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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that WOHM's don't "do the same as SAHMs AND work too!"

876 replies

eppa · 14/03/2012 14:40

Firstly this is not a WOHM bashing thread at all.

Its just that I'm a SAHM and have been offended and hurt by a couple of real life comments basically saying that I shouldn't complain as I'm only a SAHM and that WOHM have to do everything I do AND they manage to work as well.

I disagree with this because for me an average day includes: making and clearing up after three meals, going out to baby groups, park, docs appts, trying to think up and doing activities such as cooking and painting and reading AND trying to keep on top of the mess that having 2 children in the house all day entails.

However a WOHM would get DC up and dressed, drop them at nursery where they would get their 3 meals, do activities etc, pick them up and return to a house that was clean (or the same state as it was left in!).

Obviously both WOHMs and SAHMs work and they both work hard and WOHMs do parent when they are at home. Its just that I don't think its fair to claim that WOHMs somehow do more than SAHMS.

OP posts:
callmemrs · 15/03/2012 19:57

Anyone who feels the need to justify their SAH status by pathetic little comments about children in childcare being less successful or less clever or less well adjusted, is clearly not as happy with their situation as they claim......

YuleingFanjo · 15/03/2012 19:58

wow. Didn't take you long to get from not wanting to bash anyone to insinuating that wohm don't love their children as much as they should do. wow.

rhondajean · 15/03/2012 19:59

Of course, not all WOHM will use Childcare anyway, and some sahm will.

RedHotPokers · 15/03/2012 20:00

Op, you are the best. You have made amazing choices, and are an example to us all. HTH.

CurrySpice · 15/03/2012 20:01

OP you can have my first ever Biscuit

and I might even throw in a do fuck off

LittleAlbert · 15/03/2012 20:01

And Yy to exhaustion.

But I read somewhere that if you have somewhere to live, food to eat and are not in fear of your life, you are better off than most of the world. That provides some comfort on nightshift.

And I do love my children which is why I am worki g and studying to get a reasonably we paid career so the three of them no longer have to share a room and we can afford a slightly better standard of living ( or maybe I am being 'entitled' in hoping for that Hmm)

Original poster
eppa · 15/03/2012 20:03

I'm not unhappy! Admitedly life is a bit stressful at the moment with 2 pre-schoolers but generally I enjoy life. I just feel that being a SAHM is every bit as hard work and as valuable as being a WOHM and started the topic because I felt that some comments I had in rl made me feel that somehow my work/role was not as difficult or as valuable as that of a WOHM.

I don't agree with your view that children do not suffer when they are placed in childcare at a young age. I think they do suffer and studies back that up. I think that it is a bit naive to deny the fact that for young children being with their parents is usually the best option. If people choose to work fine - but I don't think you can claim the children are not affected in any way.

I accept that everyone has their viewpoint of what they find interesting its just that I will often hear people saying the line that mothers just want to talk about their kids, its so boring etc. And yet you never hear people saying oh those teachers just want to talk about teaching or the gardeners just don't stop going on about flowers its so boring.

callmemrs I don't feel I am missing out on anything. As I've said in earlier posts I worked for 11 years before having kids (and had a good career) and I'm sure that when my children are older I will go back to work too.

OP posts:
Letchladee · 15/03/2012 20:06

EPPA - what about part time workers?? Everyone always forget the part time workers!!

I'd be interested in what you would say of my situation:

I take my DDs to school each day, and then I go to work. I work pretty much school hours, term time only and so I'm pretty much there to pick my DC up from school every day. (One day, I finish half hour after them, so my mum collects them and takes them to their hobby and I meet them there).

So pretty much - when they're not at school, I'm with them. I take them to all their hobbies, I do all the childcare... oh and I work too.

I also haven't got a cleaner, gardener or anything else either...

So out of interest, you claim that "Obviously both WOHMs and SAHMs work and they both work hard and WOHMs do parent when they are at home. Its just that I don't think its fair to claim that WOHMs somehow do more than SAHMS."

I do 15 hours a week working - so I do all the childcare + all the usual housework stuff + 15 hours work a week. If I don't "do more" as you put it - can you tell me what you do that I don't???

By the way, both my DDs are at school.

(Sorry if part timers have already been mentioned - did look, didn't see, but it was only a cursory look!)

EssentialFattyAcid · 15/03/2012 20:06

But eppa you say "EssentialFattyAcid I not dependent on a man. Me and DH are a partnership and his money is our money!"

which you depend upon him (a man) to earn?
how will this work if he is no longer there to earn for you in the future for whatever reason?

Letchladee · 15/03/2012 20:08

Or rather, I should say - a SAHP of a school aged child does... that a WOHM parent does.

I accept if your children are not at school, then they are different situations...

dikkertjedap · 15/03/2012 20:10

I think LittleAlbert hits the nail on the head: working and having to run a household is exhausting (and IMO quite stressful). I certainly don't have the energy to do lots of extra things, which I no doubt would do if I was not working.

LittleAlbert · 15/03/2012 20:11

" I think they do suffer and studies back that up"

No - studies show that the effect is the children in daycare show slight raised levels of aggression but that is balanced by enhanced social skills.

I was a SAHM for 6 years and I can tell you that there is no difference between my kids and those who were in daycare.

And DD3 is two and really benefits from nursery, I see her confidence growing, speech improving and they seem to have taught her table manners!

rhondajean · 15/03/2012 20:11

Studies have backed up both sides of the argument. It's a dead end to go look for stats. You are naive to believe anything that supports an emotive issue one way or another tbh.

Bad Childcare certainly has an effect on children, whether it takes place in or put of the home. As the previous manager of several child care services from 0-12 I know a bit about this.

No loving parent will put their child at risk by putting them into unsuitable Childcare they are not happy with, and to be frank if they don't love the child then it's much more likely to have negative experiences and come to harm in the home environment.

The reason noone says teachers just talk about teaching etc is that in general they have a rounded life which consists of work and home. It's easy to lose that when one aspect goes, I do know people who bore about work as that is their entire life, however in my experience as I repeatedly say its a phenomenon I observe time and again in sahm.

And finally, as I also previously said, not all WOHM use Childcare. Many people tag team with their partner. Is that damaging being left with the father also?

Astronaut79 · 15/03/2012 20:11

Children are affected by any choice you make. My mum didn't work, my dad was a cleaner so earned bugger all.

Yes, we had our mum round when we were little, but we also had the piss ripped mercilessly for not being able to afford the same as other kids. Anything we ever wanted was greeted with, "we'll have to see if we can afford it" or just plain, "no." My mum ended up working at weekends when we were at school, which was horrible cos my dad just sat and watched telly constantly. He can't drive, so we missed out on other kids' birthday parties too.

I'm sure my dcs will be affected by being in childcare, but as I don't have a parallel universe to drop into to see the other option, I'll never know and neither will they. At some point my kids will be teenagers and everything I do will be wrong. So what?

Ps good luck trying to get a job in the future job market, op.

COCKadoodledooo · 15/03/2012 20:12

Oh you are talking out of your arse. Lucky fucking you for not having to work to suppot your children, some people don't have that choice.

Any minute now you'll trot out the 'shouldn't bother having children if you don't want to/can't afford to spend time with them' line. It's boring.

Stop bashing other people as a way of justifying your own choices.

Artesia · 15/03/2012 20:18

I'm sure that when my children are older I will go back to work too.

OP I really hope things work out the way you've planned and, once you've finished being the model mother, you are able to wander back into the world of work without any difficulties at all.

Life doesn't always pan out as you plan though. Some mums choose to go back to work. Others of us go back for many different reasons - partners' redundancy, marriage break up, family illness. It's hardly news that most parents - SAH or WOH- are trying to do what they think is best for their children, and get pretty riled by the suggestion that their children are suffering as a result.

For what it's worth, I was really looking forward to being a lovely ( but non-judgemental!) SAHM, but when I was left high and dry by my philandering exH, and had a small baby to support, so I didn't have much choice but to go back to work. Luckily my son is ace though, despite all the "suffering" in nursery......

pinkyp · 15/03/2012 20:20

Yabu - whilst on mat leave I was a sahm - went to lots of baby groups etc, now I am a working mum and do the same as I use to but spend less time going to these places and sitting in my arse. Grin

callmemrs · 15/03/2012 20:21

There are no studies which conclusively 'prove' that childcare is bad for children (or good for children)

Op - you are simply trying to snipe at people who work. It's soooo dull. Great for you if you don't want to work. Leave those of us who do, alone. You seem to desperately want the Children of working parents to be less happy or less well adjusted. Let's be honest, that's a teensy bit nasty of you isn't it? Even though you try to dress it up as benign concern. You must be very disappointed that the children of WOHP are just as happy as your kids are!

handbagCrab · 15/03/2012 20:23

I believe wohms eat their own young if they detect a lack of new handbags.

rhondajean · 15/03/2012 20:25

That's not true crab, we just make handbags out of the pelts.

Dozer · 15/03/2012 20:25

OP, you are really not doing yourself any favours with the "childcare is harmful" old chestnut.

letchladee, your term-time working pattern sounds a bit like the one I was thinking may be ideal for me when both DC are in school, but as you highlight it sounds hard!

handbagCrab · 15/03/2012 20:27

Tis all they're good for RhondaJean What with them not being hand reared in a sahm environment and all.

Bonsoir · 15/03/2012 20:29

Being in childcare is going to provide a different experience to being with a parent. Whether that experience is "better" or "worse" depends on many variables. Some children are very clearly going to get a better start in life being away from their own home; for other, a nursery will be a less horizon-broadening environment than the one they will encounter with a parent.

Artesia · 15/03/2012 20:29

rhondajean if you have more than one child you can usually get a nice pair of matching shoes out of them too. Essential for every working woman...

Original poster
eppa · 15/03/2012 20:31

Dozer - I don't really want to do myself any favours, its just what I genuinely believe. Sorry if people don't like it but I'm not going to change my views because others disagree.

And with regards to saying that I am bashing WOHMs I think SAHMs have been pretty bashed too!

OP posts: