AIBU to think that WOHM's don't "do the same as SAHMs AND work too!"

[eppa]

Firstly this is not a WOHM bashing thread at all.

Its just that I'm a SAHM and have been offended and hurt by a couple of real life comments basically saying that I shouldn't complain as I'm only a SAHM and that WOHM have to do everything I do AND they manage to work as well.

I disagree with this because for me an average day includes: making and clearing up after three meals, going out to baby groups, park, docs appts, trying to think up and doing activities such as cooking and painting and reading AND trying to keep on top of the mess that having 2 children in the house all day entails.

However a WOHM would get DC up and dressed, drop them at nursery where they would get their 3 meals, do activities etc, pick them up and return to a house that was clean (or the same state as it was left in!).

Obviously both WOHMs and SAHMs work and they both work hard and WOHMs do parent when they are at home. Its just that I don't think its fair to claim that WOHMs somehow do more than SAHMS.

People keep saying
'well I did x and it was easier that y"
Which means absoloutely fuck all.

I have done sahm and wohm. The challenges for each were different. For me.

Well I did x and it was easier that y

But Bronze, if you read the OP, she said that she didn't think it was fair to say that WOHMs do more than SAHMs, and she asked if she was BU. Obviously, individual circumstances will always differ and it's impossible to generalise, but some of us have responded to say that on balance, and all other things being equal, WOHMs frequently do do more than SAHMs.

Actually, though, having re-read the OP, I'm pretty sure she was just out to start a bun fight. The ludicrous picture she paints of the average working mum shipping her kids off to nursery for three meals a day can only have been included to provoke a reaction.

And just when things are starting to get easier for us we go and do something to make it more difficult again.

Children off to school ? Get a job

One child potty trained ? Have another !

We're all gluttons for punishment - and proud of it !

(Realises there are financial - and social - pressures too)

y is really difficult though, especially when it's asked over and over again

I am back at work after a year at home on maternity leave. Easiest year of my life. I now have to juggle childcare with high pressure work, after a sleepless night of teething, that's a major challenge and an error could cost millions. Whilst the nature of the work is different...I definitely think staying home and playing with a child, managing a home is a lot easier. Sadly it just wasn't for me. Funnily enough I do still have to manage the home...just spend less hours in it.

Personally, I think you can take cooking/cleaning/shopping etc out of the equation. Some lucky/wealthy WOHM get these taken care of, but most WOHM and SAHM have to do these themselves. But what SAHM have to do which WOHM don't is hours and hours of relentless childcare.

I'm half-time WOHM and half-time SAHM, and definitely find work less exhausting than childcare (DCs 2&4). I have a job that I love, which helps a lot, but it is stressful and very busy and demanding - but less so than childcare, which I find delightful but also frustrating, relentless, etc.

I also find I hardly get any decent housework done when I'm with the children, which means I'm doing it on evenings and weekends, like any full-time WOHM (and also living in chaos).

So I don't think YABU. For most people, they are equally hard - though obviously this depends on how old your children are, how long your hours are, how stressful your job is, how much extra help there is, how much you love/hate childcare, etc.

I'm a SAHM of 2 pre schoolers and I find it easier than when I was a p/t WOHM of one toddler.

But I do get why it annoys you if people say that they've done the same as you when they haven't been looking after their children all day long.

I don't really get why women suddenly start doing all this comparative "I've got it worse than you" shit once they have children though.

I don't remember my female friends and I comparing our different jobs pre children and banging on about how other people have it easier etc etc. Why do people do it now?

It annoys me when anyone does it actually. From the SAHM of one 4 year old at my DDs pre school banging on about how being a SAHM is "the hardest job in the world" (give me a break) to the "oh my goodness I'm such an important high flying lawyer and I do EVERYTHING at home as well" types.

Just, you know, get on with living your life and SHUT UP going on about it.

Jin for what it's worth I think most WOHM probably work harder than me now. But when I had 3 preschoolers I think I may have punched a WOHM with one school age child who claimed to work harder than me.
I am beginning to regain some stability now though as my youngest has finally started sleeping longer stretches, I may not have agreed with myself a while ago.

well I suppose the MIL may have said that a WOHM does the same and more than a SAHM, but she didn't mean that did she? She was making a judgment on which was easier.

I didn't do the same in each case, but it was the "fun" stuff I didn't do while I worked - the baby clubs, the painting, the sitting on the floor with my baby during the day - that's not to say my children didn't do that, but someone else got to do it with them. I still do all of the dross though.

You can't say what's easier and what's harder because there are so many variables.

in the OP's case, she needs to be comfortable with her choices and tell her MIL to fuck off imo. I now find that I really don't need to justify my decisions/choices around anything to anyone.

You mean she should have just replied 'yes but other WOHP don't have you as a mil'

jinsei I was not out to start a bun-fight I was genuinely interested to get others opinions although I suppose it is a controversial topic. But it has been interesting for me to hear what everyone has to say.

I agree that there is not one role that is harder or easier and that it can change depending on circumstance/age of children etc.

However my original post was more around asking if it was fair to say that WOHMs did exactly the same as SAHMs AND worked too i.e that they did more or worked harder in some way - and I still think on balance that I was not being unreasonable in thinking that.

Thank you to the person who suggested contacting my hv but I can assure you I am managing fine - just facing the normal challenges of 2 pre-schoolers!

But, coraltoes, that's the thing isn't it? For you it was easier being at home. For others, working outside the home will be easier. In my case, WOTH was easier than being at home with 3 children under 5, none in nursery or daycare. I now have 4, the 2 eldest are at school and DC3 is in nursery. Absolutely being at home with one child is easier than working but only to me, not for everyone. Maybe if I cleaned the oven weekly, I'd find it harder...

I agree with you bronze, but I also stand by my earlier comment that some people just seem better equipped to deal with pre schoolchildren at home all day. I look at some other mothers and think how well the cope/discipline/fit stuff in/having a neat and tidy house etc and I feel a bit of a failure by comparison. I just seem to muddle along and make a hash of it. My eldest is severely disabled though but I think i still would have struggled. It's like now, if I work weekends and dh has the children the house is immaculate when i get home, dinner is cooked, children bathed and ready for bed, fires lit, dog fed. Everyone happy.

I had a years maternity leave, then worked part-time 3 days a week for 3 years and am now a SAHM whose child is now at school, so have experience of various roles.
Being a SAHM of school child is definitely the easiest and least stressful, but in respect of the other two could depend on the day which was the hardest work. I was definitely more organised when I worked. The whole family would be out of the house for 11 hours (including 1 hour commute each way) on days I worked, my DS and I then would have 2 chill out days and most housework would either be done late at night or at the weekend (I certainly don't miss ironing at 10pm)
However, in respect of people who say that SAHM and WOHP do the same amount of housework, I certainly do more housework now. Hoovering etc gets done more than once a week. I iron pretty much everything now whereas I used to try and get away without ironing things before and clothes (especially DSs) get washed more frequently (before, if it didn't smell and wasn't too dirty it would be fine for another day ) I do more gardening now, trying to grow more vegetables etc.
I have also tried to fill my days with other things that I did not do when I worked, I do volunteer work, helping out both at school and at Beavers. I also have a voluntary job at a charity and I have an ad hoc part time job. This means that some weeks I do more hours than I did when I worked. I have also discovered MN which keeps me quite busy

The thing is most working parents work and cook, clean, shop, take their DC to docs etc.

Though not me. I outsource as much as I can whether I'm working or not.

Jin for what it's worth I think most WOHM probably work harder than me now. But when I had 3 preschoolers I think I may have punched a WOHM with one school age child who claimed to work harder than me.
I am beginning to regain some stability now though as my youngest has finally started sleeping longer stretches, I may not have agreed with myself a while ago.

Yeah, I get where you are coming from. As I said in an earlier post, there are lots of variables, including the number of kids, the age of the kids and the personalities of the kids. My dd has always been a doddle to look after, whereas my job is bloody hard work, so I can never really understand it when people talk about how hard it is to look after kids all day long. But I realise that everyone has different circumstances.

I guess what riles me about posts like the OP is that some SAHMs seem to think that working parents somehow escape all of the domestic drudgery & do next to nothing for the kids. I don't know any WOHMs who live like that.

But if we're handing out medals for who has it the hardest, I'd like to give one to my WOH neighbour who is a lone parent to two gorgeous girlies. She works night shifts as a nurse, while her mum stays with the children through the night, and she then comes back for a second shift at home - she only sleeps after dropping the girls off at school, and yet her house is always immaculate and the girls get to have all the playdates & activities they could possibly ask for. Oh, and one of her dd's has SN. I think she has it harder than most of us.

Ooh, my DH is better at getting the house tidy with or without the children around than I am agincourt (Nice to hear of someone else !)

Just congratulate yourself in having good taste in husbands !

bronze -

OP, you say that you didn't mean to start a bunfight, so will you acknowledge that the picture you painted of working mums in your first post is hardly representative of the majority of working mums in reality?

surely we all do the same - WOHMs work outside the home, do the housework and feeding etc and "outsource" the childcare.... SAHMs do the housework and feeding etc and the childcare.

The childcare is as much a "job" for a SAHM as it is to the person the childcare was outsourced to by a WOHM....

I really don't see why there is always an argument about this....

Lovingthecoast

Totally agree. For ME it is easier, but that's my own opinion. Also life isn't all aout easy, it's about fun, it's about challenge and reward. That can be found in a million places and different familial setups. Nobody is wrong or right...as long as they are happy I guess!

Oh crap - I've been a SAHM for 4 years and have it yet been issued with SAHM mandatory day plan. I mean we all do the same don't we?

It's not the fact that parenting is not a one size fits all and on some days it's all I can do to not break out the gin at midday. Some days are fab and some are hard. On some days DH come home to a clean house, happy children, a nutritious home cooked meal and a chirpy me. On others it's chaos as I couldn't be arsed was too busy crafting to do any house work.

The fact that you care is a bigger issue.

Oh and I've always found it hilarious that SAHM are championed so much for staying home with their children but people on benefits are scum.

Yes, but maybe if you'd had 3 children under 5yrs you'd have also been glad of the escape as well as the rewards. I certainly was especially as 2 of the 3 were by anyone's standards, bloody hard work. I admit to being very touchy at that point when friends with one suggested I had it easier than them by being at home.

Now, with just me and DC4 for the mornings at least, it's a different ball game.

Now, see , these kind of threads always make me feel bad because I am a lazy arse whether I'm working full-time, part-time or not at all