AIBU to think that WOHM's don't "do the same as SAHMs AND work too!"

[eppa]

Firstly this is not a WOHM bashing thread at all.

Its just that I'm a SAHM and have been offended and hurt by a couple of real life comments basically saying that I shouldn't complain as I'm only a SAHM and that WOHM have to do everything I do AND they manage to work as well.

I disagree with this because for me an average day includes: making and clearing up after three meals, going out to baby groups, park, docs appts, trying to think up and doing activities such as cooking and painting and reading AND trying to keep on top of the mess that having 2 children in the house all day entails.

However a WOHM would get DC up and dressed, drop them at nursery where they would get their 3 meals, do activities etc, pick them up and return to a house that was clean (or the same state as it was left in!).

Obviously both WOHMs and SAHMs work and they both work hard and WOHMs do parent when they are at home. Its just that I don't think its fair to claim that WOHMs somehow do more than SAHMS.

Why is it we women always make martyrs of ourselves, showing how hard our lives are?
Isn't a better measure of your life how much you enjoyit?

It all depends. I get what the OP is saying, in that if you have a younger child in nursery you literally do drop them off before breakfast and pick them up after tea.

But I'll give you 2 different scenarios. When DD1 turned 1 I went back to work 3 days a week. It was a 15 minute drive to work and the nursery was literally next door to my office. Flexitime so I could avoid rush hour if I wanted and didn't have to stress about those mornings when we were late. DD usually had 3 meals at nursery so I would just pick her up at 5, home by 5.15, give her a snack, then bath and bed and the house did indeed stay tidy all day.

Now I have 2 kids age 4 and 2. I work 3 days including weekends, an hours commute away. My SAHM days (I.e DH is in work and I'm at home) are what I count as my days off- that is my only 'free' time. On weekends DH has both kids on his own all day. The one day a week that DH and I both work the same day and the kids are in nursery is stressful as hell- rushing to leave the house for 7.30 to drop them off on time, stand up on a smelly commuter train, long day with no lunch break, hour long commute home to pick up 2 very tired cranky kids at 6.30, and they always end up late to bed. I'm just glad we only do that one day a week!

So the answer is technically I agree, WOHMs do not work and do 'the same' as they are at work while someone else is doing the finger painting/ potty training etc. But there are so many variations on work that people do these days that there is no way to do a straight comparison really.

The one luxury of being a SAHM though is time- as in on my days at home with the kids I am as busy or as lazy as I feel like. Some days I arrange back to back playdates/trips out and have really busy days, other days I decide I can't be arsed and have a day where me and the kids mooch around on our own, watch tv, maybe go for a walk, and eat fishfingers for dinner. The stressful thing about my work days is always having to be somewhere at any given time, and feeling like there isn't enough time in the day to do all the things I need to do.

It all depends. I get what the OP is saying, in that if you have a younger child in nursery you literally do drop them off before breakfast and pick them up after tea.

But I'll give you 2 different scenarios. When DD1 turned 1 I went back to work 3 days a week. It was a 15 minute drive to work and the nursery was literally next door to my office. Flexitime so I could avoid rush hour if I wanted and didn't have to stress about those mornings when we were late. DD usually had 3 meals at nursery so I would just pick her up at 5, home by 5.15, give her a snack, then bath and bed and the house did indeed stay tidy all day.

Now I have 2 kids age 4 and 2. I work 3 days including weekends, an hours commute away. My SAHM days (I.e DH is in work and I'm at home) are what I count as my days off- that is my only 'free' time. On weekends DH has both kids on his own all day. The one day a week that DH and I both work the same day and the kids are in nursery is stressful as hell- rushing to leave the house for 7.30 to drop them off on time, stand up on a smelly commuter train, long day with no lunch break, hour long commute home to pick up 2 very tired cranky kids at 6.30, and they always end up late to bed. I'm just glad we only do that one day a week!

So the answer is technically I agree, WOHMs do not work and do 'the same' as they are at work while someone else is doing the finger painting/ potty training etc. But there are so many variations on work that people do these days that there is no way to do a straight comparison really.

The one luxury of being a SAHM though is time- as in on my days at home with the kids I am as busy or as lazy as I feel like. Some days I arrange back to back playdates/trips out and have really busy days, other days I decide I can't be arsed and have a day where me and the kids mooch around on our own, watch tv, maybe go for a walk, and eat fishfingers for dinner. The stressful thing about my work days is always having to be somewhere at any given time, and feeling like there isn't enough time in the day to do all the things I need to do.

Oh dear! I was not casting aspersions on anyone else's curtains. As pagwatch helpfully pointed out on my behalf (thank you ), I was talking about myself and in a slightly tongue in cheek way. Sort of saying that I find stuff to do on a regular basis that really doesn't need doing.

The truth is, as the years have gone by and I have become greyer, I have long since given up judging people or making assumptions about them based on their choices surrounding work/education/finances/homes/baby feeding choices and pretty must everything else. Unless they litter or leave their dog shit in the street. Then I judge.

WOHM what does this stand for ????

"if you have a younger child in nursery you literally do drop them off before breakfast and pick them up after tea. "

Do you really? Never heard of such a place. Drop off after breakfast (to achieve this before work, without getting so stressed that you throw the breakfast and/or the child across the kitchen, you need to get up around 6.30), pick up before tea (at which point child is tired, so are you, but you have to take them home and cook while you're all simultaneously hungry and stroppy).

I have worked full and part time and been at home at different stages..... all mums have it hard. Regardless of where we are we are hopefully trying our best and attempting to right by our children.
It is difficult being at home and giving 100% to entertain children all day and keep the house nice. And it is equally difficult being at work for 9 hours and giving 100% effort in a job and then coming home and giving 100% effort trying to make up for not being there during the day.

It is even harder if you are not getting much sleep for whatever reason.
Most women do what they think is best for them and their families. I dont get why people want to argue about whether their life is "harder" than everyone else!

I drop DS before breakfast, pick him up after tea :)

..of course that means I have to leave the house before 7am, drop off, commute for an hour, work full day, commute, pick-up, snack for DS, bath, stories and bed.

It's a right doss

My life is harder having a 5 year old son and a 2 year old daughter and working part time, plus all the housework ect leaves me exchusted at the end of the day. But I do think sahm also have it hard, I know after having a few weeks off work I miss working and in need of adult company.

In my view wohm and sahm have difficulties but neither have it easier or harder as most mums I know go to bed knackered

AllPastYears, mine have been at 3 different nurseries and this has always been the case. I guess I should have said you CAN drop them off before breakfast and pick them up after tea.

Not saying it's easy, just saying it is true.

AllPastYears, mine have been at 3 different nurseries and this has always been the case. I guess I should have said you CAN drop them off before breakfast and pick them up after tea.

Not saying it's easy, just saying it is true.

Well, I work full time, but do 3 long days, then every 4 weeks do 4, so I have my two children 3-4 days a week. My sil looks after my children for me, and when i get home after 8 pm, I have to do all the tidying from the day, which is never done, all the washing up from the day, sort clothes for the next day etc...I barely have time to eat before I have to go to bed, to be up at 6 am the next day if I am at work again!

Then I have to fit in shopping, drs appointments, time with the children and all the other stuff that comes with life in the days I am off, when I, tbh am so tired from work I wish I could just sleep on the sofa!

And i am shortly to change to doing nights only, as my childcare will no longer be available, so I will have to try and get sleep fitted in the in the day, as well as normal day stuff, meals, nursery drop off for 4 year old etc...

But it is my life and my choice so I tend not to try to compare it to others in the main. You just have to make of it what you can and try not to spend too much time crying in the toilet, when the kids are banging on the door, as they want to "watch you wee"!!!!!

I think both have their negatives/positives to be honest.

I am a SAHM. My eldest is at school and I have my toddler at home with me all the time.

I am certainly busy. But in some ways it makes life easier when the children are ill as I do not need to try and arrange time off from work.

My eldest had chicken pox 3 weeks ago and was off school for a week. This last week my youngest has had chicken pox and it has been much more severe.

This is as well as the constant colds, sickness bugs etc.

I can't imagine working as how the hell would I manage to do a full month with no days off to look after the children!

I had to do everything described in the OP, try and keep my job whilst my boss clearly hates me and then come home and clear up after the nanny too and drive her home if it was after 7pm.
Do I win ?

of course mums who work outside the home all day don't do the same as a mum at home, that would be impossible

mums at home spend the day with their kids, mums who work during the day, say 9-5, don't

its not rocket science

both mums probably do most of the housework, arranging kids stuff, shopping etc., but at different times

to everyone who says I'm wrong, if you're at home with the kids you must be doing stuff you can't do if you're at work, unless you work in a nursery!

I don't feel like I "have it hard". I prefer to think how much I love my job. And bring a mom. And what a lovely life I have

If I continuously thought of my life as "hard" and a constant struggle / battle / competition to see who has it hardest, I would never get out of bed

Meh. It's all I can muster.

I am both (work 22.5 hours a week). I don't "drop my kids off before breakfast"; I do pick them up after tea because they like to eat at 5pm, when I'm finishing work. I do then have to cook an evening meal for myself/dh though, so actually as a sahm you're making one more meal (though technically not as I have to do packed lunches).

Housework is down to me to slot in when I can. I don't do swimming lessons 'tis true - dh takes him because his lesson starts before I finish work.

Doctors appointments etc down to me too, unless in school holidays.

I have no idea why I'm listing this stuff. Personally I don't give a crap what anyone else thinks about it. Didn't when I was a sahm either. I don't need other people's opinions to validate my choices. And totally what CurrySpice said at 21:08.

I don't work very hard at all, whether on mat leave or not, I just potter about. My DS is lovely and we eat well and the house is clean and I'm hitting all my targets at work. So I suspect noone actually slaves away except in physical jobs. You're all making it up just like me...

Dh and I share care of the dds, he is at home 3 days while I work long days then vice versa. We have done various permutations of this.

We both agree that with young children & jobs that are hard but not physically taxing, a day at home is usually harder than a day at work. Being at home is hard, relentless, boring & thankless.

However for those that do work i think the time outside of working hours is harder as you are trying to fit more in. Fwiw my dd only every had one meal and a light tea at nursery so I still had 2 meals to worry about. And what with paying £42 a day there wasn't a whole lot left for a cleaner.

It's different for everyone & it depends what you enjoy. Shouldn't be a competition though.

It is all easy if you only have one child are freelance and a master of delegation. I am and always have been supremely idle but look busy and it has served me well. I would say though having a few young children and a busy job out of the home must surely be very hard whereas being stay at home may be a PITA but isn't hard

Oh, if only I had seen this thread earlier today. But then, I was at work, see. It's now 10 and I've just sat down after...oh, a long old day, work, organising house, child, swimming club, homework, cooking, laundry, driving around, yadda, yadda. Of course it's bloody easier being a SAHM, in the sense of having more time to focus on the one thing. I know this because I've done it. But - you don't get the money, you don't get the interaction with adult world of work and all the stimulation that goes along with it and home and childcare doesn't seem quite the lovely contrast from the workplace that it feels for me these days. So I know which life I prefer. But each to their own, eh?

To go back to an earlier point...

WOHM mums do less CHILDCARE but we still have to do the same amount of parenting.

I'm sorry, but it's much harder woh than SAH as you do not have the option to pace your days to suit yourself and your child.

And yet still they need fed and clean socks and taken to activities and homework listened to and played with, and they especially when small are often tired when you are trying to do all this..and then if you have a job like mines your boss calls at half nine or you need to do prep for the next day, and the washing needs folded and packed lunches made and dishes done...

And then at weekends you get to do everything in two days instead of seven.

I have done both and woh is harder, but it's also more rewarding for me and I wouldn't swap back. But I need to excel in two separate arenas now in order not to be judged badly...parenting AND work...

Yeah it's a doddle innit.

When you are a WOHM, you take your annual leave and, in most cases, use it to spend 24 hours a day with you DC. And you refer to it as a HOLIDAY.

Nuff said!

:o

If you work nights or evenings & weekends you do OP. You are, essentially, a SAHM during the standard working week but then - when the rest of the 9-5 Monday-Friday world is having a bit of a rest at the weekend, you are out at work.

But then, weekday workers would probably argue they get very little rest when at home. I'm pretty sure that most parents who work Monday-Friday 9-5 are then condensing all of their housework/helping with homework etc. etc. into evenings and weekends. So, yes, you actually are doing both things.

My view may well be skewed though because I don't pay for childcare at all. My older DCs are at school (which is when I used to work) and I am currently on maternity leave with DC3. I am due to start a different job in April though - working evenings & weekends, when DH is available to look after the DCs. I should be able to give you a definitive answer by May! .