To think my best friend's niece IS bloody gorgeous!

[IAmPoshInnit]

Have only posted once, as a joke, but this has made me :(

A little background: Am very close with my best mate's parents, spend some holidays with them, even stayed with them for two months whilst getting sorted after Uni.

We were all sat around her oldest sister's house today getting pissed drinking moderately whilst kids played in garden. Her boys (triplets! she says she is DONE with babies), middle sister's DS 8, and DD 5, parents, me, my BF and my mate.

My mate has been seeing a bloke for two months now and they have a brilliant time, so everyone was teasing them about getting married. It was all a laugh until my mate's mum says, 'Well, hurry up, because I need a pretty little granddaughter to dress up.'

Middle sister's DD has Downs Syndrome.

Well that sobered us up quick. Parents left pretty soon after, the dad looking embarassed. Middle sister bursts into tears and says not once has her Mum ever brought an outfit for her DD, though she's very fashion conscious and buys clothes for the boys. She even gets me jumpers for Christmas. Says her mum also never started a fund for uni like she did for the boys either, but what would she be like, complaining her mummy doesn't buy her daughter clothes? The mum does buy the DD toys for gifts though.

I love my friend's mum like my own, but I don't think it's my place to say anything. Should somebody say something? And what? Middle sis looked so sad as she was collecting the kids to go home.

Am a bit skint at the moment as just moved house with bf, but he says we should go to BabyGap and buy her a shedload of clothes. :(

And btw, the DD is the sweetest child-- very pretty and girly and LOVES clothes. She was wearing a tutu and bunny ears at the house. :)

I wish someone had said something at the time. What a horrible thing for her to have said. It shows what she's thinking.

Well, we are all here at the mum's house and awkward does not begin to describe things. My mate's mum has not asked where Middle sis is so I reckon she knows. It is very quiet and formal with the rest of us, and not loud and funny like family gatherings usually are here.

The roast won't be for ages so the adults were having sandwiches in the kitchen. We could hear Older sis's three boys in the garden. One of them says, 'But WHY aren't Dcousins here?' and another one said, 'BECAUSE, like daddy said, Nan said something arsey.' We could hear them clear as anything, and the Mum turned red and said she had to get something from upstairs and left.

It's going to be a long day.

Can´t believe that you´re there, OP!

I also can't believe you're there.

It would have sent a far better message to not go.

To go is almost to condone it.

I can't believe any of you went either, but then I can't believe noone said 'but you do' when she said it originally

IamPosh - would it bolster your friend if you and she and her dd went out together for a girlie shopping day? Take the girl for a wee shopping spree (maybe in Primark, so she can get lots for very little - fun stuff that she'll enjoy wearing but won't have to be too careful of, if you see what I mean), and a lunch, or having her nails done.

Then she could tell her grandma all about it the next time she sees her, and that might show her gran how lovely it is to have this beautiful little girl in the family, and how much other people value her company.

SDTG sounds like a lovely idea

It must be awful having this as the elephant in the room. Surely it would be better to bring it into the open and for one of the siblings to raise it?

I feel so sorry for that poor little girl. :( shifting perspectives have a beautiful exhibition about downs syndrome at a local arts centre and I think it's online too but it doesnt display on my phone properly. Think this link has it:

www.shiftingperspectives.org

Well shopping might help, but it doesn´t alter the fact that the GM doesn´t accept that she already has a GD that she could lavish attention on/buy pretty things for.

I would go into Primark or Claires, and buy the little girl some really girly sparkly things, like a handbag or bright childrens jewellry (she sounds like she likes some accesories, with her bunny ears). Send them to the mum, with a card saying how you understand how hurt that she must have felt, and that you think her DD is a gorgeous girl who deserves pretty things, hence the gift.

I would definitely let the grandma know that the nephews have independently picked up on her behaviour. It might shock her into realising how discriminatory she's being.

Feeling very for your mate's sister. Perhaps the GM needs this printed out for her.

Hi all,

We'd actually discussed this on the phone the night before. Older sis was adamant that we all go. In the past, she reckoned her mum would play 'victim' and feel ganged up on, and the dad would probably try to appease her by taking her out for a fancy dinner, or into London, and it would be like she was getting rewarded, if that makes any sense. But if we were all there, minus middle sis and her family, it would more drive things home. She would have to be faced with cooking dinner for a bunch of unhappy people.

In the middle of the day, the triplets wanted to see their cousins who they hadn't see in "forever". (They saw them yesterday). So their dad walked them over to the house. Turns out they were all having a brilliant time--baking cupcakes and singing karaoke with the nieghbors. They soon had to leave though, since all the pubs were full, they were going to have Chinese food in a restaurant in the shopping centre. When they boys got back, they were very stroppy. THEY wanted Chinese food. THEY wanted to bake cupcakes. They didn't want any rubbish roast. Now, in addition to the awkward adults, we had three eight year olds kicking off and fighting with each other and being told off.

Oldest sis said, 'Well, if the DD were here, she would sort them out, she never lets them fight.' And finally her mum said, 'Well, I didn't mean to say what I said about the DD. It just slipped out.' So everyone jumped in and told her what she was like, and how she's treated the DD all these years, always pushing her away when she hugs her, etc. And it kicked off. The kids stopped fighting to watch us fight. The mum ended up crying and going to her room. The dad didn't say anything, he was just drinking up a storm. Oldest sis went up to her mother's room and they were up there for a while, first shouting and then quiet. I didn't get a chance to find out what was said, yet. Because they came down, we ate, and then I had to leave, as I have an early day tomorrow. But I will call my mate on my break.

Thank you, carve that's really beautiful.

carve that is so moving ....

Thanks for this thread. It is so nice to see so many people feeling so appalled at the gm behaviour. I have read it though streaming eyes. The poor middle sister will have felt so sad about this for the last 5 years and for everyone to take a stand will be so overwelming for her.

My ds1 (8) has downs syndrome and I think he is gorgeous too!(there are some lovely photos on my profile if you fancy a nosy- proud mummy). But sadly people are still funny about disabilities and say some awful things. As a parent you learn to cope with that, but hearing it from family is dreadful. My dfil hasn't coped well with ds1 having ds. He is very distant with him, quite clinical in his affection. He is very obviously different with our three other dc. My dmil on the other hand more than makes up for him. She is wonderful and has a really special relationship with all her dgc esp ds1! IMO it is dfil's loss. I would prob feel more hurt if it was my father. Dh just thinks he is a silly fool.

Strangely though the tide has started to turn, last week when ds1 was proudly handing out his handmade invites to his class 'jacket potato cafe' at school, he handed us ours, my dmum- my parents and to dmil just one for her. Dfil was completely omitted. No-one uttered a word. No yummy year 3 potato for him

Hope the middle sis and her mother sort this out and she is able to forgive her for this awful behaviour and move on positively.

Oh and good on the brother, my ds2 (7years) is like that with his big bro!!

Four4me Your son (and all of your brood) look smashing. I love the way you have ds1's hair - super trendy!

AwkwardMary I think you are being a bit unfair to the presenter of the programme about Downs Syndrome, Rosa Monckton, she is incredibly supportive of her beautiful girl with Downs Syndrome and, unlike in this very sad example, dresses her in fashionable lovely clothes (she has money!) What she was trying to get over is how difficult it is to parent a child who finds it difficult to know how they fit in, whether it be in terms of them having their own family/children, using contraception, or in terms of being able to achieve what they want for a career. Her child attends the ChickenShed school which is famous for inclusive performing arts, and may well have a small part in things, but everyone cannot be an actor, and everyone cannot be a model, not those of us with or without an extra chromosome, and I think she was right to point out it can be difficult to discuss these issues sensitively and realistically, as indeed it would be with any teenager who wants to be a model/actress/fashion designer or whatever.

OP, I think in the long run it is better this has come to a head, either it will be a wake-up call for mum who will perhaps come to terms with having a gd with Downs syndrome (which different family members may accept at different times, she may not have felt able to help her feelings even if they are horrible), or she will continue in which case it is better out in the open. It sounds like everyone knew about it anyway so better out than festering in the background. Hopefully the mum will dig deep, face her fears and reach out towards her gd.

That is absolutely awful. I am .

well at least things have been said to the mother that needed to be said. I hope that she (mother) apologises to her daughter and starts to treat her beautiful GD fairly.

Lets hope so.

Oh that's sad :( I don't know if it's very PC to say this so sorry if I offend but I have always thought people with DS are extra gorgeous. They just always look so happy and beautiful

And thanks to the poster who mentioned the shifting perspectives website - really wonderful photos. I work in a learning disabilities service and will be sending the link to my colleagues.

Hope the family can eventually reach a better place with this IAmPosh.

That's terrible. I had tears in my eyes reading it then the poor little boy being turned away from the pool with his little trunks and towel set me right off.

What is wrong with some people?

Mumsy I never saw the programme only read an article she'd written. But I stand by what I said....I don't believe in "can't" only in wanting something enough to actually make it real.

I think that the act of pursuing our dreams is an important part of realising them....in actively chasing our dreams we are already fulfilling them.

Downs Syndrome or not, entertainment is a tough industry but that does not mean that a parent should not fully believe in their child's ability to get what they want.