AIBU to think that WOHM's don't "do the same as SAHMs AND work too!"

[eppa]

Firstly this is not a WOHM bashing thread at all.

Its just that I'm a SAHM and have been offended and hurt by a couple of real life comments basically saying that I shouldn't complain as I'm only a SAHM and that WOHM have to do everything I do AND they manage to work as well.

I disagree with this because for me an average day includes: making and clearing up after three meals, going out to baby groups, park, docs appts, trying to think up and doing activities such as cooking and painting and reading AND trying to keep on top of the mess that having 2 children in the house all day entails.

However a WOHM would get DC up and dressed, drop them at nursery where they would get their 3 meals, do activities etc, pick them up and return to a house that was clean (or the same state as it was left in!).

Obviously both WOHMs and SAHMs work and they both work hard and WOHMs do parent when they are at home. Its just that I don't think its fair to claim that WOHMs somehow do more than SAHMS.

Ha ha ha Eppa.

Where's Scottishmummy when you need her?

i agree with wordfactory - it is intolerable to believe you must care for your own child for his/her own good if you hate doing so! Hand him/her over to someone who really enjoys taking care of children.

I agree with wordfactory too.

You are up shit creek. I love my life so I don't mind how others organise theirs.

Artesia and LittleAlbert Cheers!

I am doing, what I undertand is known, as pre-loading as I'm out on the lash with a very old friend while my kids are suffering the irreperable damage of being looked after by their father another person other than their mother

Shhot me!

I love my life but I hate other people's chaos landing in my lap!

For pity's sake, won't somebody think of thos poor broken Currychildren??

But why dod you have to do anything about it bonsoir? If it's their problemo let them deal with it.

Oh and I love my life too!

TBH when I was a SAHM I didn't. But it actually didn't take that many changes to turn the whole thing around.

OK - DP's exW decides on spur of moment that she would prefer to attend her friend's party in the south of France rather than host DSS2's Canadian exchange partner for the weekend. What do I do? Have the DCs for the weekend (even though I have plenty on, planned months ahead and it really isn't convenient) or leave them on their own at their mother's home with EUR 300 to play with?

Options are limited sometimes...

Ah.

TBF that's nowt to do with her working though is it?
She does that shit because she's a grade A bitch with no thought for others...

I've just read OPs last post and sorry if I cross post here but what the actual fuck???

ALL children under 3 in child care are suffering??
Really?? Really???
So we will ignore the children under 3 who are suffering from having a SAHP who doesn't want to do it, does not interact with their children, have fun with them, take them out?
Or the WOHP who do (shock horror?!?) look after their children themselves and do a very good job, but work outside the home as well?

Clearly OP you are not enjoying your choices which is why you feel the need to question everyone else? It must make you feel better

I have been both a sahm and a wohm and tbh I think the whole "who does more" argument more exhausting than either of them!!

To answer though, it depends on the person. As a WOHM to 2 under 2 and older kids at school I probably had a harder time of it than I do now as a wohm - my days were longer is all, and I found it harder to fit eveything in.

If I were a sahm now life would be a little bit easier and the stres slevel would be more manageable than my current job, however the budget would be harder to manage. A single Mum prob does do all that a sahm with a DH home in the evenings and week ends does I would have thought but again it would depend on the ages of the children.

Ultimately though who the heck cares??!! Having done both I take mt hats of to both kinds and the part time working mums too because it's a contant juggling act. Rather than compare who has it harder I focus on juggling my own lot in life and lending a hand to any friend who has dropped a ball every now and again in return for help from them when I am in the one struggling.

Ranty post but seriosly OP get a life!

That should say a sahm to 2 under 2......long day (at work )

Actually, despite the offensive claptrap, I find myself feeling rather sorry for the OP. I have suffered from low self-esteem for years, but it gets pretty dire when you feel the need to slag off other people's choices just to feel good about your own. :(

She won't listen because she's too busy defending her position, but she is clearly bitter & frustrated with her life, and I think she needs help. I am not for a minute suggesting that she needs to go out and get a job - I don't think that's the problem. But she does need to learn to define her self worth without reference to other people.

Well said Elvis - and I agree with Jin that the OP does seem to have an issue (but so too do many WOHMs of course).

Just because the truth is unpalatable to you doesn't mean it is someone being nasty.
Children under three placed in daycare do not fare as well as children with SAHPs.
If you choose to have children and then you choose to put them in daycare you need to be aware of the consequences. Then it is up to you if you proceed to put them into daycare or shock horror look after your own children yourself.
Even the best daycare cannot offer the most important ingredient in looking after pre-school children which is love.

Are we sure she isn't a troll? Nobody can be that stupid to think that coming on here and telling all us working mums that we are bad parents is going to go down well. Who is she trying to convince anyway? Sounds like herself to me. Perhaps she needs to justify loosing the career she threw away by attacking those of us that didn't. Those of us that want to provide for our children in the future and not just the present. Those of us that would like to give our children financial security for when they leave home and need a home of their own. In the first year of my daughter's life I have managed to save £500 towards her future, at this rate (although I plan to increase it when she starts school and i'm not paying childcare), by the time she is 20 I will have £10k to help her get a foot on the property ladder - something my parents couldn't do for me because, erm, they lived off one income until I was about 10 years old.

I'm past addressing anything I post back to the OP because I think she is a rude narrow minded bitch. How dare she come on here with her broad statements without thinking about what she is saying. Is a mother that goes to work to feed her children a bad mother? Should parents not eat just to make sure that their children are provided for and have a SAHP? If she chooses to work to provide for the family, does it mean she doesn't love them as much? She obviously thinks that children who grow up in an house where money is limited aren't affected. Ofc they are. I always knew that I couldn't ask for anything that wasn't needed because there was little money to go around. My mum never intended to make me realize what was going on but I wasn't stupid. When my friends were off doing this club and that club I wouldn't ask my mum because I didn't want to put her in the position of having to say no. I'm sure OP would think that this was worth it as I would have mummy to play with, guess what, children need to play with their friends not their mothers. Perhaps it is the OP that doesn't love her children enough and wants to keep them all to herself...

I think I'm going to leave this thread. I have a general rule of not arguing with idiots.

1catherine1

What a sad post. How sad that you feel that £500 equates to a lost year of spending time with your child. Particularly if that year is the vital first year of their life. To me that time is priceless.
A child doesn't start university/buy a home until they are at least 18 so if you were a SAHP for just the first 4 years of their life you would still have 14+ years to save for their future so you could do both easily.
It saddens me too that you feel that children are so affected by not being able to have material things or join clubs. We had no money when I was young but we made our own fun and were happy, I never felt I lost out. Instead I felt sorry for the children I knew who were dragged around by uncaring childminders, parents missed the school play etc.
Do you really feel so badly that children need 'things' to make them happy? Have you never seen a child enjoying feeding bread to the ducks or making a sandcastle or kicking the autumn leaves? These are all FREE.
I also feel sad because this is not your fault - you have been sold the material dream that says work and money are all that matters - as have so many.
And guess what - children of SAHMs have friends too - mine love playing with friends but they also love knowing that their mummy is there when they need me.

And OP, you have been sold the myth that you are the only one who can fulfill your child's emotional needs. You are wrong, it is possible for children to form strong and secure attachments with more than one caregiver. I do not need a study to tell me this, as I have witnessed it for myself.

I guess that's where your theory falls apart, really. Some of us WOHMs can see our happy, thriving children and we know that they are not damaged. Whereas you are basing your own assumptions on a hypothetical situation that isn't the reality.

Yes, many of us WOHM have children who are happy, emotionally in tune and successful. And we have interesting careers which we enjoy too.
That fact clearly pisses Eppa off big time!

Assuming eppa (the OP) isn't a troll, could I give the perspective of a mum with teenagers who has worked ft since they were babies - one aged 4 months when I went back to work (and who, shock horror, was in ft daycare at a workplace nursery), and six months with dc no 2... we had a nanny until she was 18 months then a combination of cm/nursery.

One is now at a RG uni, having achieved great A'levels from a state school, the other doing well in her GCSEs and both are mature, likeable young people (that's not just my stealth boasting, their teachers and other adults have volunteered this).

Firstly, as others have said, your choices are personal...it's what works best for you and your dp/dh, whether that is sahp with wohp, both part-time, sahp with wohm, whatever. We have a wide social circle which encapsulates parents who have done all of these.

Clearly the OP's objective was to a) justify her own choices b) bash wohms (although that took quite a few pages to become clear. a) ok, understandable, b) cruel, and frankly betrays her lack of intellect/emotional intelligence.

To allay the fears of wohms out there, we have raised two happy, achieving, sporty, socially confident dc, despite both dh and I working in busy, pressured but fulfilling environments since they were very young.

We're not hugely financially well-off, but the fact that we both work and love our jobs has helped give our dc stability, not diminish that.

I'm not saying that's the solution for everyone, but it worked for us.. I would have gone beserk being at home with babies and toddlers, but absolutely love being a mum to teenagers (and relish their friends being in the house too).

We always went for the best childcare we could afford and made sure we responded to gut instinct and listened to our children - eg when one cm situation wasn't right for them, we looked around for something else.

I'm not saying it's been easy at all - and I'm not sure it's a route I'd recommend to my dc either from the point of view of the pressure on me and dh, not the effect on the dc, but I can say it doesn't mean the dire warnings that op is putting out there through her evident ignorance will come to pass...

Viz "If you choose to have children and then you choose to put them in daycare you need to be aware of the consequences. Then it is up to you if you proceed to put them into daycare or shock horror look after your own children yourself."

Absolute nonsense! Just do what's best for you and your own family, and listen to your instincts.

Oh, and in response to the OP - who give a damn who works most? Parenting, if you do it properly, is bloody hard work but with great rewards.

Good lord.

Loving "made our own fun".

Excellent!!

There's a whole lot more evidence that being raised in poverty results in negative outcomes for children than being raised by a working mother.

And that working is the quickest way to raise a household out of poverty.

That's to reassure anyone reading who may be worried by the ill informed comments about WOHM on here.

So if you work outside the home, you are not there for your children whenever they need you?!
Dragged about by uncaring child minders
FFS get a grip

''Just because the truth is unpalatable to you doesn't mean it is someone being nasty.
Children under three placed in daycare do not fare as well as children with SAHPs.
If you choose to have children and then you choose to put them in daycare you need to be aware of the consequences. Then it is up to you if you proceed to put them into daycare or shock horror look after your own children yourself.
Even the best daycare cannot offer the most important ingredient in looking after pre-school children which is love.''

Oh, for goodness sakes. Now you really do sound ignorant and nasty, OP.

You are obviously insecure about the choices that you have made or you wouldn't have been affected at all by your MIL's remarks and started a thread on here about them during the course of which you have made increasingly judgemental and inflammatory comments (having said at the start that you didn't want to bash WOHMs).

Personally, I am happy with my choices (as much as you can be). I know that I do my best in difficult circumstances and I am very secure in the fact that I have a very close relationship with all of my children, despite the fact that they have been in daycare 2-3 days a week before they were one year old . Oh, and I haven't observed any 'issues' (whatever that means) as yet and nor have any pre school staff or teachers. Their father also has an extremely close and loving relationship with them despite working an average of 80 hours a week or so.
Why is it so difficult for you to understand that all families are different and have different sets of circumstances which influence their decisions? It isn't a one size fits all scenario and it isn't a competition.