AIBU to think that WOHM's don't "do the same as SAHMs AND work too!"

[eppa]

Firstly this is not a WOHM bashing thread at all.

Its just that I'm a SAHM and have been offended and hurt by a couple of real life comments basically saying that I shouldn't complain as I'm only a SAHM and that WOHM have to do everything I do AND they manage to work as well.

I disagree with this because for me an average day includes: making and clearing up after three meals, going out to baby groups, park, docs appts, trying to think up and doing activities such as cooking and painting and reading AND trying to keep on top of the mess that having 2 children in the house all day entails.

However a WOHM would get DC up and dressed, drop them at nursery where they would get their 3 meals, do activities etc, pick them up and return to a house that was clean (or the same state as it was left in!).

Obviously both WOHMs and SAHMs work and they both work hard and WOHMs do parent when they are at home. Its just that I don't think its fair to claim that WOHMs somehow do more than SAHMS.

Have a shower of stale [biscuits]

I work full-time with 3 young children.
I am currently off work for 8 weeks with a broken bone.
My life is infinitely easier not-working. It easier for everyone, my husband, my kids and me, with me home. But I prefer working and prefer having the money it provides.
No-one will ever convince me that SAHM's don't have it easier from a work-rate point of view but they have it harder from a boredom/financial/lack of independece POV.

Well, I was a SAHM for 5 years with DS1 and DS2. I was then a WOHM for 5 years. I then had DS3 and was a SAHM for about 6 months. I am a WOHM for a subsequent 11 years.

IMO, having seen both sides of the fence, yes a WOHM does the same (but compressed) amount of stuff and juggles a hell of a lot more, than a SAHM. I do school pick ups, Drs appointments, school plays, sportsdays, after school stuff, and I clean, cook, do laundry, tidy, cook a meal each night, do the garden etc etc etc. I ask for support from Dh and my DM sometimes, but in essence it's down to me.

My DS's are very self reliant and were taught to wash, iron uniforms and cook basic stuff for themselves by the age of 10. (As was I as the child of a working Mum in the 70's)

DH also works in and out of the house so is around if not always present IYSWIM.

But, I was bored rigid as a SAHM. And I love my life as it is.

Yeap have the entire tin

callmemers

I didn't start this thread to primarily say that children suffer in childcare. Otherwise I would have said 'AIBU to think that children in childcare suffer'.
So to say that is the purpose of the thread is wrong.
I have said in answer to various posts that I belive (and some studies show) that children suffer when put into childcare at an early age.
You obviously don't agree with that which is fine but you do seem very bothered by it which makes me feel that maybe you do think there is some truth in it.

My DCs don't seem to be showing many signs of neglect or developmental delay through my callous working habits. DS has a scholarship to his school and sings like an angel and plays lots of rugby. DD is a straight A* girl, plays for the school at all the major sports and plays lots of tennis outside.

Perhaps they'd be Einsteins if only I'd stayed at home and done more fingerpainting with them

Or perhaps it would not have made a haporth's difference

The trouble with being a sahm, is that the validation and affirmation that we wohms get from work, has to be defined through a narrower domestic role. So it becomes necessary for some people to think that wohms are damaging their children, and that it's somehow necessary for sahms to stay at home. It isn't necessary. It's your choice. You shouldn't feel defensive about it.

Keep digging op...!!!

I think the op is just trying to say that when you work you are given recognition for what you do.And when you're a SAHM people assume you do jack shit all day.That is all it seems to me anyway.

Another one here who's a full time secondary school teacher, with a 3 and a 7 year old.

The holidays (a.k.a. being a terrifically hardworking at home mother ) are a fucking breeze.

And no, I have no cleaner/gardener/etc. I do get a plumber/electrician to mend stuff though. I do painting/putting up towel rails/that kind of shit myself.

SO, while I agree that some people may find being a sahm extremely challenging, and some may find being a wohm very easy, I truly believe that if you took any one person, gave them a year of staying at home looking after their preschool kids, and then after that year gave them a paid job for a year, minimum 9-5, and no domestic help, just kids at nursery, they would agree that being a wohm is far far tougher.
Unless they were extremely obstinate/had an axe to grind, of course.

'You obviously don't agree with that which is fine but you do seem very bothered by it which makes me feel that maybe you do think there is some truth in it.'

Could say the same for you when you listed these things:

Being a SAHM is:
'a bad example to my children
not contributing to society
not paying taxes
a boring conversationalist
loosing my brain cells
lazy'

Perhaps you are bothered because you think there is some truth in those things you assumed people were saying about you?

Oh massive broad generations. How boring the world would be without them.

You know who I have massive respect for.... My OH, he gets up every morning at 7:30am as I leave for work and looks after our DD until 2:30pm. He does the whole SAHD business - for 7 hours a day. Then do you know what he does? He goes to work and works for another 9 hours. DD spends an hour with the childminder until I come home an hour later. Then for the next 4 hours I'm in charge until she goes to bed.

Parents who work can look after their children and satisfy their needs as much as a parent who doesn't work and devotes their time to childcare. In actual fact, if parents can work together I think they flourish more than those who get attached to one parent more than another. I guess the problem lies where one parent thinks it is all down to the other parent.

"and started the topic because I felt that some comments I had in rl made me feel that somehow my work/role was not as difficult or as valuable as that of a WOHM"

so you made yourself feel better by telling Working mums that they don't love their cildren as much as they shuld do and that childcare damages young children? go you!

Really, OP? Just sticking up for yourself?

Were you sticking up for yourself when you addressed this to me (on p. 21)?:

Yes - they are really important and worthwhile jobs but surely not more important that your own children? and surely although you love your job you don't love it more than your own children?

I didn't insult, put down, or generalise about SAHMs at all. I didn't even refer to them. I said that I believe in my work and don't do it for the handbags. But you still felt you had to imply that I don't love my children enough, in order to defend yourself?

I also said that DH and I both need to work in order to pay the rent, but that didn't stop you from telling me I "can always return to work when the children are older." Reading that back do you realise how out of touch with reality you sound?

And for the record, the vast majority of people who have disagreed with you are people who have done both roles and have answered from their own experience that they worked harder and longer as WOHMs. That's not bashing, that's answering the question you asked.

This endless conversation which I have seen repeated over and over on here will only become relevant when the next door forum has a group of men sitting debating how they are out of the house ten hours a day and is this having an awful affect on their children.

rhonda I tried starting a conversation with DH when I went back to work about how it felt to work with the baby at home. It didn't last long...

eppa clearly does not live in the real world, or is clearly very uninformed/uneducated.

OP not all of us who work full time put our children in full time childcare, I am very fortunate that we manage to juggle work and shifts so that it isn't necessary - not that I believe that there is anything wrong in doing so.

Yes, if it was affordable I would stay at home, but for us (like many others) it isn't an option. I will not be made to feel inadequate by someone who most important decision each day is if she should bake fairy buns or finger paints.

For what it's worth I believe that being at home is a doddle compared to the stress of being a parent and working full time.

I don't actually think it's possible to make a generalised argument along these lines. Personal circumstances are far more relevant in determining if someone's life is easier or more difficult, not whether they are SAHM or WAHM or WOHM. After all, a SAHM with a comfortable disposable income, a car, a helpful & supportive dp and plenty of SAHM friends to socialise with etc will generally have a pleasant lifestyle, as will a WOHM with reliable childcare, good income, rewarding career, supportive dp etc. On the other end of both spectrums however, life is undoubtedly very hard work, whether the mother is employed or not.

Oh Bonsoir I obviously don't do the type of work you did. My work is varied, interesting and although sometime pressurised, always rewarding.

Most of you are being unfair to the OP and ignoring her point, that it is not ok to be rude about people who choose to be SAHM. I think her criticisms of WOHM are only in response to a huge wave of agression directed at her. The strenght of that anti SAHM feeling here is phenomenal! Why do you all feel the need to be so judgemental?

Lots of you have said how stressful your life is, how hard you work etc, yes I'm convinced you do suffer a lot of stress. What's so bad about saying 'no' to all that stress and opting for a slower (sometimes) pace of life? And having enough faith in your relationship to decide to be financially dependent on your partner for a time?

wow, 24 pages!

Have we had "missing precious moments" yet?

The ops point was that it isn't a slower pace of life.

For me personally, I dont want to potter about, I am my own person and that dynamic and being very busy suit me to a tee. I found sahm a slower life and frustrating for me.

Stress is only a bad thing if it isn't managed properly.

But it is ok for her to be rude and insulting to wohms?

Her point so far seem to be:
Sahms work more than wohms
whoms dont love their children as much as sahms (as otherwise they would not "put them in childcare")
whoms love their work and handbags and holidays more than their kids
Children suffer in childcare

what other points have I missed?