would you "pay " for a place at a wedding ?

[BahrainB]

My cousin and his long term girlfriend are marrying at the Ritz in London in the summer and at Christmas asked us to save the date and for our boys to be involved . Most of her family live in Austraila
I booked flights from our home in Dubai and a extortionately inflated ( Olympics are on at the same time ) holiday let .
Today I recieved the official invite which along with Harrods wedding list details was a little printed note - I want to give an extrodinary day surrounded with all our beloved friends and family I am asking for the more fortunate amongst us to contribute £500 per couple so everyone can be here .
We promise exceptional wines and a lovely time . Ax

OMG - Am I livid .
I'm being asked to fund other guests travel ? or pay for our place at a wedding
that is really too OTT in my opinion .
I'm too embarrassed to discuss with my husband .
What would you do ?

This is officially the most outrageous wedding thing I have ever read anywhere. They're giving their guests a choice between feeling blackmailed or patronised. What larks!

Rude beyond belief.

sorry loads of cross posts.

Oh god the poor bride having her rellies from down under flown in to bring down the tone ....
Perhaps that's why she's done this do everyone will send back piss off notes which she can show to her mum - sorry I tried everything - kind of thing.

Actually, as the groom is your cousin, send him an e-mail (so he'll definately forward it on to bridezilla!) saying how offended you are that you've paid out so much for this wedding already and are now being asked to give cash to fund it further. If they had a limited budget for the wedding which needed to include flights for the bride's family, they should have picked a cheaper venue and used the difference to pay for flights.

Suggest you are now considering not going, he must realise he's caused massive offence and there will be an air of bitterness on his wedding day at those who've been asked to pay to attend.

How're rude I would no go. Unless the couple are really dense I am sure they will have a. Idea of why people are declining

Your husband would be right.

That is so unbelievable I'm struggling to actually believe it. But if it is true, I woudo say you should go to the wedding and just not mention the money. If she mentions it, you can say you didnt think it woudo apply to you as you had to pay for travle and accomodation, or say that you are delighted that she is offering to pay for your transport costs, but you would never expect anyone else to pay for your travel. And go off list for your gift. It will probably be a lovely wedding, and if not at least the food should be good.

I mean, can you imagine what the other invites say?

'We really want you to be with us to share in our lavish wedding at the Ritz, but understand that your miserable financial situation makes it harder for you than for our more successful friends. Therefore we'll be putting you in touch with a 'wedding sponsor' who will subsidise your flight. Just a thought - but perhaps you could draw them a picture of your smiling faces at the airport? It adds a personal touch! Ax'

sounds like the principle of progressive taxation to me "those with the broadest shoulders..."

i would just bin this note tbh, they are not hmrc

Well tbh I like the idea of him trying to get his future wife´s family over.

What EverybodysSleepy said - since you are forking out for flights from the other side of the world and accommodation, I would say you're entitled to your £500 sponsorship!!!

If they are holding the wedding in London to avoid the "feral" Aussie rellies attending then presumably she won't be too bothered if they don't make it. The feral rellies might mind though.

Where I used to live (ex-Soviet country) it was normal to pay for your seat at a wedding dinner. The weddings were huge and most people couldn't afford to pay for everyone's dinner, so there was an amount everyone was expected to donate to cover the (ridiculously large and wasteful) meal. You weren't expected to give a present though. Not saying this is the same as OP's situation but just thought worth mentioning that paying for your seat is not totally unusual.

wowza!

YANBU, obviously.

But I appreciate you don't want to get into an argument with anyone either...

I would just totally ignore that last bit about the £500, and assume it didn't apply to me (not least because you're spending so much more than that just getting your own family over there) and let it become Somebody Else's Problem.

Realistically, someone else in your family (your mum/dad/grandparents/cousins etc) is going to say something to your Aunt and Uncle about this fairly soon. So just sit tight, ignore, and let us know what happens...

This takes some sort of prize for most outrageous wedding request.

If she has family that can't afford to fly to Oz then they should have had a cheaper (not at the Ritz) do here with UK family. Then the couple could have afforded to have gone to Oz and had a blessing there with Oz relatives.

OP This reminds me of my brother in law's 'wedding'.

Invitations went out with the name of one very posh London venue on it, gift list at Waterford Wedgewood- but guess what? Calls from bridesmaids three wks before event- it's all been reorganised, "problem" with the Langham, it's now here [Not post place near Holborn.]

I was personally hit up for £2K to fund it (well he pretended it was for something else). BIL then behaved disgracefully towards me when I refused to stump up the cash.

Anyway it lasted six wks. Literally - split after the honeymoon.

viva EXACTLY THAT.

:o wildfig

Is that what ** is then? the invitation has comefrom the groom?

This is just another spin on the MN gift lists / money as presents debate though isn't it?

It will descend into heated debate about how grasping this is. In fact it already has.

Personally I don't think it is wrong to ask for money instead of presents or to have a gift list but that is just me and what the people I know do.

Just to put a different spin on it, my sister who married a guy from nz asked for money instead of presents to put towards furniture for their house. This is very much the normal thing to do in nz and so although she cringed about it a bit went along with it. Plus there was no way they could have taken presents from the UK back to their home in nz after their wedding. Maybe this is culturally more acceptable in Australia which is why they have done it?

I had a standard wedding list plus note that presence was more important than presents and it was there if people wanted not as a request. I would never dream of doing what the op cousin had as I think it is crass and grasping but I think the principle isn't unreasonable if he had been more thoughtful about how he presented it.

Wow. That goes waaay beyond unreasonable. It was already unreasonable when they expected you to shell out for expensive flights from another country plus overpriced accommodation. Now it's waving at unreasonable from far far away and sticking two fingers up.

I would phone and ask whether the note was to let you know that you were included within the group that the bride and groom planned to subsidise travel costs for- given that, as you have now spent £2000 (or whatever) on their wedding, you do not have the budget to pay an extra £500 for anyone else.

If the bride's family can't travel, then the bride and groom should have a UK ceremony and then a blessing or whatever in Australia. Or they could have a cheaper wedding and pay for their own sodding guests.

Am stunned.

This is the best AIBU wedding type thread ever. What kind of moron has a wedding reception at the Ritz (and there are far far classier places in London) if they need to send out begging letters to enable it? And during the Olympics too? Words almost fail me.

I'd cancel tbh.

GM I think if it is typical culture then it's different

oh my lord, my MIL was aghast that we included a wedding list in our invites -asking people to pay!! Especially when people are already paying to get there!
Whilst I understand that they want there friends and family to be able to come, they should have spent less on the venue if financial suppport was going to be needed.
If however you look at this another way this really is no different from couples who already have loads of stuff asking for money for there honeymoon, etc instead of gifts. They want money, they just want it before so the wedding is complete.

What all brides/bridegrooms who ask for money seem to forget is that a wedding gift should be a personal gift from the guest to the bride and groom and have nothing to do with money or financial value.

i read it that they were asking for money for other guests travel and accommodation costs, not for the wedding itself