AIBU to think that WOHM's don't "do the same as SAHMs AND work too!"

[eppa]

Firstly this is not a WOHM bashing thread at all.

Its just that I'm a SAHM and have been offended and hurt by a couple of real life comments basically saying that I shouldn't complain as I'm only a SAHM and that WOHM have to do everything I do AND they manage to work as well.

I disagree with this because for me an average day includes: making and clearing up after three meals, going out to baby groups, park, docs appts, trying to think up and doing activities such as cooking and painting and reading AND trying to keep on top of the mess that having 2 children in the house all day entails.

However a WOHM would get DC up and dressed, drop them at nursery where they would get their 3 meals, do activities etc, pick them up and return to a house that was clean (or the same state as it was left in!).

Obviously both WOHMs and SAHMs work and they both work hard and WOHMs do parent when they are at home. Its just that I don't think its fair to claim that WOHMs somehow do more than SAHMS.

bellstar you must have a very narrow circle of aquaintances and you must walk around with your eyes shut. The country is full of the working poor!

"When I was at work we shared household chores (cooking/cleaning/shopping etc) straight down the middle and ditto children related matters (drs appts/sickness/drop off and pick up from nursery."

why isn't housework split equally?

because it's wifework.

I drop off and pick up my son because the nursery is 2 minutes from my work. However I have been reading Wifework and DH now does more than he used to because I decided to stop doing so much.

Ah - here we go. We all work because we want to buy stuff we don't need and if we only cared about our poor children we would do what is 'best' and give up work.

Mumbles to self about day orphanages and precious moments.

I'm even worse than that. DH's salary more than covers all the stuff we need and then some...and I still work!

Bellstar - sometimes appearances can be deceiving. Are you sure they both work so they can have two cars? Not that they have two cars so they can both work?

We could live very uncomfortably on DH's meagre salary and constantly worry about paying the bills. I work, partly to avoid that situation, and it just so happens that by doing so we are catapulted into the living pretty comfortably range.

Bellstar I work to pay the mortgage and buy food. The other WOHM's I know are doing the same.

I think people who get to make a choice about whether to SAH or WOH are lucky.

I would really like for some of the posters who have said that being a SAHM is cusy to tell me how they manage to make it so.
They make it sound as if being a SAHM is a long round of coffee mornings, well behaved children and skipping to the park. Which is why I think it is percieved by some as a bit worthless.
Unless I am actually doing something very wrong and all other SAHMs are leading this lovely life!
I do agree with Bellstar that there are some people who do claim that they have to work for the money but in fact work to maintain a certain lifestyle - I know some of them.

It's cushy because it's so much more varied, fun and interesting than the office ever was. Not that I learned nothing at work - on the contrary. But RL is just mindblowingly better and my SAHM friends are a hoot compared to the dullsville WOHMs.

Bellstar, eppa whats wrong with working for a lifestyle.

Sorry I had to get off my train and go work earlier!

I'd like to point out that bonsoir was wrong just after my last post. The measure of something being a job is not performance. There are some very poorly performing paid workers out there. This does not mean they do not have a job.

Likewise there are some excellent and some very crap SAH mums, this does not make it a job. Likewise excellent and crap WOHM as well before I get accused ofpicking on people.

If we are going to get into a debate about performance related to parenting choices, those always turn nasty.

EPA the thing about being a sahm is that you have the chance to adapt your life to what suits you and your children rather than having to march to the bet of an employers drum. Maybe you should look at whether you are actually doing that? You seem pressurised and unhappy.

Bonsoir what a silly thing to say. Perhaps you should go back to work and stimulate those brain sells

Cells even !

snapsnap - it just seems a bit of a shame to put material things before your child's welfare. I'm not talking about working to keep food on the table etc as that essential but if you decide to work so you can have extra holidays/handbags etc I do think you are doing your children a disservice but that is just my personal opinion.

I dont think its worthless but I dont find it stressful. I am loving it at the moment loads of time to do the things you havent had chance to do, nice places to go, leisurely lifestyle etc. I do a lot of activities usually but am more tired from work usually whereas at the moment everything is on my pace, its great!

Why on earth should women take home buttons? Why can't you be a mother and ambitious enough to have a reasonably well paid career?

Enough to have a nice lifestyle say, a couple of cars a nice house and decent holidays is hardly living it large is it. But more importantly enough to engage you mentally and make a positive contribution to society even if it just through your taxes!

I don't think showing your children that hard work equals nice things is "doing them a disservice " ffs.

I think being a disgruntled and unhappy sahm with obvious resentments might be though.

Eppa What if your childs welfare is not suffering. And for the children of most working mothers their welfare is not suffering.

A hige percentage of women work part time to facilitate this

Eppa would it not be better (and fairer) for both parents to work part time rather than just one staying at home? (In cases where there are two parents of course). Then the family would be just as poor (which you'd approve of!) but both individuals get the chance to be fulfilled in different spheres.

One of us could work and we'd scrape by. Maybe. But because both of us work we can afford a whole ton of stuff that would otherwise be unavailable to us; ds can pursue his (expensive) sport, dp and I can drink half decent wine all week, and I get to own a sports car.

I really don't think I'm doing my child a disservice.

being at home is harder than going out to work and paying someone to do the childcare

its not cushy, its bloody hard work, thats why most women can't wait to get back into hig heels and the office

and its about time they admitted it

That's the point: brain cells wither and die when they do the same things day in day out, snapsnap, as work inevitably requires. Variety is the spice of life

Haven't had time to read all the thread (been at work ).

There probably is less housework, and there is definitely less childcare, if you WOH. However you have considerably less time to do the childcare and housework that does need doing.

WOHPs are often working well into the evening, doing housework/helping with homework, cooking dinner, things that the SAHM would have done much earlier in the day.

When I only work a half day I can have my feet up relaxing by 7.30pm, whereas when I work a full day, I am often still on my feet tidying/cleaning etc at 9 or 10pm.

And all this presumes that the WOHP only needs to work between 9 and 5. I am regularly emailing, writing reports until late, because I have had to leave work early to take DS to dentist, or to pick DD up from a playdate. I have work problems in my head all the time, worries about deadlines etc, as well as dentist appointments, school plays, parents evening ......

Neither SAH or WOH is easy, but if you have a stressful job and a partner who also has a stressful job, then WOH is pretty tough.

(and enough with the 'putting material things before children' crap - you sound a bit unhappy with your lot OP).

It seems incredible that women who appear not to enjoy doing child related stuff have choosen to give up work to do this why ? Some of us like going to the park, the swimming pool or meeting friends for coffee.If it's not your thing fine , but why spend time doing it ?

Working for handbags? No most women who manage to work and parent are doing so because they recognise the long term benefits of doing so. Career development, long term earnings and pension prospects all benefit if you 'keep your hand in' in the years your children are very young.

It's interesting isn't it - some sahms claim they need to sahm for their child's welfare. Which implies of course that the children of wohms are suffering., Except of course they're not which makes the 'child welfare' argument a pile of nonsense. So what some sahms have done is base their vaunted 'choice' on a lie which implies there is no choice - and then they claim that it's wohms who devalue the sahm choice? I don't care what other women do, what other parent's do (assuming all children have all limbs at the end of the day) - so why is there this need to devalue my choice and imply my children are harmed by it? There are many reasons to sahm but child welfare is NOT one of them.

RedHotPokers - our days are long. We have family dinner at 8pm and it is a very rare evening indeed when there is no homework after 9pm. I'm not sure how SAHMs are supposed to do homework with children who are not yet home