to feel upset and defeated and not know what to do next?

[extremepie]

Ok, bit of a long one but here is the short(ish) version:

My DS1 was 5 in Feb, and is not in school. He was offered a school place at a school just under 2 miles from our house, despite there being 9 schools closer to us, one of them being just 500m from us.

We cannot send him to the school he has been offered.

He is currently attending the same pre-school as his brother who has just turned 4 but will not be able to return after easter as he is too old, meaning that after easter he will have no pre-school or school place and will just be sitting at home with us until a place at the closer school comes up (he is currently on the waiting list)

DS2 has autism so we have a TeamAroundFamily thing set up with social services to try and help us get them both into school (amongst other things) and they have assisted me in appealing for the closer school under rule 2 - special social or medical needs. We sent them a whole bunch of reports from our paediatrician, speech therapist, SENCO, just about everyone officially connected to our family, outlining our needs as a family for both DS's to attend this particular school. I also wrote a letter myself.

Got a letter yesterday saying that they had considered our information and decided that it doesn't sufficiently prove that the particular school we want fulfills our needs.

This basically now means that DS1 has no school place and will not get one in the forseeable future unless by some miracle enough children leave the school for him to be offered a place.

I don't know what to do now. I have honestly done everything I can think of and none of it is working. Want to bash my head against a brick wall!!

Any ideas? Help!

I don't expect everyone to agree with me, you're entitled to your opinion.

In this case your opinion that I have it easy it wrong but you are more than welcome to think that, just don't expect me to sit there quietly and agree with you!

It's not about me stamping my feet like a spoilt brat and moaning because I'm not 'getting my own way', it is about doing what I feel is best for my children in the circumstances we have.

I would expect any other parent to do the same.

That means trying my hardest to find any way to provide what I feel is the best option for them, not accepting a lesser option which I feel will be detrimental to all of us.

I realise I'm not the only one struggling in this area, the whole issue of schools is way way bigger than just be and my family! I'm hoping when we move it will become a little bit easier.

Have you applied for DLA as that money is towards paying for things like a special pushchair? I personally would try contacting a few local businesses to see if they could chip in in return to some free publicity in the local rag.

But you are stamping your feet. You haven't got what you want/need. So ds1 is not going at all. I can understand you not sending, but to have not started to Home ed? Not to have spoken to the HT of the school about the situation to see if they can support you/accept there maybe lateness on occassion? Not even attempted to get him there.
DDs school heard a rumour (damn the playground parents) that I was ill, because dh now does the school run. They called me to see if we needed help. I was confused as the HT assumed I was ill and knew what she was talking about. But she mentioned a buddy system where people take eachothers kids (like a walking bus), not all schools do this but this school may be able to help and get you son in school.
Have you done any of this? IMO you should be doing this as well as trying to get you son in your chosen school.

Just looked on ebay 150 pounds for a buggy at buy it now.

Sorry Birds, that was at Quintessential, not you!

I know what you mean, and it doesn't really help than I don't have any friends with children who know what I mean and how hard it can be.

Interestingly, the only person I do know with a child (who is the same age as DS1) put in a late application to the school we did the first appeal for and got him in straight away (even though he lived in another part of the country at the time) because his son had been in care and was therefore top priority.

They even put the class sixe up from 30 to 31 for him.

Although I completely understand why this exception was made for him it was maddening for me at the time when we were trying so hard to get DS1 a school place.

OP, you are getting an unreasonably hard time here and I think you will get more constructive help from the SN board. I can quite understand how walking two miles each way four times a day with an autistic four year old and tired five year old is more than "a bit of a challenge".

Your ds1 is only 5, being at home is not ruining his life. I would say your priorities are to finish your course so you can get a job, sort out schooling for ds2 then concentrate on getting ds1 a sibling place at the same school (or one you can organise getting him to once ds2 is sorted). Home ed for a 5 year old is not difficult, in fact you are probably doing it already. If dh can do some reading up about it (home ed board here is great) he can see to that on the two mornings ds2 is at pre-school and I'm sure you already read with him, encourage mark-making, count things etc.

Don't feel bad, you are doing your best - good luck.

Thank you KateF :)

For the past year I've felt so awful about the fact that he will missing out on going to school with his friends and learning the things he needs to know - I cried on the first day of school in September because all up and down our road were kids DS1's age decked out in their uniforms off to school and he wasn't.

I felt like it was my fault, like I had done something wrong or I could have tried harder, which is silly but you can't help but feel responsible when things don't go to plan :)

I have posted on SN board but not had much response yet.

I have started doing some home ed but I'm never sure if what I'm doing is enough - he has a phonics dvd which he loves, and he goes to his grandma on the weekends so she can take him out to the woods and give him some undivided attention (they do nature walks and stuff, it's quite cute!).

I do what I can but when I'm not here it's difficult for DH with DS2 taking up a lot of his time :)

Hopefully in a month's time DS2 will have a place at the closer school and we can go from there!

It's March so not long to end of year. I would stop fretting and just say you are home tutoring. One year of primary school not that vital imo, perhaps a teacher will come on and correct me, as long as he is given help to catch up later.

Would have thought that not being able to get to school as risk with DS2 (presumably there are cars and you are not on the isle of skye) is valid reason imo. Think problem is that it is DS2 with probs and not DS1 so they first only look at the child applying for place - but which will be taken into consideration once DS2 at school as you said.

HOme tutor as best you can until he is given nearer school.

If you are going to be job hunting there may be a requirement to relocate altogether anyway.

Can DS1 be tucked up in a zbed in the kitchen. Worth it imo to make sure he gets rest. He'll only think this strange if someone tells him it is. You might need to change your breakfast habits though.

Is there a support group for parents of DS2 sn - DH could perhaps socialise there with DS1 and DS2 and get advice.

I'm sure the phonics DVD and 1:1 time with grandma are fantastic. BBC Bitesize and CBeebies games are also good and the BBC Schools website has lots of resources if you/dh have time to look at them. Looking at books, going to the library, walks in the woods, playdough, lego, drawing, doing shopping and learning what the different coins are - all good stuff for a five year old.
If he misses his friends maybe going to Beavers or football or swimming would help.

I home-edded my dyslexic/autistic traits dd2 at age 5 and age 8 because of school nightmares-she is now in Year 6 and doing well. There are some very helpful people on the home-ed board who will reassure you if you need it.

Look, it all boils down to to one thing:

You are letting your child miss out on school because you cannot work out how to get him there.

You have ignored all the constructive suggestions.

Why not a bike with a trailer?
Why not have somebody come and sit with ds2 while your dp take your ds1 to school?

It will be worse for your child to start his new school, if he ever gets a place there, if he is the same age group, yet miles behind his peers! This is going to be a lot worse than having to change schools at some point in the future.

OP, the impression you give - possibly unintentiationally - is that you are looking very hard for reasons NOT to send your child to school because you don't like the school you have been offered. I appreciate how galling and upsetting it must be to have to move heaven and earth to get a child to a school that you don't even want him to go to, but at the end of the day it sounds as if you are not currently in a position to give him a 'full time education suited to his interests and aptitudes' at home [and as an ex Home edder myself I know that 'full time' is defnitely not the length of a school day - but it is in all probability much more than the time that your DH has to devote to it given the needs of your DS2] and so you HAVE to find a way to get him to school.

Bicycle? Shared transport with another family from your direction (ask the school fo contacts)? A combination of bus and walking (walking on non-tired days, bus on tired days)? A combination of walking to another family's house, then them taking your DS1 onwards? The grandma he goes for walks with? A minder - formal or informal - for your DS2 to avoid him having to make some of those journeys?

It also seems to me that you are relying on the sibling rule to get your DS1 into the school DS2 MAY get into by virtue of his SN (though without a Statement naming the school that is obviously not guaranteed - you can apply for a Statement, btw, you don't have to rely on the Pre-school, so the amount of time that your DS2 spends in Pre-school is not relevant to him obtaining a Statement: www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Schoolslearninganddevelopment/SpecialEducationalNeeds/DG_4000835). DO CHECK whether the sibling rule applies upwards in age as well as downwards for that particular school - a) not every school operates sibling preference and b) some schools only offer preference to YOUNGER siblings when the older one joins the school, not the other way around.

Why not have somebody come and sit with ds2 while your dp take your ds1 to school?

Because you can pick any random person, safe in the knowledge that they can handle the possible complex behaviour of an autistic child and the child will just fit in with this, because autisic children love routine changes

I'm sure you make a very valid point Birds. However the frustrating and confusing thing about this thread is that, as far as I am aware, the OP has yet to make a single suggestion about how she feels her family can 'solve' (or begin to solve) the situation they are faced with.

No amount of hoping and discussions with the schools is going to guarantee a solution. So whilst the communication with the schools/LA can continue, and may result in a positive outcome eventually, the OP needs to come up with a plan to deal with NOW. Quickly.

extreme do read carefully what teacherwith2kids has posted. Without a statement for ds 2 he won't get a priority place. You can apply for a statement yourself, template letters [http://www.ipsea.org.uk/What-you-need-to-know/Common-problems.aspx#RequestingAssessment here]] Lack of evidence isn't a reason to refuse the LEA would have to make assessments to get that evidence instead. It is undoubtedly easier to get a statement before a child is in school (I got two for my two with ASD before they started pre school) and schools don't have to prove they can't manage without one.

dodgy link sorry here

We cycle three miles with our younger DD in a carrier...she was 4 in March..she is securely buckled in and the other DC who go with us have been doing this journey since the age of 6...it's not good in Winter but wont you qualify for a free cab because it's not your fault you're at the school further away? Plus is there no attched pre school for DS 2?

When I say 3 miles...I mean 3 there and then 3 back..it's good for them.

You could try ebay for a bike and a carrier...they're not exensive at all.

I think I'd pay a childminder to take ds 1 to school and bring him home

I would also consider that it might be a very good idea for your two boys to attend different schools particularly if ds2 is challenging. I deliberately sent ds to a different school to dd who is less than two years older than him so that she got some respite from his demands. I knew that she'd look out for him and felt she would benefit from being able to be free from the sense of responsibility.

A place in a special school doesn't automatically mean you get transport provided, it is still subject to distance etc.

An autistic child in a bike carrier seat or trailer is not a good idea, in many cases it can be a dangerous idea - trust me I've tried it. (Shivers at the memory).

OP SN section is really helpful and understanding.

• Have you asked on there about getting a statement for ds2?
• Are you claiming DLA for ds2?
• Are there any local charities you could apply to for a special needs pushchair?
• Have you looked at the Family Fund? They provide funds for things like this.

I think personally I would have put DS1 in the school you aren't keen on rather than no school, and tried to look on it as a temporary thing. However what's done is done and you need to problem solve your current situation and ways to improve it.

As soon as I saw your OP title I thought 'I wonder if she has a dc with special needs'. A parent who doesn't just won't get that feeling of constantly fighting for basic things and being turned away. I get it. It's hard.

I do totally get how this sounds at times, even reading it back it does kinda sound like I'm trying to justify my decision to not send him to the further away school but I guess it's just because so far every suggestion that has come up is something I have thought about and, for one reason or another, felt that it wouldn't work for us.

I'm not meaning to sound dismissive, and I do really appriciate the input, it's just that I have been over so many scenarios in my mind so many times and I do feel stuck.

bored, we have applied for a special needs pushchair, we just have to wait to go through 'the process'!

We have already applied to the family fund for driving lessons for myself and DH as we think that will be really helpful for the future.

I think it will be immediately obvious when DS2 starts school that he has additional needs and will really struggle without extra help.

I'm not ignoring those questions Quintessential, it's just that there were other things I wanted to answer first -

Bicycling is a good idea - we just need to buy a bike for DH/me, a bike for DS1 & a bike seat/trailer for DS2. But then as bored said, autistic children and seat/trailers don't always mix. DS2 can pretty easily escape his pushchair and the idea of him escaping a seat or trailer when speeding down the road is terrifying!

As for having someone watch DS2, also a good idea but it isn't so easy to find someone who is always available in the mornings and evenings when we need them - not to mention that person would have to take DS2 to pre-school those 2 mornings a week. Honestly, we don't have any friends who could help us out in this area - I would ask my mum but she has problems with her back and knees and has admitted to me that she cannot deal with DS2 (hence why she only has DS1 at the weekends!).

Again, apologies for sounding like I'm making excuses I'm just trying to be honest.

teacherwith2kids is right, sibling places relate purely to younger siblings entering reception for the first time, not to older children applying for a place in an already full class.
Regarding your feelings when seeing your son's peers go off to school for the first time:-
"I felt like it was my fault, like I had done something wrong or I could have tried harder". Do you really think you couldn't have done it differently? You've had some very constructive advice on this thread, why are you convinced none of it applies to your situation?