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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL just had a rant down the phone at me - DD hasn't been wearing her brace and MIL thinks I should 'make' her.

125 replies

sandyballs · 26/03/2012 11:32

How exactly do I 'make' an 11 year old wear a brace. Forcibly pin her down and shove it in?

Why does interfering MIL think it is that easy. 'Just make her, I would, just tell her and she should do it'.

I've tried bribing, begging, telling her horror stories about dodgy adult teeth.

OP posts:
diddl · 26/03/2012 11:33

Why/how does MIL even know this?

Sometimes, stuff is just best kept to yourself!

Original poster
sandyballs · 26/03/2012 11:34

She collects the DD's from school a couple of times a week so knows the ins and outs of a cats arse about our lives.

OP posts:
Scholes34 · 26/03/2012 11:35

Perhaps MIL should direct her rant to DD instead.

Ragwort · 26/03/2012 11:37

Just keep calm and ask your MIL to talk directly to your DD about it ........

Mrsjay · 26/03/2012 11:38

If your DD isnt wearing her brace she needs to chat to her orthidonist about it , nothing to do with your MIl at all , dd2 was awful with her brace dd1 was fab with hers and did all the treatment fine , anyway dd2 wouldnt wear it wouldnt do the screw on it weekly and was Rubbish cleaning it , After months of back and forward to the ortho , I just said I am stopping her treatment , she does have a squint tooth but thats her problem , I tried everything ,

Original poster
sandyballs · 26/03/2012 11:38

I wonder if DH was such an easy child, MIL just told him to do something and he did it, immediately, without question. I very much doubt it somehow.

OP posts:
diddl · 26/03/2012 11:39

Oh dear!

Why doesn´t your daughter want to wear it?

Should she be wearing it at school-is that the problem?

My son-15-only got his recently after years of waiting & although he really wanted it the novelty soon wears off!

Well, I think he forgets as much as anything.

He has been told not to wear it at school, though.

AKissIsNotAContract · 26/03/2012 11:41

Go back to the orthodontist. Are you getting the treatment on the NHS? If so she is very lucky, funding is limited and if you stop treatment now the money can be spent on someone who will wear the brace.

You can't force her and it's none of your mil's business.

Original poster
sandyballs · 26/03/2012 11:52

It is on the NHS as it is so bad, she has a bad over bite, they grade them now don't they and it's only funded if it is considered bad enough. We were told the complete course of treatment would be over £3K so I agree if she's not going to bother wearing it then someone else could benefit.

She'll regret it hugely when she's in her teens. She shoudl be wearing it 24/7 for four months to improve the over bite and then a permanent train track style brace will be fitted to correct her front teeth for a year or so. The one she has at the moment is huge and bulky, top and bottom, and I can see how uncomfortable it is, it forces her bottom jaw out and she can't speak properly. But she isn't giving herself a chance to get used to it.

OP posts:
Catsmamma · 26/03/2012 12:00

you should tell mil to direct her advice to dd

and I'd cancel the orthodontist appointments if she is not going to wear it. Save all the aggro and nagging.

Your last post is spot on tbh, we have been through this already with ds2 and I do think the sooner they start the better the results are, he had a retainer/clip in brace and despite predictions he'd be in that full time for probably four months at least, he was down to night time only after six weeks. Then we had 18 months off for some more adult teeth to arrive...my children hang on to their baby teeth, and he now has the fixed braces, again we have had a spectacular improvement in three months so.

Mrsjay · 26/03/2012 12:03

Sandyballs (great name hehehe ) i think you should speak to the dentist about it , maybe she is to young to cope with it ATM It is a lot for some kids ,

shoppingbagsundereyes · 26/03/2012 12:05

I can see your MIL's point. Orthodontics are expensive, what a waste of the dentist's time and the NHS money if she isn't going to wear it. My nephew refuses to wear his and I think my sister should insist upon it.

plantsitter · 26/03/2012 12:10

My parents didn't get me one because I played the flute and it ruins the sound. I don't know if they thought I was going to be a concert flautist or what. (free on NHS at that time).

If you want, I will send your DD a pic of my teeth now. I bet it will convince her.

blubberyboo · 26/03/2012 12:33

bit harsh on MIL she obviously just cares about her gc and she knows she will regret it in later years. maybe she isn't vocalising it very well to you but i don't think you should take it to heart so much. she does have a right to be concerned. you both agree that this is the best thing for your dd.

instead of falling out over it you should work together to encourage dd to wear the braces. perhaps remove a privilege or a treat and ask for mil's support eg grounding, no sweets no mobile...whatever you think. maybe MIL could offer a special treat for whenever treatment is finished...holiday new trainers etc

WorraLiberty · 26/03/2012 12:36

Sorry but I think your MIL's got a point

What's the point in having a brace if you don't wear it? And as for being dictated to by an 11yr old...WTF??

I would take your DD back to the Orthodontist and tell him/her that she's not wearing it.

Also, tell your DD that you're going to ask for one that can't be removed...even if that's a white lie Wink

SoupDragon · 26/03/2012 12:39

I make DSs wear theirs by being plain nasty. I also ban them from computer games etc unless they are wearing them - and bear in mind they have been wearing them since they were 7

winnybella · 26/03/2012 12:39

You say that you've tried begging and bribing...How about withdrawal of priviledges/punishment? She's 11, not 21.

You'll be doing her a favour. Your MIL is right.

squeakytoy · 26/03/2012 12:41

I agree with Worra and Winny.

She is 11, you are the adult, she is the child.

carabos · 26/03/2012 12:44

DS1 refused to wear his brace. Point blank refused, wouldn't cooperate with the orthodontist to the point where he refused to treat DS anymore. DS was 12. His teeth are absolutely appalling now and he still has issues about going to the dentist (god knows why).

You can't force her, all you can do is tell her that its much more difficult to correct her teeth when she's older, and that probably she will regret it. However, its not much of a message to send to an 11 year-old that her looks aren't ideal and she should be thinking about changing them.

queenrollo · 26/03/2012 12:45

1/ tell your MIL to back off (in whatever way you find appropriate)

2/ ask your othodontist to sit and have a really, really good chat with your daughter about the implications of not wearing the brace.

3/ look into whether putting the treatment off for a couple of years is viable.

When I was 11 my mother forced me to have lots of cosmetic dental work. I hated it. At no point were any of the treatments/outcomes disucssed with me. I swear if she'd left me until I was 13 or 14 I'd have willingly undergone it all, but instead we had years of me (physically) fighting my parents before every appt because by then I was so pissed off and traumatised by it all.

By the time I was 16 I'd come round to the idea of a fixed brace - I got a new orthodontist who spoke to meand not over me at my parents. My teeth were lovely and straight for 8 years. Then my wisdom teeth came through and basically my teeth have gone right back where they were Sad

And the long term results of this is that I had all that NHS money and time spent on my teeth, but was so traumatised that as soon as I wasn't being forced there by my mother I stopped going. Really counter-productive.

You need to find out why she doesn't wear it. Only then will you figure out whether you can progress with this or leave it until she is older.

WorraLiberty · 26/03/2012 12:47

all you can do is tell her that its much more difficult to correct her teeth when she's older, and that probably she will regret it

No, you can do much more than that...like punishing her for being disobedient?

Also, teeth are not just about looks, they're about maintaining healthy gums for the rest of her life so there's no need to even mention looks.

flipflopper · 26/03/2012 12:49

Sandyballs, my dd sounds exactly the same as yours, she has been given a removable brace top and bottom, with blocks to push out her lower jaw, along with other problems of teeth being all over the place!

They are extremely hard to get used to, it totally changes you mouth, makes it very difficult to eat and talk, so big big sympathies to your dd. I have been very lucky with my dd that she has been wearing it all the time, and after 3 months, there has been a massive improvement.

I really think you need to be a bit hard on her, maybe take her back to the dentist for a talking to. It would be such a shame for her not to have the treatment while it is free, she will def regret it when she is older!

Let us know how you get on with it x

winnybella · 26/03/2012 12:54

Seriously, what is it with parents thinking an 11yo can do as she pleases?

I am willing to allow my children choose the clothes they want to wear to school, the playground they want to go to, the books they want to read etc.

In matters of their health or security it's me who has the last word.

igggi · 26/03/2012 12:55

I suppose you "make her" in the same way you make her clean her teeth, do her homework, go to bed?
(Said by woman with rampant misbehaving pre-schooler, but I'm hoping I'll have got the hang of it by 11!)

queenrollo · 26/03/2012 12:55

if it's making it difficult for her to talk then maybe that's a big issue with her not wanting to wear it at school. I got picked on mercilessly when I wore my brace to school.

I know this will improve their appearance and in some cases it's necessary for dental health but I actually feel quite sad at suggestions of punishing children for not wearing a brace.
That is exactly what my mother did and quite frankly to this day I resent her for it.