To think my best friend's niece IS bloody gorgeous!

[IAmPoshInnit]

Have only posted once, as a joke, but this has made me :(

A little background: Am very close with my best mate's parents, spend some holidays with them, even stayed with them for two months whilst getting sorted after Uni.

We were all sat around her oldest sister's house today getting pissed drinking moderately whilst kids played in garden. Her boys (triplets! she says she is DONE with babies), middle sister's DS 8, and DD 5, parents, me, my BF and my mate.

My mate has been seeing a bloke for two months now and they have a brilliant time, so everyone was teasing them about getting married. It was all a laugh until my mate's mum says, 'Well, hurry up, because I need a pretty little granddaughter to dress up.'

Middle sister's DD has Downs Syndrome.

Well that sobered us up quick. Parents left pretty soon after, the dad looking embarassed. Middle sister bursts into tears and says not once has her Mum ever brought an outfit for her DD, though she's very fashion conscious and buys clothes for the boys. She even gets me jumpers for Christmas. Says her mum also never started a fund for uni like she did for the boys either, but what would she be like, complaining her mummy doesn't buy her daughter clothes? The mum does buy the DD toys for gifts though.

I love my friend's mum like my own, but I don't think it's my place to say anything. Should somebody say something? And what? Middle sis looked so sad as she was collecting the kids to go home.

Am a bit skint at the moment as just moved house with bf, but he says we should go to BabyGap and buy her a shedload of clothes. :(

And btw, the DD is the sweetest child-- very pretty and girly and LOVES clothes. She was wearing a tutu and bunny ears at the house. :)

And your BF sounds lovely

What a cow!

Diddl - it's not the buying pretty things, as such, it's a way of showing the grandmother what fun she's missing out on, by her attitude towards the child. There needn't be any pretty things bought by the OP or her friend for the little girl - it's the OP and her friend having fun with the little girl, and letting the grandma see what fun it is to be with this girl - ie what she's missing out on.

I don´t think she wants to see though-she must have had plenty of opportunity by now to see what a lovely little girl she is & that she can be fun to be with.

Sadly you are probably right, diddl.

I created this thread to cheer us all up:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1432231-I-need-to-do-something-to-counteract-all-the-sadness-and-negativity-about-Downs

May be worth showing it to the grandmother OP ;)

Oops:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1432231-I-need-to-do-something-to-counteract-all-the-sadness-and-negativity-about-Downs

allthequeens & IamPosh . . . I think I love you. My gorgeous DS1 has autism & learning difficulties, & since diagnosed, we have hardly seen MIL & her hubby, and yet before that I couldn't get rid of the buggers. Every child with a 'difficulty' they are dealing with needs someone like you in their lives. Good on ya!!!

The grandmother might have appeared 'fun' but she is actually toxic from what I've read. Avoid avoid avoid. It sometimes takes a 'challenging situation' for somebody to show their true colours

My cpmputer keeps eating these messages, try again.

First off queens thank you, that was lovely, but someone else posted videos too and now I can't find them. :( Maybe later.

Shriekable thank you, I can't believe how much love and support is on this thread. I honestly feel guilty because I never thought of the DD as having special needs or anything, she was just my little mate like the boys. Maybe I should be more aware of other kids problems. But I still feel if I knew them, they would just be kids, little people and sod the world. Sorry if I am weak.

So, and this is long, can't believe I have to type it over! The mum did not go to middle sis's house even though she said she was coming. she just didn't show until middle sis had to pick the kids from school. Then when her husband came home she said she wanted to go to their house in the country and he said ok.

The husband of the NAN, I should say, is very quiet and not a 'kid person'. He thought the kids were shocking as babies, but now that they are big, he can deal with them one on one. He takes the boys for rambles inthe field and takes the DD down the pub of a Sunday where she can drink Coke, which is forbidden in her house :o and chat up the regulars. He treats them the same--just no crowds!

So the dad was ast the pub (I'm hearing this from oldest sis in email chain) and he says, 'we are not going to the house, you have to sort yourself out with the littlest one'

And the mum goes to the pub, he told her to, and says, well, these type of children could die, and where would I be? The DD is not going to die, FFS, she had problems as a baby but she is healthy now. And the dad said this.

It turns out the mum has lied all this time. She said she has an older sister who died before she was born, but it was really a baby sister, who died of meningitis when she was two and the mum was nine (it was quick) and at boarding school. The mum found out during summer holidays, after her parent moved house to the next village and fired her nanny.

What I wrote beofre is that me and my mate met each other and walked for hours since 6pm and did not talk much, and ended up walking two villages over. I said my boyfriend picked us up and she is asleep in our bed and we were sat on the couch. But now, bf is asleep with his head on my lap and I am awake. But he did say he would stay up with me. The thought that counts. But I feel just gutted now. :(

meant I should try again

Now I am bloody crying, thinking of what we have all been through. This is my family. And I remember when the DD met my boyfriend at Christmas and threw her arms about him and said 'I don't know you yet, but I probably love you.'

I'm tired, should go to sleep on couch by my bf.

Hope you're asleep now OP.

I haven't really got anything helpful to say, except that you sound like you are possibly the best friend in the world, and I hope if any of my friends get upset I will be as lovely as you are being.

Night night!

Awful. How hurtful for the middle sister. It may be hard for her but she should speak to her mother about the fact that the children are not being treated fairly - e.g. funds for all the grandchildren for whatever reason, not just university. It may be that the woman's husband would take her to task for what she said. The remark was off the cuff but indicative of what the woman really thinks about her granddaughter. Highly insensitive and potentially damaging for relationships within the family.

So the Grandmother is now trying to pretend it is all about a sister she lost when she was young? What utter crap! She is now trying to garner sympathy because she knows she has behave appallingly and she is floundering around for a reason to justify it. She is a nasty piece of work and some of the things you have said - ie she cries when she is called on something and she is generally the life and soul of the party and a lot more 'fun' than your Mum rings alarm bells with me. This type of person is often 'perfect' in company but nightmarish behind closed doors but families collude in the 'public' image because the private one is just too horrible to face up to. It takes something like this to bring such behaviour out into the open.

My Goddaughter has Down's Syndrome, she is the light of my life and is not only beautiful but huge fun to be around. Her Mum is determined that whatever she wants to do she will be able to try to do.

Still don´t feel sorry for the mother.

How can you not just fall in love with your daughter´s baby?

So she´s purposely (as if it would make it better) not getting attached-FOR HER OWN SAKE?

Heartless bitch.

IAmPosh - what a lovely comment for the little girl to make to your bf - that's made my heart melt.

Hi all, busy day with work and friends from out of town, but did not want to leave this hanging.

First of all Grace thank you. :) Probably not the best friend in the world, but try to be as good as mine.

Things are SO kicking off, this is like we've all entered a different planet. diddl, cleopatra and Genius I was surprised that you didn't feel sympathy for the mum, I did. But now the rest of her family is even more upset. They believe her, but could not believe she kept that from them, that they had a little aunt who died, etc. They were not close to the mum's family at all, but said they had a right to know. But it is the mild mannered dad who is just enraged. I'm not sure why. He's not answering emails and has gone to where he used to teach to stay with a work colleague until the weekend. Maybe he feels betrayed?I dont think she kept this story back to be mean or seem superior. I know it doesn't excuse her behavior/feelings, but if she came from a family that moved after the death of a child and never spoke about it, maybe that would make anyone a bit mad. And for all her faults, she is a good wife to her husband and really, I think would be quite lost without him. Of course, he's not going to leave, but they are rarely apart even for a few days.

Right, so I think I'm going to do something. I feel like I'm losing my second family all together. I am thinking I've been with this lot since I was 12 and at least if the mum ends up hating me too, I still have my own (dear) parents, so I have less to lose than my mate. (Older sis has tried, middle sis will not talk to her, not that she should.)

So I am thinking get drunk steel up my courage, rock up to the house after work and talk this out and tell her how desperate we all are and this situation is and how brilliant the DD is and please, just CHANGE! Could someone please help me? Just tell me what to say? Even if you write it out word by word I won't be offended. This has got to stop. It's put me off my lunch today even. (Don't worry, made up for it at dinner. :o)

Of course it's a sad story but it has surely nothing to do with her behaviour now. I don't understand why this is now used to create more drama. Somehow feels like the grandma is simply looking for a way out. 'I am such a victim, it's not my fault, you all have to feel for me'. If she had issues with getting attached to babies than she would also struggle with the other children. I don't believe this one bit.

I know Gravity, it doesn't seem to add up. But I feel like she is sick, in a way, because isn't not loving such a cute little one a sickness? And that we have to do something to fix it. Or I do. But thing is, I'm rubbish at talking about things that upset me. I have to give presentations at my work all the time, but if I have to talk about something emotional, I stutter and stammer and shake and forget what I was going to say and anyone can run rings about me.

As Gravity puts so eloquently above, this revelation has NOTHING to do with how she treats her granddaughter and is just a way of escalating the drama in the hope you will all back down and accept the way she behaves towards this poor little girl who is completely blameless.

You sound a lovely friend and I can see why you feel so involved but I think (for your own sake) that you need to step back from this to be honest. Even though you think of these people as your second family this is actually a very serious family problem and I think you need to let them sort it out between themselves, there is actually nothing you can do or say to make this better, real resolution rests with the grandmother though I suspect this won't happen.

These revelations are a way of turning the tide of sympathy and goodwill back to her. What could possibly trump her awful behaviour and comments? I know, a dead child! She's upset for herself. It's got nothing to do with her attitude towards her GD. Have to hand it to her, she's a master of manipulation. Perhaps this is why her husband needs the breathing space.

This is a very sad tale. Good on you for wanting to step in and try and sort this situation out. the GM sounds utterly horrible. There are no excuses for the way she acts around the beautiful gd with ds. It's very sad if the other nephews and the brother know that the GM treats her differently. silly woman.

I know, ladies, I know and I'm sat up thinking about everything now. How sometime the mum would have a bit of a go at all of us. Older sis went back to work when her boys were about three and they were going to be scarred for life. (They RULED their nursery. If anything, nursery staff were scarred :o) Middle sis has put on a bit of weight after both her babies, but she is so lovely and her husband is still besotted :) but her mum always said something, showed us old pictures of her when she was thinner.

My mate was I guess the "hard work" of the family. In fact, I only know her because she got booted from her school and had to go to my state secondary for sneaking off with boys. (My mate is proud of this acheivement as it was an all girls school :o) And she would have a go at my parent's too, like saying I was SO SMART (am not, just ok brain, like books, but love my telly.) and if she had been MY mum would have sent me to the girls independent. I used to not quite like this, as my dad worked hard and my parents gave us everything, read to us, talked about issues and the news etc. They just weren't wealthy. Anyway, the secondary was brill and dealt with all the teenage horridness hormones and made us work and that is why we are both normal. Not saying her old school wasn't good too, of course. It was really lovely, but I don't feel I missed out on anything but sports, which I am rubbish at, and Latin, which would have been my worse nightmare.

I just honestly think everyone has thier little oddnesses. It's just hard to say, 'Right, the person I loved for years and years is not a good sort and there's no fixing them' I just can't. :( But maybe it is not just the DD.

I do so feel bad about the dad though, because she is one of those people who seems strong, always throwing dinners, lots of friends, but she depends on him for every little thing in an emotional way. Also, if I think about it, no close mates who are her age, though she is popular, if that makes sense.

I know, Cleopatra that you're saying back away, probably you're right, but if I didn't, and went there tomorrow, what would you say? Or anyone?

I'm sorry but I think that she was probably telling the truth all along about her sister passing away, but has changed her story now because she needs something to make everyone feel sorry for her.

I wonder if her husband has gone away because deep down he knows that she is lying and cant quite believe how far she has gone just to get everyone on her side.

I know people like this, particularly a cousin who managed to make a story about her thinking she was pg (which she wasnt) and her BF dumping her when she told him she might be (which is true, he was a tosser), into her having a still born baby on the day her BF left her for her best friend . If someone called her on anything she said then the upped the ante, and it sounds like your friends DM is the same.

I and most of the family no longer have anything to do with my cousin, what does that tell you?