...to expect DH to support me in being ‘good’?

[MrsArchieTheInventor]

I?m trying to be good and cook good family meals, not eat rubbish and not drink alcohol. I asked DH a few days ago if he would support my ?quest? by not eating rubbish and giving up alcohol for a month or so except when he goes out with his mates of a Sunday night. We?re both overweight but I?m the one trying to do something about it at the same time as feeding two picky children. DH refused point blank to give up late night nibbles, sweets and booze and it?s left me feeling, well, angry. I fully accept that I am responsible for what goes in my mouth and that no one forces me to eat/drink what I do, but some support would go a long way to helping me, plus it would be beneficial for him too, though he doesn?t see it that way.

To be honest, his stance is ?I?ll support you but it?s your problem, not mine? and that?s shocked me a bit. Makes me wonder what his idea of ?support? is.

my ex used to do this.
he'd eat his dinner (piece of meat/fish and a tin of peas), and say how healthy his food was.
then over the course of the evening, he'd have 2 bars of chocolate, 3 bags of crisps, a glass of milk and 3 or 4 beers.
this was every night.
his health kick was cycling 12 miles each night.
and his breakfast was a coffee and a fag
his lunch was a banana and an apple.

he was a twat about food, and couldn't see it.

I ended up having to hide my snack food (including ones that had been given to me as gifts, and my easter egg that he bought for me), because if it went into the cupboard or fridge, it would be eaten within a couple of days "it had been there for days i thought you didn't want it"
it would take me a couple of months to eat my treats, but that didn't register with him.

But it is crap that he wants. Why shouldn't he have it just because the OP has decided she no longer wants it?

it doesn't matter if it doesn't work nickel, what matters is that if it was this man's decision to start excercising and asked his wife for support as she is doing would she be willing to provide the level of support she is asking from him? (for all we know her diet wont work either, some people dont lose weight that easily)

IAmBooyHoo - it would take a while to work up to that standard of fitness but the simple answer is yes I would.

Turning the tables, if DH is on a strict diet for dangerously high cholesterol and I sit down to a fish and chip supper with the kids and watch him eat his rabbit food, that would be absolutely fine and I should feel no guilt whatsoever?

YABU by calling it 'being good'. Food is not good or bad. It is food.

Change that attitude and it won't matter what you eat versus what he eats.

but it isn't the same.

the same would be her going along with him to the gym, but sitting reading instead, or following him on his bike ride from the comfort of the car.

yes it would be fine in my house. if i didnt have dangerously high cholestorol there would be no need for me to limit high col foods. nor the dcs either. and comparing your diet to a person who has dangerously high colestorol doesn't really equate. your diet isn't a life or death situation.

treadmill in the living room. she doesn't have to follow him to the gym.

yanbu

they can't both use the treadmill at the same time.
i'd call support either going into another room or counting his miles, or helping by "competing" against him.

you've also got to take into account that it's not necessarily possible for her to do as much as him.

my ex used to do those 12 miles up and down hill - i cannot physically do that, so going along with him on the ride would be pointless and discouraging.
My equivalent would be doing an hour's gardening (heavy digging in our garden) or my own equivalent exercise (i swim and belly dance)

DD2 and I can't eat any dairy or soya products. Doesn't mean DH, DS and DD1 should go without.

It wouldn't be nice if DH kept offering you the crap you have decided to give up, but him eating/drinking it himself is completely his decision.

Tee2027 - I suppose I mean junk food - crisps, chocolate, booze, sweets, late night snacks.

I don't eat sweets or chocolate anyway, booze and crisps are my downfall. I'm not asking DH to give up sweets or chocolate, just limit booze to the 5 pints he has when he goes out on a Sunday night and not to sit scoffing crisps after the kids have gone to bed.

"My equivalent would be doing an hour's gardening (heavy digging in our garden) or my own equivalent exercise (i swim and belly dance)"

ok so you think it's ok to support in other ways than doing exactly what the person has chosen to do themselves?

IAMBooyHoo - it is life or death, we're both very overweight and he's starting to get joint pains because of his excess weight. I'm in a place where I'm trying to do something about my weight but DH thinks he can settle down to a nice healthy tea tonight - mackerel fillets with salad - and when the kids have gone to bed he can have a large bag of crisps, several lollies and a couple of chocolate biscuits.

I think the idea of snack food you don't really like is a good one - for example, I really don't like white chocolate, only really like good dark chocolate, DH prefers white chocolate. I will buy white chocolate to have in the house for him and I'm not tempted in the same way as if it was dairy milk. I also find it easier to say no to beer than wine.

When you say about the amount of beer he buys, is he still buying enough for you too, or just for himself? Can you get it stored somewhere else? (if he's not going to drink it that night, does it need to be in the fridge where you can see it?)

The big issue you need to deal with is your own self control - you appear to be already lining your DH as the one "to blame" for your diet failing. If you eat this stuff it's not his fault. As long as he's not going "go on, just a little bit won't hurt" or "this beer is yummy, are you sureyou don't want some?" then it's not his fault. You will be facing temptation for eating foods you shouldn't have outside of the house too, you have to get good at saying 'no thank you'.

If my DP asked me to give up alcohol and snacks because he decided he wants to eat more healthily i'd tell him to piss off. You cant cnotrol someone this way, they have to want to do those things themselves.

"DH thinks he can settle down to a nice healthy tea tonight - mackerel fillets with salad - and when the kids have gone to bed he can have a large bag of crisps, several lollies and a couple of chocolate biscuits."

er, he can!

Booy - yes.
in the op's case, it would be just not eating the crap in front of her, nor buying several beers for a saturday night.

but he's chosen to torture her by eating what she wants to eat in front of her.
there will be a time when she can ignore his eating crap, but for the time being, she can't.

i wouldn't want to watch my DP eating himself to death either.

oh, and go to bed early - 8:30pm if need be (take a good book/laptop to MN!) if you aren't there to see him snacking, it'll be easier to cope without. Train your body to not feel hungry after dinner.

maybe he needs to have a bigger portion of dinner?
or eat the leftovers instead of the crap?

it's hard to encourage him to do it - my ex was exactly the same - and i watched his weight balloon and his health go down.

it's more the total lack of respect for her by refusing to acknowledge he has a problem, and refusing to address it.

It ended up putting a huge rift between me and my ex and is one f the big reasons i left him.

Sorry YABU - your life your choices. He might change his mind when he has a slim minxy wife who doesnt fancy him anymore though........

If you do the cooking, cook healthily. Try to come to some sort of agreement about snack foods and booze, eg if it's for Saturday night drinks it gets bought on Saturday (I can't bear to have booze winking at me from the fridge). Maybe buy less rubbish, if previously you would have been eating it then it would make sense to buy half as much IYSWIM. Try healthier snacks, eg veg and low-fat houmous must be better than a bag of crisps and you could have some too.

But ultimately, you can't control what he eats and I agree with others on the board, you can't just stop buying the things he likes, either.

no he hasn't chosen to torture her. he is carrying on as normal. he has said he will support her. he can do that without eating only what she is allowing herself to eat.

should he go into the bathroom everytime he wants a sip of beer or a crisp? OP has to accept that her own actions are the only thing that will make this diet either a succes or failure. him eating as he always has done will not make her diet fail. she can't blame him for doing what he has always done. she is the one that is changing the rules.

Also noticed, mackerel fillets with salad - no wonder you're still hungry in the evenings! Sorry, but if you've gone from massively overeating/snacking, you need to start with a habit of eating a filling meal so you're not hungry for snacks, then reduce it. Or at least put some carbs on his plate so he's not tempted to snack.

IAmBooyHoo - sorry, of course he can, what I meant was that he thinks he can settle down to all that crap late at night and it not have an effect on his weight.