AIBU to think that WOHM's don't "do the same as SAHMs AND work too!"

[eppa]

Firstly this is not a WOHM bashing thread at all.

Its just that I'm a SAHM and have been offended and hurt by a couple of real life comments basically saying that I shouldn't complain as I'm only a SAHM and that WOHM have to do everything I do AND they manage to work as well.

I disagree with this because for me an average day includes: making and clearing up after three meals, going out to baby groups, park, docs appts, trying to think up and doing activities such as cooking and painting and reading AND trying to keep on top of the mess that having 2 children in the house all day entails.

However a WOHM would get DC up and dressed, drop them at nursery where they would get their 3 meals, do activities etc, pick them up and return to a house that was clean (or the same state as it was left in!).

Obviously both WOHMs and SAHMs work and they both work hard and WOHMs do parent when they are at home. Its just that I don't think its fair to claim that WOHMs somehow do more than SAHMS.

(takes a deep breath and launches in with first ever post...)

its not the painting, reading, going to groups that are hard - its the related getting paints out with toddler clasping at leg, trying not to get paint everywhere, cleaning up after toddler decided to do hand prints on the wall instead, getting coats, shoes, hats on tantruming toddler, rushing to group in the pouring rain, having 2 DCs arguing over what books to choose etc!

Having been a SAHM for 2 years, and a WOHM for the following 3 years, I'd say the main difference is choice. I agree that it's not all fun and plain sailing being a SAHM but, certainly before the kids reach school age, you have the option of choosing not to go to the library, rush out to toddler groups etc if it's raining, you've had a bad night or you just can't be arsed.

A WOHM doesn't have that luxury- you have to get self and kids up, dressed and out regardless. I can't say to your boss "Sorry, had a rotten night last night, Artesia Jnr was a total grot, I'm knackered and I don't so much fancy going out in the rain to that meeting, I think I"ll just sit here, eat biscuits and watch Jeremy Kyle instead" whereas that always seemed a valid choice when was a SAHM!!

No he's fabulous - he's not institutionalised, he just has to make institutionalised people perform and it's very tedious!

(or even say that to MY boss.....)

So to return to the original point of the op - with three older children, at school for long days, would you say you do more than a WOHM with the same children?(not are you happier, which is interesting to debate, but not the point)

Quick back pedalling there lmao

^These threads are always so depressing.
People sniping at others like twats.^

I couldn't agree more, Posie

rhondajean - I know a lot WOHMs with similar sized families and (a) they outsource massively in order to keep on top of the domestic workload (b) they stress massively about the fact that they cannot get the quality of outsourcing they would like

Bonsoir I suspect that isn't representative of the average British family though.

It's not just about working for handbags or working to meet the rent (though that's a reality for me and dh).

Some of us love our jobs, and do them because we believe passionately in the work that we do. Working mothers might be doctors, community workers, charity workers, cancer researchers, or social workers. They might run or work in programmes for at-risk children, or in homeless shelters, or in drug treatment centres, or in rape crisis centres.

I have a job along these lines, and I am damn proud of the role model I get to be for my DC because of what I do for a living. I'm proud of instilling in them a sense of responsibility for the welfare of others, and of showing them that it's possible to make a difference.

I don't mean that to sound self-congratulatory, but I won't have the purpose of my work and its impact on my children reduced to a question of "food on the table" or "handbags for mum."

So what it parents work to have nice things in life, surely thats a great example to set for children rather than believe everything in life gets handed to you.

I also dont believe that one adults should be financially responsibility as it can be a heavy burden to bear. Much better to share and that way should anyting happen both can continue to support themselves and any children.

I dont want my DS growing up thinking he has to get a good job as he will be expected automatically support his wife as she doesnt want to work. Likewise if I had a daughter, i'd not want her to think she has to stay home and cant have a family and enjoyable job.

I'm a WOHM. When DS was at nursery then no I didn't do all 3 meals a day (did 2 of them though), but I also had a DP then. I did do the housework, shopping, etc out of work hours. Don't think you can argue the GP thing because WOHP have to do those too - whilst getting time off work.

Now he's at school and I'm working I do all 3 meals and everything else SAHP do with school aged children. Difference is I have to do shopping, housework etc out of working hours. Then again I'm also doing an OU degree so I obviously enjoy biting off more than I can chew. (can't you tell I'm struggling atm?!)

Artesia you make an important point in your first ever post :)

Calling your own shots and planning your own day makes a huge difference.

rhondajean - really? I talk about this issue frequently with a favourite cousin of mine who is a WOHM in London and the issues are just the same! By the time she has paid for the quality of outsourcing that meets her exacting standards, she works at a loss.

I think being a working mother is the best role model for children
I would hate for my dd to be financially dependant on a man or to aspire to be

Thank you OneHandWavingFree

Perhaps you could be specific about outsourced tasks and we could ask people if they do them?

I know the only thing I outsource is window washing.

I am also wondering why the posters, above who work and have partners, are doing everything a SAHM does. Of course there may be one or two who have partners who work away from home or in the forces etc, but the majority just seem to have useless men. Why can your husband not make a packed lunch, arrange childcare , run a bath, read stories.

I have been a SAHM and would love to do so again. Unfortunately I swallowed the feminist dream and am the major wage earner for my family so that will never happen again. I was a fantastic Mum as a SAHM , the children were happier. They got lots of attention , proper meals every day , house was spotless, garden immaculate , I had time to be an interesting person as I had time to read, visit galleries, go to the theatre mid week etc.

I now work full time as a teacher and work at least 13 hours a day, my dh does a lot around the house as he works fewer hours than me. But even with him working fewer hours it woud be ludicrous to say that we do the same amount of housework and childcare . As a working mother I am just about good enough, as a teacher I am also just about good enough, as I have my mind in two camps . I would be so much happier if i coud just be really good at one thing. Our house is tidy enough but not spotless. The main difference is that in trying to do about half as much as we did when I was a SAHM I live on about 5-6 hours sleep during the week so I am permanently knackered. As a SAHM I never reached such depths of exhaustion.

I outsource the dull and boring tasks. Certainly don't work at a loss. My children are older now so don't need childcare though.

I think there are a lot of families with 2 working parents who struggle to afford 'outsourcing'. Dp and I have to try to work at different times as much as possible, to reduce childcare needs, cleaner is too expensive too.

I agree with Artesia, it's about the luxury of choice.

Some of us love our jobs, and do them because we believe passionately in the work that we do. Working mothers might be doctors, community workers, charity workers, cancer researchers, or social workers. They might run or work in programmes for at-risk children, or in homeless shelters, or in drug treatment centres, or in rape crisis centres

Yes - they are really important and worthwhile jobs but surely not more important that your own children? and surely although you love your job you don't love it more than your own children? You can always return to work when the children are older.

And I don't buy the argument that WOHMs are necessarily good models for younger children. Yes its great to show your teenager what they can aspire to but your average 2 year old is just going to want its mummy there to play, feed, care for it - they are not bothered about your highflying job. And while we are at it why is being a SAHM not something for them to aspire to?

EssentialFattyAcid I not dependent on a man. Me and DH are a partnership and his money is our money!

Also while I am in ranty mode comments such as Rhondajeans that SAHMs are dully and don't have anything else to talk about other than their children are incredibly ignorant. We have lots to talk about but if our children are a big part of our lives why is it so wrong to find them interesting?

Wow op. Good job you didn't want any 'bashing' on this thread.

Eppa - it is your lack of imagination which is the problem here. You can't embrace the fact that some women have interesting work which they enjoy and value. It doesn't mean they love the job or find it more interesting than their children. They love their children more, but enjoy combining the joys of parenting with a career. They love spending time with their children every bit as much as you enjoy yours. Their children are just as happy, well adjusted and clever. It is not an either/or.

If you can't get your head around that then it is YOUR problem. I have always worked. I enjoy my work. My teenage children have not missed out in any way. I have not missed out on something either. Maybe it's this fact which is really bugging you....

Eppa it's my viewpoint of what I find interesting, and I assure you that your children are not on my list of must do topics. I would imagine I have a large list of topics that would bore you.

You seem incapable of understanding that parents male and female can make a contribution to wider society through work and not have their children suffer.

You are actually financially dependent on a man whether you like to admit it or not. This does not mean its a Bad Thing. Just a fact.

I only speak from my experience and do not pretend to do anything else. But if there are any ignorant comments on here, it's your insinuation that our work harms our children.

Why are you so unhappy?

Of course YANBU. There are only a limited number of hours a day and if you spend a large number of them working/commuting etc. you clearly do not have time to look after the children, do housework to the same standards, etc. etc.

I notice a significant difference in the learning of children who are in before and after school childcare, including in the Holidays and those who spend a lot of time with their family doing enriching activities. However, their are also plenty of children with a SAHM who do not seem to get much attention at home, matter of family background.

On good days I feel DP are modelling equality to our DC, sharing work and household chores.

And on bad days I feel like the house is a mess and we are both utterly exhausted.

Handbags FFS