...to expect DH to support me in being ‘good’?

[MrsArchieTheInventor]

I?m trying to be good and cook good family meals, not eat rubbish and not drink alcohol. I asked DH a few days ago if he would support my ?quest? by not eating rubbish and giving up alcohol for a month or so except when he goes out with his mates of a Sunday night. We?re both overweight but I?m the one trying to do something about it at the same time as feeding two picky children. DH refused point blank to give up late night nibbles, sweets and booze and it?s left me feeling, well, angry. I fully accept that I am responsible for what goes in my mouth and that no one forces me to eat/drink what I do, but some support would go a long way to helping me, plus it would be beneficial for him too, though he doesn?t see it that way.

To be honest, his stance is ?I?ll support you but it?s your problem, not mine? and that?s shocked me a bit. Makes me wonder what his idea of ?support? is.

Sorry, I think I cross posted with you, OP. Yes, definitely go with the slim minxy goal! Do it for yourself, and he'll muster up the self control eventually, hopefully sooner rather than later. Once again, well done for starting this and sticking to it.

Your notion of being 'good' or 'bad' regarding food is wrong. You can't be good for a while and then go bad as any weight list will pile on again, to stay slim u have to always eat healthy with occasional treats.

You need to do it for you not include anyone else, if your approach to loosing weight is so weak that chocs in the house will temp you then forget it. You have to really really want to do this as its hard( lost 2 stone in 6 months) so understand.

Leave your ds alone and go for it best luck x

You sound very similar to my Mum. She'll do tiny meals for a couple of weeks, get ravenous, fall off the wagon and life will go back to normal. She's been doing it for at least 30 years and is still the same size. Please listen to the very sensible diet advice from the people on here.

And leave your DH alone. He'll sort himself out when he is ready.

you seem to have real issues with food tbh, you describe it as sinful, bad, crap, rabbit food.

Think you need to train yourself to understand salad is salad, not rabbit food for example, or you are doomed to failure, regardless of your dh support or lack of.

Me and DP were overweight. We both decided to diet. I stuck to my guns, and lost just under 5 stone. I kept nagging him to change his eating habits, exercise ... he didn't, and remains overweight. I don't bother anymore, it's less stress for us both - he's and adult and makes his own choices.
Your success is dependent purely on what's in your head. Is your motivation strong enough to keep your goal in sight?

Gah OP! You seem very 'my way or the highway' which I bet is making your DP even more stubborn. I agree that what he snacks on is probably habit but the fact that he snacks at all is probably because he is still hungry. Even if you're satisfied, you are not setting him up to suceed. IMO of course.

I think you are perfectly within your rights not to help him eat himself to death though. Im not sure if you said you do the food shopping.

Whenever i see those programs on telly about very obese people who can't even move, i always think but who buys them the food. There was even one where the guy was in hospital on a carefully balanced diet to help him lose weight but his wife was bringing him in burgers and junk food because he asked her to. He died not long later.

Its one thing to respect a persons rights to eat what they chose to eat but you also have to think about your conscious. If he were to get that big and die or got very ill there would always be a part of you blaming yourself for providing the food.

Despite this i have no idea what the answer would be in this situation!

I stand by what i said earlier, buying in snacks which you don't like really helps when trying to cut back.

poopoo i dont think OP's husband is bedbound. he is able to buy or not buy his own food. fine if OP doesn't want to physically purchase the food for him but she can't dictate that he doesn't buy it or eat it in his own home.

I didn't say he was bedbound. He is very overweight to the point where it is hurting his knees! That's big!

If he were my husband and he was getting to the point where it was affecting his health i am not sure i would want to play a part in it getting worse and possibly killing him.

If he chooses to buy it himself there's not much she can do about it.

Op I think you have the idea of 'support' wrong.

I am currently on a diet for the first time in my life, dp is supportive by encoraging me and telling me how well I am doing and how he can really see a difference.

He is a runner and runs and cycles ridiculously long distances and while he does eat healthily he does easily get to add in snacks and is rather partial to chocolate and ice cream of an evening, at the moment he knows not to offer me any and doesn't make a fuss of what he is having, this is plenty supportive to me, there is no need for him to abstain and why should he?

yes it is big, but it isn't OP's doing!! she will not have it on her concsience if he gets so overweight he is bedbound or dies!! it is up to him not to eat stuff if he doesn't want it. OP can't be blamed for having stuff in the house that he likes.

Great diet book ever is ' so u want to diet? Try a kick up the ass instead 'by Julie ( can't remember last name but she a colonist in lots of diet magazines

Really helpful

I agree your attitude to food seems a bit odd, OP. All the talk about 'being good', 'sinful food', guilt etc, and the way you both seem to want to control each other's eating - you by restricting his snacking, him by obsessively insisting that you try what he's eating/drinking, forcing yourself to eat salad although you refer to it as 'rabbit food'. Doesn't sound healthy, and unless you sort that out you're likely to have problems losing the weight and keeping it off.

Food is just food, it's not inherently good or bad. Everything in moderation is a good mantra IMO. That and 'eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full'. Works for me anyway.

I would say to your DH, buy as many beers, snacks, etc as you like, but you have to do the shopping yourself for it.

Making people take an active choice to get off their bum, walk or drive to a shop, pick the stuff, stand in a queue and pay for it then come home again hands all the responsibility (and therefore control) to them. It then becomes their problem/choice and not yours.

Wherethewildthings. Ops husband tries to pursued her to drink/eat when she doesn't want to though and gets snappy if she won't. That's about as far from supportive as you can get.

To be fair it doesn't sound like the OP has been on this "diet" for very long, and her attitudes to diets doesn't sound very sustainable, so perhaps he is just carrying on as usual because he knows it wont last long?

Sorry, that's what happens when you skim read threads.

No, that isn't supportive at all, sounds like a bit of an arse.

Yep! An arse!

I know lots of thin/athletic people who do love their crisps or chocolate - but that's the thing, they are already thin or athletic or both. I think the OP is concerned that her DH is snacking on calorie laden junk food every day, not just the occasional treat. And that he tries to persuade her to try unhealthy food even when she doesn't want to.

YANBU. It's not a big ask at all, presumably there are plenty of times in the day when you are not together so he can indulge in a few treats then. I've been dieting for the last couple of months and haven't even needed to ask my DH not to eat crap all evening, he instinctively supports me by not eating stuff I'm missing when I'm around. I'd happily do the same for him.

I dont understand all this talk of control. Look, when I was pregnant (and therefore couldn't drink) my DP significantly curtailed his drinking, didn't eat blue cheese or shellfish in front of me and even gave up his freshly ground coffee for the first six months due to my horrendous morning sickness. Currently he has given up alcohol for lent and so even though gin is like water to me I don't often have one. Neither of us asked the other to give anything up, we just love each other and want to support each other in the things that are important. We're partners, it what you do for each other.

And sorry but salad can have carbs in it - tomatoes or sweetcorn for eg. OP, yanbu.

I agree with some other posters upthread - this reads like OP is projecting some of the responsibility for her weight loss onto her DP, as someone else said, already lining up the excuses.

Until the OP gets her head into a space where she can accept that no one and nothing puts food into her mouth but her, then she's doomed to fail.

I am always morbidly fascinated by the people on the obesity shows - none of them ever uses the word "fat" and they all have a reason or an excuse which is absolutely nothing to do with a simple lack of self control.

Paradoxically, there is nothing more liberating than realising that bad choices are about self-control, because that makes it very easy to do something about it.

The 'if he were hungry he'd eat fruit' line is silly. If I'm hungry of an evening, my thoughts turn to Jaffa cakes because that's evening snacky food. Fruit wouldn't cross my mind. You can't say he's not hungry just because you deem the food he has gone for unacceptable.

That said, other reasons for snacking in the evening are habit and boredom. If you want to stop the snacking, you might need to think about changing what you do in the evenings.

Do tomatoes have carbs in!?

all fruit has carbs in it!