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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would i be unreasonable to contact social services / nspcc ?

107 replies

shouldireport · 28/03/2012 16:17

so as not to drip feed, i want to put as much info on my op as poss. so apologies if its long.

i have a friend with 2 dc. they are 5 YO and 6 months. she has a filthy house, i mean, floors caked with dust and filth, broken toys everywhere, old food left lying about. days and days worth of dirty pots all over the kitchen sides. random junk stacked up everywhere. the cooker, toaster, microwave etc is caked with brown filth. the whole house stinks as well as they never open the windows (or curtains). and the whole house is like it.

there are also 2 hamsters in a hamster cage in the kitchen ( Shock ) that never gets cleaned out and stinks so bad of hamster-shit and wee, it honestly makes you gag when you walk in. (i actually feel sorry for the poor wee hamsters too :( )

i wish i could get across exactly how filthy the house is, its awful.

the 5 year old is always grubby and dirty, dirty hair and nails, clothes look very scruffy, too small for her, holes in clothes, shoes etc. the baby is better dressed but i think they may be still using all the new stuff they got for him when he was born. but he also is quite grubby, very long, dirty fingernails.

her bedroom is completely heartbreaking :( she has an old toddler bed just plonked in the middle of the room. no sheet or quilt or pillow. just a bare mattress and a grubby bare duvet, toddler size. not big enough for a five year old. her room is filled with crap, broken toys, clothes everywhere etc. and also dirty and dust-covered. there is no storage, her clothes etc are just strewn around the room. she regularly wets the bed as well.

she is also frightened of my friends P (not her real dad) he shouts at her all the time, calls her names and disciplines her by smacking her. and when my friend goes out without the dc (ie leaves them with her P) my friend tells her to stay in her bedroom until she gets back basically to keep her out of her P's way :( .

there is also an abusive situation going on with my friend and her P (he is mentally and financially abusive to her) but despite her coming to me and her other friends time and time again for advice, she won't do anything about it (ie kick him out) so to be honest my main concern now is for the dc, particularly the eldest but also now the baby is getting to a crawling age i dread to think of him crawling about in the dirt.

i think its probably the case that my friend is depressed and just not coping, and also her P does absolutely nothing round the house whatsoever, just leaves it all to her. he also wastes all their money (not that they have a lot, they are both on benefits) on gambling and stuff for himself. there is rarely enoough food or milk in the house.

i would hate the thought of her DC being taken away, i don't want that to happen to her, but i think something needs to be done. i know that the eldest DC's school has raised concerns as well. i am not nasty, i don't want to be malicious and i don't want to meddle, but i just have this horrible gut feeling it isn't right. and i am not the only one out of her friends. should i just stay out of it?

OP posts:
Heswall · 28/03/2012 23:09

I have heard of SS paying for a cleaning team to come around and blitz the place from top to bottom, replace carpets, buy beds and bedding etc, all of which is cheaper than a week in foster care and they can then document that everything has been done to help the family.

Devora · 28/03/2012 23:21

Let us know how you get on, OP.

Columbia999 · 28/03/2012 23:34

Please ring social services, OP, I know it's daunting and you wonder if you're doing the right thing, but trust me, you are. They will support your friend and help her to try and come through this; they aren't in the business of breaking up families and will do all they can to help her to manage.
I hope she manages to find the courage to ditch this abusive and horrible man, and make a better life for herself and her children. Glad she has a friend like you.

Berating the OP for not ringing social services immediately is not helpful, it's a big thing to do, and she's right to have thought it through and asked advice.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/03/2012 23:46

Tell them everything you know and the SW who interviews will know to be wary of what the P says (they would be anyway). I used to work for SS and can tell you that I knew people were nervous when we visited but it can change people's lives for the better. They tend not to be the people who call the Daily Mail and tell their story so SS never get the kudos they deserve.

welovesausagedogs · 28/03/2012 23:50

No, they need your help. Social services aren't the enemy and will give you friend the support she needs e.g. arranging for us to stay in a women's refuge to escape the partner. You have to think about the children most of all, and neglect is really damaging and if it can be prevented then everything should be done in order to stop it happening.

ICutMyFootOnOccamsRazor · 29/03/2012 01:55

This sounds really awful. Those poor children. And your poor friend is clearly waaay out of her depth.

Please call SS so someone can help them. That poor little girl. I could cry.

ilikecandyandrunning · 29/03/2012 06:40

Please make sure you tell ss how urgent this situation is. Please update us. Have you posted this before? Seems familiar.

lesley33 · 29/03/2012 08:01

There is lots of online stuff about people living in squalor. One of the things that many seem to say is that clearing up a house for someone doesn't work - it usually quickly backs into its original state. The person living there has to be involved in doing the tidying up/cleaning for it to be maintained. Although I know there are other serious issues here.

AutumnSummers · 29/03/2012 08:43

When I said to call HV, I meant to say "Also call HV" If Mum does have PND she's not likely to be able to give the kids a decent home to come back to if they get taken into care. I fully support calling SS, but Mum obviously needs help too and for the sake of her kids.

somewherewest · 29/03/2012 09:05

'Protecting Our Children' (recent fly on the wall BBC documentary on Bristol SS) had a similar case involving a mother suffering from depression and her 9 year old daughter, except it was a bit more extreme (they were using the bath as a toilet). If I recall correctly the daughter went into temporary foster care while the SS put support in place for the mother, which included giving her a lot of help to sort out their home. It sounds like the partner is the root of the problem here though...

HairyLemon · 29/03/2012 10:06

YANBU on the basis of the P only, if it was just the grubby house then Id say reporting to SS / NSPCC might be an overreaction at this stage.

but definitely do something because of the P, he sounds like a proper shit Angry

TroublesomeEx · 29/03/2012 10:30

Report. No hesitation. SS don't just swoop in and remove the children. That's not how it works. The current remit is to keep children with families as far as is possible.

She will need to show that she prioritises the children's needs over hers and P's though.

pohara · 29/03/2012 10:46

I would be concerned, too. And I would probably phone. But don't be surprised if they don't rush in all guns blazing.

I used to work with a little girl in London whose bed was a pile of old clothes. She didn't have any of her own clothes so wore whatever she could find from her mum.

The parents were heroin addicts and mostly sat infront of tv huddled in blankets and smoking.

The children were rarely fed and only went to school on an occasional basis, but it was deemed that the children were not at risk.

Shiregirl · 29/03/2012 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lesley33 · 29/03/2012 10:52

Sometimes as well having an official in from outside telling you how bad it has got and that the situation in your home is unacceptable, can be enough to push people to improve things. IMO it can be easy for things to slowly get worse and not realise just how bad it has got.

pohara - My experience in London too. But some areas have lower levels of concern to intervene. Depends on the area, how resourced SS is and the sheer number of horrific cases.

lesley33 · 29/03/2012 10:52

Sorry by intervene I don't mean take kids into care, I mean to actually get stuck in and help the family.

LittleWhiteMice · 29/03/2012 11:53

honestly?

Id tell her that someone you know is planning on reporting her. Tell her the house isnt clean enough and the children need a proper bedroom.

Then help her do.

If she cant keep it up then look at other avenues.

tethersend · 29/03/2012 12:21

I would absolutely not do that, sorry Little.

If abuse is happening, telling her this risks her and her DP taking steps to cover it up.

Many abusive/neglectful families move frequently to avoid SS involvement.

rhibutterfly · 29/03/2012 12:27

I WOULD CALL STRAIGHT AWAY, DIRT CAN BEEN CLEANED BUT AN ABUSIVE PARTNER/STEP-PARENT IS HARDER TO DEAL WITH, YOUR FRIEND NEEDS PROFFESIONAL HELP OP

pumpkinsweetie · 29/03/2012 12:54

Did u phone them?

Heswall · 29/03/2012 13:11

I would want to do that little white mice and if it wasn't for the boyfriend maybe that would work but a 5 year old shouldn't be hiding in her bedroom because she is frightened in her own home. Imagine that it must be just awful.

cestlavielife · 29/03/2012 13:41

where does the mother go out to? if p is contorlling etc whre does he "allow" her to go out to -is it to work.

what is "worst" that could happen if you report ?- that th children get "taken away" - yes to a nice clean temporary foster care family with safety and security? that is surely a good outcome if mother is unable to care for them right now, in the situation she finds herself.

and the mother can then be helped to sort out her life,.. yes she is being controlled by abusive partner but she needs to be the one to ask for help. you could also give her womens aid number to call.

but priority is getting children away form this environment and if that means short term foster care with visiting contact with mum then so be it...however it is not a likely outcome unless things are even worse than you say...

GreenPetal94 · 29/03/2012 19:58

Why not come back to the thread and say whether you phoned, surely that's the point of the thread in the first place

Original poster
shouldireport · 30/03/2012 07:58

cestlavie the mother rarely goes out. i don't want to give too much detail but the times i am talking about where she has been out and asked the older dc to wait in her bedroom was when we used to go to a fitness class together. i would pick her up and take her. her P didn't like this but grudgingly "let" Hmm her go. he would ring her at least twice while she was out though. but we don't go anymore :(

i have filled in an online report on the nspcc website. i have given my details (ie name and contact number) in case they need to contact me for more information. i am worried that it will come to light that it is me who reported them. i rang the helpline as well before i did so, to ask if the family could ever find out it was me, but they said, although it was very very unlikely i would be named to the family, they could not guarantee it. so i am taking a risk here i know, but i know its for the greater good of those dc.

has anyone else got any experience of doing this? what happens next?

OP posts:
ComposHat · 30/03/2012 09:15

that th children get "taken away" - yes to a nice clean temporary foster care family with safety and security

I don't imagine that it will come to this.

I would also caution against such a rose tinted view of those providing foster care. I had a similar view before working for s.services.

Whilst the majority were very good and clearly had the best interests of the children and young people at heart, a significant minority basically doing it for the money, the kids they were supposedly caring for were often poorly clothed, dirty and in need of a haircut, despite them being well paid and the kids supposedly having an allowance/pocket money for clothes etc. In a fair few cases creaming off the money from a foster placement was such a good earner that in a number of these cases no one in the house went out to work.

I raised concerns about one particular girl with her social worker and was told that whilst it wasn't ideal, that they didn't want to disrupt the placement and that there was a chronic lack of other placements available. So she was prepared to turn a blind eye.