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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband feeding baby from a jar

153 replies

Ilikechocs · 14/03/2012 20:03

DS2 is 16 weeks old today. He's a breastfed baby with the odd formula bottle. Has a bit of a cold just now so was up a couple of times last night, having previously slept through.

Had an appointment at teatime for a well needed haircut so DH came home from work and took over. Came home from haircut to find half empty jar of puree on worktop. DH had decided he needed it, hadn't discussed it or anything.

Got a bit annoyed as, with our other children, I would have preferred to start with baby rice when he was first weaned, I would also have taken photos etc and most importantly, I don't think he is ready for it. I would also have made purees myself, although have nothing against jars. I also wouldn't have given him his first taste of solids at 7pm incase it resulted in a sore tummy in the night (which I will have to see to!) Have told him that if DS2 is up in the night, he will have to get up, not me.

Clearly, DH doesn't believe in the art of communication. Am I right to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilikechocs · 15/03/2012 09:23

Iggly - thank you for agreeing with me. That is exactly what I meant.

OP posts:
LizzieMo · 15/03/2012 09:39

My DC1 is ten and the advice then was 16 weeks. When I had my DC2 several years later I did not even check the advice, I just did the same thing, 16 weeks and it was fine the second time too. I remember someone with a baby of the same age being very judgeypants with me as she informed me weaning should be done at six months. I just shrugged as I knew DC2 was doing fine.

Incidentally, I did not discuss it with my DH, I just decided it was time to wean. He did not get upset that I had not included him in the decision. Infact I think he would have been very surprised if I had sought out his opinion at all on the matter, it would probably been met with 'Um, I don't know, what do you think?'
But then, as someone upthread has said, I was The-person-in-charge-of-deciding-that-sort-of-thing. I would not have been upset if he had made the decision to start weaning in the circumstances you describe, I would however have been surprised that he had made a decision at all!!!

MoreBeta · 15/03/2012 09:49

Baby food jars are fine - but I would say only after 6 months and baby rice to start with. That is what we did 11 years ago and I remember it was the advice we got back then. We didnt go in for all the lentil weaving, my baby's body is a temple, organic, home pureed claptrap. We just bought good quality jars and DS1 loved them.

Still cannot believe DH didnt discuss it and just decided to do it off his own bat.

Having said that I did used to squeeze the used tea bag into his bottle if I was having one. He still likes a cup of tea now. Grin

cory · 15/03/2012 10:09

I think either both parents have to be included in any decisions or decisions can be made unilaterally by whichever parent is in charge: which path you take will depend on the individual family, but I can see why the OP is annoyed if decisions have always been made together in the past.

RitaMorgan · 15/03/2012 10:11

Whatmeworry - so anything that doesn't actually kill a baby is fine? The risk of gut infections and digestive problems in adulthood is irrelevant because the baby didn't die Hmm

LizzieMo - 10 years ago the advice was 4-6 months, not 16 weeks.

valiumredhead · 15/03/2012 10:21

11 years ago the advice must've been 16 weeks as that's when I started to wean ds and I did everything by the book and was supervised by HV as ds was prem.

Whatmeworry · 15/03/2012 10:28

I think either both parents have to be included in any decisions or decisions can be made unilaterally by whichever parent is in charge: which path you take will depend on the individual family, but I can see why the OP is annoyed if decisions have always been made together in the past.

I rather get the impression that DH was not allowed to make decisions here :o

Fwiw we found (by trial and error) that it was far easier to say "decisions are made unilaterally by person in charge", stops a lot of flapping around.

Whatmeworry - so anything that doesn't actually kill a baby is fine? The risk of gut infections and digestive problems in adulthood is irrelevant because the baby didn't die

Oh good lord - the child is 16 weeks, not 16 days old - when mine were thata ge the advice was wean when ready. "Advice" for babies waxes and wanes with fashions I have found.

RitaMorgan · 15/03/2012 10:29

From 1994 official NHS guidance was 4-6 months. One of the reasons it was changed to 6 months in 2003 was that HVs tended to interpret 4-6 months as "all babies must be weaned at 16 weeks", which is too soon for most babies.

WilsonFrickett · 15/03/2012 10:31

It's such a random thing to do, I think OP is right in suspecting a MIL hand in it somewhere...

Goawaybob · 15/03/2012 10:51

I can see the headlines now "father feeds hungry child without consulting mother first" Has anyone informed SS?

This amuses me - all this wait until 6 months crap. I have two DDs, big gap - 15 years in fact. When i had DD1 i was actively encouraged by my HV to feed at four months, earlier even, if "baby needs it".

15 years later i had the SAME HV advising me to absolutely not feed DD2 before six months "baby doesn't need it". Thats funny i say, i was told when i had DD1 to feed at four months - she was Shock and said "whoever told you that dear" errr YOU DID!!! It was a classic moment. She was a useless HV.

Yes so there is more research in place now, but in ten years time there will be even more and they may change their advice all over again. We may even be being actively encouraged to, dare i say it, bottle feed.

Oh FWIW my DD1 is a fit and healthy 21 year old with no allergies, digestive problems and is NEVER at the doctors. She did have a terrible attitude between the ages of 14 and 17, ahhh, i can see where i went wrong now!

Goawaybob · 15/03/2012 10:54

If he had decided not to feed the baby before his wife got home, would we now be having a thread about "my DH left my baby hungry - does the man have no initiative"?

He made a decision to give HIS baby some puree and he is irresponsible. Men really can't win can they

Whatmeworry · 15/03/2012 10:55

From 1994 official NHS guidance was 4-6 months. One of the reasons it was changed to 6 months in 2003 was that HVs tended to interpret 4-6 months as "all babies must be weaned at 16 weeks", which is too soon for most babies.

This is probably going to shock you, but babies didn't read the 1994 guidelines and won't read the 2003 ones either :o

RitaMorgan · 15/03/2012 10:56

Here's a shocking idea - how about feeding the baby milk?

Kveta · 15/03/2012 10:58

YANBU OP.

it's not just the age, processed food, or the fact you weren't there when it happened - it's the lack of discussion with you that seems odd to me.

DH and I discussed weaning DS, although it was left up to me to decide when, we had at least agreed on our strategy etc beforehand. Same for potty training, sleep training, hair cuts, child care and the rest. We're both the parents, we should both be on board with any parenting decisions.

Eggrules · 15/03/2012 11:11

As this is DC no 2 I would assume that OH would have an idea about what to do? My OH has always looked after DS in a very different way to how I do. I consider myself to be the primary care giver, however OH does still have a say and I trust him to make decisions even if I don't always agree with them.

MY DS is 5 and I was advised to try to wait until 17 weeks to wean. He was massive and was ready much earlier than this.

You say that DS2 woke due to cold rather than as a consequence of 1/2 jar of baby food. If you agreed your DH would get up in the night, then he should have.

Iggly · 15/03/2012 11:21

Whatme babies can't read full stop. A baby can't read SIDS guidance, car safety advice etc so do we ignore it if baby, for example doesn't like a car seat or only sleeps on a sofa with smoker dad?

auschopper · 15/03/2012 11:40

YABU - It was only half a jar of it, and well, DS2 might have liked it. I wonder if you do make any executive decisions without consulting DH on everything. It wasn't as if it was going to be a permanent move to solids and your not going to be needed any more.

I had a similar argument when we put our son on solids. Otherwise it would have just continued and continued as she felt that DW was going to loose something by not being his only source of food.

I honestly can't see what the issue is, other than you felt that you have lost some sort of control.

LizzieMo · 15/03/2012 12:11

Rita Ten years ago the official NHS guidelines might have been to feed your child green cheese from the moon for all I know. I went on the advice of the HV and she told me 16 weeks. I saw no reason not to trust her word. Do you think I am making it up just because I went by verbal advice from what I took to be a qualified and experienced HV rather than NHS 'guidelines?'

RuleBritannia · 15/03/2012 13:53

My son was 5 months old when he had a tin of Heinz baby food. He was still hungry so he finished another one. He was still hungry and kept eating until he had got through a large tin of Ambrosia creamed rice as well. He sat there just looking like a pudding and pleased with himself.

MoreBeta · 15/03/2012 14:55

OK I confess that I may have given DS1 some mashed potato and gravy on the end of my finger at 4 months and I may have forgotten to mention it to DW.

Iggly · 15/03/2012 15:10

Naughty Beta

choceyes · 15/03/2012 15:10

YANBU I'd have been very unimpressed. That solids were introduced so early, posing a rink to the babies health and also because your DH didn't discuss it with you prior to giving the jar.

Oh and babyrice is not much better either, nutrionally.

Iggly · 15/03/2012 15:25

Lizzie, I'm not sure I'd call a HV qualified in infant feeding. Especially after the horrors read on MN and experienced myself. Mine told me to eat cheese on toast before bed to replenish my milk Hmm and wean DS on yoghurts/cheese despite me telling her he was intolerant and made him sick Hmm

TinOfTigerFood · 15/03/2012 15:39

Maybe you baby was crying and because your partner couldnt give breast milk he gave the puree out f desperation to settle baby down, maybe he didnt want to ring you when you were getting your hair cut.
Does he lack confidence in matters of babies early months? If you get furious with him he may clam up and not want to help any more?

MsF1t · 15/03/2012 15:47

Well, I'm another one who would be very pissed off if my partner had done this. We do make parenting decisions together, but at 4 months she was still (as near as possible) exclusively breast fed. If he had her, I would trust him to make sensible decisions on his own, of course: but if she was hungry, I'm reasonably certain he would have given her what she would normally have had- milk. It would have been weird to give her solids as she was younger than we had discussed weaning her at.

If he had felt she was ready for solids, then I'm also pretty certain he would have spoken to me first, not sneaked off to the shops and got a jar of food when my back was turned. (Or made it himself from organic locally sourced ingredients delivered by hemp-shod yaks. Or whatever. FFS.)

There are implications for allergies, apart from anything else: my sister had very severe allergies, so from my point of view, any increased risk is a risk too far. Aside from that, I wouldn't have wanted to miss her having her first food- nor would he have.

I think you folk who are getting all arsey about the OP's 'poor husband' not being trusted are totally missing the point, and I find that argument quite odd, to be honest.

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