would i be unreasonable to contact social services / nspcc ?

[shouldireport]

so as not to drip feed, i want to put as much info on my op as poss. so apologies if its long.

i have a friend with 2 dc. they are 5 YO and 6 months. she has a filthy house, i mean, floors caked with dust and filth, broken toys everywhere, old food left lying about. days and days worth of dirty pots all over the kitchen sides. random junk stacked up everywhere. the cooker, toaster, microwave etc is caked with brown filth. the whole house stinks as well as they never open the windows (or curtains). and the whole house is like it.

there are also 2 hamsters in a hamster cage in the kitchen ( ) that never gets cleaned out and stinks so bad of hamster-shit and wee, it honestly makes you gag when you walk in. (i actually feel sorry for the poor wee hamsters too :( )

i wish i could get across exactly how filthy the house is, its awful.

the 5 year old is always grubby and dirty, dirty hair and nails, clothes look very scruffy, too small for her, holes in clothes, shoes etc. the baby is better dressed but i think they may be still using all the new stuff they got for him when he was born. but he also is quite grubby, very long, dirty fingernails.

her bedroom is completely heartbreaking :( she has an old toddler bed just plonked in the middle of the room. no sheet or quilt or pillow. just a bare mattress and a grubby bare duvet, toddler size. not big enough for a five year old. her room is filled with crap, broken toys, clothes everywhere etc. and also dirty and dust-covered. there is no storage, her clothes etc are just strewn around the room. she regularly wets the bed as well.

she is also frightened of my friends P (not her real dad) he shouts at her all the time, calls her names and disciplines her by smacking her. and when my friend goes out without the dc (ie leaves them with her P) my friend tells her to stay in her bedroom until she gets back basically to keep her out of her P's way :( .

there is also an abusive situation going on with my friend and her P (he is mentally and financially abusive to her) but despite her coming to me and her other friends time and time again for advice, she won't do anything about it (ie kick him out) so to be honest my main concern now is for the dc, particularly the eldest but also now the baby is getting to a crawling age i dread to think of him crawling about in the dirt.

i think its probably the case that my friend is depressed and just not coping, and also her P does absolutely nothing round the house whatsoever, just leaves it all to her. he also wastes all their money (not that they have a lot, they are both on benefits) on gambling and stuff for himself. there is rarely enoough food or milk in the house.

i would hate the thought of her DC being taken away, i don't want that to happen to her, but i think something needs to be done. i know that the eldest DC's school has raised concerns as well. i am not nasty, i don't want to be malicious and i don't want to meddle, but i just have this horrible gut feeling it isn't right. and i am not the only one out of her friends. should i just stay out of it?

of course you should, the childs needs are being neglected. Call and make sure you tell them they need to visit rather than phone.

no, definitely report

sounds like she needs help and support from people empowered to give it

and her children need to live somewhere safe and secure

and I don't see reporting your valid concerns as being incompatible with being her friend, either

I would say YANBU. If I thought there was a way you could support her to make a change without trying 'the professionals' I would suggest that but IMO from what you've said, the situation sounds too bad to be easily solved.

You'll find that SS won't just leap in there and take the children away but will work with the family to improve things if they can. Hopefully it won't come to a situation where things get more serious.

Please don't delay though. It sounds like a dreadful situation for 2 young children to be in. Your description of the 5yo's room alone makes me want to cry.

Just as an aside - does your friend seem to know that this is unacceptable?

I very rarely say this on this type of thread, but in this case I would report.The dirt and stuff is not good, but I think the partner is the deal breaker.
Ps toddler beds are supposd to last until age 7

No question. Report it, today.

Social workers may be able to help her get out of that situation, if she sees that she has the support and will be expected to take the help to properly care for her children it may give her the incentive she needs to do something. It is not acceptable for any child to be filthy and starving (which is guaranteed if there is no food or milk in the home), it is unnecessary and would be wrong to keep these kids suffering in that situation out of misplaced loyalty to your friend.

I would have suggested you do a deep-clean, with your friend, help her. Give her the push she needs. Sort all the shit out and get some new stuff, even if it's charity shop furniture/bedding whatever, you must have stuff you don't use. Until I got to the bit about her partner.

Ring ss. Now, if you haven't already.

This definitely needs dealing with. With any luck, the intervention of SS will result in mum getting the push she needs to kick out her P, which might in itself help her MH and kick-start a chain reaction of improvements around the house, etc.

I don't know how close you are to your friend. Are you able to talk to her about this and tell her what you're doing, or will you have to do this secretly? Ideally you could talk about it (even if she's angry to begin with, she may well thank you later), but if you have to do it secretly, don't feel bad about it. The children have to come first and it's to your credit that you are prepared to get involved rather than turn a blind eye like so many.

I sympathise hugely though. What a horrible situation.

Report to social services and don't delay. If this is what you are seeing, there is probably much more that you are not. This would, in my view, meet the threshold for neglect, and possibly emotional harm.

You can remain annonymous is you want to, just call children's services in your area. If you don't want to call social services yourself, you can contact NSPCC, who will send your concerns to your local social services department who will likely undertake an unannounced visit to check out your concerns.

Parents with issues like this will often be able to access help and taking the children away will be the last thing on social workers minds if your friend will work with professionals to bring about change.

I didn't read all your OP, got to the bed- call SS, asap.

Most certainly call SS and get these children the help they need. They will not remove the children unless your friend actively prevents the childrens needs from being met. They will do all they can to assess the childrens needs and help your friend to be the parent she needs to be in order to do this.

That poor little girl
Can't you convince your friend to kick her dp out?

I usually despair when people suggest calling S.Services, but in this case it is a good idea . In these situations children's services will be looking to offer support and encouragement.

I used to work for social services and believe me the threshold for removing a child or even getting them on the 'at risk' register is prohibitively high; way above a mucky house and a wiffy hamster. But it does sound like you mate does need a bit of assistance in this case. But please use the regular number in office hours, rather than the emergency out of hours number.

Good luck.

I would have suggested doing a clean up with her, help her bath kids and do some washing for her but after reading the bit about the P i got concerned quite a lot.
I would phone to be honest as if anything happened with the P i would never forgive myself for not phoning. If i were u i would do it anoynomsly as your friend isnt going to thank you if she finds out it was you that called them.
Maybe she is depressed as most mothers keep on top of cleaning & laundry-it sounds to me like she has lost her way and the children are suffering for it.
Mess is one thing (some people live like that) but its the kids being dirty and the P that sound concerning
Make the call today it can only be a good thing-ss should help her before they take action in taking her children away.
Difficult situation as it is u being her friend but the children of society must come 1st

It's a no brainer. Report. Now.

This is disgusting.

She needs help. Phone them.

Please please call SS OP. I think you should have done already tbh.

You would be unreasonable to not phone social services or the NSPCC. Those children need help.

Is she dirty and unkempt like her children, or does she manage to make an effort when it comes to herself?

Find out where her doctor is and call her HV. She might have PND.

Call Social services today.

I'm honestly a bit that you wasted time posting on here instead of just phoning SS!!! Contact them immediately! Your friend and her children need support.

NEVER eVER tell anyone that you did though. xx