AIBU to think that WOHM's don't "do the same as SAHMs AND work too!"

[eppa]

Firstly this is not a WOHM bashing thread at all.

Its just that I'm a SAHM and have been offended and hurt by a couple of real life comments basically saying that I shouldn't complain as I'm only a SAHM and that WOHM have to do everything I do AND they manage to work as well.

I disagree with this because for me an average day includes: making and clearing up after three meals, going out to baby groups, park, docs appts, trying to think up and doing activities such as cooking and painting and reading AND trying to keep on top of the mess that having 2 children in the house all day entails.

However a WOHM would get DC up and dressed, drop them at nursery where they would get their 3 meals, do activities etc, pick them up and return to a house that was clean (or the same state as it was left in!).

Obviously both WOHMs and SAHMs work and they both work hard and WOHMs do parent when they are at home. Its just that I don't think its fair to claim that WOHMs somehow do more than SAHMS.

No- not yet, just suffering children in daycare and evil mothers who work to buy more handbags!

Of course it isn't OK to be rude about SAHMs.

But OP has argued that WOHMs love their children less than their work and that children suffer in childcare. That is going too far.

Got to go to bed - got another endless round of not looking after my children properly and talking to people over sandwiches to get through tomorrow but at lease I can go bag shopping on Saturday!

Isn't that sort of the point of the OP? That the pace of life as a SAHM isn't slower?

But apparently Bugster it is fine to be rude to WOHPs and suggest that they are greedy conspicuous consumers who don't really love their children and that their children will end up being damaged underachievers. Think that was about the gist of it. People in glass houses and all that.

What is wrong with less stress-

• no money
• no home
• no pension
• will need to send our children to a school where over 70% of the children speak English as second langauge (and don't even get me started on the pathetic excuse for secondary school they would have to go to).

I have no gripe with SAHM, if you can afford it great, if you can't - work. I do not believe my children will be damaged by my working and I do believe that I am opening up opportuinuites for them that they wouldn't have if I stayed at home. But do not come on here making out how hard you have it and pointing out how inadequate we are.

Everything I do is for my children, I work a minimum of 42 hours a week, my day starts at 6.30am and I rarely get to sit down and have time for myself before 10pm and that is with a supportive DH who does more than his fair share. I often feel that I am on the edge of a breakdown- but that is the choice I have made.

Yes - they are really important and worthwhile jobs but surely not more important that your own children? and surely although you love your job you don't love it more than your own children? You can always return to work when the children are older.

And I don't buy the argument that WOHMs are necessarily good models for younger children. Yes its great to show your teenager what they can aspire to but your average 2 year old is just going to want its mummy there to play, feed, care for it - they are not bothered about your highflying job. And while we are at it why is being a SAHM not something for them to aspire to?

I'm afraid that I am getting really really annoyed with the stereotyped assumptions you appear to be making about men and women's roles.

In my case I am the one with the high flying job where I have worked and studied years to get to the level I am. Why should my career be regarded as something a bit insignificant whereas if my DH were to put his career first plenty of people would think that perfectly normal.

As it happened I earned 4 - 5 times more than DH, he had no career path and hated his job so he became a SAHD and now the children are in school is a WAHD.

Most children have parents not just a Mum (stay at home or not!).

There will WOHMs who post comments putting down SAHM's roles, and SAHMs who post comments putting down WOHM's roles. Both are right, and both are wrong. There are WOHMs who work very hard, and SAHMs who work very hard, and both that don't quite work as hard. I won't be too upset about what someone else says about your life - nobody knows what your life is like. I think as long as you are a loving parent, and do your best you can for your kids, that is all that matters. Nobody gets extra points for being a martyr.

Oops, "will be", I mean (line 1)

'Sahm is only a job if the sahm undertakes CPd, is fully qualified as a Childcare practitioner, and follows a curriculum. That is what childcare professionals do. The wage isn't important.'

So a while back when childminding was unregulated, it wasn't a job then? At what point did it suddenly become one?

Agree with SardineQueen about the relatively recent construct of the seperation of work inside and outside the home. Both were valued as 'work' at one point. Also many people used to work less in many times and cultures. 'Work' as it is today isn't necessarily how it should be or 'normal' but we often are convinced that it is.

'I will get flamed for this but being a SAHM is very very cushy and a lot of women dont appreciate how lucky they are.'

I often think I am lucky and am grateful. I know people who would love to SAH and also know people who enjoy WOH and SAH. Everybody is different but for some reason some WOHM want all mothers to work no matter what that mother wants (especially if it is to SAH). Can anyone here explain why they feel that way, if they do? I used to be a working mum, fulltime, and DD1 was in nursery full time. It was only after I had been a SAHM that I appreciated what I had been missing. I am not saying all WOHM would feel that way though. My feelings are that everyone should decide for themselves.

Jellybeans as I said earlier (and so have many other working mothers on this thread) I do not care what other mothers do. I do object to being told that I am inadequate (I am not), I am missing out (I am not) and my children are suffering (they are not).

I haven't bought a handbag for years, but I do transfer a significant amount of money each month to my dd's savings account. I don't want her missing out on opportunities in the future that I missed out on due to a lack of money.

And fwiw, I wish my mum had maintained her career when I was younger, and so does she. It would have been much better for her mental health and mine. She loved being at home when we were very small, but couldn't get back into work when we were older, and she deeply regretted having thrown away a very important and meaningful career, and "wasting" her abundant talent. She became quite seriously depressed when I was a teenager, and that was very difficult. The pressure for DSis and I of being her primary focus, and the guilt I felt at leaving home was almost unbearable. So OP, please don't tell me that SAHMs are always better for the children. In some cases, they are not.

This thread was never going to go well, was it.

The OP's gripe, in her own words, is with some comments made by people in her RL. That has nothing to do with what any other mothers do or think, and everything to do with her self esteem issues.

And the problem will not go away until she addresses these in a constructive way rather than through passive aggression online.

Oh dear.
OP YABVU.
I work full time and today I made my family three meals. Between 6 and 830pm i painted with DS 4 whilst running a late conference call. Tidied up and made tea and packed lunch. Went to the park in the dark to do a bark rubbing for homework with DS3. Spellings with DS2 were done whilst finishing a presentation. I chopped vegetables and played balloon keepy uppy too. Oh, you're right SAHM's do more I didn't manage a playgroup! there isn't one open at 1am and my 2yo is asleep.
Get over it.
Most people with children have a full day whether they work or not. And Mum's, on the whole, do the best job they possibly can regardless of how they define what they do.

Oh for heaven's sake.

I am giving up my part time work to be a SAHM soon. I am a born potter-around-the-house type, and we can -just- afford for me to do it. Also, DS is proving himself to be a very regimented little person. This year has been crazy with pick ups and drop offs and so on, and he is just not doing well.

I have a friend who works a lot. She runs a radio station. She is a born leader and organizer and creative thinker.

We are both making the right choices for us and our families.

Anyone who begrudges anyone that choice, or degrades them for it, should be ashamed of themselves.

I took dd to preschool this morning, came home and watched a bit of the j.kyle to make me laugh a bit. Life doesn't have to be tough for the sahm. I had washing to do too and I didn't do it, we had Chinese takeaway for dinner and I drank wine. I love being sahm because I don't have to do anything if I don't want to.

So the house doesn't have to be clean, you don't have to cool every meal from scratch and watching a film with dcs while you have a nap is sometimes a necessity. It sounds like your problem is with yourself op, relax a bit and everyone will enjoy life a lot more.

*cook

And sorry about the slightly random first paragraph. I am awake due to wine insomnia

I thought a key benefit of being a SAHM was to have less to do than a WOHM. And then you can choose to add in extra things you choose to do if you fancy it.

I think this is the positive bit about being a sahm eppa. Who works the hardest isn't a badge of honour and working the hardest is utterly crap in itself!!! We work for the benefits which vary for individuals. For me it's primarily financial independence and wanting not to bring up my child in poverty and without financial security for any of us.

If WOHMs tell you that life is easier for you just let it go. So what if it is. Enjoy the benefits of your choices and be sure to understand and accept the price you pay for them. That is all any of us can hope to do.

I do find it sad when women have time out of the workplace not realising it can be hard to get back in later on when it suits them. It's also sad when do many relationships end and the wife suddenly regrets not being financially independent and blames the husband for this.

Women, if you give up work to stay home be under no illusion of the price you pay or the risks you run. And then enjoy it if it is the right choice for you.

Hear hear strawberry.
The op must have a great big chip on her shoulder to start this thread. Stop sniping at parents who work - oops sorry women who work- and concentrate on why you're not fulfilled with your own life so you can try to put that right

going to the park and toddler groups, and doing activities such as painting and cooking sound especially tough OP

And while we are at it why is being a SAHM not something for them to aspire to?

Genuine question here OP - would being a SAHD be something you would like your son to aspire to?

If your daughter wants to leave school at 16 on the grounds that she didn't want a career, but wanted to meet someone and stay at home to raise his children, would you be happy with that?

To be honest, Whoneedssleep, "going to the park and toddler groups" is my idea of hell! Painting and cooking with toddlers not much better... I liked doing puzzles and books with my kids, or board games (though the 67th time they do get a bit stale), I liked doing trips out with them, but there was plenty that I found just plain dull (so shoot me!)

I think the only thing that would have kept me sane as a SAHM would have been a good network of local friends for some adult contact, which I didn't have, or local family, which I also didn't have.

"Genuine question here OP - would being a SAHD be something you would like your son to aspire to?

If your daughter wants to leave school at 16 on the grounds that she didn't want a career, but wanted to meet someone and stay at home to raise his children, would you be happy with that?"

Where did leaving school at 16 appear from? I would have no problem with any of our children being SAHPs if they could afford the lifestyle, but only on condition that they have been to university in at least three countries and got their MBA and PhD first