About mil and fil's wedding anniversary? V long, for non drip-feeding purposes.

[bibbityisaporker]

My inlaws are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary at about this time next year and dh and his brother have already started planning their celebrations. This is actually mainly down to bil ... he likes to plan way ahead.

Anyway, there has been talk of us all going away for a week together, to which dh and I have said a plain "no thank you". This is because we do not get on particularly well with bil and sil and their children, can usually tolerate about 2 days in their company, but after that it all gets A BIT MUCH iykwim. Also, dh is self employed and never but never takes more than 4 days off in a row (and that is only at Christmas) except for our 2 week family holiday in the summer.

Right, so we are not going to go away for a whole week, so now the proposal is a long weekend but mil has got her heart set on this extra special cottage which is going to cost £3,000 for 4 nights - partly because it will be in the Easter holidays next year and I guess we have to pay for the full week

Mil and fil are very very low income, infact they are both living on state pension and a few top-up benefits. So bil proposed to dh that they share the cost of the accommodation (£1500 each).

Now am I bu to think that £1500 is a lot to spend on your parents golden wedding anniversary present??

To put it in context, dh is a highish earner, but not 6 figures, and our budget for our family holiday is about £3,000. We spend about £50 - £100 on each other for our birthdays, about the same on the children. I have a very significant birthday coming up this year and dh is going to buy me a laptop, I have never had one. So we are comfortably off but not rolling in it.

I am miffed that mil and pil would think this is fair and reasonable too, tbh.

Over to you lot.

I don't know how it is for OP's pil. But in our family, my sis might talk with my parents and ask them what they want as a special gift. Then she would talk to me and my other sis and we would all contribute.

I didn't think that there is anything wrong with it, and nor does my DH object. We have spent way more than that to treat my family for special occasions and it is not like we are rich either.

It is just that my parents are really important to me and DH is willing to go along with things, even if he doesn't really see the point. And tbh, he doesn't like my dsis (thinks they are crazy bats) but puts up with them for my sake

Well, that is the thing with families. The gifts usually make perfect sense to one sibling and seem totally pointless to another. But one tends to go along with the flow, if that is what parents would love.

It is easier to be tolerant and a bit blind when it is your own family, but much harder to accept when it is the in-laws.

That is why, on this occasion, I think op should just let her dh and bil sort it out, without getting involved. It is not really her judgement to make on what is a worthwhile gift from her dh to his parents.

" It is not really her judgement to make on what is a worthwhile gift from her dh to his parents."

Of course it is - it will be paid for with family money and it will affect her and their children.

"The gifts usually make perfect sense to one sibling and seem totally pointless to another."

Not in my experience. Quite the opposite in fact.

But neither of my siblings would present the gift to our parents before checking that we were all on board with it.

Because they were brought up better than that.

And my parents would not love a present any of us had been strong-armed into like this.

Are you the kind of person who thinks your siblings should "go with the flow" and pay for a gift you have already presented to your parents?

Not really, AThing. Usually my dsis organises, because she is the planner in the family. And i am fine to go along, if that is what my parents want. They are aware it is a joint gift.

I think in this case, bil probably asked mil what would they like, and she mentioned the place as a holiday for the whole family.

I would hate it if my dh felt he could control or guilt trip me with regards to what I do for my parents. Everything in a marriage is not a shared decision, i would personally feel suffocated if we had to rationalise every spending decision together.

Also, why do the children deserve a £3000 holiday but not parents who have made many sacrifices for their children? I am sure his mum could have rationalised and done the bare minimum for her children. But I would assume they did all they could for their children and that is why BIL is willing to go the extra mile for her, even though he is earning less than OPs husband.

I think that parents who would happily expect and accept such a lavish gift are incredibly selfish. Unless their grown up children are millionaires.

Anniversaries are about the couple and just as it's been up to them to male their marriage last, it's also up to them to celebrate it for themselves and not expect other people to spend £££££ on them.

I think it's offensive actually.

Op, I reckon with diplomacy and reasoning, you could help make your pil feel really special with far less money.

It's sad that celebrations come down to having to spend so much.

Why winky?

My parents would happily accept it and show a lot of appreciation. But they would be mortified if they found out that one of us had done it grudgingly, or to be more accurate, one of our DP was being tight about it.

My parents are not selfish and have made lots of sacrifices for us. They still happily help out and were there when my dsis had her operation last year. And ultimately what ever they have earned has mostly been spent on us and whatever they have saved will eventually come as inheritance.

Are they not deserving of pampering, or only OP and her children deserve to benefit from her DH's success?

And it is laughable to think that a 50th wedding anniversary is only about a couple. It is about a marriage, of which probably their happiest and proudest part is their children.

I'm a bit surprised how few people have said to do it tbh. I wouldn't hesitate as long as we could afford it, even if we could only just afford it.

50 years of the creation of your own husbands family IS a big deal and I think treating them to something they've always wanted to do, with the people they love the most is a lovely idea.

"Everything in a marriage is not a shared decision, i would personally feel suffocated if we had to rationalise every spending decision together."

Shit, I'm so glad I'm not married to a selfish spendthrift who thinks "pampering" their parents is an excuse for blowing family money without family agreement.

Your family sounds horrible - all mealy-mouthed "gratitude" and manipulative bollocks.

In my family we treat each other (including those that have married into the family, who we don't regard as outsiders or malign as "tight" if they don't go along with our weird gratitude fetishes) with respect and decency.

Yuck. Seriously.

Or what Flatbread said

My IL's have been up to this sort of thing too, although not on such a large scale. Family weeks away, weekend in London etc. It got to the point where BIL who is quite hard up and his DW does not get on well with MIL, had to ask in advance to opt out of any extravagant joint gestures/holidays for the next 70th or golden wedding or whatever.

I think it's unreasonable to hatch a plan that is so expensive and railroad others into it. The PIL's would probably be disappointed if they knew that you were joining in grudgingly and (IME ) you are setting yourselves up for a bust-up on the happy holiday. If the BIL wants to make the gesture of a holiday, he pays, he goes, you stay in a travel lodge down the road and keep your sanity!

can you and dh decide on a budget before you talk to your pil and bil for the total amount you feel you want to spend - so if they are thinking of self catering then you need to factor in the food you'll need and so on.

Then when you have the discussion, you can say that you were planning on spending £xxx in total and have various different options for it (night alone staying in their dream cottage, week's cruise, long family weekend at centre parcs or the Savoy or wherever). You might hit on something else that they fancy doing or at least concentrate their minds on what is a viable present/family holiday. And find out what bil is planning on contributing too - you don't want to discover that he was planning on contributing say £1000 to the pot for the £3000 holiday and expecting you to pick up the rest!

I do think you are right in that they think that as you earn so much more than them it is easy for them to assume you have lots of spare money and therefore plenty to spend on their anniversary. They forget that if you earn more money then you have to pay more tax on it, that you tend to have a bigger mortgage and so spend more on that, chances are you might be spending lots on commuting or need decent clothes to project the right image... and so there isn't the buckets of spare cash floating around they imagine.

there isn't the buckets of spare cash floating around they imagine

But zip zap, there is. Op spends £3000 for a two week family holiday. So £1500 a week. Why not spend one week or four days of that holiday with the in-laws as a one off to celebrate a momentous occasion?

I think I read so where further back that there will be a total of 10 family members. So that is £70 a head for accommodation a night. With food, it will probably be no more than £100 per head per night.

And while they are doing it for the parents, technically only £140- £200 per night is being spent on them, and a total of £560-£800 over four nights. Only £280- £400 of that is coming from OP's DH.

And I am willing to guess that dh and the children would be happy enough to spend 4 days/ one week of their holiday with cousins and gps. It seems op has the major issues here.

What is the big deal with taking half of your family holiday one year with dh's family and contributing somewhere between £280 -£400 for the inlaws as it is their 50th wedding anniversary?

Why should the op and her family have to pay for the privilege of going on holiday with family they don't get along with very well? Her DH doesn't agree with these plans either, so it isn't just the op against this. And for the brother to emotionally blackmail op's DH into spending money already set aside for a holiday the op's family will actually enjoy is awful, and leaves a bad taste in the mouth. I can't believe that a parent would accept this either, knowing how much it costs, I think my mum would feel very bad if she knew we had cut out our holiday all together for such an extravagant gift. Coincidentally, did mil take her mil off for a luxury holiday on her big anniversary?

And i would be so pissed off if my DH just decided to spend such a large amount of money without talking to me about it. Similarly I wouldn't just spend 1.5k on my mum without talking to DH about it. If that happened we certainly wouldn't be celebrating a golden anniversary.

OTT, um, because it is good for cousins to get to know each other and spend time with uncles and aunts and GP? Despite what the OP professes about her husband, may he enjoys being with his parents and brother? It could be that OP is just projecting her views on dh and he is going along with it as some men do to maintain peace?

Besides, where is this wonderful place that op spends £1500 a week on for her family that the children would be seriously deprived to spend a week instead with their cousins and GPs in a lovely seaside holiday cottage?

OTT, of course couples should discuss these things together. No one said he should plan it without telling OP. Just that perhaps OP should take a back seat on this one and let dh and bil figure it out.

I don't get it - buy presents for someone else's anniversary? Do people do this? This is a custom unfamiliar with me. Throw a party - yes, expect presents - no...

When my grandparents had their last big one (50th), there was a big party at my aunts house and cards were given, that was it. I thought that was the norm, I thought only the couple bought gifts for one another.

Flatbread I don't think the op is against the family doing 'something' for her in laws, but really? £1,500/£2,000? That's a ridiculous contribution to be expected to make. And I think it's a bit rude of you to make it seem as if she isn't a member of the family because she married in, and therefore has very little say in what should happen.

I think the in-laws have been very crass in expecting others to foot the bill for their indulgences, anniversary or no anniversary.

Flatbread this is a lot of money to spend, I think it is inappropriate for the DH not to consider his dw's opinion on this. This is her money aswell, if someone family or not was considering spending such a large amount which would mean I have to cancel my own plans for my family and not listen to what I think is acceptable, and hot told to take a back seat then I would be very unhappy. This Decision is not just the dh's, and to say so is very wrong. And just as you are speculating about how the dc and DH would like it, I would guess that 4days in a cramped cottage with people that are disrespectful towards you is not a recipe for a happy time.

What op should do is decide together with DH on the amount they can put towards whatever the celebration will be, and then DH and bil can figure out what can be done with the total amount.

Flatbread, it's greedy that's why. It's not the amount of time or opportunity to spend time with family - it's the sheer cost of the event when it doesn't have to cost that much at all.

And believe it or not, not everyone has to enjoy spending time with extended family. That's just fantasy. Some do and some don't. Both deserve respect and choice.

I think it's very very important for spouses to have a say In this kind of thing otherwise it will most certainly come back and bite them on the bum.

As for pampering the pil, there are myriad ways of doing this without expecting your children to blow a fortune.

I would be embarrassed and would never accept such a gift from my grown up children knowing that they have dcs of their own to provide for.

I enjoy spending time with extended family. My own massive, unruly extended family is very close. We hang out with second cousins, and first cousins are a massive part of our lives. We go on holidays together multiple times a year.

There is no way that could be sustained if family members were spending one another's money on expensive "presents" for other family members, and making manipulative arguments about gratitude and what other people "owed", or deciding what other people could afford.

Obviously in a large family some families are better off than others. One quick way to completely destroy a happy dynamic is to make sn issue of that by acting as though their money is yours to demand through donations to extravagant gifts.

What a family chooses to spend on their holidays has no bearing here - a joint gift is not offered until all the people contributing have agreed to the contribution.

Basic manners really helps to prevent massive resentments building, and they have been sorely lacking here.

There should have been no discussion of this expensive plan except by people who were willing and able to pay for it themselves.

The BIL had no business raising this with his parents unless his plan was to rent the house himself even if his brother didn't want to come.

And the PIL certainly had no business asking for this (or anything) as a present .