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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to expect DH to support me in being ‘good’?

117 replies

MrsArchieTheInventor · 13/03/2012 14:30

I?m trying to be good and cook good family meals, not eat rubbish and not drink alcohol. I asked DH a few days ago if he would support my ?quest? by not eating rubbish and giving up alcohol for a month or so except when he goes out with his mates of a Sunday night. We?re both overweight but I?m the one trying to do something about it at the same time as feeding two picky children. DH refused point blank to give up late night nibbles, sweets and booze and it?s left me feeling, well, angry. I fully accept that I am responsible for what goes in my mouth and that no one forces me to eat/drink what I do, but some support would go a long way to helping me, plus it would be beneficial for him too, though he doesn?t see it that way.

To be honest, his stance is ?I?ll support you but it?s your problem, not mine? and that?s shocked me a bit. Makes me wonder what his idea of ?support? is.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 13/03/2012 14:32

You can't force him to diet/eat healthily just because you want to though, I would refuse to buy any of his snack things but you can't control what he eats.

imnotmymum · 13/03/2012 14:34

YABU I eat different things to my DH with no problem as you said it is you who wants to be "good".

Gargula · 13/03/2012 14:36

YANBU to try yourself to be more healthy. YABU to force it on someone else.

It would be a cold day in hell before I would give up alcohol at someone else's demand.

LydiaWickham · 13/03/2012 14:39

YABU - if you want to diet, you diet. Once he sees you are sticking to it, he might stop, nothing helps you feel guilty for pigging out than to be sat next to someone who's saying, "no thanks, I've already eaten enough." (thereby highlight that they have too.) Your self control is what matters. Make sure you are eating a filling meal so you can say to yourself "I am full, it would just be eating for the sake of it."

However, don't buy the sweets, crisps etc, he can go get them himself.

dreamingbohemian · 13/03/2012 14:44

You are probably BU for expecting him to give up snacks and alcohol for a month, just because you are.

But I think YANBU to be disappointed in his lack of support. I don't think I could ask DH to give up something for me, but I also think he would probably try to do something to make it a bit easier for me.

Could you compromise? Is there one thing that you would particularly like to give up, that he is not too fussed about?

Also, I would really recommend trying the Paul McKenna approach, which doesn't limit the kinds of foods you can eat, but changes the way you think about food so that you eat less of them. I say this because you are going to have a really hard time following a restrictive diet if you cannot keep tempting foods out of your house, so you may be better off with an approach that doesn't limit foods.

PooPooInMyToes · 13/03/2012 14:44

Its a tricky one because its bloody hard not to eat crap when the person next to you is.

Of course its his choice but you have to wonder why he doesn't want to take this opportunity to be healthier. Im also wondering if he doesn't want YOU to be healthier and so by not joining in he's hoping you'll give up.

mayorquimby · 13/03/2012 14:51

yes of course yabu. You've made a decision for yourself, not him.
The idea that I'd give up alcohol or foods because my gf would leave me perplexed.

Original poster
MrsArchieTheInventor · 13/03/2012 14:54

I know that if it were the other way round, say, for example, if DH was told to go on a low fat, low cholestrol diet for health reasons, I would have no problem supporting him by cooking the right foods and not having 'sinful' foods in the house and eating the same as him. That he won't do it the other way round feels a bit cruddy.

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 13/03/2012 14:55

He doesn't have to give them up. You don't have to buy unhealthy stuff.

alarkaspree · 13/03/2012 14:57

Yes sorry, it's unreasonable to expect someone else to give up something just because you want to. I know it's hard to resist eating when someone else is but you will have to.

However, you could expect the kind of support where he is aware of your goals and tries his best to help you achieve them. So he doesn't offer to make you a plate of cheese and biscuits after dinner. And if he does, and you say no, he doesn't make you one anyway! My dh does that. Bloody annoying.

nickelhasababy · 13/03/2012 14:57

who does the shopping?
is there any way you can make sure thy don't get bought as part of the weekly shop?
then he'd specifically have to buy them to eat - it might make him think a bit.

FirstLastEverything · 13/03/2012 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MrsArchieTheInventor · 13/03/2012 15:04

More often than not, we'll be doing some shopping on a Saturday evening and DH will say 'do you mind if I get some beer for tonight' which turns into 8 cans of lager (2 x 4 packs) and 3 bottles of speciality beer. This Saturday I'm going to say that I do mind.

OP posts:
halcyondays · 13/03/2012 15:06

Yabu.

mayorquimby · 13/03/2012 15:09

I think that's pretty poor form if you stop buying stuff he wants as part of the weekly shop just because the op no longer wants them. Obviously depending on the break-down of their roles in the house but if the op was for instance a sahp and one of the things she does as their division of labour is the weekly shop, it seems petty and controlling of her to then stop buying him stuff that he wants out of their household income just because she happens to be the one who does the weekly shop.
I mean where will that end?just petty arguments and then he can wilfully decide that whatever jobs/tasks he has in the way of household duties are no longer of interest to him and if the op wants them done she can do it herself. afterall he no longer cares if x is done or y is bought so it should be up to the op to do them if she wants it done.
Or if the roles were reversed and it happened to be the husband who does the weekly shop nobody would think it reasonable of him to refuse to buy whatever low-carb/fat/cholesterol items the op wants for her new diet simply because he won't be eating them and he doesn't want to go on a diet.
Seems childish and controlling to take that route to me.

camdancer · 13/03/2012 15:12

Every 6 months or so I have this conversation with my Dad.

Me: How are things going?
Dad: We're on a diet.
Me: Oh yes, how is it going?
Dad: She's not lost any weight but there isn't any chocolate in the house.

Then 2 weeks later Mum has given up the diet, the chocolate is back and everyone is happy again. Except Mum who constantly gripes about her weight not going down. My Dad has learnt just to go with it for the 2 weeks and buy his chocolate when he goes out. So I guess he is being supportive, but I know he gets very bored of it when it wasn't his idea to diet in the first place.

belgo · 13/03/2012 15:16

YABU. He is allowed to eat and drink what he wants. I would be really annoyed if my dh tried to force me to diet.

Ephiny · 13/03/2012 15:19

Sorry but I think YABU to expect him to give up certain things just because you are, that is a very odd notion of 'support'.

I know it's easier if you can just not have certain foods in the house at all, but unless you live alone, there has to be some compromise with the people who share your home.

Yes it would probably do him good if he gave up these things as well, but unfortunately that's something he has to decide to do in his own time, you can't force it.

PooPooInMyToes · 13/03/2012 15:22

I usually carry on buying treat foods for everyone else, but try to buy the ones i don't like so much so won't be so tempted. Would that work for you?

IAmBooyhoo · 13/03/2012 15:27

sorry but YABU.

my exp was really into healthy eating, although i think he had a bit of an issue in that he saw eating anything that wasn (in his mind) healthy as greed. for examle he once removed a packet of crisps from my hand saying "you dont really need those do you?" i was furious. no way will i be dictated to on what i eat, regardless of whether it is the most unhealthy diet or not. your DH has said he will suport you but he shouldn't have to give up things that he enjoys to do that.

nickelhasababy · 13/03/2012 15:30

but the point that i was making was not to say he couldn't have the food! just not to habitually have it in the house.

I have a habit of snacking on crisps if they're in the house.
if there aren't any, i'll make toast - which takes more effort and is a bit healthier (and more filling), or i'll go without.
the point is, that if it's an effort to get the crap food, then he'll think about it more. and maybe not bother eating/drinking the stuff.

IAmBooyhoo · 13/03/2012 15:31

"I know that if it were the other way round, say, for example, if DH was told to go on a low fat, low cholestrol diet for health reasons, I would have no problem supporting him by cooking the right foods and not having 'sinful' foods in the house and eating the same as him. That he won't do it the other way round feels a bit cruddy."

what if your DH decided that to counteract the rubbish food and alcohol he was going to run 10 miles every day and do a 45 minute workout before work in the morning. would you 'support' him by joining in and doing all this?

nickelhasababy · 13/03/2012 15:31

it's about changing habits more than denying him crap.

nickelhasababy · 13/03/2012 15:32

you cannot counteract crap food and alcohol by exercise!
the crap doesn't just burn off.
it's not that simple.

IAmBooyhoo · 13/03/2012 15:34

i agree mayorquimby. i dont think it is reasonable to suddenly dictate that alcohol and junk food will no longer be bought out of the family budget just because YOU no longer want them. i think that's controlling. compromise is the key word here.