AIBU to think that WOHM's don't "do the same as SAHMs AND work too!"

[eppa]

Firstly this is not a WOHM bashing thread at all.

Its just that I'm a SAHM and have been offended and hurt by a couple of real life comments basically saying that I shouldn't complain as I'm only a SAHM and that WOHM have to do everything I do AND they manage to work as well.

I disagree with this because for me an average day includes: making and clearing up after three meals, going out to baby groups, park, docs appts, trying to think up and doing activities such as cooking and painting and reading AND trying to keep on top of the mess that having 2 children in the house all day entails.

However a WOHM would get DC up and dressed, drop them at nursery where they would get their 3 meals, do activities etc, pick them up and return to a house that was clean (or the same state as it was left in!).

Obviously both WOHMs and SAHMs work and they both work hard and WOHMs do parent when they are at home. Its just that I don't think its fair to claim that WOHMs somehow do more than SAHMS.

YANBU.

Haven't read the whole thread but the comments about it being a silly and pointless thread are dismissive of OP's valid concerns. It is annoying for people to make judgements about your life that you are so lucky because you have nothing to do etc. That completely devalues the job of the childcarer. Looking after the pre-school children is a full time job, housework and all that is peripheral, although it's true there's a lot less housework to be done if a WOHM has children being looked after somewhere outside the home. A WOHM is not normlly with her children while she is working, therefore she is not doing the child care work, somwone else is. She is doing her job, which can be hard work but can eaqually be more restful than looking after pre-schoolers. The SAHM is doing her child care job.

Adds up to, there is no reason to assume a SAHM doesn't work as hard as a WOHM, and it is hurtful and annoying for people to imply otherwise. If they do, they are probably feeling guilty and jealous, and need to take a look at their own choices.

What is it about pre-schoolers that is menat to be so challenging?

Seriously, I don't get it. Yes, it can be mind numbingly repetitive but challenging?
Mine were always happy enough at toddler groups, in the park, playing with their toys or visiting friends. It wasn't rocket science.
And yes there were days when they were ill and cranky...but you couldn't compare them to a day in court cross examining a Mother on why she refused to leave a rapist, or taking an expert through a baby's injuries, whilst simultaneously worrying how you were going to make it back in time when there was a pileup on the motorway.

"When you are a WOHM, you take your annual leave and, in most cases, use it to spend 24 hours a day with you DC. And you refer to it as a HOLIDAY."

Precisely! Though I have been known to describe is as ' holiday' through gritted teeth.....

That is an interesting conclusion....

I bet you all the sahms would be in outrage at the suggestion that they are on holiday every day.

Agreed Im on maternity leave and this is a big long holiday and all my friends refer to it as such and they have kids to, cause thats what it is!

I wouldn't describe my job ( in the emergency services) as 'restful' but neither is being at home with my children. In fact when do I get a rest?

I've been a SAHM and a WOHM and I've worked from home.

It's all work and it's hard work but being a SAHM had the lowest stress levels. My employer didn't take at all kindly to essential schedule rearrangements but the DC didn't seem to care.

I can't see where WOHM don't have the same chores as SAHM

I definitely 'cut corners' being a WOHM. Is that what you mean? My house would be cleaner and tidier if I didn't WOH, as both my children are now at school, and I have no doubt I would be able to spend more time over their homework, reading etc. which is a bit rushed sometimes.

Im a lone parent, I WOHM, part time.

I leave the house at 8:20, get back at 3pm, run down the road to the school, pick dd up.

I have the dog, the house, the food, the homework, the entertaining, the garden, the paperwork, the cleaning, the washing, etc... all do to my myself.

It is HARD.

I have worked more hours and i have worked less hours, ive had a short time, 3 months as a SAHM, and i can, hand on heart tell you that that was the easiest.
Without a doubt.

I was probably the most bored, and felt the crappest too, but it was easier.

I teach, so I have whiny, demanding children to deal with all day and in my free time.

In fact, toddlers and teenagers are very similar.

I win.

wordfactory looking after pre-schoolers is often challenging, maybe you were lucky enough to have particularly placid children. Dealing with tantrums, totally irrational self centred behaviour, clearing up mess, or teaching them to clear it up along with all the other things they need to learn, repeating yourself 100 times a day, many other things about it are chllenging. Of course it's not always like that and is often rewarding, but the same could be said of many other types of work, no? My point is that it is work, just like a job outside the home is work. I suspect one of the main reasons it's not valued when a mother does it herself is because it's not paid, as far as I can tell the UK government doesn't provide any tax or other incentives for mothers to look after their children, as they do in manyother countries.

Jins that's how I found being a SAHM too. If I couldn't do somehting or simply didn't want to, it wasn't the end of the world. It was very rarely life changing. And I could be very flexible, which was absolutley lovely.

Yet if I couldn't manage to do somhting at work, it was most definitely life changing. My failures had massive impact in that career. There was almost no flexibility.

Actually the flexibility was one of the most enjoyable things about being a SAHM. And what I missed most when I went back out to work. It was certainly a huge driving factor in my giving up that career and starting my current one. I am now absurdly protectionist about my freedoms.

bugster my DC are far from placid (too much like me I'm afraid).
But even on those days when everyone was cranky and I was bored and frustrated it was still easier minute-by-minute than managing my career and DC.

As I say, much of this is probably to do with the type of job I had, the fact that my DH works even longer and even more unpredictable hours and I have no family close by.

I'm not saying staying at home is an endless joy. I certainly didn't find it so. I found the lack of goals and creativity very stifling. But compared to WOH it was stress free.

I think people have different definitions of challenging. Have I ended up close to tears/screaming at two whining, screaming toddlers, who won't let me do anything more than 1 cm away from them? Of course, that's having toddlers. There are always days like that.

However, I would call that draining, rather than challenging. To me challenging involves an itellectual/physical element. Others wouold say the emotional impact makes it challenging on its own. Horses for courses.

I have to say I find trying to get two toddlers out of the house to nursery by a certain time every morning quite stressful. Again, not sure I'd call it a challenge, more annoying!

I hate being a SAHM. I envy all WOHM even thugh they do have it harder.

Being a SAHM to a couple of toddlers isnt that hard, however it can seem never ending. But WOHM have to do all the usual house work and Work so I can see why they'd think SAHMs have it easier.

Not a helpful contribution and my arse now has splinters.
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Reindeer that's how I found it. A bit endless and often draining but not hard per se.

WOH was challenging, exciting and never repetitive but very hard becuae of all the juggling.

I'm now very happy workig from home. A fab mix.

Astronaut - after 5 years as a SAHM I thought about teaching and the idea of dealing with 30 whiny, tearful unpredictable children fills me with horror.

I salute you. And give you

In those child care challenges you describe there is scope for creativity and using your intellect.

I would totally agree that pursuing a challenging career is more stressful in many ways than being A SAHM. That's why I feel really lucky that I'm not pursuing a challenging career, because I'm not someone who deals well with stress and pressure. Of course SAHM are in many ways lucky if there's no financial imperative for them to WOHM (although many do sacrifice a lot of material things) but the fact that they are fortunate in this way, doesn't mean that the child care they do isn't work to be respected and valued.

I wonder, due to the stresses of pursuing a career and being a mother, why so many try to do both? Of course some people are ambitious, thrive on pressure etc and then it makes sense, but it seems to me that a lot of mothers make themselves very unhappy, by trying to do too much.

Well I am guessing that they would be a lot unhappier without money to pay the mortgage, bugster.

Yes bugster "It is annoying for people to make judgements about your life" which is precisely what the OP has done about my life. With, it has to be said, absolutely no experience of being a WOTP. And I also agree, there is no use in assuming anything - unlike the OP who has assumed a lot!

OP, please be assured it does get easier with the kids as they get older and start nursery and then school. You sound a bit frazzled :( hope you're having a good day

Of course wohps are doing more and no sahming is not a job. It's a valid and important choice but it's not a job. You cannot employ yourself. You choose for yourself. Sahps know perfectly well that wohping is harder - which is why they get so defensive when this topic comes up.

I work for myself from home now. It's bliss compared with working full time as a solicitor. But that's because I hated my job in the end and if I'd have carried on as I was I'd have gone insane. I don't like housework though and just do the bear minimum. I just much prefer being more flexible, I can do things when I want to largely.

But...One child is full-time at school, the other does 2.5 days at pre-school and a morning with granny (as she likes to spend half a day with DD2). So I get a lot of time to myself, even if it is spent doing household tasks and work. I still have more time to go for a run or faff about on the internet than I did previously.

Though I think being on my own all the time with say a toddler and a baby, say, I would find very hard. I got a bit depressed and isolated with DD1 on maternity leave. I think once you have links with a local nursery or school and develop a support network it becomes much more pleasant. After having DD2 I began to see how that could work- moving to a different area nearer to family helped massively.

Also I've always had lots of responsibilities and interests of my own that don't necessarily involve paid work which I've kept up with largely since having children. I have thought long and hard about how to find a nice balance with everything and I always keep that balance in mind.

I'm not sure I'm much less busy as a SAHM because of course I find things to fill the time productively (plus dh works longer hours now so I get a bigger share of the other stuff) but the reduction in stress compared with WOHMing is unbelievable.

Every time a child is ill, dh and I compare the minor inconvenience now with the fact that when I was working a simple child's tummy bug could turn into a full blown work crisis for both of us. The moment a child complained of feeling a bit sick the diaries would come out: 'Monday? OK I can do Monday, I can rearrange that meeting' 'I can't do Tuesday, I've got a lecture I can't cancel' 'Oh shit, so have I....'

Yeah, same here Tunip.

Love your username by the way. My girls like to allocate TV characters to members of the household. They fight over being Peso in Octonauts, daddy is Captain Barnacles, apparently...then DH chipped in and said "What's that?" pointing at Tunip. The girls replied "It's a vegemal". DH laughed and said "That's you, that is!" indicating me. Har bloody har. The girls said "Oh no daddy, mummy is Tweak!" Thanks girls :)

Nomoreinsomnia