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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have debts on a credit card that is my own credit card

134 replies

tinkhassprung · 27/03/2012 14:34

hi

i have debts on a credit card that is mine
dont see why i should tell dh

OP posts:
EasyOnTheChips · 27/03/2012 19:13

The minimisation of the DV is appalling. I'm ashamed of some posters on this thread and the other one.

MmeLindor. · 27/03/2012 19:21

It is a mess.

Tink
you would be so much better (from a financial pov) to confess to your DH and pay off the Very a/c as soon as possible at a lower rate of interest.

I can understand that you don't want to do this, and that he will be angry with you but a clean slate is needed.

However, that is without taking the slap into account. No matter how angry he was, he should not have hit you. That is simply inacceptable.

And I am not quite sure how you can have a household income of £40k, a mortgage of £600 and have so little money left over. By my (very guessed) reckoning you would have about:

Council tax £200
Water/Gas £150
Childcare £ 500
Food £500
Mortgage £600
Phone £50

That brings us to about £2k a month. There should be about another £500 left from his wages. Does he have other debts?

AllthatshewantsisanotherBBaby · 27/03/2012 19:38

Thanks stranded i wanted to make sure i had all the facts. Tink love what a mess, i didnt realise it was so bad, i second kayz when i say use the wagon if you need too x

tinkhassprung · 27/03/2012 21:58

the other £500 stays in his current account for petrol etc and he alsosaves

OP posts:
D0oinMeCleanin · 27/03/2012 22:00

Why does he not buy the presents with the savings and the clothes? What about your lunches out etc.?

MmeLindor. · 27/03/2012 22:14

Tink
I still don't get it.

He saves approx £300 a month but you have to buy clothes and stuff for the girls from your £135.

Thumbwitch · 27/03/2012 22:17

I think you probably need the services of a financial adviser, both of you - as well as some relationship help.

If your spending is as profligate as you're suggesting, then it's more sensible to have separate accounts so you don't have access to the temptation of the joint account for random spending - but what are you spending the money on that's so bad? Do you overspend on clothes/ presents/ trivia?

The slap is bad. Did your DH apologise? Was he upset? Or did he/you somehow think it was justified? Because it isn't. And you both need to fully realise that.

I've gathered that all the info isn't on this thread so I don't want to make a fool of myself but I think you really need outside help - please seek some.

D0oinMeCleanin · 27/03/2012 22:18

Not only that but there's approx 300 left over each month yet he 'gets cross' enough to slap you when you spend how much?

Leaving your spending issues aside here. Tink, there is something very wrong in this relationship.

rhondajean · 27/03/2012 22:21

Don't want to get too involved but very surprised if he has 500 a month left.

Do you have sky tv?
Do you pay a tv license?
Do you have a car? Who pays insurance, road tax, mot, repairs, petrol?
Do you have life insurance?
Do you pay a factor ( many new build developments do, even detached houses)
Do you pay buildings and contents insurance?
Do you between you have a y gym memberships, club memberships, out of school activities for the children, etc?
Do the two of you have mobile phones?
Do you have travel costs eg season tickets, monthly passes etc?

Cos I've just accounted pretty much for the "missing" 500 if so, based on costs for us. It is possible that they both have the same amount of money left actually. Bit unfair he doesn't help with clothes etc for the kids though, but he could actually have less money at the end of the month than the op.

Just saying.

rhondajean · 27/03/2012 22:23

Oh and didn't she say they are moving, of course he's saving, conveyancing costs, estate agents, moving costs, new carpets blinds curtains etc?

D0oinMeCleanin · 27/03/2012 22:27

So if they are that skint why does he get to eat out for lunch each work day? Why not take a cheap pack up?

Could it be that they are not that skint afterall he just wants op to think they are?

rhondajean · 27/03/2012 22:31

Look I'm not saying they are or aren't skint, and I'm certainly not saying what anyone should eat for lunch, but the thing is we don't know and neither does op and thats the problem surely, not trying to work out how much he is or isn't "hoarding"?

NoWayNoHow · 27/03/2012 22:41

tink I don't know why you started this thread, tbh, based on the last.

Your DH is the only earner in your marriage, he's labouring under the mistaken impression that you are using your benefits every month to spend on the DCs when you're actually using it to pay off £1,300 of debt. He needs to be able to budget what little money your family has left over after bills etc. He can't do that if he thinks you (plural, a family) are £135 a month better off than you actually are.

Will it be his fault if your DC loses a school jumper, needs to buy a new one from the school, and you can't afford it because he doesn't know he needs to be setting extra cash aside for these kinds of expenditures?

You both came to a mutual agreement that he would pay the bulk of his salary into the joint account for the mortgage, bills and food. You both agreed that he would then use what little he had left for petrol for work, to treat the girls occasionally and to get lunch at work. You both agreed that you would use your benefits for monthly expenses for the DDs.

Your are lying to him. You have run up debt buying things for the girls that they don't need; things that make (by your own admission) a small, cramped house even smaller.

You seem to think that your DH won't find out if you don't tell him. He will. As I said on your other thread, he is going to twig something is up when you keep going to him to get money for things that you both agreed would come out of your benefits. He is going to wonder where £100 a month (that you're paying towards the different credit card debts) is going. He will ask questions.

If you're comfortable lying to him indefinitely (because that's a large amount that will take a while to pay off), then go right ahead. But that's no kind of marriage.

Serenitysutton · 27/03/2012 22:43

I agree with Rhonda when I was on £40k I didn't take home 2,500- pension, benefits, student loan- easily diminish that.

Tbh the slap isnt excusable but you just don't sound any good for each other. I'm not sure what to advise because tbh you don't come across as very capable. Is there anything you think would help this situation?

tinkhassprung · 28/03/2012 08:04

thankyou ladies for all your comments itake on board what people have said
i spoke to dh last nite said i have avery account i am paying it off

OP posts:
Voidka · 28/03/2012 09:44

How did it go?

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 28/03/2012 09:56

How are you doing today Tink?

amillionyears · 28/03/2012 12:30

Do you think you know why you overspend?
I read on a different thread that you have always overspent in your life, even as a child.
My humble guess is that you have unresolved issues from your childhood.
And these are at the root of many of your issues today.
Please open up as much as you can to the counsellor.

Do you have someone in real life to confide in confidentially?

tinkhassprung · 30/03/2012 11:00

hi ladies
told counsellor about dh hitting me - it was nice to tell someone
i have stopped spending online
havent bought anything in last 2 days from very or amazon
dh didnt say much about very

OP posts:
QZ · 30/03/2012 20:36

Hi tink, glad to hear this. Does this mean you've told DH about the Very debt.
Have a good (spend-free) weekend anyway x Smile

choccytink · 02/04/2012 12:40

well i spoke to dh and told him that i have debts on a very account
and that i have a mbna amazon credit
he knows that i have debt , just not how much
he didnt say much

LoveHandles88 · 02/04/2012 13:43

Are you the same woman that spent huge amounts on her dc, and spent less on your sdc?
If you are, then yabu. If you run up debt, that's your choice. If you run up debt spending on completely unnecessary items, that's ridiculous. If you are the same woman, I'd be mightily surprised if your dp wasn't peeved.
£10p/w, it may take some time clearing your debt.

LoveHandles88 · 02/04/2012 13:44

Your dh should NEVER hit you. No matter what. That is disgusting behaviour!!!

choccytink · 02/04/2012 20:24

love handles - does sdc - mean sisters dc

nickelhasababy · 03/04/2012 11:20

step-children.