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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About mil and fil's wedding anniversary? V long, for non drip-feeding purposes.

309 replies

bibbityisaporker · 14/03/2012 09:52

My inlaws are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary at about this time next year and dh and his brother have already started planning their celebrations. This is actually mainly down to bil ... he likes to plan way ahead.

Anyway, there has been talk of us all going away for a week together, to which dh and I have said a plain "no thank you". This is because we do not get on particularly well with bil and sil and their children, can usually tolerate about 2 days in their company, but after that it all gets A BIT MUCH iykwim. Also, dh is self employed and never but never takes more than 4 days off in a row (and that is only at Christmas) except for our 2 week family holiday in the summer.

Right, so we are not going to go away for a whole week, so now the proposal is a long weekend but mil has got her heart set on this extra special cottage which is going to cost £3,000 for 4 nights - partly because it will be in the Easter holidays next year and I guess we have to pay for the full week

Mil and fil are very very low income, infact they are both living on state pension and a few top-up benefits. So bil proposed to dh that they share the cost of the accommodation (£1500 each).

Now am I bu to think that £1500 is a lot to spend on your parents golden wedding anniversary present??

To put it in context, dh is a highish earner, but not 6 figures, and our budget for our family holiday is about £3,000. We spend about £50 - £100 on each other for our birthdays, about the same on the children. I have a very significant birthday coming up this year and dh is going to buy me a laptop, I have never had one. So we are comfortably off but not rolling in it.

I am miffed that mil and pil would think this is fair and reasonable too, tbh.

Over to you lot.

OP posts:
diddl · 18/03/2012 20:28

Doesn´t appeal to me either.

I mean it looks like a water tower with a house stuck on it doesn´t it?

Original poster
bibbityisaporker · 18/03/2012 20:30

Couldn't agree more Bogeyface. The interiors look just awful. And all those frigging stairs to haul the shopping up.

OP posts:
ReindeerBollocks · 18/03/2012 20:42

I think it's crazy prices for a hideous house, I think there are many more places which would be more affordable and still be appropriate as a present.

TBH I think ILs are being really cheeky in the way they've spoken about it. It's not in your budget so end of discussion really, move on and decide what is in your budget and treat them appropriately.

Definitely go into the meeting united with your DH that this is a no go and arm yourself with alternatives!

Bogeyface · 18/03/2012 20:50

I agree with Reindeer that there is nothing to discuss. You cant afford it so your arent doing it, next subject please.

Just make sure that you arent bullied by being told that you could save up, do overtime, are being selfish etc. Infact, I wouldnt wait until easter, I would email BIL now to say that you just want to make it clear that you wont be contributing to this gift. And perhaps tell them that you will be getting them a gift on your own this year rather than go in with them so that they cant try and rope you into something else.

MarthasHarbour · 18/03/2012 21:00

Hehe, i came on here to offer the OP solidarity and confirm with the masses that YADNBU and am at your 'family meeting'

But actually - i want to tell flatbread YAsoBU so feck off with your out and out boasting, you are so out of touch with reality Hmm we stayed with Eurocamp in May last year and it cost us almost £2k all in (ferries, petrol, caravan Shock and spending money). This year we are holidaying in my IL's caravan in North Wales, because it is free, we are skint and this is the only way we can have a holiday in the height of the summer, it will probably piss down but whatever. We dont feel the need to treat ourselves and family to flashy holidays to prove anything.

Back to the OP, i would never expect DS to fork out for anything for our WA's (well he is only 2 so i reckon £1.5k is a big ask Smile) He wasnt even at the wedding! No it is too much. For the record my nan was 90 last year and she and my grandad booked out a restaurant in their village, invited the whole family and close friends (about 30 of us), insisted on no pressies and were furious in a Smile way if anyone brought so much as a bottle of champers!

ViviPru · 18/03/2012 21:00

Shit the bed for that kind of wedge I expect self catering accommodation to be appointed far superior to that. Its a bit of a dive, really isn't it?

MarthasHarbour · 18/03/2012 21:02

so it is that hideous house then? i have never heard of it either, i thought it was Lindisfarne Castle on Holy Island

AKMD · 18/03/2012 21:27

I couldn't help myself; I Googled. If you mean this house then ShockShockShock Do they need to charge such horrendously high prices because they need a landscape gardener and a new fence, or is it because they need a crane to get Dorothy's house off the top of the wicked witch of the wherever?

OP, don't you dare cave in to this. What are they thinking?!

Flatbread · 18/03/2012 21:38

This year we are holidaying in my IL's caravan in North Wales, because it is free

Nothing like sponging of the in laws, eh? But god forbid you have to actually treat them, that is such an imposition Hmm

AKMD · 18/03/2012 21:41

Flatbread seriously, give it a rest. The OP does not have to be guilt-trippd into spending £1.5k on 4 days in a barn on stilts, nor does she have to justify her spending decisions to you. You are getting way too involved here and look like an idiot.

Bearcrumble · 18/03/2012 21:55

Maybe Flatbread actually owns the House In the Clods?

Flatbread · 18/03/2012 22:03

Why AKMD? I don't get these personal attacks on me, and I was responding to Martha here. If OP knows she is right, why ask AIBU?

There are so many righteous people here it seems. God forbid a mum asks anything from her sons, she really doesn't deserve consideration. How grasping that once in a while she asks something from her sons for a special occasion, Bit of course, no one will say no to an inheritance from pil or think that is grasping

I think one is on their way to bring up selfish children who will treat their patents badly, if you treat your parents/ pil with little consideration. You may think that is desirable or natural, but i think it is selfish and crass.

In any case, whether you agree with me or not, there is really no reason to attack me and call me a show off.

Flatbread · 18/03/2012 22:03

Bear Grin Just trying to drum up business ya know Grin

Bearcrumble · 18/03/2012 22:04

It is the size of the ask though, I can't believe you can't see that.

ohmygosh123 · 18/03/2012 22:04

Think I would take them out for dinner, to a hotel restaurant, maybe let them stay overnight so they can be 'treated' and that'd be it. Or send them off on their own overnight - after all a wedding anniversary is about the couple's marriage! Or a day out to a NT property and lunch out with the family. Job done!

House in the Clouds is seriously overrated - looks quite a novelty, but I imagined it would look better inside. Best bit about Thorpeness is the man-made lake and the ducks. We rented a (cheap) house with a view of the House in the Clouds - all agreed quite fun to look out of the window at - but you'ld have to be a nutter to want to keep climbing those stairs ........

Hope you find a solution to keep everyone happy. And don't feel guilty about doing a runner if they don't calm down - I think things can get OTT far too quickly. My relatives who had 90th b'days, golden weddings etc, were happy if all the family got together in one place for a barbecue garden party, or out to lunch. What they enjoyed was seeing everyone together at the same time.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/03/2012 22:05

Don't you think though, that asking for £1500 is a bit steep unless you know that said sons are v.well off?

In fact scrap that, it is a bit steep full stop.

No-one is talking about treating parents badly, no-one is saying 'don't celebrate' with them.

Original poster
bibbityisaporker · 18/03/2012 22:09

What I find annoying about your posts is the sanctimonious tone running through them, and your determination to demonise me and/or dh as mean, grasping (did you read - there will be no inheritance), cold hearted, and ungrateful whilst at the same time adopting a sneering tone about the ordinariness of our holidays. Others have said IABU on this thread without being such a pita.

OP posts:
pumpkinsweetie · 18/03/2012 22:11

1.5k is too steep to be spending on anyone let alone inlaws, a meal out, flowers and a present would be a normal offering in situations like this. Obviously if op is very, very well off then why not but seriously what a lot of money! Treating ur inlaws or ur own parents is one thing but 1.5k seriously they cant expect u to stump up that sum of money surely?? A holiday abroad for a week would be cheaper

Hollyfoot · 18/03/2012 22:13

God forbid a mum asks anything from her sons, she really doesn't deserve consideration. How grasping that once in a while she asks something from her sons for a special occasion, Bit of course, no one will say no to an inheritance from pil or think that is grasping

What a ridiculous comparison. Asking for something that costs a huge amount of money from someone is entirely different from receiving something (that you didnt ask for) by someone (who wanted to give it to you) once they are dead and have no further use for it.

Most parents/in laws would be embarrassed to 1. ask for such an expensive gift or 2. accept it.

Bogeyface · 18/03/2012 22:13

£1500 isnt a treat or a reasonable ask. For someone on average wage, its a months salary ffs!

I am all for treating my parents, and I often do but I would never spend this much and they would never ask me too because we both know that its an absolute piss take! The OPs PIL dont give them anything in return and wont be leaving any inheritance so I am not sure why you mentioned that, she did say in her OP that they are skint.

In this case yes, they are being grasping.

Oh and using a caravan that has been offered and would otherwise be standing empty isnt sponging for crying out loud!...... stupid aswell as self satisfied Hmm

pumpkinsweetie · 18/03/2012 22:14

Cant believe people are accusing op of grasping !! 1.5 k is A LOT of money- it takes my H a month and a half to earn that sum of money

Flatbread · 18/03/2012 22:16

Bibbity, I accept I was being sanctimonious about doing stuff for parents/pil.

But honestly, I was not sneering about your holiday choices. I was surprised that renting a caravan can cost so much. But it was in the same vein that people were incredulous that hitc can cost £700 a night. Nothing to do with your holiday or hitc for me, but more to do with realising that self catered holiday lettings must really be a profitable business.

Bogeyface · 18/03/2012 22:19

So explain why you called MArthasHarbour a sponger?

Flatbread · 18/03/2012 22:20

Even if a caravan is lying empty, I think it is sponging. There is wear and tear.

Like I said, I don't think they are asking for a big spend on themselves, just a special holiday together. It will be £280 on in laws, and rest on op. Maybe mil thought it was ok, since bibbity regularly spends £1500 a week on her holiday anyway. Just thought they would do it joint, this time, for the same outlay.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/03/2012 22:24

Sponging?

Surely it is the parents/PILs 'treating' their children?