...to expect DH to support me in being ‘good’?

[MrsArchieTheInventor]

I?m trying to be good and cook good family meals, not eat rubbish and not drink alcohol. I asked DH a few days ago if he would support my ?quest? by not eating rubbish and giving up alcohol for a month or so except when he goes out with his mates of a Sunday night. We?re both overweight but I?m the one trying to do something about it at the same time as feeding two picky children. DH refused point blank to give up late night nibbles, sweets and booze and it?s left me feeling, well, angry. I fully accept that I am responsible for what goes in my mouth and that no one forces me to eat/drink what I do, but some support would go a long way to helping me, plus it would be beneficial for him too, though he doesn?t see it that way.

To be honest, his stance is ?I?ll support you but it?s your problem, not mine? and that?s shocked me a bit. Makes me wonder what his idea of ?support? is.

Well whether or not the OP has issues surrounding food, I would say that it doesn´t sound like a big ask to me.

Reading this though, I´m wondering if husband & I are unusual as one thing we don´t do is snack in the evening-maybe just fruit/yogurt at some point after our evening meal.

I think loving couples do support each other in weight loss and other goals too, my dh certainly did when I lost 3 stone on WW, he still ate fatty foods if he wanted but I refused to cook it so he either made his own or brought take away BUT he did encourage me and look after dd's so I could go swimming, go to ww meetings and he ate the healthy dinners I made too, Friday evenings were my treat night the rest of the time if he saw me go to the cupboard he said "do you need to eat that?" to make me realise what I was doing and if I really wanted food I'd pick something healthier than the biscuits I was aiming for! I appreciated his help.

Around a third of your daily intake should be from starchy foods. That's a hell of a lot of tomatoes....

I am currently doing slimming world. My dh needs to also lose a few stone but refuses. I cook sw dinners but he has big puddings while I have a mullerlight. You can't make someone else diet,it's his choice. Good luck with the diet though.

Wilson Frickett I'm no advocate of low carb diets believe me but all we know is that OPs DH had "mackerel and salad", that salad could have had beetroot, sweet potato, tomatoes, sweetcorn, carrots all sorts in it, and could actually have been perfectly filling.

Noblegiraffe ?Jaffa Cakes do not satiate hunger. At best they satiate a sugar craving.

I?m trying hard to distinguish between hunger and boredom and there have been many times when I?ve felt like snacking on crisps only to follow the diet advice of ?drink a glass of water as sometimes thirst and hunger are confused? and that craving go until the next mealtime.

Tea last night was lovely ? mackerel fillets for DH and me, fish fingers for the kids (they won?t eat fish in any other form), salad comprising of mixed lettuce, cherry tomatoes, cucumber, peppers and chopped carrots, all accompanied with a slice of seeded bread. The kids had yoghurt for pudding, DH had ice-pops and I didn?t have anything as I was full. I had an early night as I was tired so I don?t know what DH had after I?d gone to bed, and I didn?t ask him as it?s plainly none of my business.

Rabbit food was a term used in the context of me and the kids eating a fish and chip supper in front of DH whilst he was eating lettuce and brown rice on a strict low fat diet. It was not meant to infer that I see lettuce and brown rice as ?food only eaten by rabbits? and something that is akin to kryptonite to me. Quite the opposite. Everything in context.

I?ve taken on board that I?m possibly setting DH up as the fall guy for my failure to lose weight, and I?ve taken on board that I?m probably nagging him to do something that he doesn?t want to do. I don?t think I have an issue with food ? I know what?s healthy and what?s not and I know exactly what my downfalls have been over the years and I?m dealing with those weaknesses and gluttony. The kids are healthy and a perfect weight for their height and age, just sceptical about new foods that they haven?t had before, but that doesn?t mean that I?m going to stick to the same foods forever: DS took one mouthful of mackerel last night and spat it straight out because he didn?t like the texture, and I?m fine with that because at least he tried it. I was exactly the same when I was his age, but now I like all the foods I didn?t when I was 8. That?s just the way it is.

I love my husband and I?m the one who listens whilst he?s getting dressed and has a hissy fit that he can?t fit into his clothes anymore and I?m the one who gives him a cuddle and tells him that I love him just the way he is and that he?s kind, sensitive, a brilliant father, has gorgeous eyes and a lovely grabable bum, but with that reassurance comes a sense of responsibility as the food-buyer and meal-cooker that I am partly responsible for his weight, and I don?t think I am, not completely anyway. Regarding diets, I once read a great car analogy that if you?re built like a Transit van you can?t suddenly go putting the same amount of fuel in as you would for a Mini and expect it to run the same. We don?t eat less, just differently. Whereas I might have before cooked a carbonara (or dish similar to the cheesy/bacony/eggy/creamy/pasta dish that I affectionately refer to as ?carbonara?) using cream and parmesan cheese, nowadays I limit the cheese during cooking and use crème fraiche. Whereas in the past I?ve snacked on crisps and cheese, now I try and recognise the difference between hunger and boredom and try and snack on fruit if needed.

I don?t think I?m a bad wife for wanting to encourage my husband to lessen sugar and fat and late night eating, and I would never ever dream of removing food from his hand that I think is ?bad for him?, nor do I have a disapprove or sneer when he tucks into a family bag of Haribos whilst watching Holby. It becomes an issue for me when it becomes an issue for him, and whilst I know that I can?t force him to lose weight, I feel like I bear some responsibility for ?allowing? (that is the wrong word but I can?t think of another one more appropriate right now) him to graze on sugar and fat without question.

I hate the word ?diet? in the context of losing weight as it implies restrictions and unachievable expectations long term, and I feel that crash diets wouldn?t work for me because I would put the weight back on as quickly as I lost it. For me it?s about re-educating my body to love food, making small changes that add up, such as using low fat crème fraiche instead of cream, snacking on fruit instead of crisps. And also with that comes an aspect of moving one?s arse in terms of exercise, which DH and I are both working up for, and maybe one day DH and I will both exercise side by side on the treadmill in the local gym!

And for the record my clothes size is going down quite nicely thanks, steadily but surely.

You sound a bit evangelical about it all, which like a reformed smoker can really get people's backs up. Ask yourself how would you have felt if at a previous point in your life to this, one where you weren't ready to commit to losing weight/getting healthier your husband was constantly criticising your food choices?
Over eating, like smoking is a habit and can only be worked on and broken when one is truly ready.

Also a complete overhaul of diet is difficult to maintain long term, it's gradual changes, small steps and regular goals that work better. Health promotion and lifestyle advice is part of my job and that's what we'd advise.

Well done on your weight loss, healthier lifestyle to date by the way.

I am not evangelical about it! I am simply trying to make small changes that he won't notice! If I've droned on on this thread it's because I've tried to explain my thinking and reasoning. I've taken on board some of the criticisms and I accept some of the accusations that have been levelled at me. I will not accept that Jaffa Cakes/Haribos/lollipops are a nutritional foodgroup in the same vein as pasta/fruit/cereals and I will not accept that they satiate hunger. I also do not accept that I am evangelical about this whole issue of weight loss. I've simply tried to explain myself, and in doing so I appear to have come across as some sort of nasty harridan who henpecks her husband.

Ok.

Both me and my husband need to lose weight. I am mildly overweight, he is obese. I have found we are not in the same dieting 'place' at the same time, I want to go all out for summer, he's not ready for that right now. I have solved this by shopping and cooking and serving for the family healthier meals, with extra bread/carbs for the children and him if they need them. I also don't buy as many snacks, and I warned him I wouldn't be doing so, but in no way would I restrict what he buys or what he eats in the evenings.

Unless he lives in a vacuum, your DH is perfectly able to buy and regulate his snacks in the evening, you don't have to buy in loads of crap in the weekly shop. But I also think you can't expect everyone else to go without because you are, and you need to be able to face temptation squarely while they sit there munching, otherwise once you come into contact with ymummy calorific food, you are going to lose all control.

Wow, you missed my point about Jaffa cakes. I am not saying that Jaffa cakes sate hunger, but that if I was hungry my thoughts would turn to Jaffa cakes of an evening. They are food after all, and when you are hungry it is a prompt to eat.

So you can't say your husband can't be hungry because he chooses to eat sweets instead of a sandwich. He could well be hungry after a salad for dinner and just be making poor food choices. As the lolly hasn't filled him up he has another one and so on.

noblegiraffe - I'm sorry, I seemed to have missed a lot of people's points on here. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if I'm hungry I'm trying to educate my body to recognise between hunger and thirst in the first instance and then try and quell that hunger with something that isn't full of fat/sugar, like a nice juicy apple. I'm just trying to make food decisions for us as a family that aren't full of fat/sugar that will quell hunger and have a longer lasting effect on that hunger than, say, a Jaffa Cake.

I still maintain that, for me and DH at least, a handful of grapes or an apple would have a similar effect on hunger as a couple of Jaffa Cakes, just without the sugar and associated sugar high.

Am I really missing the point here? Should I really be giving the DH and the kids biscuits to snack on when they say they're hungry or should I stick with my stance of 'grab a handful of grapes/cherry tomatoes/a plum'?

Archie, I was disputing what you said here he's not snacking because he's hungry, he's snacking because it's habit! If he was hungry he would eat some fruit or make some toast.

You are assuming that if he was hungry he would eat some toast and as he is going for lollipops instead that he can't be hungry.

I'm pointing out that he could be hungry but is going for the wrong foods when he is. Like I said, if I were hungry, I'd reach for the jaffa cakes even though it wouldn't be as filling as something else. If someone said 'you can't be hungry, you're eating jaffa cakes' I'd be a bit

I also think YABU

I can see why you would want him to make better choices, but they are still his choices to make. You have admitted yourself you need to lose weight because of your own bad habits (no judgement there btw, I am huge!) so why the sudden change? Because you have come to a decision that is your and yours alone to make. A few months ago before you decided to become healthier would you have appreciated you DH telling you what you could or couldn't eat? If you are feeling unwell or have a bad day or decide to have a 'day off' would it be ok for your DH to police your food? Or what about if you were especially hungry one day and decided to have an extra slice of bread with your meal, would it be ok for your DH to call you greedy?

However I do agree that trying to get you to eat food you don't want is just as bad and very unreasonable.

Good luck with your diet, it sounds like you're doing really well

I think that white toast and white pasta are just as crap at satisfying hunger as jaffa cakes or lollipops TBH

I think the point you are missing is the meals you talked about preparing earlier seem very light to most people, most people who are just eating normally, not overeating can see why you'd feel the need to snack on something after that meal, and just because he's not going for another meal food (toast) doesn't mean he's not hungry, he's going for the easy option because he has already had his meal. As I said upthread, you need to make sure meals leave you feeling full so neither of you feel the need to snack, feeling hungry and miserable because you can't snack isn't going to be a good recipe for sucess.

However, have you also thought of providing healthier snacks before he starts on the crisps rather than waiting until he's gone for them and you feel bad because you can't have them? Am thinking more substantal than fruit, things like low fat hummus and wholemeal pitta/carrot battons? Bowls of nuts and dried fruit? If you already had those out on the coffee table, would he then go for crisps/jaffa cakes? I know when I'm in a picky mood, I'll pick at whatever is in front of me, but that's not necessary what I'd go for if I walked into the kitchen to get a snack.