AIBU to think that WOHM's don't "do the same as SAHMs AND work too!"

[eppa]

Firstly this is not a WOHM bashing thread at all.

Its just that I'm a SAHM and have been offended and hurt by a couple of real life comments basically saying that I shouldn't complain as I'm only a SAHM and that WOHM have to do everything I do AND they manage to work as well.

I disagree with this because for me an average day includes: making and clearing up after three meals, going out to baby groups, park, docs appts, trying to think up and doing activities such as cooking and painting and reading AND trying to keep on top of the mess that having 2 children in the house all day entails.

However a WOHM would get DC up and dressed, drop them at nursery where they would get their 3 meals, do activities etc, pick them up and return to a house that was clean (or the same state as it was left in!).

Obviously both WOHMs and SAHMs work and they both work hard and WOHMs do parent when they are at home. Its just that I don't think its fair to claim that WOHMs somehow do more than SAHMS.

So what do you do that I have not already mentioned?
What is it that you do that I do not?
It's not about how much time I spend doing it, the end result is, it gets done

Relax Sardine. I would sometimes quite like to be a SAHM but I can't afford to I would lose my house - surely that is they same thing? I have to go out and work - I struggle on trying to fit in full time work, housework, playing with my DD, more house work, admin etc. And I went back to work with PND.

SOME mothers are born to stay at home and some are born to go out and work. Nothing silly about it.

A calling is something you are called to.

Many women do not have any choice in being at home, for a variety of reasons.

I'm just flabbergasted.

If a family have a child with severe disabilities who needs full time care and it makes financial sense for the mother to stay at home and look after that child, that's not a calling. It's not even really a choice. It's a pragmatic response to circumstances.

Honestly.

Tantrums - must read your posts (rushing) - but I think it's all about the endlessness and mental stress of looking after kids ALL day long (i.e. nothing you don't do, but rather the responsibility of all day child care - as you will experience on the weekend when your OH isn't around). Ultimately it's probably a case of feeling unappreciated that has caused OP to ask these questions. We SAHM are not very appreciated. I get a lot of positive feedback from the work I do - esp from other working mothers. But I may be slightly mad not to have help with childcare while I do my WOHM (inevitably part-time) work, and I don't think I cld do this with more than one pre-schooler.

It's not a calling to go out to work unless you are working in something that you have been called to.

I think there is some lack of understanding of English on here.

Saying SAHM are answering a calling is preposterous.

Actually scratch that, I think SAHM are hugely appreciated by other SAHMs - and my kid seems to appreciate me too - worth a lot.

ffs it was a word I pulled out of the air using my own experiences. Yes many woman do not have a choice in being at home just like many women do not have the choice in HAVING to work so that they have a home.

yes your example is a response to circumstances, not a calling, not a lifestyle choice, or a vocation (like myself and other posters mentioned)

Joining a convent as a nun is a calling. Joining the clergy is a calling, becoming a priest, is a calling. Becoming a missionary, is a calling.

Staying at home? pmsl

You should be more careful with the words you use.

What you said was really out of line, although now I understand that you didn't mean it.

Depending on the reasons SAHM could be:
a calling - i.e. I've always wanted to be a mother
a lifestyle choice - i.e. I wouldn't mind working but think it would be better to be at home for the children
a response to circumstance - i.e working would not make financial sense

But it is still a job!

What does everyone call unpaid work then? Do you call it a job?

I do voluntary work but I don't call it a job

The definition of a job is not "paid employment". Much (most) of the work on this earth is unpaid.

And, no, of course WOHMs don't do as much parenting as SAHMs. This is blindingly obvious to SAHMs but some (not all) WOHMs like to pretend that they outsource absolutely nothing to anyone ever.

hands up it was the wrong word to use. apologies offered to anyone I offended

Post stated SAHM was a calling full stop.

Silly thing to say.

Really so, where do you draw lines with this definition of jobs? If an SAHM is not working because they aren't paid to do it, then by that definition people doing voluntary work aren't working either. If it's because they're biologically related to the children they care for, then people who work for family businesses aren't doing a job either. You need to use a bit of logic here. If one person doing something is doing work then someone else doing the exact same thing is also doing work, otherwise it makes no sense.

I never said it wasn't work, but a SAHP is not paid by an external party to look after their own kids, they dont get annual leave, or sick leave or superannuation -(and they probably should), they are not an employee.

This isn't about working for a family business, or volunteering - cause last I check having kids isn't a business or a charity ;)

This thread is insane.
Just do what you want to do that works for you and your children. And stop listening to other people and fighting about the meaning behind what you do or its importance or lack thereof.
Looking after your own children is part of life. It is not a job or a calling (although it can be both if you make it so).

WorkingClassMum - "work" is not defined by the institutional structure in which it is performed.

I don't get why a SAHM needs to be appreciated by anyone other than their own immediate family. Why the need for recognition from everyone else. Just get on with what you've chosen (or been forced) to do and shut the fuck up about it.

SardineQueen - flogging dead horse are the words that spring to mind.

Bonsoir - It's blindingly obvious to many WOHM that being a SAHM is pretty cushy. I certainly found it so. Not that I'd be one now I have no pre-schoolers.

If I clean my own windows, it's a job done. If I pay someone else to clean my windows, it's a job done (but I outsourced it).

Librarian I have apologised for the use of the word calling to SardineQueen so no dead horse flogging needed

I think people have very different perspective depending on whether their children are small, or school age.

The parent of a toddler wont have any clue what lies ahead.

Babies and toddlers nap, they go to bed relatively early. Interaction with them is usually quite straight forward.

This is all to change when they start school, and you need to give input on homework, they have friends issues which are troubling, they need taking to and from activities. When you come home from work you have still all this to deal with, until the kids go to sleep around 8-9 pm, and this can be even more challenging if you have a younger child.

Mothers of babies and preschooler: Enjoy life now, the issues with painting and taking a toddler to the park, or a playgroup, is nothing compared to the issues your school aged child will face you with!

Climbs back to fence, and right across it.

LibrarianByDay - "It's blindingly obvious to many WOHM that being a SAHM is pretty cushy."

This is indeed the crux of the matter - WOHMs are of SAHMs, and so belittle them in order to feel better about themselves slaving over a hot computer/whatever

Well said zumm.

Librarian I think the reason it is important is that "women's work" has always been invisible, undervalued, taken for granted. The whole public sphere / private sphere thing is a victorian construct and the ideas persist. However if things are to improve for women generally then these tasks need to be recognised for what they are. ie important work that is very valuable to society.