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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

to think this was an ott reaction??

172 replies

amibu · 01/04/2012 00:05

I've namechanged for this.
I went to someones house a few days back,
my DS was unfortunately very overtired , hyper and it had been a long day and his dummy had been misplaced which was making calming it down very difficult. He had an incident with a glass coaster which luckily didnt break when I'd tried to get it off him.
He wanted to colour in the living room but wasnt allowed.
I was trying to get him to sit down when one of the women said;

'I'm not being funny but don't let him touch anything or jump on the chairs I've worked really hard for what I've got!'

I was a bit embarassed and shocked, I didnt respond at all. another person did apologise for the behaviour as the whole room fell silent.

AIBU to feel a bit humiliated by this comment when it appeared obvious I was trying to calm a little monster down?

OP posts:

ifancyashandy · 01/04/2012 10:23

It's the 'trying' to stop him opening the cupboards & jumping on the furniture that would have got up my nose. Pick him up. Restrain him. Ignore if he goes bonkers. Leave if it gets too bad. Let DP make own way home (taxi?).

How she said it was rude but the sentiment was justified.

amibu · 01/04/2012 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

SuePurblybilt · 01/04/2012 10:25

Goodness me, how to win friends and get a YANBU masterclass going on here.

Or not.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/04/2012 10:27

"I think I was more shocked at the 'I've worked hard for what I've got'"
You really need to try putting yourself in her shoes OP. It's not the phraseology I would use, but it's a way of saying she values her possessions and she expects you to value them too, by not allowing them to be trashed.

But so far, you haven't shown any empathy for this woman, or any acceptance that you might have been unreasonable.

Megatron · 01/04/2012 10:27

Everything is dangerous to a toddler. What did she have out, daggers? Glass objects which would only be dangerous if they were broken i.e if your son picked them up and dropped them which he should not have been able to do if supervised properly.

I'm sorry but you did ask if YABU and although I think she was rude, you do sound like you feel you have no responsibility in this situation at all.

BareBums · 01/04/2012 10:29

After reading your responses I think she was BU to think she could have a toddler (who you'd already told was overtired) in her precious house without there being fuss.

Rhinosaurus · 01/04/2012 10:29

I have read the whole thread, and you made a personal insult against me and the composition of my post (which was a perfectly valid post), this goes against the etiquette of the board, so if I respond in a way you do not like, don't throw your dummy out of the pram.

Why don't you also read properly, I said the concept was flawed, not you.

Original poster

amibu · 01/04/2012 10:29

I've said several times I apologised and was basically picking him up all the time, If I had sat in another room allowing him to run wild then I could understand these responses.

theres not much more empathy I could have shown.

OP posts:

ohmygosh123 · 01/04/2012 10:31

I expect other kids to play nicely / gently with things that aren't theirs, and to not take things without asking. I have had to explain to childless friends that no the china cat ornament is not a good thing to let 18mth DD play with if they would like it to stay intact! However she never went for things, simply because when she did try it on, she was removed immediately from the room, life was made very very boring in time out, we told her what was going to happen when she did go back in the room, and something constructive was given for her to do. My view is it is their house and their possessions, they paid for them not me, and so it is my responsibility to ensure DD does not behave inappropriately and if she does she is whisked straight out of the room. Rather than attempting damage control

amibu - assuming this is not an april fool's - learn to cut your losses - if your child won't listen to you the first or second time - get them out of the room. If I had a child opening my cupboards, pulling things out, with an ineffectual parent following behind, then I would be pissed off too. You don't know how much they saved for their furniture, what their financial situation is etc - but I would be hacked off if a small child, was being allowed to rampage (which is what I call jumping on furniture, opening cupboards and not listening to the parents) round my house, and I don't see why I should be paying the bill / cleaning up after them. Rhino's is a more extreme situation - and I agree with her last sentence which applies to anyone. Glad you were trying, but at the end of the day you were clearly failing to restrain him, otherwise the 'friend' wouldn't have felt the need for an outburst.

rhino - I had self same type of little brat in our house for a week. What I discovered was that if I got down to her level, glared and told her very firmly we do not do that in our house, she stopped! Unfortunately I waited until the last day to try it out, when I couldn't take any more of the parents ineffectual parenting. They took any directing of their daughter as direct criticism of them. (Best bit - they are management consultants - but cant say no to a small child cos she might cry!)

Megatron · 01/04/2012 10:31

If it was so bad why did you not just tell your DP you were taking him home then?

squeakytoy · 01/04/2012 10:31

You shouldnt have put him down. You should also teach your child not to go into people's cupboards too.

HumphreyCobbler · 01/04/2012 10:33

well, if the OP was making every effort to deal with her child then it IS bloody rude to comment like that. I once moved a pen from someones table and put it out of reach of my 18 month DS, the owner of the house asked me why I moved it and I explained that the other day he had grabbed a pen and drawn on our table before I could stop him. The owner of the house said "Well don't bloody let him do that here". Which I thought was very rude, what did he think I was doing?

Original poster

amibu · 01/04/2012 10:34

You were comparing me to a really extreme example so no Rhino it wasnt. I didn't personally insult you I suggested you either don't exaggerate or improve you're literacy skills thats valid tbh, you were very rude so don't dish out what you can't take in all honesty.

That makes no difference you were essentially lying, as I said several times that I take responsibility and didn't think it was okay, but you ignored that to have another pop.

OP posts:

ifancyashandy · 01/04/2012 10:36

'...I was basically picking him up all the time'

So you were allowing him to get down again? There's the problem. If he was being held all the time, he wouldnt have been able to touch her things.

And if he created at being held, then leave. And DP could make his own way home (as previously posted).

luckylavender · 01/04/2012 10:36

Loving Mumsnet. If the shoe was on the other foot everyone would be telling the OP that she should have told the toddler's mother to take him away - your house your rules.

Rhinosaurus · 01/04/2012 10:36

Good tip ohmygosh, will try that next time, might worry the parents so much that the devil children's free spirits are being compromised they might decide not to visit again with a bit of luck

Amibu - I am currently writing a thesis for my masters, can you send me your email so that I can get you to proof read it for me? Cheers!

Original poster

amibu · 01/04/2012 10:37

My Situation was quite similar humphrey I was stopping him making a beeline for another chair when the outburst happened.

OP posts:

Megatron · 01/04/2012 10:38

amibu come on you're taking this thing with Rhino too far now. Saying she was lying? [hmmm]

You say you were taking responsibility but I'm afraid if you really were, you would have left and not let the situation escalate. You asked for opinions, if you didn't want anyone to disagree with you, you shouldn't have posted.

bemybebe · 01/04/2012 10:39

"I was trying to restrain my son and getting him out of cupborads etc"

Fucking hell, stay out of my house even if I unknowingly invite you OP

Original poster

amibu · 01/04/2012 10:40

there was no way I could get home I dont drive, no buggy and in the nest city.
I understand what people are saying but my hands were pretty tied, and he lost his dummy so I was boiling with stress anyway, which probably made this sitaution worse.

OP posts:

Condensedmilk · 01/04/2012 10:42

YABU

Yummymummyyobe1 · 01/04/2012 10:43

I would give your DC a large slice of Sara Lee chocolate cake and teach him where the best place to hide marks are. (hidden he he he.

I remember a while ago that a friend of mine brought her little ones to my house and me thinking ah chilcren like to colour bought crayons and colouring books. After 10 minutes we were suspicious that they were very quiet and that they had in fact coloured in the carpet. My friend was morftified all I could do was go into the bedroom and laugh it was so funny. Children do things and so be it. xx

Rhinosaurus · 01/04/2012 10:44

I'm not worried, Amibu clearly can't stand any criticism of her parenting, but when we don't all roll over and criticise the host she throws a girls strop and resorts to personal insults instead of reasoned argument.

Bored now, I'm off to childproof my toilet and buy some cupboard locks, oh and some table bumpers and door slam preventers, a stair gate, dvd player guard, and remove all items below four feet. Sounds a bit silly as my youngest is 13 and my oh will think I've gone mad, but you never know when an unconttollable toddler may visit!

Kayzr · 01/04/2012 10:45

You could have sat in the car with him. Gone for a little walk around the block.

It is not up to other people to toddler proof their home. It's up to you to make your child behave.

ifancyashandy · 01/04/2012 10:45

Well, then you should have just restrained him & suffer the meltdown. Surely any subsequent screaming would have galvinised your DP to leave?

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