AIBU to think that WOHM's don't "do the same as SAHMs AND work too!"

[eppa]

Firstly this is not a WOHM bashing thread at all.

Its just that I'm a SAHM and have been offended and hurt by a couple of real life comments basically saying that I shouldn't complain as I'm only a SAHM and that WOHM have to do everything I do AND they manage to work as well.

I disagree with this because for me an average day includes: making and clearing up after three meals, going out to baby groups, park, docs appts, trying to think up and doing activities such as cooking and painting and reading AND trying to keep on top of the mess that having 2 children in the house all day entails.

However a WOHM would get DC up and dressed, drop them at nursery where they would get their 3 meals, do activities etc, pick them up and return to a house that was clean (or the same state as it was left in!).

Obviously both WOHMs and SAHMs work and they both work hard and WOHMs do parent when they are at home. Its just that I don't think its fair to claim that WOHMs somehow do more than SAHMS.

YABU and a bit chippy.

Of course WOHM do more and a lot more. The days when I work outside the home, I put in approx 16 hour days. The days when I am at home I spend plenty of time having coffee, going to the shops etc.
Yes there is nappy changes and feeding but its not the same. I will get flamed for this but being a SAHM is very very cushy and a lot of women dont appreciate how lucky they are.

snapsnap. You won't get flamed, but there's a world of difference between having a baby and a few children, pre school and at school. Babies do fuck all, children make an awful mess. Plus you could be one fo those mothers that actually does stuff with her children, therefore more mess and time spent clearing up.

HandbagCrab,

One day a week, make a double batch of a dinner and freeze the second half. Spag bol, curry, chilli, lasagne, shepherd's pie, stews etc. all freeze well. If possible, try to do this dinner the night before (after frantic arrival and dinner period, when things are more relaxed - preferably with a glass of wine in hand and tv on), so you only have to turn on pots/oven to heat things up (maybe boil some pasta/rice/potatoes too) when you get in from work. I tend to do this on Sundays for Monday - as I am cooking a Sunday roast in the afternoon anyway.

Yes, yes to quick dinners. Scrambled eggs or beans on toast, fried egg and rasher, salad etc are all acceptable once a week too as fast options for particularly busy nights (make sure a full lunch box that day, and have a pudding or few biscuits ready for later if bigger appetites need more). Keep a few things like tinned spaghetti, beans, tuna etc on hand to rustle up something fast and nutricious (ish). Decent fish fingers, or proper chicken goujons are good freezer standbys too, along with a bag of frozen peas/sweetcorn/mixed veg, and oven chips. Another night of turning things on and getting on with something else while it cooks.

After dinner, when cleaning up, try to peel veg or prep stuff for tomorrow's dinner. And make any lunches needed and put into fridge for morning. Lay out tomorrow's clothes when putting kids and yourself to bed. Pack bags before retiring too (anything you need, does DC need changes of clothes for creche etc?).

Kids go through loads of changes in creche. Not always one per day, but sometimes more than one (and I don't think I ever had a week with less than 2). So between having enough changes to put on every morning, and keep the creche cubby hole stocked with emergency changes - washing can mount up fast. So aim for LOTS of easily cleaned tracksuits that are comfy, and plain tops to go with a few different bottoms. Lots of socks and vests. Keep the pretty outfits for the weekends. I don't mean it all has to be plain - just things that will match up together and can all be washed together. And bulk buy so that you can run through 10 outfits between mon-thurs and not have to panic about washing one for fri.

Run the washing machine regularly. Try to set it up to run while you are out, if yours allows that. So sort the clothes when you are doing the organising after dinner, but set it to wash in the quiet time next day (rather than distracting from the 1 programme you WANTED to watch!). Chuck it on the line/clotheshorse/into tumbedryer as you get a chance when you get in/after dinner. Put the dry clothes into a basket of clean things that you can rummage through if you need them, but do a sort/fold job once a week on that basket, and ironing after that. The most important MID-week task is getting things clean and dry.

I tend to have a slightly "bulk options" wardrobe for me too - somewhat capsule in the sense that lots of my tops are plain and can go with about 3/4 different suits each, and a good few plain black trousers - but plenty of things that I can grab on the go and not panic about me having clean things.

I'm sure others will have great ideas too so I'll stop before this becomes a thesis.

I dont just have a baby, I have an older child as well. My days with them are just nowhere near as hectic as those when I work - I work pt And yes if we are at home, the place is pretty messy but that doesnt take long to clear up.

On the days at work I dont do as much parenting as a SAHM and I dont claim to but I juggle a lot more balls and I cant understand why some SAHM's cant acknowledge that.

I can see that being a SAHM of more than 1 child can be a drudge but still its easier than juggling both

Eppa, what is it about SAHM with your pre-schoolers you are finding so challenging ? I think it comes down to personal preferance. I personally realy enjoyed the hours whenn I would have been at work (toddler group,swimming, lunch with freinds). I agree it is bloody hard work between 430 and 730 but WOHP have to deal with most of that too. Often having had a much less relaxing day

Librarian has it spot on.

Raising a healthy, well adjusted child is of benefit to society. And both WOHP and SAHP do - or don't do- that.

If you are a SAHP who does not feel recognised enough or valued enough in that role, then I think you need to look inwards to find reward for it. No one is going to pay you for it. Your partner should appreciate you for it, but money doesn't come into it. Your children probably won't thank you either way, whatever you do. So pick what suits you and your family best and gives you a rounded fulfilled life and don't expect anyone else to tell you how great you are!

I'm going to be a SAHM after the end of May, and I fully expect to have a much easier time than I did when I was working, especially when DS goes to school 12 hours a week starting in September. :)

Handbag, I would suggest you make sure your OH takes 50%of responsibility for the running of the house. There is no reason you should do this if you have been working all day.

callmemrs it's not expecting people to say how great you are, although actually my children do thank me for it and tell me they are glad they don't have to go to after school child care. I also certainly feel that my career driven mother essentially valued her career over being close to me, and I don't want my childrento feel that way.

But the problem is that SAHMs receive nasty comments and are sneered at.

Actually my children liked after school club, and are proud of the fact that I work
That's sad bugster that you had a poor upbringing in that way and that it has affected your view of things. I don't know any parents who prioritise work over family. My family come first with me, they are the most important thing in my life. But I enjoy my career too

Well i suppose that's the essential thing for all families, callmemrs. i don't think WOHM are bad parents. But equally I don't think they should condemn the choices of SAHM and imply they are lazy, brain dead, or the other comments they make

Who does bugbear? I certainly never have

surgeons the one I have my eye seems to do four meals a day!

catgirl reflexology sounds nice. I'd like to have lots of massages too :) I treated myself to a half price shiatsu massager in boots the other day which is quite good :)

biddypop thanks for your long an detailed post! Really appreciated. I've been buying ready chopped frozen veg which ha been a revalation (although it is a mumsnet no-no) and means cooking is easy and I don't end up coated in mascara every time I want to chop an onion. I am also considering a slow cooker

naughtymummy if dh didn't pull his weight he'd have been out on his arse a long time ago. I grew up with a martyr mummy and it made no one happy, especially not her.

Thanks for the tips guys :)

Not you, but other comments on the thread about feeling brain cells dying while being at home with children, SAHM being cushy and not work, etc

Oh OP! So at 14:29, the real agenda comes out!! It was WOHP bashing after all

So parents who WOTH are the root of all society's ills eh?

Just one small point. Not all children whose mothers WOTH are in "daycare" and not all SAHM are paragons of virtue and shining examples of parenting

I'm sorry you feel so insecure about the choices you've made but don't use that as a stick to beat others with. You've made me cross now

So as a sahm I should count myself lucky apparently really? Its a good thing I dont base my self esteem on what strangers on here say isnt it?....

Bugster-my mum is also one of the reasons I chose to be a sahm-she was a single parent and always worked-commendable. But she also gave up all parenting responsibilities to my grandparents who were the ones who really brought me up.

As my mum still works I dont have that option

Why Bellstar? Don't you like being a SAHM?

Ah I see curry spice- its just another disgruntled person taking their own lack of happiness/ fulfilment out on others. How dull.

I love it some days,like it some days and loathe it some days-pretty much like when I went to work tbh. I just dont appreciate being told I am lucky-is my dh lucky because I am saving him a fortune in childcare? and before I get a zillion posters telling me how my dh could do his job very well without me there-take my word for it-like hell he could!

Bellstar I think having the choice to stay at home makes you lucky.
I have the choice to continue to work part time and be at home the other days. I think I am lucky.
I think women who WOHM with very little support and for poor pay are unlucky - thats tougher than any other position imo and I take my hat off to those women. My mother was one

Bellstart he fact is that the vast vast majorityof parents around the world have to work in order to put food on the table. There is no choice whatsover.

If you find it financially viable to choose not to, then you are hugely lucky.
It is financially viable for me to have that choice too, and I thank my lucky stars every day (though I have made a decisio to work).

OP - it is possible to do both at the same time. I used to work in the evenings when my DH came back from work, as well as some weekend days as we couldn't afford childcare. I had to do the park bit, invent interesting activities, shopping, playgroup, making all meals for baby and 3 yr old and evening meal for DH and expressing for baby to have while I was out. I left for work at 5pm and returned about 10.30pm. The kids went to local creche for 3 hours on Friday morning when I did all the main housework and I was pathetically grateful. I used to envy the people would could work normal hours, let alone the full time SAHMs!

Wordfactory-the parents I know are not going out to work to put food on the table-they do it because they believe they need "stuff"-eg large house,2 cars,nice holidays,gadgets etc. Nowt wrong with wanting that stuff but I know of only a handful of parents who are in very low income jobs who would struggle to survive of both parents didnt work.

Its not really financially viable for us for me too work either-no gps to palm the kids off to you see and as my dh works 14 hours days and can be called out at all hours all the responsibility of trying to organise childcare would fall to me and I am not prepared to pay someone else to watch my kids while I take home buttons.

I actually said further up the thread that I did believe wohm had it harder but seems to have been lost among the not so stealthy sahm bashing.

bellstar - I know of precisely no families working for teh kind of lifestyle you describe and I have lots and lots of contact with families every day.Most are working to support themselves.