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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my best friend's niece IS bloody gorgeous!

144 replies

IAmPoshInnit · 17/03/2012 19:00

Have only posted once, as a joke, but this has made me :(

A little background: Am very close with my best mate's parents, spend some holidays with them, even stayed with them for two months whilst getting sorted after Uni.

We were all sat around her oldest sister's house today getting pissed drinking moderately whilst kids played in garden. Her boys (triplets! she says she is DONE with babies), middle sister's DS 8, and DD 5, parents, me, my BF and my mate.

My mate has been seeing a bloke for two months now and they have a brilliant time, so everyone was teasing them about getting married. It was all a laugh until my mate's mum says, 'Well, hurry up, because I need a pretty little granddaughter to dress up.'

Middle sister's DD has Downs Syndrome.

Well that sobered us up quick. Parents left pretty soon after, the dad looking embarassed. Middle sister bursts into tears and says not once has her Mum ever brought an outfit for her DD, though she's very fashion conscious and buys clothes for the boys. She even gets me jumpers for Christmas. Says her mum also never started a fund for uni like she did for the boys either, but what would she be like, complaining her mummy doesn't buy her daughter clothes? The mum does buy the DD toys for gifts though.

I love my friend's mum like my own, but I don't think it's my place to say anything. Should somebody say something? And what? Middle sis looked so sad as she was collecting the kids to go home.

Am a bit skint at the moment as just moved house with bf, but he says we should go to BabyGap and buy her a shedload of clothes. :(

And btw, the DD is the sweetest child-- very pretty and girly and LOVES clothes. She was wearing a tutu and bunny ears at the house. :)

OP posts:
OriginalJamie · 17/03/2012 19:42

I think she needs pulling up. She needs to face facts and see how it affects others.

Original poster
IAmPoshInnit · 17/03/2012 19:50

Sorry, Hug, didn't mean to make you cry.

Good on you, allthequeens. :o

Thing is, SOMETHING has to happen, as we are all meant to go to the Mum's for a Mothering Day dinner tomorrow. (My parent's are on a cruise. My mate is saying she wishes we could hide at their house.)

This is so strange. Always thought my friend's mum was the perfect mum, she's way more "fun" and affectionate than mine--but my mum would never say something so nasty (or act that way).

OP posts:
PurpleRomanesco · 17/03/2012 19:57

Disgusting.

The fact that she didn't apologize would be reason enough for me to stay as far away from this nasty woman as possible.

JustHecate · 17/03/2012 19:57

You know, she is allowed to say mum, I cannot accept the way you treat my daughter, I won't be seeing you tomorrow. Your comment about how you can't wait for a pretty granddaughter hurt me so much - MY daughter is your granddaughter and she is here and she is beautiful.

That little girl needs her mum to stick up for her. Let the grandmother cry. Why should she be protected from the consequences of her nasty thoughtless cruel words?

allthequeensmen · 17/03/2012 19:59

If she is an otherwise good person I'm sure that deep down she recognises that her views and behaviours towards her GD are deeply unpleasant and unacceptable. It might be productive for her and her daughter to sit down and have a really honest discussion about the whole situation, the daughter may be able to confront and combat some of the mother's prejudices and anxieties. But of course that will take a lot of emotional resilience on the part of the daughter and I wouldn't blame her at all for not wanting to go there.

You describe a very difficult situation but at least it sounds like she has great support from you and her sister.

bringbacksideburns · 17/03/2012 20:02

I would ask your friend if she is going to speak to her mum about it. I think she should.

PurpleRomanesco · 17/03/2012 20:03

I think the mother should do the approaching here. She is the one in the wrong and I would not pander her.

Tolalola · 17/03/2012 20:11

Hmm, I think all of you independently should say something to the mean grandma so that she realises that it's not just the poor girl's mum being over sensistive or one person 'taking something the wrong way'.

Original poster
IAmPoshInnit · 17/03/2012 20:17

The older sis called and got her Dad. (The mum was 'busy', but sis has the feeling she was listening close by). He didn't even wait for her to say anything, was just like, 'You know people say daft things when they drink, we all do'. Older sis repeated what middle sis said, and Dad was like, 'well, I'll have a word, but not until after the holiday. She's been planning this all week.' Then she told him middle sis's husband said that when she got home, she gave him the kids and went right to bed. Kids want to know if she is poorly.

I think everyone's afraid to say anything because the parents fund the boys' school, or help, and they're afraid of what a row would do. But I could be wrong about that.

OP posts:
Sheilathegreat · 17/03/2012 20:20

This is horrible. Just horrible.

OP as an outsider to the family, albeit a very close one, you might be well placed to let the grandmother know exactly what she is missing out by not letting her granddaughter fully in her life. This might be a more productive way of approaching it rather than telling her how disgustingly she has behaved... however much she deserves this.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 17/03/2012 20:29

Just because the GPs fund the sons' schooling or partially fund it, doesnt give them a right to say horrid things about their granddaughter.

I agree with hecate the mid sister has to speak to her Mum about what she said and tell her how upset it made her feel. It will take guts, but it has to be said now, before the little girl gets older and realises. Sad

HugADalek · 17/03/2012 20:34

Don't apologise OP, it's just heartbreaking that children have to encounter this, she's only five for goodness sake, her grandmother should be able to put aside her silly prejudice for the sake of a child.

lurkedtoolong · 17/03/2012 20:37

OP I think it is your place to tell your friend's mum what a complete bitch she is (although maybe in a nicer way). Perhaps sit quietly with her, explain that you understand what a shock the Down's Syndrome diagnosis must have been but she is being unfair on her daughter. And if she cries tell her firmly that this isn't about her but about supporting her daughter and grand-daughter and that she needs to get over herself.

QueenMaeve · 17/03/2012 20:46

That is ridiculous. can't believe people still think like that in this day and age. i think your job is to comfort your friend and her sister. really what can you say to the mother. Firstly it isn't your place. Secondly you are unlikely to change her attitudes at her age and thirdly it is without a doubt her loss.
She is a fool, a complete fool to be missing out on loving her grand daughter unconditionally.
If you really do know her well enough that you think you can speak to her, I wouldn't go on an offensive but try to make her see what she is missing out on by not loving this child.

QueenMaeve · 17/03/2012 20:49

I am not defending the grandmother at all. But please bear in mind this isn't always completely about prejudice. When a child is born with down syndrome one life that you had imagined for your child is taken away and you are left with a different type of life for your child. Some people can handle this much better than others. The grandmother may just not have ever faced up to any of this.

NeshBugger · 17/03/2012 21:00

Is everyone still planning to attend?

It's going to be a strained affair, this Mothering Sunday she's been planning for a week. The looks of hurt, disappointment and anger will be hard to contend with tbh. It's not your place to say anything but if she did bring it up with you I'd certainly convey shock and disappointment with someone who you very much admire(d).

Sometimes having a mirror held up to your own attitudes can be a wake-up call. Let's hope so.

Original poster
IAmPoshInnit · 17/03/2012 21:04

Thank you all for your advice. Me and my mate were discussing it, and we both feel like right cowards. I think I'm a little afraid of her, even though she's never been anything but lovely to me, never loses her temper with any of us, etc.

Now middle sis is not going to her Mum's and is keeping her DD home. She was going to send her DS alone (they live 2 blocks away), but thought they were going to have to tell him why, so they said, 'Nan said some not very nice things about your sister.' and he went, I know, we talk about it all the time. Turns out all the nephews know Nan is not 'right' with the DD, but they don't talk about it in front of her. He insisted on knowing what she said, and when they finally told him, he went off to his room. Five minutes later, he came down and said, 'Then I won't go either'. His parents were shocked, since he loves playing with his cousins and his Nan's cooking. They asked him how was he going to give her the card he made in school, and he said, 'I'll drop it in the post.'

I know I shouldn't be :o, but I think he's wicked.

OP posts:
MySunshineInGreySkies · 17/03/2012 21:05

Feel for your friend :(

chinam · 17/03/2012 21:41

Oh that is just horrible. I'm glad that the family are not going. The mum needs to know that her behaviour is not acceptable.

Tolalola · 18/03/2012 13:00

Hope you're all having a nice happy day today, OP, and that suitable grovelling apologies have been offered!

JustHecate · 18/03/2012 13:01

Good for her! I don't blame her for not going. And bloody good on her son. She should be so proud of him.

I hope if the mother dares to complain about it, someone has the courage to tell her why her daughter isn't there.

AwkwardMary · 18/03/2012 13:04

I read an article where a Mother spoke of her daughter who had Downs Syndrome and said "She thinks she can be an actor or a supermodel...and I can't work out how to tell her that it won't happen"

ANd I was MAD....this woman obvously loved her child but couldn't see the point....there is NOTHING stopping her DD from trying to be an actor or model....only stupid preconceptions....which we should all be fighting...her dd was beautiful and if I was a bloody fashion designer I would use her....if I were a casting drector I would giver her a part....if she wasn't much of an actor then a small part!

I feel so sad that your best friends DD is being excluded by her OWN NAN!

ViviPru · 18/03/2012 13:05

How tragic that its been so overt that the nephews have picked up on it too. I know kids are nobody's fool, but the grandmother must have real form for the brother to be so clued up.

I don't think you're being cowardly, OP, you're just not making more of a scene out of what is already a difficult situation. And I'd be surprised if even the strongest challenges to her behaviour would make all that much difference Sad

diddl · 18/03/2012 13:20

OP-I hope that you didn´t go to the mother´s either.

How anyone refrained from calling her a bitch is completely beyond me.

ujjayi · 18/03/2012 13:22

This has really touched my heart. DS1 doesn't have SN "technically" but he is what you might call "socially awkward" and people tend to stare and be quite rude about him at times. I run free with my emotions when they do this and I would be furious if a family member treated him this way.

OP I think you could perhaps say something but it is my belief that it has to come from your friend. I am pleased to hear that they have not gone to visit her today. Perhaps that will pre-empt some kind of dialogue between them. Sounds as though her father is already aware since he had the good grace to be embarrassed.

Perhaps the mother could spend some time watching the Beyond Disability documentaries which have been shown on BBC. The one shown this week was amazing, heartbreaking but also some beautiful moments of hope and belief in young people.