About mil and fil's wedding anniversary? V long, for non drip-feeding purposes.

[bibbityisaporker]

My inlaws are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary at about this time next year and dh and his brother have already started planning their celebrations. This is actually mainly down to bil ... he likes to plan way ahead.

Anyway, there has been talk of us all going away for a week together, to which dh and I have said a plain "no thank you". This is because we do not get on particularly well with bil and sil and their children, can usually tolerate about 2 days in their company, but after that it all gets A BIT MUCH iykwim. Also, dh is self employed and never but never takes more than 4 days off in a row (and that is only at Christmas) except for our 2 week family holiday in the summer.

Right, so we are not going to go away for a whole week, so now the proposal is a long weekend but mil has got her heart set on this extra special cottage which is going to cost £3,000 for 4 nights - partly because it will be in the Easter holidays next year and I guess we have to pay for the full week

Mil and fil are very very low income, infact they are both living on state pension and a few top-up benefits. So bil proposed to dh that they share the cost of the accommodation (£1500 each).

Now am I bu to think that £1500 is a lot to spend on your parents golden wedding anniversary present??

To put it in context, dh is a highish earner, but not 6 figures, and our budget for our family holiday is about £3,000. We spend about £50 - £100 on each other for our birthdays, about the same on the children. I have a very significant birthday coming up this year and dh is going to buy me a laptop, I have never had one. So we are comfortably off but not rolling in it.

I am miffed that mil and pil would think this is fair and reasonable too, tbh.

Over to you lot.

The HITC is cheaper than the house the OP's talking about.

Mind you, The Savoy is, too!

House in the clods :o

oooh that's near me! (the house in the clouds) I used to want to be first to spot it when we drove past when I were a nipper...

You can have my place for a fiver, if you feed the cats and don't run your fingers along the windowsils

Just say NO to the big family talk. You want it dealt with soon as.

Tell them your budget. They can choose somewhere cheaper or to go at a (much) cheaper time of year.

Your BIL should take some responsibility for egging them on

It's just ridiculous them expecting you to spend all that money and such a waste, too. If you two could afford to pay that much, they'd do better banking it and having an extra £30 per week for the next two years.

The anniversary is in May? If you put off don't discuss it until Easter, it might already be booked

It's next May.

It's in May?

Then why are you planning to go at Easter.

Go for a weekend in May (2 nights, shorter, cheaper)

(I were feeling particularly duplicitous, I might feel like provisionally booking it for your Easter dates, then cancelling after a new plan is hatched)

Bibbity, haven't read the whole thread.

Do your pil babysit for you or help you out? That itself may be worth the £1,500 over the years.

Also, I am assuming the place is £700 a night for six adults and children! That is really not that much, less than £200 a couple.

Tbh, I would do it. If you have a 3 grand family holiday budget, you could sacrifice half of it for one year. Their gokden anniversary cones only once. Plus you don't know how many sacrifices mil may have made for her two boys while they were growing up. This is not that much to spend in the bigger scheme of things, given that you can afford it

YANBU Why is there going to be a family discussion at Easter? You don't want to do it; there's nothing to discuss.

I really hope that my parents don't one day decide to work out how much the things they have done for me over the years add up to and decide that I can get them a massive, over-priced present in return. I hope that I am a nice daughter and that I help out and show my appreciation in every way I can, whether those ways have monetary value or not. That's what being a family is about, not guilt-tripping eachother.

And I don't get this gratitude to those who raised your other half. Very strange. I would never expect gratitude from anyone for raising my children

Why shouldn't children have gratitude towards their parents, if their parents did a good job bringing them up?

In many societies, children are expected to care of their parents as they grow old. It is the quid pro quo, parents spend on their children when they are able and the children reciprocate when they are adults. In France even today, grandchildren can be held liable for cost of their grandparents care.

It is just in UK we seem to think that love and spending is a one way stream, from parents to children. Very unhealthy entitlement attitude, methinks,

Not that OP is coming across as entitled. But just want to poinT out that it is not outrageous to make sacrifices for one's parents. And if op explains to her children that this year's holiday money has been sent on GPs because it is their special anniversary, the children may learn an important lesson that the world doesn't revolve around their needs and it is important to make sacrifices for others.

ALMD, why not? If you can spend £3,000 on a family holiday a year, why not sound half of that one year for your parents? Is that really such a big deal?

Spend, not sound

It's not a reasonable sacrifice. It would be lovely to send them on holiday, or to have a family get-together, but £1500 for each family for four days, in the UK, self-catering, is ridiculous. If they were loaded and could easily afford it but just begrudged the money then it would be different. The OP originally said that they didn't want to to a shared holiday as they don't get on. It's not something they would enjoy and would cause resentment for a long, long time.

A reasonable sacrifice would be taking your dependent granny with you on a UK holiday instead of going away abroad with just the DC. Or forgoing upgrading the car so that you can pay for essential adaptations to your parents' house as their needs increase. Or visiting grandparents regularly, even though they might live a fair distance away. Blowing money you can't afford and don't want to spend on a needless extravagance is silly.

The House in The Clouds is a great place to stay for large family groups (That get on) We have rented it a few times. It is right near the little seaside town of Aldeburgh, which is charm in itself. A really quaint little resort without all the nasty pound shops and amusement arcades. A really safe place for families. I can recommend it.

AKMD, but the thing is they can afford the mobbed. It is not lie they sound £500 a year on holidays and are being asked to spend three tines that.

Op said she has a £3000 holiday budget. So one year couldn't they spend half of it doing something which would make their parents very happy? And it really works out at just over a £100 a night per room, which is not really too much, so it is not like silly money for a crap place

Aarrrrgghhh! iPad autocorrect!

Giving your parents a very extravagant gift is particularly silly when it is not a gift of your choosing, not s

Giving your parents a very extravagant gift is particularly silly when it is not a gift of your choosing, not something you want to spend the money on, not a treat you will enjoy giving, but is essentially a plan you wouldn't choose but are being railroaded into giving by people who think your money is theirs to spend.

What AThing said.

Add that it won't just be the £1500 but the food, activities and travel on top. And they said from the beginning that they don't want a joint holiday.

But AThing, BIL is willing to spend the same amount, so it is not like he is trying to take advantage of OP. Naturally the anniversary gift is something both brothers will give combined, so BIL was being sweet to suggest something that PIL would really love.

The point is OP's husband seems willing to go with it. It is OP who seems to resent spending the money and doesn't enjoy holidays with BIL and family.

But this isn't about OP. It is about a family which has been together for 50 years, and it is really a congratulations and thank you from the children to their parents.

"But AThing, BIL is willing to spend the same amount, so it is not like he is trying to take advantage of OP. Naturally the anniversary gift is something both brothers will give combined, so BIL was being sweet to suggest something that PIL would really love."

If he was being sweet his parents would know nothing about the plan until it was agreed between the brothers. Then, if it was a gift they both wanted to give, they could tell their parents about it together.

What you have here is a man who seems to like extravagant gestures he can't afford making an offer and presuming that his brother will stump up the other half.

He is very much taking advantage of his brother.

As are the parents if they just expect him to stump up for the present they've all decided to give themselves.

The rudeness and presumtuousness here is breathtaking.

No way would I be acquiescing to that kind of shabby treatment.

That's not how family treat one another - emotional blackmail and grasping, greedy demands.

It's vile.

Flatbread the OP's husband isn't particularly willing to go with it. She says "Dh is reluctant. We feel we have been put in an awkward position by even being asked."