To think my best friend's niece IS bloody gorgeous!

[IAmPoshInnit]

Have only posted once, as a joke, but this has made me :(

A little background: Am very close with my best mate's parents, spend some holidays with them, even stayed with them for two months whilst getting sorted after Uni.

We were all sat around her oldest sister's house today getting pissed drinking moderately whilst kids played in garden. Her boys (triplets! she says she is DONE with babies), middle sister's DS 8, and DD 5, parents, me, my BF and my mate.

My mate has been seeing a bloke for two months now and they have a brilliant time, so everyone was teasing them about getting married. It was all a laugh until my mate's mum says, 'Well, hurry up, because I need a pretty little granddaughter to dress up.'

Middle sister's DD has Downs Syndrome.

Well that sobered us up quick. Parents left pretty soon after, the dad looking embarassed. Middle sister bursts into tears and says not once has her Mum ever brought an outfit for her DD, though she's very fashion conscious and buys clothes for the boys. She even gets me jumpers for Christmas. Says her mum also never started a fund for uni like she did for the boys either, but what would she be like, complaining her mummy doesn't buy her daughter clothes? The mum does buy the DD toys for gifts though.

I love my friend's mum like my own, but I don't think it's my place to say anything. Should somebody say something? And what? Middle sis looked so sad as she was collecting the kids to go home.

Am a bit skint at the moment as just moved house with bf, but he says we should go to BabyGap and buy her a shedload of clothes. :(

And btw, the DD is the sweetest child-- very pretty and girly and LOVES clothes. She was wearing a tutu and bunny ears at the house. :)

you're saying back away, probably you're right, but if I didn't, and went there tomorrow, what would you say?

I would say that you are getting into something that isnt yours to get into, and that no one will thank you for it.

The only thing a friend can do in this circumstance is to be supportive to those that are involved. You are NOT involved. This isnt your fight, this isnt your family, and I would probably think that you might be thriving on the drama a wee bit if you did it anyway.

sorry, but you did ask!

Right Bogey fair enough for your opinion, but all this drama is not making me happy. I don't like fighting or silences or distances or people moving out or this whole emailing about one person without including them. I HATE it and want it to stop. I just want the way we all were back. I'm not trying to play TV hero or anything, I don't think it's being a hero if it's people you love. I'm just gobsmacked that the dad left for a long trip away now. I thought this would be one bad weekend and then fighting all the week and then the next weekend it would be sorted, but it's not looking like that.

your cousin sounds like a fright and I'm sorry, but I would think a liar always lies, and I don't think the mum is a liar. She may be a bit full on in her opinions though. And yes, she does play the victim.

Ok, I see what you are saying, but you are still trying to get involved for your own ends. As you said, you want the way you were back. But thats selfish, completely understandable, but still selfish.

This family has to sort it out for themselves, and the best thing you can do is to stay out of the fight, but support your friend and her sisters.

Anything else is pretty much guaranteed to make you the bad guy. What if they sort it out and the mum tells them that you had a go at her? You are the bad guy. What if they dont sort it out and the sisters think that you made it worse by seeing her? You are the bad guy.

Stop thinking about what you want, and let them work it out for themselves. I know that you want to be, but at the end of the day you are not a part of that family and you would be very wrong to get involved in this.

Well, maybe. :( Certainly not trying to make things worse.

Off to bed for me.

Oh OP.

My grandmother had some shocking opinions when my second-youngest cousin was born with DS. But now...we love our Ben so much, I can't tell you. Your poor friend.

The GM is a classic histrionic/narcissist.

Your friend was the black sheep of the family. Everyone was kept in line by the odd dig or guilt trip. Nobody could say anything or confront the GM because of her performances as victim.

Any way the existence/death of the sister could be confirmed? Doesn't matter really, whether she was real or just whistled up for the occasion. The GM used her memory (?) shamelessly. This is a toxic woman. That is why you feel a little afraid of her, Posh.

I'm going to gently disagree here, and say that actually I do think that the GM's story about her sister would have an impact on how she has behaved in later life.

I'm in no way defending her actions or condoning her behaviour, but I think coming home from school aged nine to find your sister had died and your family had moved home would make it incredibly hard to trust people again. I'd think it would make you distance yourself from people - perhaps especially little girls. Because I'd guess that on some level, unconsciuosly, in her world, that's what happens to daughters - they die.

All very, very sad for everyone involved, and so much loss too.

Well if she was so afraid that her GD would die-wouldn´t you think that she´d spend every possible precious moment with her?

But also that even a seemingly healthy child can suddenly die so make the most of them.

I would wonder why the story changed about her sister being older & then younger though & would be quite sceptical.

Meant to say-OP I think that you just need to support your friend tbh.

Minnie, yes but the GM does want a grand daughter. Just not one with Downs Syndrome.

I stand by my first post on this thread. The GM is toxic. She has always been toxic but you have ignored the signs. She's not going to change.

Friend & her sister.

I suppose for me I find it difficult that you care about this mother as much as your own tbh.

Except that she has 'normal' daughters MinnieBar and didn't 'distance' herself from them, it's only the granddaughter with Down's Syndrome that she distanced herself from.

I think Math has her right and I also think the missing husband speaks volumes by his disappearance.

IAmPosh, I genuinely can't give you any words to say because I wouldn't go under any circumstances and I don't think there is anything you can say to make it better, sorry.

If you really want to talk to the GM, show her this video. It features an absolutely gorgeous little girl, who I imagine looks just like your niece.

You can't 'fix' this woman. Getting people on mumsnet to tell you what to say can work out great for some people, especially those who want to be more assertive. But this is clearly far too complicated a situation to benefit from such an approach.

I think if you are going to go and speak to the nan, then clear it with your friend first, any action needs to be co-ordinated between everyone.

I agree with everyone else as well in that the fact the husband has left her and gone elsewhere suggests that he is really angry with her, in a way he wasn't prior to the dead sister revelation. If he generally is supportive and they're close, then I think he might be privy to some kind of info that you're not and you might want to wait until that has played itself out before getting involved and muddying the waters further. I'd give the same advice to your friend if she was the one asking, so it's not about being family or not, but I really think that there is something hugely serious happening between the nan and grandad, and you don't want to be in the middle of that.

Jasmine both those little kids are adorable. My bf burst out laughing when the little boy started to rap.

Well, you lot were right, it's a bad idea to talk to the mum. I am full of thoughts when I am sat up at night that look daft in the morning. Also, my own mum wrote me from an internet cafe (she is on a cruise). She wrote 'with all due respect, my love, butt out.' and also that she always told me about 'that woman'.

My mate texted her dad this morning and said, 'Are we orphans now?' and he wrote back, 'Funny girl. Back Friday night.' then he said 'how is your mum' but my mate said, usually he would just say 'mum'. She texted back that he could call her, and he didn't answer. I don't know if he did.

The mum did call older sis and invited her and her family over for tea, since she doesn't like to cook for one. Older sis said no, sorry, because the boys have a routine on a school night, and the mum put the phone down on her! my mate might go, but we are not.

iam not really anything constructive to add just wanted to say you sound like a fab friend :o unfortunately I think even if you did talk to the nan the damage within the family has already been done, IMO middle sis would have to be an absolute saint to forgive and forget the treatment her DD has received at the hands of her mother.
What a shame that if the nan is distant for the reasons she has recently stated that she didn't choose to go by the old saying 'it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'

Thanks strawberry :o.

And I agree, they have to sort themselves out. Maybe the mum being on her own for a few days will make her think things over.

so the Dad works away then? Good, let her stew in her own juice for a while.

And your Mum is right, 'butt out'

Support your friend as much as you can, but dont get into the family quarrels. Its their battle.