please think very carefully if what's gone on is grooming or not.
And I work in youth work / child protection so I like to think I'm not talking out of my backside on this!

I wouldnt want my DD in a cab with this man. I know that 99.9% of people who are CRB cleared are fine. But there would always be that little bit of worry in my mind.

Totally inappropriate conversation for any man to have with a teenage girl (unless its her dad of course).

Dotty - it is pervy behaviour you have to admit to speculate out loud whether a young girl has started her periods or not.

The vast majority of men working with youngsters and especially young girls would be very very careful about what they talk about for fear of complaint - justified or not. He didnt even realise that it was inappropriate behaviour - what does that tell you?

It would be quite justifiable for OP to go to police - the ramifications are the driver's cross to bear for not respecting the young girls dignity, privacy or sensitivities.

My guess is that the council don't want the hassle of readvertising the contract, and that the current company are the lowest priced by far.

The council wouldn't have to re-tender for the service but normal practice would be for the taxi operator to be told that this particular driver could not work on any services provided under contract to the council.

I'm fairly horrified (and I say this with a deal of experience of managing local authority transport services and a dp who manages an organisation that provides school transport) that the council have not taken this action. Speak to your local councillor immediately.

There is no way i will be reporting this to the police. I do not think he is grooming her. I think he is an inappropriate dickhead - that is my gut feeling. Young girls should not have 50 year old men enquiring if they were off school with period pain... I do not equate this with him being a paedophile. Just a twat who needs a firm talking to and removing from driving children around.

He could be a lot of things - my main concern is that my DD does not have to see him again and feel embarrassed and very uncomfortable. I'll drive her myself if he is in the taxi anyway.

I'm hoping that the council will see sense. It is a 'protection' issue - I have highlighted a problem - and tking him off the run for a fortnight then giving him some 'training' before reinstating him is just plain foolish isn't it?

Dotty - I'm definitely not one to go overboard with accusations and have not accused him of anything. Kindly father figure or not - all the men I know in my life would not dream of mentioning periods to a young girl, however fleetingly. My DDs own father wouldn't - unless she specifically asked him - and really, she wouldn't.

Stick with your instincts this is the type of conversation paedophiles initiate (from work as criminal barrister)

Just adding another voice to the unanimous YANBU. I'm sorry but I think this man is more than misguided. He makes that type of conversation with young girls, brings it up even, and he has landed himself this particular job....very, very concerning.

I was put in a very similar position when I was a teenager but it was with a "well meaning neighbour (also in his 50s) who my family thought was wonderful that was always offering to give me a lift into town or whatever. I didn't tell my parents that he had been making lecherous remarks towards me until something more serious happened. Thank goodness your DD feels she can trust and talk to you. Stick to guns OP.

Just how stupid or socially inept would a grown man have to be, to think it's OK to ask teenage girls about their periods? Those of you who think he shouldn't lose his job, boohoo, how many men do you know who would behave like that?
He's either unhealthily interested in female puberty or he gets his jollies embarrassing and humiliating girls and women.

and "giving him some training and then reinstating him" is outrageous. Sorry but there is no way this is just a "kindly father type figure" who is misguided. No way.

SGB exactly.

Cherriesarelovely I agree.

Agree with Beeny too. Research shows this is true.

Entirely up to you re the police OP, however this is classic 'testing the boundaries' behaviour, i.e. he is trying to see what he can get away with.

To all of you concerned about his reputation, get a fucking grip. This is a man who makes comments / enquires about the sexual development of young girls when they are alone with him.

Dotty if you really do work in child protection then that is very worrying because you seem oblivious as to how sexual predators operate.

Tis me - under a name change again :)

Sorry to hear of your experience Cherry. How horrible for you. Yes, my DD feels she can talk to me, or at least that I will sort out an issue like this to the best of my ability.

I suppose I am most surprised at the council's stance on this. the call i had was definitely 'testing the waters,' seeing if i was agreeable to him driving the kids again, providing he has the magic 'dont talk about periods and development with 12 and 13 year olds ' training and an assurance he wont be alone with her.

Are they mad? What a red flag they have been given! And they would sweep it under the carpet....

It is indeed inappropriate but you can't stop them from giving the man back his job. I suppose you could always insist you take her there yourself if he turns up to drive her. Are parents allowed to go with their offspring if there is only one child in the car? Obviously the parent would get the bus back, not get a free return trip in the taxi. That's all I think you can do. I would not let a daughter of mine get into a car driven by him if that's what he said to her.

I don't think I'll threaten anything. I will merely say that it is not right in anyone's world for this man to be driving young girls around in light of what I have told them - and indeed, he admits himself to mentioning her periods to her etc! And then I shall ask them for their definitive take on this and what is going to happen.

And only then [ if they reinstate him on a school's run ] will I go nuclear on it.