petty row with DH but seems a dealbreaker to me

[Sudaname]

Right - went out tonight to eat - nice local Italian - so far so good. Then went in local pub - Chelsea v Napoli was on TV - so far so good. DH and other regulars largely supporting Chelsea though not our local team by far - not the team any of them support,just supporting them on grounds English team etc etc.

I wanted Napoli to win on same grounds (l am half Italian) though wasnt really bothered either way or into the game all that much. Well Chelsea won basically and TV panned to some Italian fans looking very miserable and my DH doing a double act with another regular started saying 'Oh they'll probably go and stab some English fans now etc'

Unfortunately l had the audacity to stick up for my countrymen and pipe up with 'pot and kettle' as England fans are world famous for being hooligans etc etc as far as l know. He starts saying stuff like 'You dont know what you're talking about' etc etc.and getting really bolshee with me. l said 'I am entitled to my opinion and l have either dreamt it for the last 20 years or so or England fans are known for hooliganism etc'

He then said 'You're wrong though (then in mocking voice) - how many international football games have you been to?' (er btw he's been to one as far as l know !!)

I mean WTAF ? Who is this man ? He bore no resemblance to my usual lovely DH ! He was like some 1950s caricature - women shouldnt have an opinion on anything to do with anything especially football - that's mens domain etc etc.

We went to next pub and had another row about something and nothing (at least l thought so - I said Hiya to someone a little too enthusiastically apparently ) . So on way home he said 'Another night out with Sudaname - ends up in a row - waste of fucking time'.

He is in spare room - he went there of own accord after telling me to fuck off and leave him alone - he's sick of me etc etc.

Where's my lovely husband gone - anyone seen him ??

and now l can hear him fucking snoring - l mean grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr l am so annoyed. Reading back my OP it sounds really petty but you had to be there l guess. He was just really disproportionately angry at me and condescending in the extreme - just really shooting me down as if every opinion l ever had about everything is shite Just really horrible .

The row in the next pub was because l went to the loo before we left and when l came out he was stood waiting for me and talking to this man at bar. As l walked over the man stopped talking to DH and apologised to me for swearing ( I didnt even hear him swearing or apologise tbh) . all lsaw was this chap talking to my DH then stops when l walk over and looks at me smiling. So l just said 'hiya' (as you do !) and he extended his hand to shake mine and l shook his hand and said pleased to meet you' Then the barman started to serve him so l just stood there and looked to DH for whether he was gonna wait and say goodbye to his 'friend'. DH just stood glaring at me so l said quietly 'Who is he?' - 'I've no fucking idea' came the charming reply from DH. Apparently this fella had just asked him something about closing time or something when I rolled up.

So then all the way home my DH is going 'hiya' in a really silly voice coupled with an over the top cheesy false grin - obviously mimicking me.

I mean WTAF ?? I ask again - where is my lovely DH ?

Were you both drunk? I hope it just blows over, there is nothing worse than a drunken row. It seems very important at the time but when you sober up it rarely is.

Hello ? Please is anyone out there - I really need some perspective on this - even if it's 'leave the bastard'

'Oh they'll probably go and stab some English fans now etc

Napoli have a very active hooligan element with both Bayern and Liverpool fans having been stabbed after matches by Napoli's so called 'ultras.' Your husband's comments whilst a crass generalisation,were not plucked out of thin air.

I would suggest both of you lay off the booze a bit and avoid contentious topics, that in the grand scheme of things, don't matter.

ComposHat is right. Visiting supporters have been stabbed before in Naples and I think even English football fans were cautioned to be extra vigilant this year.

Also, people turned into different people when it comes to sports. They lose their sanity. We have heard of parents going crazy against coaches and officials on behalf of their children. We have seen viral YT videos of fans sobbing hysterically or doing crazy things for their teams whether they win or lose.

Sometimes, its just better to not engage fans if you just don't care that much care about sports.

Seems its not the sports but the drink that's the problem.

Dont expect too many replies at 3am! When you do get some replies they'll be the usual unsympathetic MN shit.
How horrible for you, its really upsetting and unfair when that kinda misunderstanding happens. Is there anything on his mind and he's just taking it out on you? How long have you been married? Had he drunk much? He should have been in a better mood if Chelsea won. I think Football is best left to the men in the pub. If i went to watch football i'd be bored rigid. Hope you sleep now and everything is better in the morning.

I can see what upset you about this - he sounds like he's speaking with disrespect and contempt and that's a major indicator for whether a relationship can be successful in the future. In a sense, it doesn't matter what the argument was about, mocking you and mimicking your voice don't have a place in a loving relationship. I hope things are better in the morning and he apologises but I'd be wary, contempt is really damaging.

He sounds very twatty, sorry.

I agree with Moobee.

I hope it was a one off from drink and high testosterone levels at the pub.

We all have bad days, but we have less inhibitions when drunk, so I wonder if his real attitude towards you is like this.

Drunken rows are always about stupid stuff. DH and I hardly ever row as we are both pretty mellow, but once we had this ridiculous pissed argument about whether Kate Moss (who neither of us really give a stuff about) should be jailed for taking coke. I stormed off in the end, fuming my arse off and swearing I was leaving the next day. The next day we were both

I too wondered about how much you'd both drunk.

If every night out ends up with arguments - I'd be looking at why and if its because of drink - lay off it.

I think the first row set the tone for the evening. In fact in that case I can see where your DH is coming from. My DH really wanted to see his team in Europe last year, the one match he could have got to was v Napoli and he wouldn't go because it often gets 'lively' ie violent there.

Total misunderstanding in the second row but you were already grumpy with each other so I'm sure that contributed.

The last comments weren't nice and telling you to f off is not on, but some couples have relationships like that, do you usually or was this a one off?

Oh god, I bet it was his image. In front of other men. You "showed him up" (you didn't, I'm speculating that's his view) Woman argues with man in front of other men. Woman pulls men up on shoddy behaviour, in front of other men Someone pass me the smelling salts!

Highly twatty of him.

I bet he wakes up and still thinks you're wrong.

He behaved like an absolute twat. Being sworn at and patronised is not on. You need to talk to him and ask why exactly he feels like he can talk to you like this, drunk or no.

I think, given that you are half Italian, it felt like a jab at you, for your husband to me making nasty comments about other Italians. My dh is a bit like this when it comes to London football clubs (I am from London). It really, really pisses me off, to the point where I could batter him over the head with a frying pan, and I truly don't even give a toss about football. It does feel personal, even if what the other person is saying, is factually correct.

The other behaviour that evening sounds very 'off' too. Some people really shouldn't drink - it makes them aggressive and argumentative. I think your dh may be one of them. When he gets up, tell him how offensive you found his behaviour (how he treated you when you said hiya to the other man was unacceptable). If he was mine, I'd tell him that I won't be going out with him again if he drinks or behaves like that ever again.

Agree with uthertheterrible. Twat

Morning everyone !

Thanks for all your replies. I will update you all but l have no idea where to go from here or what to think.

DH woke me this morning - l slept in our bedroom - well l say slept. He came in showered and dressed for work so had obviously got up early. He had a cup of tea in one hand for me (always makes me brew in morning) and his cup of coffee in his. He sat on the bed and said without bringing up either argument again (i.e.' but you were wrong about the fans or you annoyed me with the stranger' ) that he was really sorry about last night and that he said some horrible things and he didnt mean any of them and he loved me very very much.

He told me he has been having a crap time at work and he is very very tired and he was in a really bad mood and with regards to the stranger it wasnt a possesive thing but he just really really wanted to go home (we had ummed and ahhed a lot about whether to go to the second pub or go home and he had really wanted to go home but just agreed to one more cos l wanted to).

I must say l have never ever seen any signs of jealousy or paranoia from him and l have always freely chatted to men as much as women and had a laugh with them etc etc and had l seen any sign of it l would have run a mile as my first H was very much like that. In fact my current DH often says how nice it is to see me chatting/ having rapport etc etc with men when we are out without worrying about what he is thinking or what will happen when we get home etc etc as he knows for years that was an absolute no no with my first DH - so he loves to see me happy and relaxed. So l tend on balance to accept this wasnt a jealous reaction to me talking to 'shock horror' a man and more a case of 'what the fuck is she doing now - why's she just stood there like a lemon waiting to talk more to this complete stranger when l'm stood here waiting to go home'

He did add that none of the above was an excuse for speaking to me like that.

To whoever said about the drinking - we'd only had three and four drinks respectively - him four,me three so l dont think excessive alcohol was the problem but added to his tiredness etc etc was still very probably a factor.
We dont go out and get rolling drunk and stagger home arguing - as l know some couples do - we only go out once occasionally twice a week if that.

He said he was just really pissed off and these horrible things came in his head and next thing they were coming out of his mouth and even when he said them he knew he shouldnt be. He also said he did not want me to ever think that l couldnt talk to men etc - he really really didnt have any issues with that and would hate to see me going back to feeling like that with him like l did with exh.

So what do you think ladies and gentlemen of the jury - should l forgive and forget ?

We've been married 2 years whoever asked btw and together for six.

I would, don't feel you have to.

Comtempt is really damaging to a relationship but if my dh did this I would know he was projecting and really fucking exhausted and fucked off.

Only you know what it means in your relationship. In my relationship we would absolutely be sorry if we did that to the other - I can't quite imagine that level of contempt or argument for us but we have proper rows sometimes too - just without that level of disparaging.

in fact we have a row every half term when we're knackered

Also, alcohol and exhaustion can take away the rational thinking and processing part of the brain so we are more likely to revert to our default and primary behaviour.

Your dh's default position is sarcasm and being contemptuous (maybe a bit sexist and concerned with 'appearance') - mine's a little bit like that - the sarcasm and 'appearance' bit as my father would be hideous in public and I spent my childhood cringing at his racism to waiters in Indian restaurants etc

Unless this is a clear pattern of behaviour I would forgive and forget. TBH, there are a couple of occasions when I have behaved in an equally childish and rude manner to DH in our time together (usually because of a mixture of alchohol and something else that was going on in my life/work at the time, which all came spilling out as vitriol against him when we had an argument.) He has apologised (as he deserved to.) I would let it go.

I would forgive and forget. Sometimes I say mean things just because I am in a bad mood and I would hate for my dh to hold it against me. He explained and it seems a totally reasonable explanation to me - pissed off, tired, football and booze is never a good combination!

Oh sorry - l know its already a novel but something else he said when l asked him was one of the reasons he was so disproportionately angry with me and therefore horrible was because l compared him to my exh when we walked out of the pub and said something like 'Oh god forbid l talk to anyone with a penis' because that's how l read it. He said he was really annoyed by that as he is nothing like my exh (he isnt tbf).

It just sounds like a pissed up silly night out...with no proper control. Forget it.

I'd let it go this time.